XOXO

I think it stinks that she lied to you...however, I would not stop being friends with her or be mad at her because she chose to remain friends with this other person.

I don't talk to someone who I was VERY close to for many reasons- she was just NOT a nice person and did some horrible things- WeLL, I know that other friends still talk to her- I can't stop that. I don't need to...

Try not to be too mad and maybe just talk to her about why she lied about it...

hmmm, sorry this happened to you. I would probably ask the friend how her lunch was at such and such a place the other day?

When she says fine, or whatever, you can just say, 'You know, the one girl said bad things about me, and you said you were behind me and didn't agree. But now that you feel that it is fine to hang out with her, and I have no right to tell you who to hang out with, I feel as though I was betrayed twice. Just by you not being open with me that you still hang out with her. I don't feel comfortable not knowing whether you are BOTH saying bad things about me at this point. So i'd rather you not stand up for me because I am not able to know what you truly think about me at this point.'

but, that IS a hard call on what to do. Like I said, this is just what I would do. It will probably dissolve the relationship with your friend, and you run the risk of them BOTH talking to other co-workers behind your back. So you have to watch out for a lot of things going this route.

My immediate thought is that you had no right to ask/tell your friend who she could associate with. She is a big girl and can decide for herself who she will talk to, have lunch with and/or be friends with. It was immature of you to 'demand' she not be friends with someone you do not like.

That said, it was VERY wrong of her not to tell you what I just said and go behind your back and then lie to you about it.

IMO, you should not be mad the two people are friends, but you are justifiably angry about the lie. I would examine why I felt the need to dictate who my friends could be friends with, and then I would speak to the one friend and ask why she felt the need to lie. After that I would carefully examine everything and make a decision about asking her to step down.

I can understand you feeling hurt, but did she actually ever say she would STOP being friends with this other person?

Honestly, you can't dictate who your friends are friends with. Yes this girl may have said inappropriate things to offend you and yes your friend might agree with you, but that doesn't mean she wanted to stop being friends with the other one. And just because she continues to have lunch with her sometimes doesn't mean she is choosing her over you. Why can't she be friends with both of you, but separately?

I'm sorry you feel hurt and betrayed, but this entire thing seems very childish to me.

She's an adult and can associate with whomever she chooses. If you're seriously considering ending a friendship because she continues to associate with someone who said something bad about you, then either what the other person said was really that awful or you don't really like or trust your BM that much. I'm sure she didn't tell you about hanging out with the other person because either (1) it didn't come up (my friends don't know or keep track of who I hang out with) or (2) she didn't want to upset you -- which it obviously did... but she can be friends with whomever she chooses.

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Posted by cookieling

I think I will tell her this.... 'I know that you know how much socializing with this other girl hurts me. Unfortuantely, this puts you in the middle. Since it isn't fair of me to ask you to stop being friends with this other girl, I think it is best if you and I put our friendship on hold for now.'

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You're essentially giving your friend an ultimatum.

Seriously?

Wow. I'm sorry you're hurt, but this is seriously immature. If you don't want to be friends with her, then don't be friends with her... but I'm failing to see how making her choose is really your place. No matter how you're saying it, you're basically telling her 'If you continue to associate with her, we can't be friends.'

Either what the other girl said was so horrible and awful that no one in their right mind would hang out with her after that... or perhaps you're overreacting? I don't know which it was, but I'd never give my friends an ultimatum like that.
If what that other girl said was so bad and your friend still wants to hang out with her, then I'd think you'd not want to associate with either of them anyway, right?

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Posted by stephanielyse

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Posted by cookieling

I think I will tell her this.... 'I know that you know how much socializing with this other girl hurts me. Unfortuantely, this puts you in the middle. Since it isn't fair of me to ask you to stop being friends with this other girl, I think it is best if you and I put our friendship on hold for now.'

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You're willing to stop being friends with a good friend because she's friends with someone you don't like? Yeah, that other girl was a b!tch for saying stuff about you and your FH, but I think your BM is doing the right thing by being friends with each of you separately. Just because you want nothing to do with this girl doesn't mean that she should have to choose sides. It seems silly to put your 'friendship on hold' for that, but it's your life and your friendship.

ETA: I don't think that just because she is friends with you it means she is 'playing both sides.' When she is with that girl, it doesn't mean that she is trash talking you or your FH. They might (and probably do) have a difference of opinion on that, as your friend said that she agrees that the other girl was out of line, but maybe they are able to see that they disagree about the kind of person your FH is, but other than that they have a good friendship. She shouldn't have to end it because this girl doesn't like her friend's FH.

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ditto.

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Posted by MJDoc12

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Posted by stephanielyse

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Posted by cookieling

I think I will tell her this.... 'I know that you know how much socializing with this other girl hurts me. Unfortuantely, this puts you in the middle. Since it isn't fair of me to ask you to stop being friends with this other girl, I think it is best if you and I put our friendship on hold for now.'

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You're willing to stop being friends with a good friend because she's friends with someone you don't like? Yeah, that other girl was a b!tch for saying stuff about you and your FH, but I think your BM is doing the right thing by being friends with each of you separately. Just because you want nothing to do with this girl doesn't mean that she should have to choose sides. It seems silly to put your 'friendship on hold' for that, but it's your life and your friendship.

ETA: I don't think that just because she is friends with you it means she is 'playing both sides.' When she is with that girl, it doesn't mean that she is trash talking you or your FH. They might (and probably do) have a difference of opinion on that, as your friend said that she agrees that the other girl was out of line, but maybe they are able to see that they disagree about the kind of person your FH is, but other than that they have a good friendship. She shouldn't have to end it because this girl doesn't like her friend's FH.

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ditto.

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Yeah this is a sticky situation. You really can't ask someone to stop being friends with someone because they offended you, especially in a work situation. If this girl is truly your friend talk to her. You're allowed to be hurt, but not choose her friends. I hope your friendship survives this.