What should I do??!!!

My grandmother just let it slip that my MOH is NOT CONTRIBUTING FINANCIALLY to my shower!!!

I'm so upset at her! I think she's letting my family sholder the whole thing! She has a hole in her head! I knew she was broke, but I thought that this was one of the reasons. I'm *really* upset at her because - yes, this is the same one who bitched to me about how much of a burden my shower was gonna be to my grandma against my grandmother's wishes. She doesn't seem to KNOW that contributing to the shower is part of her RESPONSIBILITY. She seems to think that if she sends out the invites and finds the place that's enough. She was on me for weeks to get her an invite list. She's already told me she can't buy us a present, that's fine, but THIS?!

Should I just make her a bridesmaid? I have another BM who I'm not quite as close to, but she has a better head for this. She's in Amsterdam now, but when she gets back I know she'll put my MOH's head on straight. I also told Grandma to call the BM in Amsterdam when she gets back. Should I make the BM in Amsterdam a MOH as well, so that she can handle this? My grandma is also talking to my MOH too.

The worst part about this is that I'm not supposed to know any of this. So how do I handle this??!!!!

PS - My grandmother is kinda a stand in for my entire family on this - the 3 BMs in my family can't afford to actually pay for anything, or the 1 BM in my FI's family, so I don't have a problem with my grandmother standing in for them.

In my family the mother (and maybe the FMIL) are responsible for the shower, not any of my BM's.
I'm sorry if you feel like she isn't 'holding' up her responsibility but it's not all about financial.
Is she not being a good friend to you in other aspects? Or is it just the money issue?

I am sorry you even know any of this. I thought it was the MOH that threw the shower with the help of the other BM. I am not sure how true that is but that's what I thought.

In all honesty, I wouldn't bump her over a money issue....I am sure you picked her for other reasons besides the fact that she would throw you a shower? I understand you though...you know the answer as to whether to bump her or not and only you. Good Luck Hunny!

It's not only that she's not contributing to the shower, although I thought that was one of her responsibilites. And we had a conversation where she asked me who pays and I said the bridesmaids with the help of the Bride's family, or however it works out. It's that she's done it in such a way that it's annoyed my grandmother, who was just asking me why I picked her. She said to my grandmother: 'I'm not getting them a present and I'm not contributing to the shower.' Which my grandmother thought was rude. And this is after she wrote me an email about how much of a strain the shower was gonna be to my grandmother - AFTER my grandmother told her not to.

So my problem is that on the one hand she's making me feel guilty for wanting a shower and telling me how expensive it is. On the other hand she's not helping out with how expensive it is.

She just has WEDDING ISSUES that are coming out in weird ways in our friendship and making this the MOST stressful part of my wedding.

hmmmmm... i don't know what to tell ya...

i just ordered my MOH (baby sis, she's used to being ordered around by me ) to get in touch with the other BM's asap because their schedules are changing and they are constantly traveling. if a shower/bridal brunch is even logistically possible, we plan on having it at my godmother's house where she and my mom will prepare all the food, no $$ required from the girls...

i wouldn't necessarily upstage the MOH with another BM as it may cause more problems. i would just simply let the other BM know how much her support means to you and if she could make sure things run smoothly you would really appreciate it. i would not expect anything more from your MOH, just have her show up. no need to make matters worse. tell your grandma you made a mistake (you should have picked the other girl) but there is no turning back now and that you, with the help of your other BM will take care of things and not to take anything personally…

She's my best friend and I'm probably gonna keep her - but I just don't think she was cut out for this. She doesn't like wedding talk, except for the most basic, checklist type of way, so I haven't really spoken about anything wedding related to her, but watch out if I slip! Then I have 'wedding on the brain.' 'let's talk about something other than the wedding.' I have to watch what I say around her now, because everything I talk about recently has to do with the wedding. She's a tomboy, no makeup/dress *ever* type of girl, so all I heard in the first few months of our engagement was 'I'm gonna wear a dress for you!' and I'm paying for her makeup or else she wouldn't DO any.

This is just a cumulation of a lot of stuff dealing with the wedding and just my mistake in choosing her for this position. She's a great person, but not for this.

Just because your MOH is not contributing to your shower should not be a reason to 'demote' her. I'm assuming her picked her because of your close relationship and knowing of her financial situation, her standing up with you and sharing your special day should be enough.

Every shower I have been to including my own and all my relatives have been paid for by the family. Its a huge expense to put on your bridal party, especially if they don't have the money.

I was MOH for my best friends wedding many many years ago and her family assumed I was paying because back in the day that was the case. So I got stuck paying the whole bill for over $2000 and I wasn't even working. It really pissed me off and I'm still a little annoyed at her family to this day. I didn't ask for help from the other BMs because we were all in college and no one had any money and they still had to pay for their dresses and shoes.

All in all what I'm trying to say is you pick your bridal party for their relationship with you, not what they can give to you.

Im going to have to disagree with everyone on this one. IT IS the responisiblity for the MOH to contribute financially to the shower. It doesnt have to be anything fancy, but I've seen showers where budgets were tight and they had it at someones house and everyone brought a dish over. It is the MOH's responsiblity to not only do the bridal shower, but also to round everyone up and plan it. It is a nice gesture if the family contributes. She shouldnt have taken the honor of being your MOH, if she knew she couldnt take the responsibilty. And its also rude to go complaining to your granmother. There are other tactful ways to ask for help. Sorry, but that's JMO - I would ask your friend in Amsterdam if she's up for the task. Good luck!!

Okay-

my MOH is not poor. She's going through a dry spell, but she makes more than my grandmother, that's for sure. And I KNOW her expenses, so much so that I didn't think this would be that much of a burden on her, since she and the BMs would be getting help from my family and I want something small, in someone's house - not $2000 or anything near that. It's just such a blanket, rude statement to make, and my MOH really wouldn't see this, but to just say 'I'm not contributing to the shower' like that to my grandmother - not 'I don't have money right now, but I'll help when I can' AND she knows that the shower won't be easy for my family and that they could use all the help they could get, she feels so bad about it that she felt the need to tell me (once again, against my grandmother's wishes and making me feel really guilty), but not to actually help out? Why did she plan something so expensive if she knew she wouldn't be able to help out??!! (and yes, this much I know, she is planning it)

Okay, I will stop bitching now. I just need to vent. Thanks everyone for your input. I'll be contacting my other BM when she gets back and doing as september2004 suggested.

I'm sorry and we had a thread on this but....i would never expect my friends to pay for my shower... that is not why they are my bridal party..... it is people that are close to you... mom or family member .. it is not her RESPONSIBILITY.. oh my

you don't kick someone out of your BP because they don't contribute $$$$. Her being there next to you on your big day should be enough!

since on here i have heard BP do sometimes pay for the shower but why would you put all the weight on the MOH.... it is the whole bridal party... I personally don't expect this from my bridal party... i asked them because they are the closest to me and i want them right beside me on the big day---JMO

Jill13 bean, I'm not putting all the weight on her. We had a conversation that it would be a combination between her, my other BMs who could, and my family, at least that was my understanding. And she told my grandmother, in a way that made my grandmother not like her that much (and she used to), that she wasn't doing anything at all finanically. MY GRANDMOTHER asked my why I picked her, and I was venting. That's my issue - she's just not MOH material in general - this is like the straw that broke the camel's back.

Now, is it her responsibility? According to proper ediqutte (sp?), her and the BMs. Each family/person/situation is different, but officially it is. From theknot.com:
------------------------------------------
Q. Who pays for the bridal shower? Just the maid of honor? Can we ask for contributions?

A. Whomever is hosting the shower (it's usually the maid of honor with help from the bridesmaids) should handle footing the bill. So no, you shouldn't ask for contributions from guests, even if the soiree is at a restaurant. That said, there are many budget-friendly ways to plan, and maybe the bride's Mom or Grandma will slip you a $20 or two.
---------------------------------------------

And I wouldn't care if she couldn't help out, if 1) she wasn't so rude to my grandmother about it and 2) it wasn't my understanding that she was. And all of the other MOH problems I've been having with her.

---

Posted by nsgraham

My grandmother just let it slip that my MOH is NOT CONTRIBUTING FINANCIALLY to my shower!!!

I'm so upset at her! I think she's letting my family sholder the whole thing! She has a hole in her head! I knew she was broke, but I thought that this was one of the reasons. I'm *really* upset at her because - yes, this is the same one who bitched to me about how much of a burden my shower was gonna be to my grandma against my grandmother's wishes. She doesn't seem to KNOW that contributing to the shower is part of her RESPONSIBILITY. She seems to think that if she sends out the invites and finds the place that's enough. She was on me for weeks to get her an invite list. She's already told me she can't buy us a present, that's fine, but THIS?!

Should I just make her a bridesmaid? I have another BM who I'm not quite as close to, but she has a better head for this. She's in Amsterdam now, but when she gets back I know she'll put my MOH's head on straight. I also told Grandma to call the BM in Amsterdam when she gets back. Should I make the BM in Amsterdam a MOH as well, so that she can handle this? My grandma is also talking to my MOH too.

The worst part about this is that I'm not supposed to know any of this. So how do I handle this??!!!!

PS - My grandmother is kinda a stand in for my entire family on this - the 3 BMs in my family can't afford to actually pay for anything, or the 1 BM in my FI's family, so I don't have a problem with my grandmother standing in for them.

---

To me it is definetly to late to change your wedding party. Don't hurt her feelings.... keep her as you MOH...now you know what people say...'You know who your TRUE friends and family members are once you start planning your wedding'. I am going through the same thing...My MOH is not planning anything.....................it is a regular co-worker from my job who jumped in and decided to get the ball moving!!!!

In the future if my MOH decides to get married...her a$$ is on her own. I am so shocked to. She is in her own little world and now all she talks about is trying to get her bf to propose to her. I am like hello....what about me? Help , me with my details....I am the bride to be.....Not you!!!!!! I have known her for about 20years...and she can be so inconsiderate...it is annoying. I know exactly what you are going through!!!

if you feel you need to keep the person you have as moh maybe your other friend can co-maid of honor to hold stuff together - that is what i ended up having to do.
just a thought

according to my guide for the stupid bride ( which by the way has really useful tearouts to give the bridal party with what they need to do - gosh i couldnt live without this stupid thing ) the maid of honor is responsible for organizing the shower and her with the bp is suppose to pay for it - they note here that sometimes the brides family may assist in the planing/financial responsibilities but traditionally it is a job associated with the maid or matron of honor .

that being said i have never been to one where the bp didnt plan and take care of it .. the rsvps are always to the bp ( as far as i know )

i dont think it is too late to change the bp - if you feel you need someone more responsible to take care of this then that is really the way to go - ( personally i would also talk to her about upsetting your grammy - cause in my book that is a major no no - but that is just me )
however it goes hon - you have my best wishes - i am sure it will all work out

BUT....if you ask someone else at this point, wouldn't they KNOW they were second choice?

I agree, MOH shouldn't be based on who will pay how much, but it seems she is being difficult. Poor grandma....And no, you should not know about all of this, you have enough to deal with already!

Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide. My oldest sister is a total tightwad, and I have no BMs, but I know my other sis will take care of me. (She was MOH the first time, and this time will be the soloist instead). Should have seen my oldest sister's face when I told her that the MOH pays for the honeymoon!!! Priceless!!!

---

Posted by nsgraham

Jill13 bean, I'm not putting all the weight on her. We had a conversation that it would be a combination between her, my other BMs who could, and my family, at least that was my understanding. And she told my grandmother, in a way that made my grandmother not like her that much (and she used to), that she wasn't doing anything at all finanically. MY GRANDMOTHER asked my why I picked her, and I was venting. That's my issue - she's just not MOH material in general - this is like the straw that broke the camel's back.

Now, is it her responsibility? According to proper ediqutte (sp?), her and the BMs. Each family/person/situation is different, but officially it is. From theknot.com:
------------------------------------------
Q. Who pays for the bridal shower? Just the maid of honor? Can we ask for contributions?

A. Whomever is hosting the shower (it's usually the maid of honor with help from the bridesmaids) should handle footing the bill. So no, you shouldn't ask for contributions from guests, even if the soiree is at a restaurant. That said, there are many budget-friendly ways to plan, and maybe the bride's Mom or Grandma will slip you a $20 or two.
---------------------------------------------

And I wouldn't care if she couldn't help out, if 1) she wasn't so rude to my grandmother about it and 2) it wasn't my understanding that she was. And all of the other MOH problems I've been having with her.

---

well if she was rude to your grandmother that is one thing..... it didn't sound like that
i am sorry.. didn't mean to sound so harsh..
i just feel like people expect the bridal party to pay for things like the shower and sometimes they aren't even old enough to work themselves
your right it is difefrent in all situations and if you had a conversation about this then she is WRONG
if you feel the your girlfriend in Amsterdam could help i would make her a 2nd MOH..that would be nice
my MOH is in Boston but all of my BM (most of them) have been great

The other girls have covered all the money issues, so I just want to say this. I can't believe your MOH is trying to make you feel guilty for wanting a shower! She should know better than to tell you things that are going to upset you, like what a burden it is on your grandma. Clearly it's a burden your grandma is willing to bear if she didn't want you to be told this!

Yes, it's true that you picked your MOH because she's your best friend. But it doesn't seem to me that she's behaving like a true friend if she won't even let you talk about wedding plans, and she's made it clear that your entire wedding is putting her out in some way. I don't believe her issues are simply financial--she seems pissy about the wedding in general. I wonder why she even said yes to being the MOH.

Sorry, it's just my opinion, but it seems as if she keeps making you feel bad about wanting to have a wedding. You should be able to discuss plans with your MOH, and you should have a shower, and it's perfectly okay if you have 'wedding on the brain'. You're getting married! She should be more supportive.