XOXO

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Posted by secretname

I called back the mom- she left me a rude msg on my voicemail saying she never expected for my mom n I to kick him out of the house...this is a lie...I was crying and he was yelling in my house on sun. Morn and my mom told him that if he planned on leaving to not come back bc he always does this...she also told him to think hard about his decision bc its not right for him to do as he pleases and she didn't want to see me crying all of the time bc of him. I told her everything...at first she was defending him and I told her fine then- we have nothing to spak about. I told her how I felt and all of the immature things ha has been doing and how he yells about EVERYTHING! She wanted me to go talk but I declined that offer. I told her its bw him and I and also that he didn't want to talk when given the chance. I also explained to her how it's not right for his parents to get involved since mine have not.

She said she wasn't aware of all the things he has been doing and she will talk to him and the father- I can not believe I'm dealing with this from someone who wanted so much to be a stand up guy.

She defended him way too much. Thanks for the advice again everyone- I don't know what I would do w/ myself these past few days!

I'm sure we'll speak in a few days. I don't see how we can patch things up bc my father is furious and I'm not going to go against my family even if my mind does change and I want to forgive him.

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Honestly, this is an issue between you and your FH. Everybody else needs to stay out of it bc its only making it worse. Your family and his family should not be getting this involved. When you two get married, if you do then you both have to realize that you are a family now and when you two have problems, you resolve it yourselves. Families getting involved and picking sides is just going to make the situation escalate and what happens if you and your FH resolve the problems, now problems amongst the families have been established and you will still have that to deal with.

I NEVER get my parents involved, whatever problems DH and I have, that is our problem and for us to resolve bc if we cant resolve our own problems then how can we make our marriage work, we are adults now and made the decision to get married and live our own lives so we have to learn how to handle it on our own. I also dont tell my parents problems DH and I have or if he does something to piss me off, I dont tell them something that will tarnish their image of him just bc i was in a moment of anger. You can forgive easier than your family can. Dh has a habit of talking about our fights and I do NOT like it. I think pre-cana did help a little bit bc even they said what I always said and he realized a little bit that hey maybe its not always the best decision. They told us in pre-cana, that now its us two and we have to stick together bc we are a family. They say we cant involve our families this way and theres a difference between talking to them and going to them for advice and also them getting involved where it causes even more problems. You both are adults now and have to learn how to resolve things on your own bc when you get married and move out you cant run to your parents for everything.

Also what you said that even if you can work things out with him and forgive him, you cant bc of your family. Its you marrying him, not your family. Now I do agree with marrying someone that is respectful to your family, Dh and my family get along great and that is a great bonus but at the end of the day, i have to live with him, i have to start a new life with him and it is him that will be there for me. I also feel like we are adults and dont need our parents to get in the middle of anything to solve our problems. Dh gets annoyed with me sometimes that I am TOO private but at the same time, he knows I have never done anything for parents to look at him any differently, i never did anything that can forever cause problems amongst the families.

you both have to learn how to cut those strings a little bit and realize that the decision of marriage is entering into something where you are the decision makers, and you are starting your own family. We are both very close to our families, we see both sets of parents all the time, they do give us advice with things and are very involved in our lives but theres also a fine line.

Sorry you are going through this. I read through most of your posts and the best information I can give you is to follow your gut. Dont think about anyone else but yourself! Your the only person that knows how you feel and how you want to be treated. Your parents are there for you and will support any decision you make , but you have to LIVE with your decision. Just be true to yourself and everything else will fall into place!
Good Luck!

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Posted by secretname

Thanks Espo- your absolutely right. - I have often read many of your posts here and I saw you telling someone you are romanian- we are too.

I HATE having parents involved in my business. I may live at home but I have always been my own person and hardly ask my parents for much. The wedding was something they offered to me- the expensive dress and all was my parents gift. My family is very americanized but they also keep a lot of the tradition too. I'm sure no matter what ethnicity one is they expect to be respected by their future son in law.

When 'FH' yells its a whiny 'omg, are you crazy to think that' kind of yell. Its not a manly 'I am old school man arghhh' yelling. Nonetheless, it's impossible to communicate. He knew he was wrong so therefore he went home and cried to mommy- and of course, instead of telling him to man up...she is trying to handle it and control the situation.

I'm not about regressing in life- I have friends family and a successful job and an education. I have the respect of everyone around me and i wasn't about to have her talk my mother and I down-which she did on my voicemail.

I wanted to let her know why I wasn't callling her back and why I wanted her to stay out of it. I had to explain everything that's been going on bc she thought I was overreacting.

Your right- only he and I know what happens in our relationship when all is said and done but there is something to be said about a man who gets irritated about every little thing. It was near to impossible to not let her know my side when after so much...she tried to make light of the situation telling me to 'loosen up' .

I totally totally agree-parents should NOT be involved but he disrespects me in front of my mother and father so- they are.

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I agree, if that was an isolated situation then I would say maybe he was having a bad day or something is bothering him. But if he always acts this way and doesn't know how to communicate then something is really wrong. My guess is going to simply be because he is a mama's boy and is a bit spoiled probably and still acts like a kid bc of how his mother treats him.

He really needs to learn that he can't go on acting this way and talking to you like this. Please dont take it wrong that i meant you should be disrespected in any way at all. I would never say that to anybody. Just not knowing the situation or how often it happens, its hard to know the whole story. His mother seems like she is trying to fight your fh's battles and she seems like she is just making things worse. I don't think you need to take BS from her and she needs to be told to mind her own business.

It seems like you have your life together, have a good head on your shoulders and like to deal with problems in a different way, and your FH unfortunately cant cut that cord and probably likes being a mama's boy and from how she is acting, you can tell she probably never taught him how to properly act. Some mothers only think about their kid and dont even think if their kid is right or wrong which i hate. My ex was like this, he would yell at me in front of everybody and say things he shouldn't and his mother would just sit there and not say a word, the moment I turned around and told him to shut up, she would turn to him and say 'dont let a woman ever speak to you that way and then said to put me in my place' I couldn't believe it and sadly alot of mothers are like this with their sons. And unfortunately I know alot of romanian mothers are like this with their sons and its horrible and disgusting, I hate that mentality. Its like the man is always right no matter what to them. Are they old school? if so then yeah i can see your problem

and yeah he is the wrong one for disrespecting you in front of your parents. He should NEVER do this, i mean joking around is one thing but to yell at you and say horrible things, he is just putting himself down in front of your parents. Sorry you are going through this, but sounds like he needs to mature a bit and learn how to communicate and speak to you. I am private but i would flip out on DH if he disrespected me in front of my family and the same goes vice versa.

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Posted by secretname

I didn't take it the wrong way at all. I totally get your point.
His mom is trying to fight his battle and make up what he is lacking prob bc she doesn't want to look as stupid as she already does in my eyes and my parents as well. She doesn't want to show what a bad mom she has been- its pretty obvious she's having an affair with a fam friend for yrs now n she hardly pays attention to anyone but herself.

Their not old school romos- I have more of that value than them. I llsten to the music and put him on to it. A lot of my friends my age are romanian-just guys and girls I grew up with. His parents are very self centered and live in the now-vacations, and shopping (frivolous spending). My father is a workhorse and lives for his family and having a beautiful clean home. They just recently started remodeling their house- lol she is competative too.

His father isn't really informed about much and stays out of it and keeps his mouth shut. She is the man of the house controlling the finances and her husband and son.

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hmmm she sounds like a real piece of work lol. I would just ignore her, she just seems to want the center of attention. She has nothing to do probably but dont buy into her selfish behavior, just let her be, which is probably hard though.

Yeah, most are competitive lol. Unfortunately in our culture it is about competiting with alot of people. My dad i can say is like that but my mom is the complete opposite. She doesnt care about material things at all and if you told her you drove a bentley she would just be like 'oh ok thats nice' and not impress her at all. I definitely see that ALOT within the community. WEll i grew up in astoria, but my parents of course had alot of friends in sunnyside and went out there alot. I never went well only for a baptism, wedding, and those type of events or my parents birthday. But it sometimes gets out of hand and its ridiculous lol. Its like can one person go out without a fur or without TONS of jewelry on to show off and not talk bs about everyone lol. I always heard all the drama and would laugh at it, even at this age they still all deal with so much drama lol. I dont think his mother will ever change, that seems to just be who she is. Be the bigger person and let her act like the fool bc in the end when she is acting like a fool and everybody sees youre the better person, they'll all just blame her

I'm sorry but please walk away now........

I've called off a wedding, I've lost all my deposits, and I promise you it was the best decision I ever made. Your parents would pay a million dollars to see you happy, the wedding expenses are nothing in the long run.

You deserve more. People very rarely change. Please take care of yourself and do whats best for you.

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Posted by secretname

She is such a piece of work and loves the spotlight and she says the most outrageous and ridiculous comments I have ever heard from anyone in my life. She is not the typical romo mom- a diff selfish snake species.

I am mad at him. Mostly though, my animosity is toward her and I can't brush it off anymore.

She lies to my face- even to her friends in front of me and about things she has done. No shame to her. I'm so angry now, beyond upset.

He's too immature and its clear as daylight where this stems from. I don't know anymore. I just don't know and what makes it worse is the longer he waits the worse it becomes.

A mutual friend of ours emailed me just now at work saying FH contacted him yesterday w/ ?s about a house we had an engineer inspect- is he that dumb?

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About the mom- I am wondering if since she likes the spotlight that she is fearing that you are taking it away from her. Or even another fear...that you are taking his son away? Just a thought.

hmmmmmmmmm-

that's strange!

I was wondering the same
hmmmmmmmmmmm

Me too???

i hope she's ok

sorry you have to go through this

like others have said, before making any big decisions so to speak, let this be YOUR time. Take this time to yourself to think & just clear your mind.