When FH and I decided to move in together he was living with his brother (FBIL). This was back in June. They were locked in a lease through this March. FH told FBIL way in advance that we were going to move in together, and asked FBIL what he wanted to do: FBIL could keep the apartment and find someone to move in, and FH would move out, or FH could keep the apartment and FBIL could move out. At first FBIL decided to keep the apartment. After 2 months of delaying us he changed his mind and decided to move out, and move home to LI to FILs to save money. So I moved in. Then, for approx. 4 months FBIL was working in the city so he would stay over in our tinry guest room/my office 2-3 times per week, during which time I had to let FH know in advance my plans every morning so that FBIL wouldnt be using the bathroom for his routine half hour when I needed to get ready for work. Then FBIL went traveling for a bit. Now he is back, but not working in Manhattan. Already this week he ahs stayed over twice at the last minute, and wants to stay over again. We have a TINY apartment with 1 bathroom, and the guest room is where I do my work (I'm a grad student). Now don't get me wrong I like FBIL, although he is a bit flaky, but this is our first 6 months of living together and I feel like we have a 3rd roommate who doesnt walk the dog, leaves his shoes everywhere and doesnt pay rent.
Am I wrong to be a little annoyed by this? What should I do?
Sorry for the length!
jcreilly
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Re: Would this annoy you? (vent)
I would be!
joctorre
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Re: Would this annoy you? (vent)
I absolutely *would* be annoyed. It's not his apartment anymore even though it may feel so comfortable to him...
Someone has to have a talk with him. Depends on how comfortable you are with him (I could do this with one of my fbils, but I think I would have to have FH do it with the other 2). It might mean more coming from you bc you're the one he's inconveniencing more (it seems), but like I said, it depends on how comfy you are with it.
How does FH feel???
AwaitingAugust
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Re: Would this annoy you? (vent)
yeah, it would annoy me too ... i would tell him that he can't stay over anymore. actually, i'd probably tell FH to tell him lol
KTnChris
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that would definitely annoy me. i think fh needs to have a talk with him.
MerSaysEh
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Re: Would this annoy you? (vent)
Posted by joctorre
I absolutely *would* be annoyed. It's not his apartment anymore even though it may feel so comfortable to him...
Someone has to have a talk with him. Depends on how comfortable you are with him (I could do this with one of my fbils, but I think I would have to have FH do it with the other 2). It might mean more coming from you bc you're the one he's inconveniencing more (it seems), but like I said, it depends on how comfy you are with it.
How does FH feel???
i dont know how FH feels. I think he feels guilty that FBIL moved out, so he tries to make it up to him. Also FBIL is traveling again in a couple weeks but I feel like until then he will be staying over a ton. and this is such a busy time of year for me - is it selfish for me to just want my already tiny apartment to myself (and FH and the dog)?
kris_gets_hitched
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Re: Would this annoy you? (vent)
I'd just be straightforward and tell him where the ticket office for the LIRR is located, in case he has a case of convenient amnesia.
kerber981
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Re: Would this annoy you? (vent)
I would def be annoyed. Although I can understand why FBIL is so comfortable there - he has to realize that things have changed and it's not his place anymore. FH should approach this, not you. He should let him know he's welcome to come at a frequency that you and FH agree on (once a week, month, etc?). Go easy on him at first, say it's just hard with the bathrm schedules and struggling w money (extra electricity, food, etc when he's there). See how it goes. If he doesn't catch on after a few weeks, a more serious talk will need to take place. jmo
FutureCap
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it would bother me too.... i think you should talk to FH
BriansWifey
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i would definitly be annoyed but idk how i would handle it either. i wouldnt wanna be on bad terms with fbil....
rdubs
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Re: Would this annoy you? (vent)
I would be annoyed but not sure how you can kick him out, especially if you want a good relationship.
I think he is going to have to stay with you but he needs to pitch in, walk the dog, clean, buy groceries. Does he have a decent income? If so, he should have no trouble contributing to the bills for the time he is there, buying you groceries, walking the dog....I
halfbaked
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I'd definitely be annoyed!! It's one thing when he was working in Manhattan (though, I'd still probably be a little annoyed) but now he has no excuse!!
soontobecruz
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I'd be annoyed if it were every once in a while I would deal but he is making a habit of this and FH should talk to him about it. IMO
halfbaked
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Re: Would this annoy you? (vent)
Posted by MerSaysEh
Posted by joctorre
I absolutely *would* be annoyed. It's not his apartment anymore even though it may feel so comfortable to him...
Someone has to have a talk with him. Depends on how comfortable you are with him (I could do this with one of my fbils, but I think I would have to have FH do it with the other 2). It might mean more coming from you bc you're the one he's inconveniencing more (it seems), but like I said, it depends on how comfy you are with it.
How does FH feel???
i dont know how FH feels. I think he feels guilty that FBIL moved out, so he tries to make it up to him. Also FBIL is traveling again in a couple weeks but I feel like until then he will be staying over a ton. and this is such a busy time of year for me - is it selfish for me to just want my already tiny apartment to myself (and FH and the dog)?
Is FBIL younger than FH? Maybe he feels a little responsible for him? I know FH felt responsible for FBIL and we let him live on our first floor, though he paid rent and we have a house, so it's very different. But, we did have a few people asking us to move in but we said no to one and all because we want to start our married life off just the two of us in the house (and the two dogs). So, no I definitely do not think it's selfish. FBIL is a grown man and has to learn to take care of himself. I'm certain there's someone he can move in with in Queens/Manhattan or he could always go back to the FILs house.
ETA: FBIL moved out about a year ago and lives with his fiancee now.
MerSaysEh
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Re: Would this annoy you? (vent)
Posted by jilliibabii
Posted by MerSaysEh
Posted by joctorre
I absolutely *would* be annoyed. It's not his apartment anymore even though it may feel so comfortable to him...
Someone has to have a talk with him. Depends on how comfortable you are with him (I could do this with one of my fbils, but I think I would have to have FH do it with the other 2). It might mean more coming from you bc you're the one he's inconveniencing more (it seems), but like I said, it depends on how comfy you are with it.
How does FH feel???
i dont know how FH feels. I think he feels guilty that FBIL moved out, so he tries to make it up to him. Also FBIL is traveling again in a couple weeks but I feel like until then he will be staying over a ton. and this is such a busy time of year for me - is it selfish for me to just want my already tiny apartment to myself (and FH and the dog)?
Is FBIL younger than FH? Maybe he feels a little responsible for him? I know FH felt responsible for FBIL and we let him live on our first floor, though he paid rent and we have a house, so it's very different. But, we did have a few people asking us to move in but we said no to one and all because we want to start our married life off just the two of us in the house (and the two dogs). So, no I definitely do not think it's selfish. FBIL is a grown man and has to learn to take care of himself. I'm certain there's someone he can move in with in Queens/Manhattan or he could always go back to the FILs house.
ETA: FBIL moved out about a year ago and lives with his fiancee now.
he is younger, and i know FH feels guilty about FBIL moving out for me to move in. but we gave him so much time and options! i'm just annoyed with all of this.
Jennifer2184
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Re: Would this annoy you? (vent)
it would bother me too, maybe you and your fh can sit down together and discuss it.
mariedsgn
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sorry about this! I'd be so annoyed.
MrsHazel2B
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Re: Would this annoy you? (vent)
Hmm..this is tricky b/c you don't want FBIL to feel like FH has chosen you over him, therefore resenting you. Can FILs talk to FBIL? Maybe they can pull parental rank and tell him you two need your space. My mom has stepped in at times when things could've really gone the wrong way with my siblings.
halfbaked
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Re: Would this annoy you? (vent)
Posted by MerSaysEh
Posted by jilliibabii
Posted by MerSaysEh
Posted by joctorre
I absolutely *would* be annoyed. It's not his apartment anymore even though it may feel so comfortable to him...
Someone has to have a talk with him. Depends on how comfortable you are with him (I could do this with one of my fbils, but I think I would have to have FH do it with the other 2). It might mean more coming from you bc you're the one he's inconveniencing more (it seems), but like I said, it depends on how comfy you are with it.
How does FH feel???
i dont know how FH feels. I think he feels guilty that FBIL moved out, so he tries to make it up to him. Also FBIL is traveling again in a couple weeks but I feel like until then he will be staying over a ton. and this is such a busy time of year for me - is it selfish for me to just want my already tiny apartment to myself (and FH and the dog)?
Is FBIL younger than FH? Maybe he feels a little responsible for him? I know FH felt responsible for FBIL and we let him live on our first floor, though he paid rent and we have a house, so it's very different. But, we did have a few people asking us to move in but we said no to one and all because we want to start our married life off just the two of us in the house (and the two dogs). So, no I definitely do not think it's selfish. FBIL is a grown man and has to learn to take care of himself. I'm certain there's someone he can move in with in Queens/Manhattan or he could always go back to the FILs house.
ETA: FBIL moved out about a year ago and lives with his fiancee now.
he is younger, and i know FH feels guilty about FBIL moving out for me to move in. but we gave him so much time and options! i'm just annoyed with all of this.
I understand where he's coming from, but he should not feel guilty. FBIL's gotta learn to stand on his own two feet someday!! And you BELONG there with him- he's your fiancee! He shouldn't feel guilty for that!
