What to do about the 'Parent Dances' as my dad is deceased? (Long - but need advice)

Original post by jennyg

Sep 04, 2003 11:29 AM

Please help girls...my dad passed away 4 years ago and although I am really looking forward to my wedding next week, I already feel sad that he will not be there. Well, my fi and I had decided we wouldn't do any 'parent' dances as I really think it will me make very uncomortable and sad and I don't want people staring at me on the dancefloor with my brothers feeling bad for me. The way I look at it, I want an upbeat party for the reception and I think focusing on a dance where my dad can't be there will be too much for me.

So, my fi talks this over with his mom last week and explains that it would me make uncomfortable but want to make sure its okay with her. She says 'its your wedding, you should do whatever makes you comfortable, blah, blah blah'. I was so releived that she was so understanding and I didn't give it another thought - until last night. My FMIL calls fi and says she has to let him know she's thought about it and she's upset she won't be able to 'share that moment' with him. And wants to know if we can come to some sort of 'compromise.'

I have been crying about this since last night. I don't know what to do...I really really don't want to be upset at my reception but I also don't want to take something away from my FMIL that she thinks is that important. We are not doing the announcement of the BP, boquet toss, garter or anything else like that - I just really don't want to have to sit through a parent dance and feel sad at my own wedding (that we are paying for ourselves, by the way).

WHAT SHOULD I DO????

jennyg Posted: Sep 04, 2003 03:51 PM

Re: What to do about the 'Parent Dances' as my dad is deceased? (Long - but need advice)

Thank you all so much - it helps just to know others have been in this situation and the differnet options we have out there...I'll let you know how it goes.

Teri Posted: Sep 04, 2003 04:07 PM

Re: What to do about the 'Parent Dances' as my dad is deceased? (Long - but need advice)

wanted to add: Since DH danced with his mom I could have danced with my dad's brother, but to me that would have been way more emotional - like he's a replacement OR that it's pointing out the obvious - that he's not there. There wouldn't have been a dry eye in the house and I wanted to keep my day as happy as could be

So, for me, my solution worked out fine and DH got his dance with his mom

Good luck with whatever you decide!

blissbride Posted: Sep 04, 2003 07:25 PM

Re: What to do about the 'Parent Dances' as my dad is deceased? (Long - but need advice)

My father has passed away too and I will dance with my brothers, but to a song about family, not about father & daughter.
I would permit your FMIL to have the dance with your FH. I'm sure she has waited a long time for that dance and you should extend her that courtesy. Believe me, you'll be happy you did and it will keep the peace.
If the roles were reveresed, would you not dance with your dad if he were here and his mom was gone?

PinkRose Posted: Sep 05, 2003 01:31 AM

Re: What to do about the 'Parent Dances' as my dad is deceased? (Long - but need advice)

JennyG, you need to follow your heart. I have no clue what I'm going to do. My dad passed away 5 months ago, a month after I got engaged. I hadnt considered not having my FI have his dance with FMIL but as I read this thread now I am thinking. My intentions were to dance with my brothers or not to dance at all. I do like the idea of the song dedication versus the spotlight for FI-FMIL because whether I dance with my brother or not, my whole family will be sad. I wont know how I'll be until I'm in the moment. To you and all the rest.. our dads will be there no matter what.

princess99 Posted: Sep 05, 2003 07:06 AM

Re: What to do about the 'Parent Dances' as my dad is deceased? (Long - but need advice)

I am getting married without my mom or my dad, they have both passed away. But I was also devastated , and in the same situation... I also did not want anyone to pity me, so FMIL and FH deceided they are going to make sure they dance to a special song together, but not make a big deal out of it, not have DJ announce it, etc. Hugs to you.

IrishTracy Posted: Sep 05, 2003 08:53 AM

Re: What to do about the 'Parent Dances' as my dad is deceased? (Long - but need advice)

Your FH could do the dance w/ his Mother & then that's it. Meaning you don't have to do a spotlight dance w/ anyone. Then just make sure that they play a dance tune after that.

I know it's not her wedding but, some Moms have the vision in there heads of dancing w/ their son at his wedding. (My Mother knew the song she wanted since my brother was a boy) Just stand by your Mom when they are dancing. Or, if you have to leave the room while they are dancing.

I wouldn't suggest playing a sad song in honor of your Dad. Maybe pick a song that you know he loved & not make a big deal of it. (My Father loved the song 'What's Going On' by 4 Non-Blondes everytime I hear it I smile & sing along!)

Mich1108 Posted: Sep 05, 2003 03:50 PM

Re: What to do about the 'Parent Dances' as my dad is deceased? (Long - but need advice)

I am in the same situation except my father passed away over 10 years ago. My sister danced with my mom at her wedding to 'Because You Loved Me.' She didn't want to play a sad song for my dad so she dedicated Janet Jackson's 'We'll Be Together Again.' I will probably dance with my mom too but I can't find an appropriate song! There aren't many out there that haven't already been so overused like 'B/C You Loved Me' or 'Wind Beneath My Wings,' etc. I also know my FMIL would not be happy if she couldn't dance with her son & that's fine. She can do that, it won't bother me. It used to upset me to see other brides dance with their fathers b/c I always knew I would never be able to do that. But watching sons dance with their mothers doesn't upset me.

It is your day & you shouldn't have to do something that will upset you but you might be upsetting your FMIL if you take her dance away from her. As it is, moms of grooms don't much say or attention. That's kind of like their one moment at their child's wedding. I understand where you're coming from but I agree with the other posters who said maybe they can still do their dance but either not spotlight it or maybe both of you dance with your moms at the same time.

Maribelle7777 Posted: Sep 05, 2003 04:39 PM

Re: What to do about the 'Parent Dances' as my dad is deceased? (Long - but need advice)

I think that mabye you shold let your FMIL and husband dance. While it might upset you, it's only fair to let your FMIL have that chance that she has been lookign forward to as well. She probably agreed to at first seeing as she didn't want anything to upset you, but then thought it over and realized that it's important to her to dance with your FH. Maybe you and your brother can dance in honor of your father? It will be sad but I think that your dad will be smiling in heaven too over it I kinda know how you feel my mom passed away 5 yrs ago and FH never met her and I wish that she was still here to help me with all the wedding planning.

Maribelle7777 Posted: Sep 05, 2003 04:42 PM

Re: What to do about the 'Parent Dances' as my dad is deceased? (Long - but need advice)

actually someone here suggested dancing with your mom. i like that idea too. my friend did that and they both like to jive so they did a jive to some 30's band song...it's instrumental but it's popular...dono't know the name of it (something about a train in the title I think???) anyway - her dad passed years ago so she was OK with it but I thought it was a nice idea and touching too.

The Original 2nd-time-around Posted: Sep 05, 2003 05:08 PM

Re: What to do about the 'Parent Dances' as my dad is deceased? (Long - but need advice)

When I was married, I was in the same situation. My dad had passed away 5 years before. (My mom remarried, and my stepdad and I are semi-close). My husband danced with his mom, and then I danced with my stepdad while my husband danced with my mom (to a song that I dedicated to my mom). 1/2 way through I switched and danced with my mom.

to you.I know this is really hard for you, but realize that this is a moment that all moms of boys dream of all their lives.

In the end, it's your decision, and you have to do what's going to make you comfortable

pschica Posted: Sep 06, 2003 10:13 AM

Re: What to do about the 'Parent Dances' as my dad is deceased? (Long - but need advice)

we are in the same position b/c of fh's mom who will have passed away onyl one year before the day after our wedding (wedding is on 16th, she passed on 17th) - we are picking songs that i will dance with my dad to but not formally recognizing it...i'll just be dancing with my dad....thsi way, he still gets to dance with me (he doesn't care either way though - which is nice!) and it is not out there to dredge up any more pain than we will alreayd have.....

good luck - this is tough! if you need anything, please feel free to fm me!

Diane Posted: Sep 06, 2003 10:19 AM

Re: What to do about the 'Parent Dances' as my dad is deceased? (Long - but need advice)

just wanted to start off by saying Im sorry that you wont have your dad there
But he will be there in SPIRIT to see how beautiful you ladies will be in your white dresses

I suggest dancing with another relative, or a good friend instead...or like someone else mesntioned dance with mom to a song she would like, and maybe a shortened version of that Luther Vandross song.
Best wishes to you. Dad will be watching over you leadies on your very special DAY!!!!!

yabbobay Posted: Sep 06, 2003 12:21 PM

Re: What to do about the 'Parent Dances' as my dad is deceased? (Long - but need advice)

remember..your MIL may have been looking forward to this moment since he was a baby...

I think you could do Teri's idea...leave when they are dancing

or dance with your mom...and if you have brothers you could have them cut in...

DH and his mom danced to In My Life by the Beatles...and it really sums up losing loved ones in your life (his father and his 'stepfather' both passed away)