XOXO

hugs to you secret and to lost bride as well....my heart goes out to you both.....

i think maybe you rushed into things with this guy and now you are really getting to see 'his ways' KWIM? i know i dont know you or the whole background and situation of your relationship but you should be with someone who respects you....of course its ok to argue, fight, but that is different than having no respect - if i were in your shoes i would give things a break, sounds like this guy does not know respect for his future WIFE and i dont think things will get better when someone has that type of mentality - only worse....it could be a culture thing, im not sure how men in your culture treat their wives, i dont know what you are - but i know european men can be very different than they are here in america - i dont really know what to say or what advice to give, but i think you should give yourself some time....dont be with someone you arent 100% sure of, that doesnt make you 100% happy - dont worry about the wedding, the lost money, think about your future.....

---

Posted by secretname

He's not a cheater, he wants (wanted) to spend ev ery moment with me.

It's not that he doesn't love me either- he has cried like a baby last time I tried to break it off.

The problem is he's sooo immature and his parents have spoiled him (only child) and especially his mother. I think their influencing his actions- they went wild at my house on Thanksgiving. I can't imagine what my aunt and uncle talked about the next day!


His mom is very influential especially to him- she has raised him to be her man not his own man.

That's the problem and he doesn't see if that way and we are just not meeting eye to eye- I need a man- not a momma's boy.

---

i HATE to say this, but i dont think you should expect him to change - his relations with his mom will most likely never change and will only continue to cause problems down the line, immaturity, being spoiled, i wouldnt count on that changing either....i think its either you can deal with these things about him or you cant, kwim?

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I really hope everything works out for you.

I have a question. Was he always like this? When did he start to change?

I think that you need to do what is right for you. Follow your heart and your gut feeling. If there are problem now they will not go away after your married.

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I think that the other ladies on here have been giving you solid advice. Don't worry about the money you will lose over not having the wedding, that should be the last thing on your mind. My only piece of advice is DO NOT SETTLE. If he is disrespecting you now and you aren't even his wife, imagine what it could be like down the road when the newness had worn off! It may not seem like it now but there is a perfect guy for you out there. I didn't believe it and that is why I settled and had a horrible first marriage where all he did was lie and cheat on me. I got out of that as soon as I could and now I know what it is like to be treated right! I wish the same for you

---

Posted by secretname

Thanks everone, I feel a little better that I am able to talk about this and to know I'm not alone or even the only one to go through this- I feel so stupid.
Just on update- he still hasn't called but his mother calls! Hah- she called yesterday on my lunch break, then she called my house this a.m and my cellphone too!
For someone who wanted him all to herself she's mighty desperate to get in touch with me. I'm not picking up, when I tried to talk to his parents about how he was acting 2wks ago they hardly gave him a slap on the wrist. I have nothing to say to her. Let her deal w/ the monster she raised and hopefully he can find a beach like her to be happy with!

---

good luck and stay strong! has she left any voicemails?

I am so sorry you are going threw this. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out for you.

---

Posted by secretname

Thanks everone, I feel a little better that I am able to talk about this and to know I'm not alone or even the only one to go through this- I feel so stupid.
Just on update- he still hasn't called but his mother calls! Hah- she called yesterday on my lunch break, then she called my house this a.m and my cellphone too!
For someone who wanted him all to herself she's mighty desperate to get in touch with me. I'm not picking up, when I tried to talk to his parents about how he was acting 2wks ago they hardly gave him a slap on the wrist. I have nothing to say to her. Let her deal w/ the monster she raised and hopefully he can find a beach like her to be happy with!

---

I know you don't want to talk to her, but honestly, is it really mature/adult to keep avoiding the calls? You've already been the bigger person in trying to talk this out with him. Don't stoop to their level now by not confronting the other problem (his mother) head on. Answer her call, but be firm and be honest that you found their collective behavior to be disrespectful, hurtful, and uncalled for. Your family welcomed theirs into your home on Thanksgiving. They didn't have to come. But if they had any decency, they would have better behaved and not shown complete and utter disrespect for your family. If she calls you controlling, or whatever other bad term out there at you, tell her plainly, that this is between you and her son. If he wants to speak with you, he should call you. His mother shouldn't be calling for any other reason than to apologize.

Agree with the others...your FH is likely to not change for quite a while. He sounds incredibly immature and it's going to take him a long time to come around to be ready for marriage from what you are telling us.

I would hold off on canceling your vendors just yet. Wait until the next payment is due before doing that, but check your contracts NOW about what penalties there might be. If you end up canceling or postponing, find out what options you have for recouping your money (some halls will refund if someone else books your day/time). Further, if it were me, I would consider selling the e-ring and paying back my parents for the deposits. I would not want to burden them with something like that.

Good luck and know that we'll all keep you in our prayers.

Im soooo sorry you are going through this. But after what I read, its the best thing to call it off before its too late. You will meet someone better and live a happy life without going through the burden of what this guy/his family is putting you through.

---

Posted by secretname

Thank you- I just don't have any desire to see him. It's become a thing of hatred at this point. I can't imagine ever treating the person I love like this.

The sad thing is - he knows better. When his mother for out of line on Thanksgiving he was relentless in justifying what she said and really defended her. HE HAS NEVER DONE THIS FOR ME.

I can't believe how much I let slide...and still no respect for it. he only steps on me more. I'm so heartbroken and I feel like an idiot. After all my family and I have done for him.

He was really immature- using the fact that he 'just' got out of college for why he had no job- because of me pushing him he is now an account manager at a big company.
I'm beyond offended and everything else. I just don't understand why this happens to me. I'm a nice girl and honest and loyal- it's just so hard to go through this.

Other girls I know are married- husbands paid for half or all including a house and they cheat on them...and here I am I'm soooo good to him and try to make him better and he can't even meet me half way!

His argument is that I nag- I don't consider telling him to put his seatbelt on nagging. I feel like a P O S and useless.

---

If you are feeling this way now and he is acting so disrespectful to you now then it will only get worse. You are not useless!!!! A lot of men out there are good at making us feel that way but you don't have to put up with that and deserve better. End it now before you end up in a marriage that you hate and may even have a child.
I wish you the best of luck in the future and remember do NOT ever feel useless because you are a wonderful person.

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I'm sure it's immensly difficult for you and your family.

Have you tried to write him a letter? This way you can let him know how you really feel without having to see his face or hear his yelling voice. Just be careful with the words you use so he doens't feel like he is being attacked... because if he starts to feel that way he will automatically get defensive and hence the anger and yelling. And once it gets to that point its extraordinarily difficult to get through to that person. Like instead of saying You always do this.. or you did that... say I feel this way when .... take the focus off him and onto you and your feelings. Then you can end it with really letting him know this is the final straw and this relationship may really be over. Maybe the thought of losing you will really make him realize a few things.. and if it doesn't then perhaps he is too young and immature to even get married.

If things don't work out in the end... you should be glad that it all happened BEFORE you married this guy. If you are having these difficulties in just the preperation for marrige.. then imagine what living with this person day in and day out will be like???

No one deserves to be treated that way... I wish you all the luck in the world. And know that sometimes things happen for a reason... even the bad things can sometimes bring good into your life... you may not realize it in the moment... or even a week or a month from now... sometimes it takes years.. but everything in life has a ripple effect. Maybe there's someone better for you out there... and if you end up with this guy... you may not ever find that out.

Again, good luck and I'm sorry for all your troubles. If you need to ever talk you can FM me.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this...We are all here for you for whatever you need.
Dont worry about loosing deposits...thats the least of yoru concern right now.

Anytime there are situations like this, I always feel like there is just so much more to the story so its hard to say what exactly should be done.

The one thing I can say is that the two of you need to sit down calmly and talk about everything. When you are both upset and want to talk most times it doesn't work and you just end up fighting more. Wait until you both cool off a little bit and just say hey babe can we just talk about this. Explain how you are feeling without attacking, once a guy or anyone feels attacked they get defensive and the conversation goes nowhere.

Is he the type of guy that does joke around and likes to bust b*lls? I do that alot, not in a mean way though but just in a joking way and dh is the same way. We both joke around about similar things but i guess since we both do it we understand its just a joke and dont get upset. But you know better the nature of his jokes and if there was any truth to it and any hatered behind it. And I wouldn't go by what you said, that looking at our posts all of us had a great time with our dh/fh on thanksgiving and you didn't. Hey we all have our problems too at times, i am sure there were other girls on here who got mad at their fh/dh on thanksgiving and even those of us who did have a great time that day, have fights during other times of our relationship. I know dh and I have fights here and there. Sometimes when a relationship is new you do go through a stage where you don't fight so I think maybe you got used to that and now don't know how to react to a problem. That happened with DH and I. We used to never fight and everything was all great for a long time, then I remember when we had a huge fight the first time, I thought OMG what is going on and freaked out. The funny thing is that in my previous relationship my ex and I fought ALL the time so not like it was something out of the norm for me but it was with Dh, and for me since i had come from a past like that, to have things so perfect was something i had always hoped for and i guess i just didnt want that stage of the relationship to end. Now I got past that but it was hard at first when we did have a few fights. You just have to see if this is just a regular fight that happens in most relationships or if there is something more serious behind the fight. Is he trying to tell you something and using different methods to do it? He is frustrated with you about something and doesnt know how to communicate and just tell you upfront which is the best way bc you can work on that together, or is he keeping everything inside until it builds up and he blows up, which seems like what might've happened thanksgiving weekend.

I would focus just on the relationship and dont focus on the money issues about who is paying what or what they should be paying. The tradition in America is that the girls family pays for almost everything, but if you look at these boards you will see that most dont even follow that tradition anymore. Many couples on here pay for the whole wedding themselves, some get a little help from both sides, or get help just from one side. I dont feel that anybody is obligated to do anything, except the couple themselves who decided to get married. Especially now, with this economy it is so hard and with the cost of weddings now its hard to put that much obligation on our parents. They have bills and expenses just like us. I am also eastern european and tradition is that the guys family pays for most of it so I understand what you are saying about that, but I also realized that times are different now. I am an only child and my parents always took care of things, and were always comfortable financially but after I got engaged some unfortunate things happened and they couldn't help the way they wanted to, and it was fine with me bc i didnt expect it and understood. I took on alot of the responsibility financially, and all the things i wanted such as an expensive dress, videographer, dj, photographer and so on, i knew they were my wants so i paid for them. Sometimes traditions have to be ignored in many situations and looking more at what a person can actually do so dont focus on this part.

I can understand the mentality of an eastern european man, I grew up in a household like this. I think also understanding that mentality is why I never dated anybody from the same background. It's also why my mom never encouraged me to be with someone from the same background and infact said she thinks im better off not to lol. DH is Italian but he is very americanized well i shouldnt even say americanized he is american. He doesn't speak Italian and he considers himself American before he considers himself Italian. I also feel my beliefs are more american than the eastern european beliefs and to tell you the truth, I didnt feel i had much in common or can relate to somebody who lived an eastern european life. So for me I always dated those with different background bc I was more comfortable. And even alot of people I know feel the way you do, they did other backgrounds but in the end married somebody from the same background bc they felt they had more in common. You just have to realize they can be alot more stubborn and not open about their feelings. But youre gonna have to try.

I wouldn't even think about the wedding at this moment. Just focus on the relationship, the wedding is just one day but a marriage is forever and that should be the only focus. Find a way to talk to him and find out what is going on with him. Until you do this, I wouldnt make a decision about calling the wedding off or even going as planned. The decision about working things out or going your separate ways is more important.

Good luck and hope things work out

I know I’m a few days late to this thread, but I just read every single response and I feel compelled to respond…

Please don’t take this the wrong way because it isn’t meant to be negative in any way, but you both sound very young. Regardless of whether this relationship moves forward or ends, it might be the best thing for you get a better sense of yourself and gain a little independence (from your family as well as a bf/fiancé/husband). Learning about yourself might make these kinds of decisions a bit easier.

Second I wanted to say that I know what it’s like to be in a relationship where the parents (or mother, in my case) are too involved. I had an ex-bf whose mother was constantly sticking her nose into our lives. My ex and I lived together but his mom had her own key and was in our apt more than I was. He defended his mom to no end, but never me. Eventually I realized that I was never going to come before his mom and made the decision to get out. I never looked back and it was the best decision I ever made. A couple of years later I met my FH and realized how good a relationship can be. (Don’t get me wrong – we have our ups and downs, and we have our fights. It’s how you work through them that makes you a stronger couple.)

But, for the more pressing advice – Please do not cancel the wedding just yet. You made the decision to get married as a couple and you need to make the decision now about what to do now as a couple. Avoiding your fiancé (and his mother) is definitely not going to make the situation better or resolved. Talk to your fiancé (not his mom). Schedule a session of couples counseling – and if he won’t go with you, go without him. Talking it through with a neutral third-party might put some perspective on everything. At the very least, it will give you a bit of clarity in making the decision to move ahead with the wedding or cancel it. Also remember that the option exists to simply postpone it to 2010. You wouldn’t lose your deposits, but it would give you both time to mature, find yourselves, and grow stronger as a couple.

I’ve read over and over on these boards that “people don’t change” and “once a liar, always a liar.” I have to respectfully add a caveat to that – People don’t change, unless they want to change. If your fiancé is young and immature, he might just have some growing up to do. I’m not saying you have to stand by him while he does that, but there was something that made you want to marry him. If that’s still in you, you might want to stand by him while you two grow up together. Again, this leads me to my counseling and/or couples counseling recommendation.

And finally – please, please, please, please do not put yourself down and say you will never get married. This is ONE guy. One relationship. You might have to date 5, 10 or 50 men until you find “the one.” Just remember that from every relationship you learn something about yourself. You learn something about who and what you’re looking for in a partner. And you get one step closer to finding your prince charming. If your fiancé is not the one for you, then you just have to keep searching.

We are all here for you so please continue to post as long as you need to.