Your advice

Well here goes, hope it's not too long.

I told my friend months ago about my weddding date and she always said she would come and had said this for years. Anyway, later on my birthday I sent her a text to say thank you for my card and present. She then sent me a very long text explaining how she couldn't come because of the cost for staying over one night and travelling and couldn't possibly drive the 2 and a half hours to where I live to get there (seems she's incapable even though she has a sports car and spends lots on it and lots of money on herself for that matter) She's one of those people who always pleads poverty and can't understand where her money has gone. Anyone would think she didn't have a job. I had already asked her partner previously if he would like to come and she said 'weddings aren't his thing'. Fine!

She told me in the text that she had sent me an email a week before regarding all of this, to which I said I hadn't received, which I rightly hadn't and never did. Maybe she doesn't want to pay for a phonecall. Then she told me she had rung the venue, which I had specifically told her not to do and said they had told her there were no rooms for her to book. This is something we had told the venue to provisionally do. She must have forgotten to say she was one of the guests!!! I told her not to phone anyway because we were still in the middle of sorting things out with the venue, grr! I shouldn't have told her. Well she said 'maybe you should rethink where you have your venue because the rest of your guests might struggle'. Like we'd book a hotel that had no rooms for the night!!! Are we idiots!! I didn't like the way this came across either in a text!

By the end of all this I was irritated and told her 'I'm sure you will find somewhere for your unfortunate budget' I just got sooo annoyed with the whole way she had handled this with me. After a few days I sent her a text to say that she was my oldest friend and would love her to be there and I'll sort something out. I received no reply. She's texted me twice since and the latter to ask me sarcastically if I have been away on holiday, as I didn't reply to her non-wedding texts.

I sent her an invite a few days ago. Will be interesting to see what happens. I feel she wants me to pay for her. Would you say she's a very good friend? What would you do?

I learned a lot while planning my wedding. If people come up with half a$$ed excuses why they can't go to your wedding, then they aren't worth your time. You can stress yourself out trying to convince these people to come to your wedding or you can accept that they just don't want to be there. You can't let it hurt you. People that I thought were my 'best friends' didn't make it and on the day of my wedding, I didn't even miss them. Instead, I appreciated the effort that my TRUE friends made to be there.

I hope it works out for you but I wouldn't waste much more time with trying to convince her that your wedding is worth her time. It sounds like her mind is already made up. Now make up your mind to simply not care.

Just what I thought superkat.

I deliberated for hours as to whether I should send her an invite after what she said, it's created ill feeling. I asked my family what they thought. They all thought it was out of order, but said send her an invite, she may change her mind. She can't then turn it around to her convenience and say I never invited her anyway or she would have come.

It's true your wedding really does help you to see who your real friends are.

Thanks for the hugs!

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Posted by superkat

I learned a lot while planning my wedding. If people come up with half a$$ed excuses why they can't go to your wedding, then they aren't worth your time. You can stress yourself out trying to convince these people to come to your wedding or you can accept that they just don't want to be there. You can't let it hurt you. People that I thought were my 'best friends' didn't make it and on the day of my wedding, I didn't even miss them. Instead, I appreciated the effort that my TRUE friends made to be there.

I hope it works out for you but I wouldn't waste much more time with trying to convince her that your wedding is worth her time. It sounds like her mind is already made up. Now make up your mind to simply not care.

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Well said... I agree

Thanks, you're all making me feel a lot better

Well received her written reply and she's not coming. She put in a sickening message
'Thank you for thinking of me'

Of course I was thinking of you, b***h for a start you said you'd come and I thought we were best of friends. She's someone I always thought would be at my wedding. What is her problem??!!

I know I will calm down

i agree that when it comes to your wedding you really do find out who really cares to make an effort to be there for you and support you.

i do think that conversations like this should happen in person (when possible) or on the phone. not in through text messaging or email. its so impersonal and so many statements can be misunderstood when you don't actually hear the person saying them.

good luck!

Wedings bring out the worst in people, especially self-absorbed friends. My first MOH who I had to kick out, was JUST like this. She was coming to the wdding BUT you would think SHE was getting married! NEVER called me to do anything, always had an excuse of why she couldn't order her dress (which btw, she fought me every step of the way saying she would look 'flat'. She's a frickin model. ***!) When I'd say i really needed her help, she had to 'see if I can fit you into my schedule.' ***!!!!!!!!

Long story short, we had a falling out we never got back from after she said me DIYing stuff would make my wedding look liek 'ghetto homes.'She called me at 12am and I ignored her because was so livid an I get hot quick-wanted to calm first. She NEVER called back...MONTHS went by and then suddenly she texts me again saying she needs my list for the bridal shower! I was like WHAT? After not contacting me for 4 months you THINk you are in the wedding? Her response 'I don't kiss anyone's A$$. If you wanted to talk to me should have picked up the phone that night. I have too much to do to chase anyone and you know that.'

So she was kicked out. And after speaking to her mom who called me to complain (DRAMA) we never spoke again. The point of this long retelling is that people will not change. I had to come to terms with that and once i did, i realised my friend and I really had nothing in common anymore but had maintained our relationship out of habit and we really needed to let go of one another. I am not saying this is the acse with you, but if your friend was always self-absorbed, she will always be that way and you can either suck it up and take her for what she is that situation for what it is, or write her off. But expecting her to change what seems to be her MO, is like asking it not to rain.

You know what Petey's Bride you are spot on it's scary.

I have always listened to her and her little woes all throughout my life. The rest of our friends got sooo fed up with her they gave up years ago. I carried on and ****** it up as you say for a long time. What's happened this time has taken the biscuit and is too personal for me.

What you say rings true in the sense that when she gave her reasons for not coming in the text one of them was that she was panicking where her suitcase would go at the venue and how she'd get it there. Jeez!! you hit the nail on the head. Anyone would think she was getting married.

Another thing my Grandma died late last year and I got another text of condolence!!! I let this ride. Yet for weeks before she had been ringing me and ringing me to talk about her job and how she was having a hard time. I'd listen to this every time because I thought that was what good friends did!! What a waste of time all for her selfish part.

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Posted by superkat

I learned a lot while planning my wedding. If people come up with half a$$ed excuses why they can't go to your wedding, then they aren't worth your time. You can stress yourself out trying to convince these people to come to your wedding or you can accept that they just don't want to be there. You can't let it hurt you. People that I thought were my 'best friends' didn't make it and on the day of my wedding, I didn't even miss them. Instead, I appreciated the effort that my TRUE friends made to be there.

I hope it works out for you but I wouldn't waste much more time with trying to convince her that your wedding is worth her time. It sounds like her mind is already made up. Now make up your mind to simply not care.

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I second that - well said.

Send this girl an invite and let her make up her own mind whether or not to attend. Sometimes friendships do die out. It is a sad thing to see, but sometimes it is for the better.

Enjoy the guests that do show up to share in your special day.