Wedding Forums > For Newlyweds Only > I'm embarrassed..
I'm embarrassed..
hearts
Posted: Nov 13, 2004 12:07 PM+
Posted: Nov 13, 2004 12:07 PM
I'm embarrassed..
I have been reading a lot of comments lately about guests not giving gifts. I want to openly admit that I, too, have committed such a crime!Here is my story: I became great friends with someone when I moved to NY. She had a very closeknit Italian family, with a lot of younger family members our age/slightly older. Her brother got married. They had the engagement party, the bridal shower, the works before the wedding, to which I attended and gave very handsome gifts to. I was just 18 at the time and did not have a job. Well, I attended the wedding and could not afford a gift, so I didn't bring one. I just felt that I had given them so much before the wedding that giving them even more was ridiculous, especially when they had never gotten me anything before (er, well, they gave me twizzlers for Christmas because I used to love them.) You know, it's not like I went with 10k in my account and didn't give them anything. I truly had no money. I did however, take really lovely pictures and put them in an album for them after the wedding. They never sent me a thank you card, though, and it made me feel really $hitty.
I honestly feel like if you are just having a party to get gifts, you shouldn't be having a party at all.
I just wanted to offer my side of the non-giftgivers story. There are reasons why people can't give money, and I don't buy that they just shouldn't show up to the wedding. Think about what role people have played in your life BEFORE your wedding...and not just the gift they gave on your wedding. Don't punish people with not sending a TY, that's just plain spiteful!
Xelindrya
Posted: Nov 13, 2004 12:28 PM+
Posted: Nov 13, 2004 12:28 PM
Re: I'm embarrassed..
*applaud*
Valentinegirl
Posted: Nov 13, 2004 01:01 PM+
Posted: Nov 13, 2004 01:01 PM
Re: I'm embarrassed..
That was a great post.
RedHead
Posted: Nov 13, 2004 01:16 PM+
Posted: Nov 13, 2004 01:16 PM
Re: I'm embarrassed..
Posted by hearts
I just felt that I had given them so much before the wedding that giving them even more was ridiculous, especially when they had never gotten me anything before (er, well, they gave me twizzlers for Christmas because I used to love them.)
1. Ok i would totally understand that someone didn't have money to give...My BM spent a lot of time and money coming to my wedding (she is from LV). She didn't buy me a bridal shower gift nor a wedding gift.. IMO her coming was the gift i really wanted!
2. BUT i think the comment above is silly. To say you thought that you gave enough already, giving more is ridiculous, the fact that you never got anything yourself...Well that isn't sit right with me either. Makes me think you just didn't want to give a gift...ie.. cause you did so much already.
There are reasons why people can't give money, and I don't buy that they just shouldn't show up to the wedding. Think about what role people have played in your life BEFORE your wedding...and not just the gift they gave on your wedding. Don't punish people with not sending a TY, that's just plain spiteful!
I agree with this...
swags1016
Posted: Nov 13, 2004 02:15 PM+
Posted: Nov 13, 2004 02:15 PM
Re: I'm embarrassed..
I would have no problem if someone didn't give us a gift because they had no money. I don't even have an issue with the amount of a gift, after all it is the thought that counts right. My BIL gave us $50, for him that was a lot. I appreciated that more than you know. He even showed up to the wedding and that made my DH even happier. The one person that 'stiffed' us did it with a blank card. He took the time to buy a card, couldn't even bother to write his name or ours in it. If he had done that I don't think I would be pissed but the fact that he went through the trouble of getting a card, and being as lazy as that to not even sign it my DH (it's his friend) is pissed and I think he has every right to be.
Jmg11
Posted: Nov 13, 2004 05:32 PM+
Re: I'm embarrassed..
I think the point is - it is not the gift,but the thought that counts.Giving the bride and groom pictures of their wedding WAS a very thoughtful gift.
It is horrifying that they didn't send you a thank you card.
hearts
Posted: Nov 13, 2004 06:34 PM+
Posted: Nov 13, 2004 06:34 PM
Re: I'm embarrassed..
Posted by oct.2004bride
2. BUT i think the comment above is silly. To say you thought that you gave enough already, giving more is ridiculous, the fact that you never got anything yourself...Well that isn't sit right with me either. Makes me think you just didn't want to give a gift...ie.. cause you did so much already.
QUOTE]
I think I worded that improperly. What I meant to say was that I had gone to various events thrown by them and I always gave gifts, substantial gifts..birthdays, when they had parties i always brought food/alcohol etc. When it was my birthday they seriously gave me a 5lb bag of Twizzlers..no, seriously. SO, yes, I felt I contributed enough financially to them already.
hearts
Posted: Nov 13, 2004 06:36 PM+
Posted: Nov 13, 2004 06:36 PM
Re: I'm embarrassed..
Posted by swags1016
I would have no problem if someone didn't give us a gift because they had no money. I don't even have an issue with the amount of a gift, after all it is the thought that counts right. My BIL gave us $50, for him that was a lot. I appreciated that more than you know. He even showed up to the wedding and that made my DH even happier. The one person that 'stiffed' us did it with a blank card. He took the time to buy a card, couldn't even bother to write his name or ours in it. If he had done that I don't think I would be pissed but the fact that he went through the trouble of getting a card, and being as lazy as that to not even sign it my DH (it's his friend) is pissed and I think he has every right to be.
I agree with this..I would never give a card and not sign it. You should send them a TY card that is blank..LOL
akaMrsT
Posted: Nov 14, 2004 10:58 AM+
Posted: Nov 14, 2004 10:58 AM
Re: I'm embarrassed..
Posted by Jmg11
I think the point is - it is not the gift,but the thought that counts.
Giving the bride and groom pictures of their wedding WAS a very thoughtful gift.
It is horrifying that they didn't send you a thank you card.
I've been to several weddings over the last few years with check in hand or I sent a gift from the registry. I even flew to one wedding in VA during the NY bar review course in 1999.
I only got one thank you card and that was from a September 2004 wedding.
My step sister who keeps telling me who to use for our wedding vendors never sent a thank you card for the china set I bought from her registry. However, she told me last week that she took almost all of the gifts she received back since they moved to a smaller place and had no room for the gifts.
I don't even expect thank you cards at this point. I do plan to send them though - to everyone who attends whether or not they send/bring a gift (even though they have 1 year to send something).
Sonicstef
Posted: Nov 14, 2004 01:31 PM+
Posted: Nov 14, 2004 01:31 PM
Re: I'm embarrassed..
Its not the gifts..its the acknowlegement. Even the most destitute person can put a handwritten note in an envelope and wish us well.You sound like you did give this couple more than enough before and after the wedding...and they absolultely should have thanked you properly.
But there are plenty of people who go to weddings to enjoy the food and drink and think its too much trouble to write out a note of congratulations to the couple. That is where its wrong. It has nothing to do with a gift..its the acknowlegemnt.
christy
Posted: Nov 14, 2004 02:07 PM+
Posted: Nov 14, 2004 02:07 PM
Re: I'm embarrassed..
Posted by Sonicstef
Its not the gifts..its the acknowlegement. Even the most destitute person can put a handwritten note in an envelope and wish us well.
You sound like you did give this couple more than enough before and after the wedding...and they absolultely should have thanked you properly.
But there are plenty of people who go to weddings to enjoy the food and drink and think its too much trouble to write out a note of congratulations to the couple. That is where its wrong. It has nothing to do with a gift..its the acknowlegemnt.
THANK YOU STEF!!!!!! This was exactly my point. I had to delete it because some people I mentioned may have read this. But thanks for saying it perfectly!
SeptWed
Posted: Nov 14, 2004 08:06 PM+
Posted: Nov 14, 2004 08:06 PM
Re: I'm embarrassed..
Posted by hearts
I just felt that I had given them so much before the wedding that giving them even more was ridiculous, especially when they had never gotten me anything before (er, well, they gave me twizzlers for Christmas because I used to love them.) You know, it's not like I went with 10k in my account and didn't give them anything.
I honestly feel like if you are just having a party to get gifts, you shouldn't be having a party at all.
I not just the gift they gave on your wedding. Don't punish people with not sending a TY, that's just plain spiteful!
I totally disagree with you in everyone of these comments. It sounds spiteful to me to say they never gave me a gift so why should I give them a gift. I am sure they understood you did not have any money at that time, but a card and maybe $25 would of been fine or even a card. You sound like you only give to people what you feel they give to you. If you were that upset that they didn't give you anything I would of not gone to there wedding.
I did not have my wedding to get gifts. However, I thanked my guests for spending the day with us by way of favor, free food and drink. A thank you in my opinion is if you take the time to send us at the very least a card to congratulate us.
And I am not sending thank yous to people who did not give us a card not because I am spiteful, but a thank you to me is for a gift not attending a party. Do you send thank you's for people who come to a get together at your house for a party..no, you send a TY if you receive a gift.
And its fine to me if people want to send TY's to people who didn't get them a card or gift...however, I think you have no right to say that I am spiteful because someone did not get me a gift. You sound like you still feel spiteful for not getting a TY from your friend.
keohime
Posted: Nov 15, 2004 05:04 PM+
Posted: Nov 15, 2004 05:04 PM
Re: I'm embarrassed..
This is in a way an odd situation, isn't it?Traditionally, etiquette dictates that guests who attend at party write a thank you note to the host for the good time (and free food, etc.)
So, logically wouln't we - as the brides - not have to write them a thank you merely for coming? This is not, of course, to imply that I was not grateful for and delighted with the presence of my guests (to say nothing of their presents!) - just that it seems like a strange role reversal.
We are sending (very late) notes to those people who sent or brought gifts but not to those who did not, whether they came or not.
Happily, we actually did have a couple of people who wrote us notes to thank us for the good time they had.
THEY are definetly going on the holiday card list!
SeptemberBride03
Posted: Nov 15, 2004 05:27 PM+
Posted: Nov 15, 2004 05:27 PM
Re: I'm embarrassed..
We sent thank you's to everyone, even if they did not give a gift.
Robinella
Posted: Nov 15, 2004 05:43 PM+
Posted: Nov 15, 2004 05:43 PM
Re: I'm embarrassed..
aww they should have sent you a thank you card..that is crappy of them to do!
ambersmom
Posted: Nov 16, 2004 10:13 AM+
Posted: Nov 16, 2004 10:13 AM
Re: I'm embarrassed..
I have to admit, I didn't send a ty to one of my wedding goers, just because of the sleazy person he is. He comes to every party emtpy handed, mooches off of everyone he can, etc. He has no money and we all know that but it's not our place or our problem to continually provide for someone who won't help themselves (well, in his case he has no problem 'helping himself'). Knowing this, we invited him out of courtesy because all of the friends in our group were coming. He had the nerve to call me at 11:30 the night before the wedding, tell me he was coming but he wasn't bringing a gift (had no $$$) and that I should rethink marrying my husband because I should have been w/him!!
He also told me he was thinking of disrupting the wedding just to get my attention!!! I promptly hung up on him! He showed up anyway, drank and ate his heart out (thankfully no scene) but I was so pissed, I threw out his $1.99 card and did not send him a ty. Can you believe he had the ball$ to bring it to my attention that everyone else got one but he didn't?!? And that we didn't acknowledge his card!! F your card!!
jozieb0925
Posted: Nov 16, 2004 11:14 AM+
Posted: Nov 16, 2004 11:14 AM
Re: I'm embarrassed..
I am sending TY's to everyone. There was one girl who never gave me a gift which is fine. But, it would have been nice for a card. I think she could have afforded that.
RobNette
Posted: Nov 16, 2004 11:26 AM+
Posted: Nov 16, 2004 11:26 AM
Re: I'm embarrassed..
I completely understand...and aggree. There is also another point to be remembered as well: It is wedding etiquette to give/recieve wedding gifts for one year before and/or after the wedding event itself. If you forget or can't afford a gift, you can always send the gift later.
We had one or two non-givers at our wedding, who were not at other events and had not given us anything prior. If they had given us an album like you had given, we would have accepted THAT as a gift! That is reallly thoughtful, and I know how much time and effort goes into those things!
Some of our guests who traveled long distances gave generous gifts, where nothing at all would have been okay...since they spent so much money to be there sharing the day with us.
It's relative, and you don't have a wedding just for gifts. It is to share the day with people. I am a 'thought counts' person, so for me, I am more offended when there is no card. I have two bride's maids who never gave us a card...one hasn't given a gift yet either...but she has serious $$ issues...and traveled from CA for the wedding and paid her portion of the dress and all.
weddings can suck for guests financially!
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