You are not going to believe this... need advice

Original post by bluegreen08

May 06, 2008 12:33 PM

This is complicated but I'll try to simplify it as much as I can. I'm on the younger side and many of my friends are still in grad school or new at their jobs. A friend just came to me for advice and I didn't really know what to tell her. I know what I would WANT to tell her but it's messy all around so I don't know what is really best

Friend has been working at her job for 3 years, and has OK money but isn't rolling in it by any means. Her younger bro came to her looking to borrow money --- $4k, and he said it was for something important. Friend knew her bro doesn't have much money and essentially agreed, and THEN asked what it was for. Apparently he was planning to propose to his gf, found out the ring he was planning to get her wasn't going to be 'enough' to meet her standards, and he 'needs' to get her a more expensive one, hence the loan from big sis. My friend is really upset and feels used, and doesn't want to loan him the money for this. However, she feels trapped because she already told him she would and is afraid that it's now out of her hands what he uses the money for.

This is so complicated all around and would probably have major repercussions on her relationship with her bro. However, if future fiance finds out that he borrowed some of the money from his sis who knows how that would play out. I'm afraid there are going to be bitter feelings bw friend and her bro either way now, no matter what she does.

Any thoughts on how to handle this?

Espo22 Posted: May 06, 2008 12:53 PM

Re: You are not going to believe this... need advice

Posted by bluegreen08

Posted by Espo22

Posted by bluegreen08

Posted by wifetobe

If she is SURE he can pay it back in a reasonable time i'd say lend him the money..If she doubts he will be able to pay it back..I would just tell him that while this is very important to him..she just can't swing it for something like this. And explain to him that if she doesn't like the ring...maybe he shouldn't be proposing.

In my opinion, if you are loaning to friends/family you shouldn't expect to ever see the money again. It's too messy to ever ask to get it back

if its $20-$100 or so i agree but otherwise if its $4k then yes they should pay back whether you are family or not.

Oh I agree that in theory they SHOULD, but I know a lot of times they dont... or they dont on time... and it's a lot harder to enforce things when it's family.

i am guessing that maybe people do feel that since its family they dont have to. My parents lent my aunt and uncle ALOT of money to get out of financial trouble they were in. I will NEVER understand how my parents lent that money to them and in the end my aunt and uncle didnt get out of the financial trouble they were in and they STILL havent paid it back. Not even like oh heres some of it, and here and there give them the money back and its been a while now. But also alot of ppl are not like my aunt to do that, it is horrible and don't know how they feel about doing such a thing. MOST cases though i'll say that ppl do pay it back. My mom has borrowed money and she will pay it back ASAP. But with my aunt and uncle for example, i told my parents that i could've told them ahead of time that this would happen i cant say that i am surprised. I know my dad just felt horrible about the situation his brother was in and thats why he did so but not a surprise at all

If your friends brother is asking for $4k and has no way really of paying it back then i understand. Maybe she needs to talk to her brother and ask him how long it will take him to pay her back or tell him to give her X amount from each paycheck. This is if she trusts her brother to do this, none of us can say what he will do bc we dont know him but your friend knows her brother best so she should know whether or not he will actually pay it back.

Mici n KC Posted: May 06, 2008 12:58 PM

Re: You are not going to believe this... need advice

Posted by Lacey08

This is my personal opinion. If you don't have enough money to buy a ring then maybe you shouldn't be getting married right now. There is nothing wrong with waiting and saving up.

I completely agree.

Bride908 Posted: May 06, 2008 01:02 PM

Re: You are not going to believe this... need advice

its her brother...she should be able to tell him her feelings on it honeslty.

Espo22 Posted: May 06, 2008 01:03 PM

Re: You are not going to believe this... need advice

the whole 'if he doesnt have enough money for the ring yet he shouldnt propose' i agree with. If anything she can talk to him about that. Is he ready to do this, because after you are engaged and plan a wedding he is going to need alot more money and will have to make sure he is financially ready for all this.

bluekat16 Posted: May 06, 2008 01:06 PM

Re: You are not going to believe this... need advice

I probably would lend my brother the $ but put him on a payment schedule. I did that with my own brother when I sold him my car. I did this because I know my brother cna be flaky with $$ and while I am family it's still a significant amount of $.

I think that he's borrowing $ for the ring that his gf wants is a bit ridiculous. I nice to express preferences to your boyfriend when ou are dating but they shouldn't be written in stone and accept what he can afford and is given with love.

If she feels uncomfrtable about lending him the $$ then she should just explin to him that she doesn't want to, and explain herself. now in terms of legality...would he sue her? When you were writing it you wrote is as a lawyer talking about a verbal contract between two individuals..but this is a brother and sister....so I wanted to know if your friend thinks he might sue her?

bluegreen08 Posted: May 06, 2008 01:08 PM

Re: You are not going to believe this... need advice

Posted by bluekat16

I probably would lend my brother the $ but put him on a payment schedule. I did that with my own brother when I sold him my car. I did this because I know my brother cna be flaky with $$ and while I am family it's still a significant amount of $.

I think that he's borrowing $ for the ring that his gf wants is a bit ridiculous. I nice to express preferences to your boyfriend when ou are dating but they shouldn't be written in stone and accept what he can afford and is given with love.

If she feels uncomfrtable about lending him the $$ then she should just explin to him that she doesn't want to, and explain herself. now in terms of legality...would he sue her? When you were writing it you wrote is as a lawyer talking about a verbal contract between two individuals..but this is a brother and sister....so I wanted to know if your friend thinks he might sue her?

I'll take the legal part out of my orig post. I meant that legally she would be under no obligation to keep her promise here, but she should still think about the impact that it would have on her relationship with her bro even if backing out would be 'legal'

bluekat16 Posted: May 06, 2008 01:37 PM

Re: You are not going to believe this... need advice

Posted by bluegreen08

Posted by bluekat16

I probably would lend my brother the $ but put him on a payment schedule. I did that with my own brother when I sold him my car. I did this because I know my brother cna be flaky with $$ and while I am family it's still a significant amount of $.

I think that he's borrowing $ for the ring that his gf wants is a bit ridiculous. I nice to express preferences to your boyfriend when ou are dating but they shouldn't be written in stone and accept what he can afford and is given with love.

If she feels uncomfrtable about lending him the $$ then she should just explin to him that she doesn't want to, and explain herself. now in terms of legality...would he sue her? When you were writing it you wrote is as a lawyer talking about a verbal contract between two individuals..but this is a brother and sister....so I wanted to know if your friend thinks he might sue her?

I'll take the legal part out of my orig post. I meant that legally she would be under no obligation to keep her promise here, but she should still think about the impact that it would have on her relationship with her bro even if backing out would be 'legal'

Ok...it just sounded like he might sue her.

It might affect their relationship. I just feel that with your sibling you should feel comfortable just being upfront..this is why I don't want to give you the money and these are my reasons why. I think there should be that kind of openess, epseically when $$ is invloved because it can cause a lot of drama in a family and even more distance if he were not to repay her.

Future Mulligan Posted: May 06, 2008 01:57 PM

Re: You are not going to believe this... need advice

Posted by Mici n KC

Posted by Lacey08

This is my personal opinion. If you don't have enough money to buy a ring then maybe you shouldn't be getting married right now. There is nothing wrong with waiting and saving up.

I completely agree.

i also agree 100% if you cant afford the ring how are you going to afford all the things that come after it? the wedding? a place to live? i would VERY upset if my FH borrowed money to buy me an engagement ring - i am proud that that he loves me so much and i love that he worked his a$$ off to buy me my engagement ring - it means so much to me - that ring is his blood, sweat and teares - it wouldnt mean as much to me if he bought it with someone else's money - id be pissed - i rather have a less expensive ring that he bought himself than a more expensive ring that he couldnt afford and asked someone to help pay for

EsquireBride Posted: May 06, 2008 01:59 PM

Re: You are not going to believe this... need advice

Something similar happened with a friend's brother and friend's mother. The brother has his own business, and it started to not do so well, so we went to the mom and asked for a $50K (yes, 50K!) loan to help it out (from his future inheritance money). So the mom gives it to him, thinking she is helping out his business, pay his employees and keep stuff afloat. Then a week later he proposed to his girlfriend with a ring that cost over $10K and took her on vacation! The mom of course got really upset because there was no way she would have given him the money if it was to buy a big ring and take the girl on vacation. it caused a lot of tension in the family.

Butterfly123 Posted: May 06, 2008 02:15 PM

Re: You are not going to believe this... need advice

Posted by EsquireBride

Something similar happened with a friend's brother and friend's mother. The brother has his own business, and it started to not do so well, so we went to the mom and asked for a $50K (yes, 50K!) loan to help it out (from his future inheritance money). So the mom gives it to him, thinking she is helping out his business, pay his employees and keep stuff afloat. Then a week later he proposed to his girlfriend with a ring that cost over $10K and took her on vacation! The mom of course got really upset because there was no way she would have given him the money if it was to buy a big ring and take the girl on vacation. it caused a lot of tension in the family.

WOW! His mom should marry her! Afterall she did buy the ring!