You are not going to believe this... need advice

This is complicated but I'll try to simplify it as much as I can. I'm on the younger side and many of my friends are still in grad school or new at their jobs. A friend just came to me for advice and I didn't really know what to tell her. I know what I would WANT to tell her but it's messy all around so I don't know what is really best

Friend has been working at her job for 3 years, and has OK money but isn't rolling in it by any means. Her younger bro came to her looking to borrow money --- $4k, and he said it was for something important. Friend knew her bro doesn't have much money and essentially agreed, and THEN asked what it was for. Apparently he was planning to propose to his gf, found out the ring he was planning to get her wasn't going to be 'enough' to meet her standards, and he 'needs' to get her a more expensive one, hence the loan from big sis. My friend is really upset and feels used, and doesn't want to loan him the money for this. However, she feels trapped because she already told him she would and is afraid that it's now out of her hands what he uses the money for.

This is so complicated all around and would probably have major repercussions on her relationship with her bro. However, if future fiance finds out that he borrowed some of the money from his sis who knows how that would play out. I'm afraid there are going to be bitter feelings bw friend and her bro either way now, no matter what she does.

Any thoughts on how to handle this?

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Posted by davenjess

i would honestly tell your friend to sit down and have a talk with her brother. she needs to explain to him that if he cannot afford on his own to get his gf the ring she wants, then maybe he needs to reconsider proposing. if she is the type to want a specific type of ring, this may be the first of many red flags...

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I agree, Jess!

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Posted by wifetobe

If she is SURE he can pay it back in a reasonable time i'd say lend him the money..If she doubts he will be able to pay it back..I would just tell him that while this is very important to him..she just can't swing it for something like this. And explain to him that if she doesn't like the ring...maybe he shouldn't be proposing.

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I agree

One question i am confused about, why does she feel used?

If she has the money to do this then i say just lend it to him. I mean if its not for drugs or for something illegal or bad then i would understand. Otherwise, it is so he can propose to his gf, and whether she is stuck up and wants something more expensive well thats the part not to get involved in. Her brother obviously loves her, so the best thing now is not to say i won't give you the money now bc of how your gf is it will just cause problems. Does she trust that her brother will pay her back soon? if so then in the end it will be his money that went towards the ring bc your friend will get her money back and who he chooses to marry is his business. Did the gf say she wanted a more expensive ring than he was planning to get? or is this something he is just assuming? Maybe its just how he personally feels, thinking oh i want to get her a bigger ring. IF the proposal is a surprise maybe he just assumes the ring he was going to get wont meet her standards. In the end even if she said something its a situation where you have to let him make his own decision.

If your friend feels that uncomfortable about it then maybe have her tell her brother that she thought she would have enough money to lend him but there are a couple of expenses she forgot about and she is sorry but she won't be able to lend him the 4k that she originally promised to.

Also the whole legal thing, they are brother and sister and it shouldn't matter or get to that point.

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Posted by wifetobe

If she is SURE he can pay it back in a reasonable time i'd say lend him the money..If she doubts he will be able to pay it back..I would just tell him that while this is very important to him..she just can't swing it for something like this. And explain to him that if she doesn't like the ring...maybe he shouldn't be proposing.

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In my opinion, if you are loaning to friends/family you shouldn't expect to ever see the money again. It's too messy to ever ask to get it back

wow your friend is definately caught between a rock & a hard place- on one hand she wants her brother to come to her if he needs help, but this is a little different.

I would have to say rescind the offer- the worst thing that you can do for someone is condone them living beyond their means.

just my opinion but if she wants such a big ring, maybe she should kick in for it.

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Posted by Espo22

One question i am confused about, why does she feel used?

If she has the money to do this then i say just lend it to him. I mean if its not for drugs or for something illegal or bad then i would understand. Otherwise, it is so he can propose to his gf, and whether she is stuck up and wants something more expensive well thats the part not to get involved in. Her brother obviously loves her, so the best thing now is not to say i won't give you the money now bc of how your gf is it will just cause problems. Does she trust that her brother will pay her back soon? if so then in the end it will be his money that went towards the ring bc your friend will get her money back and who he chooses to marry is his business. Did the gf say she wanted a more expensive ring than he was planning to get? or is this something he is just assuming? Maybe its just how he personally feels, thinking oh i want to get her a bigger ring. IF the proposal is a surprise maybe he just assumes the ring he was going to get wont meet her standards. In the end even if she said something its a situation where you have to let him make his own decision.

If your friend feels that uncomfortable about it then maybe have her tell her brother that she thought she would have enough money to lend him but there are a couple of expenses she forgot about and she is sorry but she won't be able to lend him the 4k that she originally promised to.

Also the whole legal thing, they are brother and sister and it shouldn't matter or get to that point.

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I dont know as many of the specific details, I will try to find out.

As for the legal side I was just saying that I'm pretty sure she isnt legally bound to her agreement to give him the money, but that it really isnt an issue of what is legal here, it's what kind of impact her decision would have on her relationship with her brother, and that it should be decided based on that.

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Posted by bluegreen08

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Posted by wifetobe

If she is SURE he can pay it back in a reasonable time i'd say lend him the money..If she doubts he will be able to pay it back..I would just tell him that while this is very important to him..she just can't swing it for something like this. And explain to him that if she doesn't like the ring...maybe he shouldn't be proposing.

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In my opinion, if you are loaning to friends/family you shouldn't expect to ever see the money again. It's too messy to ever ask to get it back

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I disagree - if someone 'borrows' money they should pay it back. I see nothing wrong with borrowing money to get a ring - I know this is tricky because she's kind of being stuck up about it, but its his business. If he pays her back, I don't see a problem.

if he is looking for a handout, that is a different story and I would not help him out.

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Posted by bluegreen08

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Posted by wifetobe

If she is SURE he can pay it back in a reasonable time i'd say lend him the money..If she doubts he will be able to pay it back..I would just tell him that while this is very important to him..she just can't swing it for something like this. And explain to him that if she doesn't like the ring...maybe he shouldn't be proposing.

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In my opinion, if you are loaning to friends/family you shouldn't expect to ever see the money again. It's too messy to ever ask to get it back

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if its $20-$100 or so i agree but otherwise if its $4k then yes they should pay back whether you are family or not.

I would loan him the money. If he can't afford a ring to propose to his gf how can he afford to get married? Also if she has problems with the ring he has chosen and wants a bigger and better ring that is selfish and greedy!!! Ooooooo I hate people like that!!!

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by bluegreen08

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Posted by wifetobe

If she is SURE he can pay it back in a reasonable time i'd say lend him the money..If she doubts he will be able to pay it back..I would just tell him that while this is very important to him..she just can't swing it for something like this. And explain to him that if she doesn't like the ring...maybe he shouldn't be proposing.

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In my opinion, if you are loaning to friends/family you shouldn't expect to ever see the money again. It's too messy to ever ask to get it back

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if its $20-$100 or so i agree but otherwise if its $4k then yes they should pay back whether you are family or not.

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Oh I agree that in theory they SHOULD, but I know a lot of times they dont... or they dont on time... and it's a lot harder to enforce things when it's family.

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Posted by bluegreen08

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by bluegreen08

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Posted by wifetobe

If she is SURE he can pay it back in a reasonable time i'd say lend him the money..If she doubts he will be able to pay it back..I would just tell him that while this is very important to him..she just can't swing it for something like this. And explain to him that if she doesn't like the ring...maybe he shouldn't be proposing.

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In my opinion, if you are loaning to friends/family you shouldn't expect to ever see the money again. It's too messy to ever ask to get it back

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if its $20-$100 or so i agree but otherwise if its $4k then yes they should pay back whether you are family or not.

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Oh I agree that in theory they SHOULD, but I know a lot of times they dont... or they dont on time... and it's a lot harder to enforce things when it's family.

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I agree. Lending out large sums of money especially to family can definitely doom relationships.

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Posted by MrsHtobe

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Posted by bluegreen08

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Posted by wifetobe

If she is SURE he can pay it back in a reasonable time i'd say lend him the money..If she doubts he will be able to pay it back..I would just tell him that while this is very important to him..she just can't swing it for something like this. And explain to him that if she doesn't like the ring...maybe he shouldn't be proposing.

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In my opinion, if you are loaning to friends/family you shouldn't expect to ever see the money again. It's too messy to ever ask to get it back

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I disagree - if someone 'borrows' money they should pay it back. I see nothing wrong with borrowing money to get a ring - I know this is tricky because she's kind of being stuck up about it, but its his business. If he pays her back, I don't see a problem.

if he is looking for a handout, that is a different story and I would not help him out.

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i agree. I also see nothing wrong with borrowing money if you plan to pay it back. If i lent someone $100 maybe i wouldnt look so quickly to get my money back but if i lent someone $4k then that is a different story and that gets paid back. I also agree that unfortunately it is his business, whether or not she likes how this girl is acting you dont get involved with that unless she sees her brother is being treated badly and hurt then thats different. We want always like someone elses SO but in the end its their choice who they end up with. If he pays her back and have your friend ask for a time frame or set up a payment plan with him, but if he pays back then it is his choice how he spends that money. Unless its for something illegal.

I personally would want to rescind it but another side of me thinks, who is she to judge what he considers important if he needs the money badly enough to ask for it.

I dont know...

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Posted by bluegreen08

I personally would want to rescind it but another side of me thinks, who is she to judge what he considers important if he needs the money badly enough to ask for it.

I dont know...

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Its hard.

I would suggest to her just to make it very clear that it is a LOAN. not a donation.

I would give him the money but not let him slide on it. Tell her to get some collateral lol (kidding)