Why am I even upset? (LONG)

Why am I even upset? (LONG)

I don't know why I'm allowing this to get to me, but I am just so upset......
Last night, I heard my mother on the phone with a colleague of her's, and she was gushing and bubbling over with joy because this girl just got engaged. And all I could think about was how my mother was NOT in any way, shape or form even close to happy when I got engaged. She just kind of said, 'Wow, wonderful,' with a flat tone. And since then, if I try to talk about my wedding, she says that there's no point in talking about something that is so far away. Fine, it's far away. Whatever. So when she got off the phone, I said to her, 'Wow, what a reaction. I didn't even get a reaction like that when I got engaged.' And she was just like, 'What are you talking about?' But she had this look on her face so that I KNEW she KNEW. So I asked her, 'Why don't you ever want to talk about my wedding?' And her response was as usual, 'It's just too far away to think about.' So she just came home before and as I was sitting on the couch said to me, 'Well, besides your wedding being too far away to talk about, you're too young to get married.' I was just floored. What the hell? So I said, hello, that's why we're waiting to get married. (We'll both be 26 when we get married, and to me, that is NOT too young.) So then she said, ' I love JT and I think he is the one for you, but you two are too young.' Then she left to go have dinner with a friend. So how am I supposed to react to that? My own mother is not even happy that I am getting married, she won't talk about it and I'm sure she has a whole list of things that she is thinking about the situation that will continue to come out between now and my wedding. I consider my mother and I to be very close, and I always envisioned her being happy when I got married, and this is breaking my heart. Not being able to share this time in my life with my mother is making me question my relationship with her. I just wish that I could say to hell with her, but her opinion is so important to me. I never thought I woudl have to plan my wedding with my mother looking on disapprovingly, yet here I am. I'm just so sad, and I needed to vent.

Re: Why am I even upset? (LONG)

Wow. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but I really think your mother will come around. Especially since she said that she loves JT. That's a really good sign. Maybe she is having some sort of separation anxiety? Are you the only girl in the family? Are you the youngest? She is probably happy for you, but maybe feeling sad that you are growing up. Hang in there!

Re: Why am I even upset? (LONG)

I am her baby, and my older sister, who is my only sibling, has not married yet. So I can see where she might be feeling the separation anxiety, but I just wish that she would get a hold of herself, then. My mother and I have a long history of being emotionally affected by eachother, and we are VERY close. It took me until I was about 20 for the two of us to realize that we fought so much when I was younger because we were so alike, etc, etc. So for someone who knows how well her attitude affects me, it's just really hard when she says hurtful things. Thanks for your response

Re: Why am I even upset? (LONG)

Wow, that's really a tough blow to hear from your mom. How old was she when she got married? I don't think 26 is too young at all. (But I'll be 25 when I get married so I might have a skewed viewpoint) Anyway, did you date a lot before JT? A friend of mine was in a similar situation when her mom thought she 'settled' too soon, since her FH was her first real relationship. I don't really have any advice though, my friend just dealt with her mom, who warmed up to the idea of a wedding eventually, and she just got married last spring and had a lovely wedding. Maybe your mom is just having a hard time getting older? Accepting the fact that your baby is getting married means you're getting old!
Just wanted to add, do/did your parents have a good marriage, or are they divorced? Maybe your mom feels like she missed out on something getting married young, and she doesn't want the same for you? I dunno. Could it also be menopause? I swear my mother was a basket case when it started in on her.

Re: Why am I even upset? (LONG)

somedaybride, you definitely hit one of her problems on the head. She's obsessed with the fact that she's getting older(the woman looks better at 50 than she did at 25!). Her and my father married at 19, talk about too young. But they are still together, and they have a wonderful relationship. This is also not my first long term relationship. She definitely knows that I've dated around enough to know JT is the one for me. We've been together for three years now, and will have been together for almost 5 when we get married. I don't know. There's got to be a reason. I'm sure she'll have no problem telling it to my face some time soon, but it just hurts. No one really wants to hear about my wedding. When my aunts mention it, my mother squashes it. It's just so upsetting. It's like I'm doing something wrong, or she's ahamed. I know that's not the case, but that's how I feel.

Re: Why am I even upset? (LONG)

Wow, she was married at 19, but thinks 26 is too young. My, how times have changed.
I don't know what her problem is then :( I hope she gets over it soon though.

Re: Why am I even upset? (LONG)

Re: Why am I even upset? (LONG)

Rach just offering you hugs! Your mom will come around. Did you go dress shopping yet? Maybe she will get a little more into it.

Re: Why am I even upset? (LONG)

First of all, she DID say she loved JT and she believed the two of you were perfect for each other. (if that makes you feel any better) That DOES say something about the way she feels about the both of you. I can totally understand you being hurt. I think your mom feeling she is getting older does have something to do with it. Did you ever think she might be upset because part of her feels she is losing you? You did mention you are extremely close and you are the baby!!! I have heard a lot of parents (moms and dads alike) go through this! If so, it is entirely her issue. I do, however, feel you should continue communicating with her. She may be having a hard time accepting her baby is growing up!!!

Re: Why am I even upset? (LONG)

Re: Why am I even upset? (LONG)

Re: Why am I even upset? (LONG)

Re: Why am I even upset? (LONG)

Re: Why am I even upset? (LONG)

Thank you ladies for taking the time to respond. I know my mother has a lot of regrets in life, like not going to art school when she was young and not experiencing different things at a young age, but she has also taken those regrets and turned them into positive things. She started college at 38 and went straight through to her masters and is now very successful. She adopted buddhist meditation, she does yoga, she has traveled. She always brought my sister and I up to value what it means to be a woman and to be independent, yet the more I think about it, the more I can remember her telling me that I won't succeed at something. Like when I went to college, I was a performance major. I had the opportunity to continue with my masters in performance, but instead, I went with history becuase she told me it was ridiculous to get a masters in something you can't point to an ad for in the paper. When I wanted to move away to MA with JT so he could finish school, she told me I would never last. When I moved back from MA she told me I would never be able to make it without JT, etc, etc... She doesn't say these things maliciously, and it's my own fault sometimes if I allow her to have that large an influence on my actions, but the more I think about it, the more it is typical that she is trying to make me feel bad about my wedding. I'm just so upset over this. I have experienced so much in my short 24 years. I have had ups and downs and success and failure. All things that I've done on my own. I'm independent, I have proven to myself that I can support not only myself, but JT at the same time. I've done so much that I feel like I could marry JT tomorrow and never have a regret from my 'single' life. All of the things in this world that I want to experience, I want to experience with him. I'm not afraid of the committment that a marriage takes and I'm just sick of feeling like I have to prove myself to my mother. I'm an adult, and even if she thinks she sees something that I don't, I really don't care anymore. I'm sorry, I just needed to get that out.

Re: Why am I even upset? (LONG)

I am so sorry your mother is not supportive. It sounds like she wants you to have what she didnt but seems to be overlooking the fact that you have what you want.

Re: Why am I even upset? (LONG)

I can relate to being affected by everything my mother says. Even if it's not about anything big, her opinion is worth 100 votes, whether I like it or not.

There are so many possibilities why she's been like that, I couldn't even begin to speculate. Just wanted to give you some

I always wonder if moms realize their every word has such a profound affect on their children

Re: Why am I even upset? (LONG)

You poor thing. Maybe your mother is being so unwarm because she is sad she’s losing her baby and best friend. I hear often how mothers reject all wedding planning in a way of ‘acting out’. I wonder since she say you’re too young if she still feels you’re her baby and doesn’t want to let go. That if she doesn’t have to talk about your wedding planning or think about it then it’s not ‘real’ and that gives her comfort. So instead she keeps saying “its too far away”, which is just her way of saying “no not yet”.

Either way, it’s sad that it’s hurting your relationship.



Hang in there!

Re: Why am I even upset? (LONG)

I am very close to my mother as well and I had some tough times leading up to my wedding. I think you have to stand firm in what you believe in (your independance, your love etc) but at the same time understand where your mother is coming from. I say that because your mother loves you (and JT) and I don't think she'd do anything that would hurt you- I think she has her own concerns and apprehensions.

Look, I got married at 27 and my mom thought I was too young... Although my mother loves my DH it's been a battle. Our families are totally different and sometimes it's hard for my mom to see that. Up until I was ready to get into the limo in my dress, my mother said, 'if you don't want to do this you don't have to.'

I know that sounds horrible for a mother to say that to the 'bride'- but I understood where she was coming from. She married my Father when she really wanted to 'turn back' but felt like she couldn't because it had gone too far.

Sometimes my Mom makes comments about DH (he's been laid-off two times but now works like a dog) how he doesn't have his degree (he is finishing it now) or how he won't ever be rich (but he works 2 jobs for now).. and I tell her she has to chill out- he's working on it & things don't happen overnight. I understand that all mothers want their babies to marry a millionaire- but most of the time, it just doesn't work out that way.

You have to sit down with your Mom and have a non-emotional, non-confrontational conversation with her. How you understand where she is coming from, but she has to understand you too...

Hang in there.. in a few years this will be just another 'remember when'...

Re: Why am I even upset? (LONG)

I am so sorry you are going through this....no daughter should have to feel that their mother is anything less than ecstatic for their wedding!!!!

Although my mother was thrilled about my wedding, I can relate to the issue of being severley affected by my mothers every word!
Her and I have also had similar problems as you stated when I was younger b/c, we too, are so much alike.

It's such a hard thing to work through b/c we, as children, value our mothers opinions so much, and are constantly seeking their approval.

I don't think you should be asking yourself 'why am I even upset?'.....ANYONE would be.....don't be too hard on yourself.
A better question would be 'How can I get my Mom to understand that I am totally thrilled to Marry JT and let her see that whether you are 26 or 66, you would feel the same way?'

Work on that instead!

Good Luck!

Re: Why am I even upset? (LONG)

Rachel,

I just wanted to offer some support and sympathy.

I don't have much to say, other than I hope that you and your mom can work this out.

Other Rachel