Why Cats are not Man's Best Friend
Since I moved in with Mr Boots and all of my other siblings have moved out as well, my parents are left puttering around the house with no one to act as buffer except my hugely overweight, ill-tempered calico cat, Patty.
I would have taken Patty with me, but Mr Boots has a dog and Patty doesn't play well with others. With my parents she remained. Several years ago a tenuos peace was struck between my parents and Patty which still held, so we were all hoping for the best.
Last night I had to stop by my parents house to pick up some mail. I walked in the front door and, from the corner of my eye, saw Patty curled up in her favorite uncomfortable basket sleeping. My mother was hovering over hear listening intently.
'What are doing, Mom?'
'Nothing, just checking to see if she's breathing.'
I get nervous because I think my poor, vicious pure evil Patty might be sick. No, apparently, this is ia new ritual of my mother's: let's see if the cat is dead!
That's not the worst part. Patty has taken to sitting on father's lap while he watches the news. If my father breathes too much, or shifts his weight ever so slightly, Patty will slash at him or bite him. Aaaawww! They all hate each other!
So we're standing in the kitchen, my parents and I, while Patty snoozes in the next room. My mom and dad are itemizing all the menacing things Patty does to them. She glares, she glowers, she pukes up hairballs for sport, for insists they give her treats at night, she watches them sleep... blah blah blah ridiculous cakes!
I very calmly tell them 'She's a cat, a fat lazy cat who can't even catch a cold, much less a mouse and won't go outside if there's a noisy truck or it's too cold. She's not out to get you!'
As the words leave my mouth, my father turns to get a glass of water and nearly falls over! Patty, silently and deadly, had awoken and crept into the kitchen and stood right at my father's feet just to trip my father up!!
He pointed and cried 'See!!'
And she promptly puked up a hairball, right on my mother's shoe!
I would have taken Patty with me, but Mr Boots has a dog and Patty doesn't play well with others. With my parents she remained. Several years ago a tenuos peace was struck between my parents and Patty which still held, so we were all hoping for the best.
Last night I had to stop by my parents house to pick up some mail. I walked in the front door and, from the corner of my eye, saw Patty curled up in her favorite uncomfortable basket sleeping. My mother was hovering over hear listening intently.
'What are doing, Mom?'
'Nothing, just checking to see if she's breathing.'
I get nervous because I think my poor, vicious pure evil Patty might be sick. No, apparently, this is ia new ritual of my mother's: let's see if the cat is dead!
That's not the worst part. Patty has taken to sitting on father's lap while he watches the news. If my father breathes too much, or shifts his weight ever so slightly, Patty will slash at him or bite him. Aaaawww! They all hate each other!
So we're standing in the kitchen, my parents and I, while Patty snoozes in the next room. My mom and dad are itemizing all the menacing things Patty does to them. She glares, she glowers, she pukes up hairballs for sport, for insists they give her treats at night, she watches them sleep... blah blah blah ridiculous cakes!
I very calmly tell them 'She's a cat, a fat lazy cat who can't even catch a cold, much less a mouse and won't go outside if there's a noisy truck or it's too cold. She's not out to get you!'
As the words leave my mouth, my father turns to get a glass of water and nearly falls over! Patty, silently and deadly, had awoken and crept into the kitchen and stood right at my father's feet just to trip my father up!!
He pointed and cried 'See!!'
And she promptly puked up a hairball, right on my mother's shoe!
