what would you do? BM bullsh*t

So i recently found out that i have a dead beat BM. Apparently, my MOH had asked all the girls for $ towards my shower, shower gift, and bachelorette. Well this particular bridesmaid (she lives in california) was coming out one weekend and told my MOH she'd give it to her then. Well on sunday of that weekend, she sent an email to my MOH saying she wasn't going to be able to contribute anything.

Now let me just say that when my BM was out, we all went out to dinner and she had no problem spending $80 on dinner and then went out drinking later. So needless to say, i believe that's a load of cr*p!

Then my MOH put together a scrap book for me to give to me at my shower. Well she did 75% of the book and asked all of my BM's to do one or two pages. My MOH mailed all the girls their pages and this same BM never mailed it back. My MOH just got an email from her on saturday saying that she just got the page (my MOH sent it out a month ago) and she didn't think she could get it to her by my shower (which was THAT saturday).

I guess i can understand the $ issue (although for her it's all b.s.), but the scrap book??? That doesn't take any money and i'm so disappointed in her. Do i say anything? And then there's the BM gifts... do i give her the same as everyone else???

ohhhh wow... I am sorry you are going through this & for some reason I have a feeling one of my BM are going to give my MOH a problem/hard time...I don't know what I would do really...I don't think someone who doesnt do as much as the other girls should get the same gift as someone who works there butttts off....but is it really the right thing to do? Maybe speak to her & find out if there is something she should know about...I am speechless regarding this ~ this is my greatest fear! Good Luck!

It seems there is one in every crowd. I would let it go, give her the same gift and then keep this whole thing in mind in the future when considering including her in anything. Some people are really only out for themselves and their colors really come out when planning your wedding

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Posted by mcb916

It seems there is one in every crowd. I would let it go, give her the same gift and then keep this whole thing in mind in the future when considering including her in anything. Some people are really only out for themselves and their colors really come out when planning your wedding

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But see... i was utterly shocked about this girl! I mean we've been friends since kindergarten. When i asked her to my in my bridal party, she was so happy and was even crying! It doesn't make sense. But then again, how do i not take this personally?

I can sympathize...I had a deadbeat bridesmaid...worse, she's my COUSIN...she gave the other BMs such a hard time about not having any money to contribute, she couldn't even offer ideas and time in lieu of money - she said she wasn't even going to be able to make the shower...She dropped out last month saying that she just didn't think she'd have the $$ to 'do this'

I was very upset at first, but I am much happier now. My BMs threw me a fantastic shower and things are much more peaceful now.

I would say that if you still want this girl in your wedding party, then just continue focusing on the happy aspects of planning, give her the same gifts as everyone else and then deal with it afterwards...

I'm sorry you are going through this. I would talk to her in a calm manner though. Ask her what is going on in her life and tell her that you want her to be apart of your wedding but you don't feel like she wants to be a part of it. If she mentions $$ then I would say there are other things she can do to help that doesn't take $$ i.e. the scrapbook. About the BM gifts The idea of BM gifts is to thanks your BMs for the work they've done so I think the gift should merit the work they've done.

Good luck.

wow...my cousin, who I asked to be a BM and she said yes...she lives in Mississippi, she apparently told my BM's the same thing, that she wouldn't be contributing....and my mom found out....

the next day, my BM told me that she couldn't be in the party...then everyone told me that she was not planning on helping out with $$.

I don't know what to tell you, I was lucky enough where my BM bailed out and my other BM's didn't have to put up with that stuff...

sorry it is happening to you...

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Posted by neener1211

wow...my cousin, who I asked to be a BM and she said yes...she lives in Mississippi, she apparently told my BM's the same thing, that she wouldn't be contributing....and my mom found out....

the next day, my BM told me that she couldn't be in the party...then everyone told me that she was not planning on helping out with $$.

I don't know what to tell you, I was lucky enough where my BM bailed out and my other BM's didn't have to put up with that stuff...

sorry it is happening to you...

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Well see... my BM already has the dress. she already purchased her plane ticket for the wedding. I asked her a year and a half ago to be in the wedding so she had 16 months to prepare for it. She knew going into it that it would cost money and if she didn't have the money at all (b.s.) than she should have bailed out months and months ago. And it's not just about the money. I can understand the $ issue. I think the thing that put me over the edge was the scrapbook thingy and the lack of effort on her part.

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Posted by JennJay

Why is everyone telling you this? I don't think it is appropriate for your MOH and other BMs to be telling you anything negative about the others. Yes, you should get her the same gift as you get the others. She is in your wedding party, didn't she buy the dress? You said she lives in Cali, so isn't she coming all the way in for your wedding. Who cares about the $$, who cares about the scrpapbook.... Give her a break. And you really don't know if this actually happened, or if the others were just exaggerating.

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Are you kidding me?!?!?!

Number 1- my FH told me all about this regarding this BM and i asked my MOH about it. He thought i had the right to know and he's right!

And guess what... I CARE about the scrapbook! I care about our friendship and her showing a lack of it at the moment!

Any why should i give her a break?!?! I have bent over backwards for my girls... telling them they can get their hair, nails, makeup done or NOT have it done.... that it didn't matter to me. I have bought all of their shoes for them to help keep the cost down. I found a dress that they can REALLY wear again and for only $150. I have been so easy and i haven't asked them for anything!

'And you really don't know if this actually happened, or if the others were just exaggerating.' SERIOUSLY?!?!?! yes you are right... my whole bridal party is making it up!

Honestly - what people say is true - weddings can bring out the worst in people, as much as they bring out the best, if not more. When you have a bunch of girls put together that don't really know each other, all with different personalities, it's bound to get sticky. Factor in money, and differing priorities - you can't avoid problems.

I've been in wedding parties where some people couldn't contribute as much as others, and I think that's fine, as long as they're up front about it.

My take on things that have happened in the past, and this type of situation, is that you can't let it bother you...you can't let it ruin your special time. So, if you won't be able to get past it without discussing it with the problematic party, then go ahead, but enter it with the approach that you don't know the whole story, and try to think of it from her perspective, maybe there's stuff going on that she's not telling anyone. Just ask her what's up, you heard there were some issues, is everything okay...don't be confrontational - that could make things even uglier.

If you can get past it without saying anything, then do that...sometimes these things blow over, and any issues that are happening, will only continue till the time of your wedding. If your MOH can handle it delicately and talk to the other bridesmaid to see what they can work out together, I think that's the best option - that way you're not at all involved - you shouldn't be concerned with any of this kind of stuff right now. They're all adults...they should be able to talk and work it out themselves.

Good luck - I know it's not an easy spot to be in.

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Posted by JNMWineBride

Honestly - what people say is true - weddings can bring out the worst in people, as much as they bring out the best, if not more. When you have a bunch of girls put together that don't really know each other, all with different personalities, it's bound to get sticky. Factor in money, and differing priorities - you can't avoid problems.

I've been in wedding parties where some people couldn't contribute as much as others, and I think that's fine, as long as they're up front about it.

My take on things that have happened in the past, and this type of situation, is that you can't let it bother you...you can't let it ruin your special time. So, if you won't be able to get past it without discussing it with the problematic party, then go ahead, but enter it with the approach that you don't know the whole story, and try to think of it from her perspective, maybe there's stuff going on that she's not telling anyone. Just ask her what's up, you heard there were some issues, is everything okay...don't be confrontational - that could make things even uglier.

If you can get past it without saying anything, then do that...sometimes these things blow over, and any issues that are happening, will only continue till the time of your wedding. If your MOH can handle it delicately and talk to the other bridesmaid to see what they can work out together, I think that's the best option - that way you're not at all involved - you shouldn't be concerned with any of this kind of stuff right now. They're all adults...they should be able to talk and work it out themselves.

Good luck - I know it's not an easy spot to be in.

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I understand what you're saying and i appreciate your advice. I don't want you to think that i'm pissed or that i'm going to yell at her. I'm just disappointed more than anything. I don't care about the $, i really don't... but i care that she couldn't even put in any effort whats so ever. She hasn't even emailed me or called me to ask how the shower went. This BM and i are rather close and always have been so i doubt that there is more to the story because i would know if there was.

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Posted by aliwnec10

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Posted by JNMWineBride

Honestly - what people say is true - weddings can bring out the worst in people, as much as they bring out the best, if not more. When you have a bunch of girls put together that don't really know each other, all with different personalities, it's bound to get sticky. Factor in money, and differing priorities - you can't avoid problems.

I've been in wedding parties where some people couldn't contribute as much as others, and I think that's fine, as long as they're up front about it.

My take on things that have happened in the past, and this type of situation, is that you can't let it bother you...you can't let it ruin your special time. So, if you won't be able to get past it without discussing it with the problematic party, then go ahead, but enter it with the approach that you don't know the whole story, and try to think of it from her perspective, maybe there's stuff going on that she's not telling anyone. Just ask her what's up, you heard there were some issues, is everything okay...don't be confrontational - that could make things even uglier.

If you can get past it without saying anything, then do that...sometimes these things blow over, and any issues that are happening, will only continue till the time of your wedding. If your MOH can handle it delicately and talk to the other bridesmaid to see what they can work out together, I think that's the best option - that way you're not at all involved - you shouldn't be concerned with any of this kind of stuff right now. They're all adults...they should be able to talk and work it out themselves.

Good luck - I know it's not an easy spot to be in.

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I understand what you're saying and i appreciate your advice. I don't want you to think that i'm pissed or that i'm going to yell at her. I'm just disappointed more than anything. I don't care about the $, i really don't... but i care that she couldn't even put in any effort whats so ever. She hasn't even emailed me or called me to ask how the shower went. This BM and i are rather close and always have been so i doubt that there is more to the story because i would know if there was.

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Sounds like you have a great outlook on everything. If you guys are that close, and if this seems uncharacteristic for her...then there might be more to what's going on. I wouldn't let it bother you. You may want to just talk to her... say you really missed her at the shower, and you're looking forward to seeing her page for the scrapbook - let her know you're aware, and maybe she'll open up, or maybe it'll help her to see how you're feeling.

First, unfortunately, I have to say that yes you should give her the the same gift you are giving to everyone else. The gift is thanking her for being apart of the special day, for flying out, for walking down the aisle with a smile, for appreciating her for standing up for you when you marry your FH.

I never really visualized my BM's as doing a lot for the wedding for me. I saw them as close friends who I wanted to be there, in a special way, when I married my DH. And while some went out of their way, I won't fault those who didn't.

Now, back to your situation. I do not believe it is appropriate for anyone to tell you about the money issues until after the wedding is done and over with....I don't mean to flame, but it is my opinion that those things should be kept to oneself. If they felt the need after the wedding to let you know, then fine. But I think they did you a disservice by telling you that (again, JMHO).

Regarding the scrapbook - yes, I would be upset and I would send her a note saying, 'I can't wait to get your page for the scrapbook. It's truly not complete without your section!'

You should go on and pretend that all is well rather than call her out on it. Maybe she was busy or isn't artistic. Maybe she was nervous or maybe something happened in her life. Maybe she doesn't really like your MOH or maybe she doesn't know the 'demands' of being in a Bridal Party. Sometimes people just don't understand and don't get it.

I think, rather than cutting her slack, I think you should call a spade a spade. Get your scrapbook complete and dont' worry too much about her till after the wedding. Then decide what you want to do.

HTH!

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Posted by lollipop

That is so annoying! You know, I'm sorry, but the money excuse can only go so far. When I'm asked to be a bm I immediately start taking a small amount of money out of every paycheck and put it aside for that purpose. By the time everything comes around for the shower, dress, etc. I have a decent chunk of change to off set what I have to shell out then. I'm sure you did not get engaged 2 months ago and all of this is happening suddenly. It's just rude. If you can't afford to be a BM, just say so! Jeez! As for the scrap book that's just unacceptable. that was the very least of what she could do. All that being said, you can't not give her an equivalent gift of all the others, in my opinion. That will definitely lead to further headaches. Good luck!

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I agree! I mean she's had 16 months to save a little bit of money. Truth be told though... she'd be coming to my wedding no matter what since we've been friends for 20 years! So the only thing she's had to spend money on to be in my wedding is the dress. Thats it! But the part that really bothers me is the scrapbook and the thing is... she loves doing scrapbooks. 2 years ago for my birthday she sent me a whole photo album of us throughout the years. So i don't know whats going on and if something big was happening, she'd have told me by now.

And i know i have to give all the BM's the same gift. It's just annoying because the rest of them have gone out of their way and overboard for me and this wedding. And she can't even do the 1 page of a scrapbook?!?!

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Posted by snydl40

If it were me-I would say something. I'm only having people in the wedding party-who want to be in it and can afford it-if they can't it's fine. If she is having $ problems than forget about it. Don't forget she is also paying the $ to fly back and forth for the wedding and the shower-this adds up quick.

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she didn't come to the shower. I don't think some of you are reading the whole thread. It's not just about the money...

OMG I am so sorry you have to go through this! I would say if you still want her in your party then maybe you need to have a talk with her I know shes in California but maybe a long chat might make a difference. After that she's either going to drop out or change.
I hope everything works out!