What would you do??

My florist asked me what color I wanted my mom's roses on her clutch to be and what color she was wearing. I said she didn't get her dress yet but she is definite on the color navy blue so white roses are fine.
She then asked about my FH's mother (who was right there the whole time). I asked her what color she would like to have in her clutch and assumed she was going to wear a beige/taupe color because she had told me that months earlier. She said, no I'm wearing blue. So I said oh, what kind of blue? And she said dark blue. So I really didn't know what to do next and said 'Well, that is going to be a problem then because my Mom is wearing navy'.
I feel she is doing this on purpose to cause a problem, why? I don't know. If she had NO clue my Mom was wearing that color then it would be totally different.
BUT weeks before the florist incident my Mom had told her in front of me that she was going to wear navy (very few colors work with my mom because she is pale with red hair and it's hard to find something that doesn't wash her out). My FMIL said, oh that's EXACTLY the color I wanted to wear... It was very odd the way she said it like that. So my Mom said nothing and changed the subject.
I thought, okay FMIL had a Marie Barone moment and said something stupid once again like she often does. I found it so strange b/c FMIL told me she was SET on taupe. But, I thought she would just forget about the blue and not push the issue... until, the florist.
Now I realize that she is really serious about this. EVEN though she had told me before the incident at the florist and the incident with my Mom that she was definitely going with taupe. My mom is like what is wrong with her?? Why does she do these kinds of things?
What would you do? Do I say anything? Do I get FH involved even though this doesn't have a lot to do with him? Is she doing this on purpose? Did I have a right to say what I said to her at the florist? WHY does she cause problems? (I know nobody can answer that!!)
Please help, I have this awful feeling that from now on I'm going to have to start putting her in her place when things happen--a lot or else she is going to keep doing these things.
Sorry this is so long!!

Sorry to hear you're upset.

Just being honest and IMO - I don't see what the problem is with Mom & FMIL wearing the same color. The dresses will be different, and navy happens to be a very flattering color.

You can differentiate them with the color flowers you're giving them - Mom w/white and FMIL with another color (maybe pink, red, yellow, etc.)

There are going to be many bumps along the road, and picking and choosing battles is really a key factor in reducing stress and resentment.

I honestly think you should just let this one slide, because people will wear what they want to wear and should be comfortable in what they choose.

---

Posted by ChrissynRicky

Sorry to hear you're upset.

Just being honest and IMO - I don't see what the problem is with Mom & FMIL wearing the same color. The dresses will be different, and navy happens to be a very flattering color.

You can differentiate them with the color flowers you're giving them - Mom w/white and FMIL with another color (maybe pink, red, yellow, etc.)

There are going to be many bumps along the road, and picking and choosing battles is really a key factor in reducing stress and resentment.

I honestly think you should just let this one slide, because people will wear what they want to wear and should be comfortable in what they choose.

---

thanks for the advice, i really appreciate it! i would have no problem with FMIL if they both just happened to wear the same color. i think the reason i was upset and hurt by this is because it seems to be done on purpose.
i think in the future i will just try and let a lot of things go and realize that once we are married and the wedding is over i won't have to deal with her as much anymore so that's nice, lol.

---

Posted by STBMrsDaniRella

thanks for the advice, i really appreciate it! i would have no problem with FMIL if they both just happened to wear the same color. i think the reason i was upset and hurt by this is because it seems to be done on purpose.
i think in the future i will just try and let a lot of things go and realize that once we are married and the wedding is over i won't have to deal with her as much anymore so that's nice, lol.

---

Oh, you're so welcome.

I know it seems that she might have done this deliberately (who knows out of jealousy or whatever) but there's always that percentage that she didn't do it deliberately and you don't want to confront her about it b/c it'll just cause more problems (trust issues) down the line.

Perception is key and can always be taken in a million directions.

I really don't think this is worth causing a stir over. Isn't it possible that she just didn't know what color to wear and so decided on beige and then when your mom mentioned navy she realized how nice that would look and decided to do that instead?

All these 'rules' for who chooses what color when and who can and can't wear the same color... even many people who have been to multiple weddings don't know these things, or don't think they really matter. More often than not I think people just make choices like this because they don't realize that it's considered rude or inconsiderate, rather than because they are doing it to purposefully cause a problem

I mean, obviously I don't know this woman so if she is a naturally nasty problem causing kind of person then I may be totally off base. I just think that overall it is much more likely that these things are done out of ignorance than maliciousness.

If it's really a problem explain to her that generally the MOB and MOG should wear different colors to stand out from each other, but I personally wouldn't bother.

---

Posted by sarahradio5

Well, the bride's mother is supposed to get first choice in color, so it is not right that your FMIL (seamingly sneakily) is taking that right away from her. I'm actually trying to get my mother to get her dress because my FMIL is waiting to hear what color my mom is wearing before she picks hers, since she knows that bride's mother gets first choice. It's definitely a respect thing. I would ask your FH if he would mind saying something to his mom. I would be upset, too.

---

yeah, i thought that the mother of the bride was supposed to get first choice. and my sister's FMIL did the same thing yours did--she actually called my mom and asked her to let her know as soon as she chose a color so that she could avoid it which was very nice of her. my sister really lucked out with her FMIL...she's great!! of course!!

---

Posted by weddingbunny

I really don't think this is worth causing a stir over. Isn't it possible that she just didn't know what color to wear and so decided on beige and then when your mom mentioned navy she realized how nice that would look and decided to do that instead?

All these 'rules' for who chooses what color when and who can and can't wear the same color... even many people who have been to multiple weddings don't know these things, or don't think they really matter. More often than not I think people just make choices like this because they don't realize that it's considered rude or inconsiderate, rather than because they are doing it to purposefully cause a problem

I mean, obviously I don't know this woman so if she is a naturally nasty problem causing kind of person then I may be totally off base. I just think that overall it is much more likely that these things are done out of ignorance than maliciousness.

If it's really a problem explain to her that generally the MOB and MOG should wear different colors to stand out from each other, but I personally wouldn't bother.

---

yeah, that's definitely a good way to look at it. i will try to see that when i look at the situation because it won't make me so upset if i do. i think a lot of times though she puts on the ignorance over malicious intent because she wants people to think, oh that's just her! you know?? but i think you gave very good advice by suggesting that i should say 'generally MOB and MOG wear different colors to stand out'--she just loves standing out lol so that might work!! watch, she'll show up in fire engine red now hahaha! thanks so much for the input!

---

Posted by ChrissynRicky

Sorry to hear you're upset.

Just being honest and IMO - I don't see what the problem is with Mom & FMIL wearing the same color. The dresses will be different, and navy happens to be a very flattering color.

You can differentiate them with the color flowers you're giving them - Mom w/white and FMIL with another color (maybe pink, red, yellow, etc.)

There are going to be many bumps along the road, and picking and choosing battles is really a key factor in reducing stress and resentment.

I honestly think you should just let this one slide, because people will wear what they want to wear and should be comfortable in what they choose.

---

Well said, it's best to pick your battles (and based on the information you gave in your post, there will be battles).

I had a friend who's wedding I was in call me one day on this same topic. I didn't realize it was tradition that mom's do not wear the same color (or shades of) so I might have been a bad person to ask. It ended up looking fine, both mom's dresses were so different, nobody would've even realized they were wearing the same color.

I'd be upset though since she insisted she was wearing taupe and then all of the sudden was wearing the same color as your mother but it's not worth getting into an argument about.

I see how you would be upset-but its not worth starting a war over it...My FMIL keeps asking about my mom so that they dont clash in color (my mom is alot younger then FMIL) maybe she just doesnt want to clash-maybe she is being silly or whatever you want to call it but IMHO I dont think its worth it

I know it is upsetting that she would do that, however I would not make a big deal about it. It would not matter to me if my mother and FMIL wore the same color dress. Don't let it bother you.