What to do with a BM you want to kill?

I have one BM in my wedding party- she and I were very close in college and after.. Over the years we did drift apart some.. but, I felt we had the kind of relationship that she would still be excited and want to be a part of my special day..

Anyway- she glady accepted when I asked her. Since then though she has been unenthusiastic, etc. all the things a bad BM does.. Never even asks me how wedding plans are going, etc.

I IM her at work- my best friend too- and we try to engage her-- it's almost like she doesn't want to talk to us, she talks but only about herself- never asks us anything- best friend is also getting married.. I ask her for plans- her bf lives on LI, so she goes out there every weekend (we are in the city)- she is never around.

Anyway- it's so weird.. She already bought the BM dress.. so, I don't know.. but I just feel like if you did not want to be a part of this- you shouldn't have said yes. Since she is now a BM- I have made more effort with her- and it gets me nowhere..

Do I just turn the other cheek and not let it spoil anything- I know that if I said anything to her, she would get so defensive and turn it around- don't know how-- so I feel I just don't want to rock the boat. She just makes me feel like my wedidng inconveinces her-- and I have only asked her to coem to my apt once- and pick out a BM dress-- not even go looking- just one place, try on, etc.

---

Posted by randella

Do I just turn the other cheek and not let it spoil anything-

---

Yes. That's the best thing to do. This is a wonderful time in your life. Don't let her get to you. Focus your attention on the people who are really there for you.

---

Posted by Robinella

I think most people dont realize that their own wedding is not as exciting for other people lol What excites you may not mean much to her, but it doesnt mean she doesnt care. None of my friends are jumping up and down and inquiring everyday about my wedding...and im glad they aren't...dont want my wedding to be the only thing we talk about. I think you should continue to be excited about your wedding...and just cut her some slack...ive been in weddings and have weddings coming up that im in that im not overly enthusiastic about..but they are some of my bestfriends and i love them and im SO happy for them..and i know they doubt my friendship so much as to think that just cause i dont ask about wedding plans or act crazy excited about the wedding that im not happy for them or dont want to be in their wedding party. Just my opinion.

---

No- she definitely does not care.. I mean- this girl doesn't even say, how are you? Or asks me about my new job- after I ask her about her's.

I do not expect people to constantly ask me- I would actually find that annoying- but ONCE?

Don't let it spoil your fun. She may just be jealous and/or upset that the both of you are getting married and she is not.

That's why I am so thankful for this website. I can talk about things that matter to future brides, not my friends without having to deal with the rolling of the eyes or bored looks.

---

Posted by Backinneyork

Don't let it spoil your fun. She may just be jealous and/or upset that the both of you are getting married and she is not.

That's why I am so thankful for this website. I can talk about things that matter to future brides, not my friends without having to deal with the rolling of the eyes or bored looks.

---

who knows.. I mean, she did not come out the night we got engaged- FH arranged for all my friends to be at dinner (which she was invited to)- and then more people at the bar after- cause she was helping her BF move.. I should have learned then- but, I did not want to hurt her feelings by not including her and waited like 2 or 3 months after I was engaged to ask everyone..

---

Posted by randella


best friend is also getting married..

---

I think this is key. She doesn't feel like part of the group.

i'm going through a very similar situation ..sometimes i wonder why people just can't be honest and say hey its really a hassle right now to be a BM but i'd love to come to the wedding..THAT'S GREAT!! NO PROBLEM!! BE A GUEST>>LESS STRESS FOR ME because you're not into and i feel bad
anyway chalk it up and move on from it..she'll be there and it will be her own time that she ruins unless you let her ruin yours..life is short..just be happy

---

Posted by suven

---

Posted by randella


best friend is also getting married..

---

I think this is key. She doesn't feel like part of the group.

---

Well- my best friend is gay and having a commitment ceremony- this girl has said to me, which I have not told my best friend- that she is not having a 'real wedding'.. I mean, she is just not the nicest person-- but she used to be! It's like over the past few years something has happened to make her so nasty and selfish.

And all of us don't hang out together anymore- so, feeling left out is not really the main thing here. Perhaps there is jealousy to an extent- but, at least put on a happy face- or fake being interested- a little bit.

I feel like talking to her would not be a good thing, and I know I should just turn the other cheek.. I just don't know what to do about her.

---

Posted by anjerandunder

i'm going through a very similar situation ..sometimes i wonder why people just can't be honest and say hey its really a hassle right now to be a BM but i'd love to come to the wedding..THAT'S GREAT!! NO PROBLEM!! BE A GUEST>>LESS STRESS FOR ME because you're not into and i feel bad
anyway chalk it up and move on from it..she'll be there and it will be her own time that she ruins unless you let her ruin yours..life is short..just be happy

---

you're very right!!

I am sorry to hear that she hasn't gotten any better. That is really a shame.

I know mostly everyone says - ignore it and try to be happy - and I do agree...I wouldnt let her ruin anything for you...


BUT since I know the girl you are talking about - I have to ask, have you spoken to her about your feelings at all?

I can tell you that it is obvious to me that she is EXTREMELY jealous - it pains her to be happy for you or E -which is really a shame - (there is no difference between your wedding or hers - you are both in love and commiting yourselves to your loved one - it's not about the wedding - it's about the marriage!!) She should be asking you about the wedding and be involved...not only as a BM but as a friend.

---

Posted by Jmg11

I am sorry to hear that she hasn't gotten any better. That is really a shame.

I know mostly everyone says - ignore it and try to be happy - and I do agree...I wouldnt let her ruin anything for you...


BUT since I know the girl you are talking about - I have to ask, have you spoken to her about your feelings at all?

I can tell you that it is obvious to me that she is EXTREMELY jealous - it pains her to be happy for you or E -which is really a shame - (there is no difference between your wedding or hers - you are both in love and commiting yourselves to your loved one - it's not about the wedding - it's about the marriage!!) She should be asking you about the wedding and be involved...not only as a BM but as a friend.

---

Jen- you are totally right... I have held off on saying anything to her cause I do realize that while the wedding seems to be getting closer everyday to me- it's still months away for everyone else. I am really hoping that she rallies that week- that's all I care about it.. and of course take part in the bachelorette party and shower.. but you are so right- she should be concerned about what's going on in my life as a friend- regardless.

Sorry Putting aside the fact that she is not interested in the wedding, do you feel like she is still your friend? I would probably just have a talk with her and tell her how you feel about your friendship not being the same. Maybe if you fix you friendship then everything else will fall into place.

Good Luck

---

Posted by lullabella

Sorry Putting aside the fact that she is not interested in the wedding, do you feel like she is still your friend? I would probably just have a talk with her and tell her how you feel about your friendship not being the same. Maybe if you fix you friendship then everything else will fall into place.

Good Luck

---

yeah- that's the thing.. I thought that her being involved in the wedding would be a good thing- she is one of those friends who while we have drifted- I still will always talk to her and consider her a close friend- even if we don't have as much in common now, as we did 5 years ago. Anyway-- after trying to reach out to her- now that she is in the wedding party- and making more of an effort with her- she seems to now welcome it and certainly does not recipricate it.

She's a hard person to deal with- at any rate- the consensus here is to just let it go.. so I will.

I should of just had a small bridal party--

---

Posted by lullabella

Sorry Putting aside the fact that she is not interested in the wedding, do you feel like she is still your friend? I would probably just have a talk with her and tell her how you feel about your friendship not being the same. Maybe if you fix you friendship then everything else will fall into place.

Good Luck

---

Agreed...although I am wondering if J is open to this kind of talk?? (although to be honest - if you can't talk to her and try to fix the situation - then you can't complain about it either - you have to try to do what is in your control. If you talk to her nad she continues - that is a whole other story) I hope she is - I think you should talk to her - let her know how what she does makes you feel - I would probably even throw in a thought like - 'i asked you to be my bm becuase...' or - 'I get the impression you don't really want to take part - if you dont please be honest and I will understand'

Either way -d ont let her bad 'tude ruin your engagement. You dont realize until after the wedding how being engaged is so much a part of the whole wedding - cause the actual wedding is only a few hours.


If you think it is going to ruin things - then ask her politely to not be a part of it. this is YOUR day Randi. and not only is it YOUR day - but it's your friendship with her we are talking about here - and no friend does what she is doing. Loved ones don't make you feel bad. (especially not about your wedding)

Im sorry - I feel like I might be a little harsh - but it kills me to think about what she is doing - and how she is making you feel - it's not right.