Would you stay with him?

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Posted by JessicaM.

I look at it a little differently I guess. I never really expected to get married when I was young...I never really wanted to.

I am with my FH because I want to enjoy and spend my life with HIM...if he didn't want to get married, but was COMMITTED to being with me, I would stay.

a marriage certificate does not always equal a stronger committment to the relationship.

BUT, only this girl can feel out where this is coming from....is she a 'good enough for now deal' or is she 'the ONE for the long haul' and he just has issues with marriage itself...

Good luck to her.

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I think it's fine to 'play house' but if you are planning on having children, it is better to be married. IMO

It's up to her, but for me, I would not stay

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Posted by esb980

He;s never been married before. They started dating senior year of HS.

See, at first I was like I would dump him. But why? Marriage is just a piece of paper, a legal binding contract. I mean, to me, it's an very important piece of paper. But, if you KNOW you will be with this person forever, then married or not, that won't change. He could leave you if you were married/ I don't know. I, personally WOULD leave him, but I really don't know why. I mean, I would leave someone I'm in love with because he wouldn't walk down the aisle? When I think about it, it's strange.....

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I don't agree... Marriage is much more than a piece of paper... It is a commitment to one another to stay together and if it is really important to one person, then their other half should recognize that and at least consider the idea of one day getting married...

The reality is that without that piece of paper, there are many things which would affect their relationship. For example, should when they get older, one of them get sick, she will have no say as to his medical treatment... Because she needs that piece of paper to have say... I'm just pointing out that there are justified reasons why a marriage certificate is not 'just a piece of paper'.... it's a lot more than that.

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Posted by esb980

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Posted by ChristineAE

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Posted by esb980

He;s never been married before. They started dating senior year of HS.

See, at first I was like I would dump him. But why? Marriage is just a piece of paper, a legal binding contract. I mean, to me, it's an very important piece of paper. But, if you KNOW you will be with this person forever, then married or not, that won't change. He could leave you if you were married/ I don't know. I, personally WOULD leave him, but I really don't know why. I mean, I would leave someone I'm in love with because he wouldn't walk down the aisle? When I think about it, it's strange.....

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Here's my opinion about this:
She wants to get married, and he doesn't - are they on the same page 'emotionally?' I know that if I loved someone and I didn't believe in 'marriage' for whatever reason, I would marry that person b/c I know it's what they want. Yes, I would make that sacrifice.

Which leads me to say it looks like they're not on the same page and she might stay with him b/c she loves him but he doesn't love her the same way.

ie: It's like some women that stay with the men that beat them - they love them so much and stay with them for fear of not finding someone else....meanwhile the man walks around saying 'I love you.' UM....right.

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Okay, I agree. That makes sense. BUT I think you both have to want to get married. If one of you is looking at marriage as a 'sacrifice' I don't think you'll make it. Some of my friends gave their husbands/ ex husbands an ultimatum, and it didn't work. Their either divorced or unhappy.

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Why is he so 'against' getting married in the first place? What is the BIG DEAL?

My FI and his friends never thought they would be married, but guess what - they said if they met 'THE ONE' - of course they would marry her.

My FI and his friends never thought they would be married, but guess what - they said if they met 'THE ONE' - of course they would marry her.

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very treu- jake never thought he would get marries- and now he is the first of his freinds to do it

it's b/c he found the right person- his opnion changed

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Posted by Noiva06

Marriage is important to me, so I would leave him because I want a family... It depends on how she feels about marriage, if it's something that is important to her, then she should try to move on....

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I agree. It all depends on how 'she' feels about marriage. I personally wouldn't stay in the relationship, but others would. She needs to get her priorites straight. Lots of luck to her!!!

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Posted by stephanief

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Posted by JessicaM.

I look at it a little differently I guess. I never really expected to get married when I was young...I never really wanted to.

I am with my FH because I want to enjoy and spend my life with HIM...if he didn't want to get married, but was COMMITTED to being with me, I would stay.

a marriage certificate does not always equal a stronger committment to the relationship.

BUT, only this girl can feel out where this is coming from....is she a 'good enough for now deal' or is she 'the ONE for the long haul' and he just has issues with marriage itself...

Good luck to her.

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I think it's fine to 'play house' but if you are planning on having children, it is better to be married. IMO

It's up to her, but for me, I would not stay

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there are married people that 'play house' too. my point is just because a person gets married doesn't mean he's any more committed to a relationship than someone who wants to spend their life with another person but for whatever reason does not like marriage...

case in point...Jlo has been married 3 times already...'committed' to each one and we know where that went..

then there is Larry Mullen Jr.- the drummer from U2. he has been with the same woman, Ann, since they were 13 or 14 years old, they have four children together and are not married, yet their committment to each other is unshakeable.

people can be as committed or cavalier as they want to be.

Why doesn't he want to be married? Does he have a reason?

Why does he want to have kids with her, but not give her the commitment. Something is wrong there... JMO.

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Why is he so 'against' getting married in the first place? What is the BIG DEAL?

My FI and his friends never thought they would be married, but guess what - they said if they met 'THE ONE' - of course they would marry her.

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I really don't understand his feelings, she doesn't either. It's weird. His parents have been married for 33 years and they're very happy. I think it's a 'I don't see the point' thing. I don't know

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Posted by esb980

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Why is he so 'against' getting married in the first place? What is the BIG DEAL?

My FI and his friends never thought they would be married, but guess what - they said if they met 'THE ONE' - of course they would marry her.

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I really don't understand his feelings, she doesn't either. It's weird. His parents have been married for 33 years and they're very happy. I think it's a 'I don't see the point' thing. I don't know

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Eleanor - honestly, I don't think he's the right man for her. Chances are is that if he doesn't have a legitimate reason for not wanting to get married to her - they're not right for each other.

There's no reason to be together for 7 years, and within those 7 years, not know what the other person wants or does not want and for what reasons. Communication problem!

You as her friend have the unfortunate position of telling her to 'Snap Out of It, You Deserve someone that will love you and want to be with you as much as you want them.'

The worst feeling in the world is Loving Someone and them not loving you in return.

p.s. You're doing a fab job of getting your point across - don't worry, we got ya!

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Posted by JessicaM.

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Posted by stephanief

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Posted by JessicaM.

I look at it a little differently I guess. I never really expected to get married when I was young...I never really wanted to.

I am with my FH because I want to enjoy and spend my life with HIM...if he didn't want to get married, but was COMMITTED to being with me, I would stay.

a marriage certificate does not always equal a stronger committment to the relationship.

BUT, only this girl can feel out where this is coming from....is she a 'good enough for now deal' or is she 'the ONE for the long haul' and he just has issues with marriage itself...

I'm agreeing with all of JessicaM's views. Briefly my situation. Myself and FH have been together for 17 years, two children, own home only last year we decided to get married. I can honestly say in all that time I'm probably the one who wanted to get married the most. FH was like your BIL 'we're as good as married, I'm totally committed to you and having a piece of paper does not change the way we feel about each other, but that does not mean one day we will not get round to it'.

If she knows she's loved and have a solid foundation then I think he could change his mind, but she need to seat him down and get out of him the deeper issue of why he does not want marriage ever, but I think one day he will change is mind, should she take that chance or leave? Not one of us can answer that but her. I do sincerely wish her luck.

Good luck to her.

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I think it's fine to 'play house' but if you are planning on having children, it is better to be married. IMO

It's up to her, but for me, I would not stay

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there are married people that 'play house' too. my point is just because a person gets married doesn't mean he's any more committed to a relationship than someone who wants to spend their life with another person but for whatever reason does not like marriage...

case in point...Jlo has been married 3 times already...'committed' to each one and we know where that went..

then there is Larry Mullen Jr.- the drummer from U2. he has been with the same woman, Ann, since they were 13 or 14 years old, they have four children together and are not married, yet their committment to each other is unshakeable.

people can be as committed or cavalier as they want to be.

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Posted by Beth1210

there are also legal advantages to being married- that's why Gay people are fighting for the right

you are protected from things under the law
in case or death or divorce

you have much more entitlement- for ex. if the house you live in is in only one person name - and they die- if you are married - it's your house- if you are not- you might be kicked out

same goes for divorce - lets say you 'play house' for years- cooking, cleaning- giving up your career etc for the sake of childern and family- now he leaves you- you are pretty screwed- b/c you are not married it's hard to get the support you dessrve

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I just want to add to this - legally there are 164 advantages to being married. (I am almost positive that is the number). During the last year with the gay marriage debate raging, that number (or something really really close) appeared in a court case. Marriage is in its purest basest form a contract, but it is a legally binding contract with certain rights attached to it, that you cannot get without it.

Marriage in the rest of the sense of the word is a committment of love and devotion, and so much more, that IMHO, if some guy said he wanted all the 'accessories' without the paper, I would tell him to take a hike.

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Posted by JessicaM.

I look at it a little differently I guess. I never really expected to get married when I was young...I never really wanted to.

I am with my FH because I want to enjoy and spend my life with HIM...if he didn't want to get married, but was COMMITTED to being with me, I would stay.

a marriage certificate does not always equal a stronger committment to the relationship.

BUT, only this girl can feel out where this is coming from....is she a 'good enough for now deal' or is she 'the ONE for the long haul' and he just has issues with marriage itself...

Good luck to her.

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Jessica, I was going to say the SAME exact thing, beginning to end.

No, Marriage matters to me.

Others don't care about but I do.

If I am good enough to have your kids I am good enough for you to commit to me and marry.

What is the phobia if he is willing to live like he is married and have kids?

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Posted by esb980

Okay, I am aware that to you it is more then a piece of paper, it is to me as well, what I mean is, after we're married, my feelings won't change. I will just be legally binded to him. My friends aunts are lesbians, and they have everything set up legally as if they were married. I'm saying, if FH said he didn't want to marry you and you left him, then aren't you saying that you could love someone else just as much as you love him? That you could leave him? What if FH decides he doesn't want kids after you're married? What would you do then? This is not coming out right, because I WOULD leave him, I am just having a bad day articulating what I am trying to say.

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When people get married, these are things that are generally discussed up front. Most people who marry before G-d (whether Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Muslim or otherwise) pledge to hold certain promises. If a man or a woman has a change of heart and can no longer keep that promise they madebefore G-d, IMO, it will not do the couple any good to stay together. It is perfectly FINE not to want to have children, but if one spouse wants and the other does not, then they are living a married life under false pretense. I would have to terminate the marriage in both a civil and religious way. ESPECIALLY in my faith when I promised to perpetuate my faith, I could not stay married to a man who broke his promise to me and to G-d.