with my grandmother telling my guests that they are allowed to bring a date - when they weren't invited with one???
Here's the story (sorta long - but I'll try to make it short):
FH and I wanted to keep our wedding 'small' so we contracted a room that holds no more than 195 people (210 pushing it)...
So what we did was considering that my FH and I have a TON of cousins who range btwn 18 and 33 - all neither married, nor engaged, nor in a relationship - we did not invite them with a guest - the basic rule (for us) was if they are not married, engaged or in a LONG relationship, we can't include guests... W/O their guests included we were at 193 invited... (again, WITHOUT '& guests' included). If we were to include the '& guests' it would be 240 people...
At this point, financially, with our list we are praying that 45 people say no - so we don't go over our contracted min. of 150... (BTW: FH and I are paying for entire wedding)
So fast forward to two weeks ago - I send out the invites to everyone... My cousins (who are 21 and 18) are dating girls who are 19 and 16 respectively... The older cousin b*tches to my g'ma that it's unfair that his and his brother's g/fs weren't invited. (SIDE NOTE - they're lucky to be invited... with the cr@p they've pulled on my family... another story). My g'ma calls me and freaks out on me telling me that I'm being selfish and rude not to invite them with guests - that they've been going 'steady' with these girls for a couple of months (MONTHS!!! not years!!!)
She continues to tell me that SHE told my cousins that everything will be fine that SHE'S allowing them to bring their g/fs and they just need to call me to tell me that they're bringing them!!! OMG - She's now taking it upon herself to invite additional people.
So, last night my cuz calls me all sweet-as-pie () and buttering me up to tell me that he wants to know why he and his brother weren't invited with their g/f (the B@LLZ on that kid!!!)... so I calmly explained the situation (no one was invited with guests b/c of room and finances)... his response... 'Nanny told me that it's OK to bring our g/fs'...not even listening!!!
I find out this AM that my uncle (not the father of those cousins) got involved and flipped on my other uncle (the father) and my g'ma and told them to stay out of this - that it's not THEIR day and to respect us... to no avail - guess who calls me this AM... my g'ma... b*tchin' me out AGAIN!!!
So before this gets any longer - and I get more p*ssed: WHAT DO I DO!?
laural2979
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Re: How do I deal...
Tell them that they either come alone or they shouldn't come at all. Really, it sounds like you don't really want them there anyway.
soon2BMrsDee
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Re: How do I deal...
You're absolutely right... the problem is, I had to invite them since they are my mom's brother's kids... (really for my g'ma's sake)
luna bride x
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Re: How do I deal... LONG VENT - SORRY!!
oh my god
i would tell them all that it is what it is.. take it or leave it. good luck!!!
Mich0621
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Re: How do I deal... LONG VENT - SORRY!!
Just put grandma in her place...explain that according to etiquette, you are not required to invite people with their girlfriends or boyfriends, and due to NYS fire codes, your room cannot hold extra people. If not, tell her politely that she will have to pay for the extras because you don't physically have the money..Sorry you are going through this!
Bridey Bride
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Re: How do I deal... LONG VENT - SORRY!!
Wow -that's horrible!!! I would ask your grandma to please respect your wishes- that you are paying for the wedding and this is the decision that you and your FH made and she needs to honor that.
cookiemonster
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Re: How do I deal... LONG VENT - SORRY!!
Basically the rule I followed was quite similar to yours - if they weren't married, engaged, living with someone, or in a long-term serious relationship where I had met the person, they were invited with a guest. The only exceptions were a few friends who I didn't think would know that many people and might not have any fun if they were there alone. Like you, if I gave everyone the +1 option, I'd be broke. So since it sounds like your cousins all know each other, they can s*ck it up and just hang out with their family for one day. This should totally not be your problem!! Can you ask your mom or an uncle or something to intervene so you don't have to deal with this?
SusiBtoM
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Re: How do I deal... LONG VENT - SORRY!!
Just talk to your grandmother and explain that there is no room to invite your cousins with guests, dn you don't have it in your budget to include the extra guests.
Just be upfront with her, don't go thru other family members.
How grown up of your cousins to go to grandma to complain. They knew that she would say yes. Would their mom have said yes ?
davenjess
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Re: How do I deal... LONG VENT - SORRY!!
I would have a chat with your grandmother and explain the financial aspect of things. Explain to her the amount of money this whole thing is costing and that you would be more than happy to have everyone in the world come, but because you're doing this alone, you can't.
I'd call each cousin personally(that was told my grandma that it's okay) and explain to them that one day they are going to get married and maybe then they'll understand how much it all costs. They have to realize that to come means to come alone..
We had a similar issue with my FMIL inviting friends that my FH hasn't even met. When we sat her down and told her that her guest list was too long, she freaked, telling us that my parents probably gave me a list. When I yelled at her that my parents are prepared to fork out the money for their friends if we are having a financial problem towards the end - she shut RIGHT up....
little34
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Re: How do I deal... LONG VENT - SORRY!!
OH MAN!!! We decided to do the same thing you attempted to do...if your not engaged, married, living together or in a LONG term relationship, you are not bringing guests....I would call them up and explain why they can't come and explain it to you grandma.... the room you have can not accomodate that many people...UNREAL!!!!!
weddingbunny
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Re: How do I deal... LONG VENT - SORRY!!
seems like you've already tried to be nice and explain things, and it didn't work, so I think now it's time to be blunt.
I know it's really hard to be firm with family sometimes, but I think you need to just say 'look, I already explained to you that we can't accommodate extra guests due to the size of the room and our finances, so either you come alone, or you don't come, and if you come with a date anyway, then you'll need to either pay for her dinner yourself, or she'll sit on the floor and starve. End of story.'
I mean, maybe not in those exact words, but I think it's time to be a little blunter and firmer and just remember that there are people in your family who DO support your decision here and love you.
mcclj74
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Re: How do I deal... LONG VENT - SORRY!!
i dont think you should have to justify anything to anyone - we have a rule - if you arent 21 you are not invited - i dont even care if you are 20.5 - the only person under 21 who is invited is my brother - we are paying for everything ourselves, and i dont think we should have to justify to anyone why or why not they were or were not invited - its your wedding. Politely tell them that they are invited, and not their guests. As for your grandmother - she should really mind her own business - i am sorry if i sound snippy - but I myself am sick of trying to defend my own decisions and bend over backwards when I am doing everything for myself....
mcclj74
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Re: How do I deal... LONG VENT - SORRY!!
Posted by weddingbunny
seems like you've already tried to be nice and explain things, and it didn't work, so I think now it's time to be blunt.
I know it's really hard to be firm with family sometimes, but I think you need to just say 'look, I already explained to you that we can't accommodate extra guests due to the size of the room and our finances, so either you come alone, or you don't come, and if you come with a date anyway, then you'll need to either pay for her dinner yourself, or she'll sit on the floor and starve. End of story.'
I mean, maybe not in those exact words, but I think it's time to be a little blunter and firmer and just remember that there are people in your family who DO support your decision here and love you.
love how you put that
rkl1130
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Re: How do I deal... LONG VENT - SORRY!!
Posted by mcclj74
i dont think you should have to justify anything to anyone - we have a rule - if you arent 21 you are not invited - i dont even care if you are 20.5 - the only person under 21 who is invited is my brother - we are paying for everything ourselves, and i dont think we should have to justify to anyone why or why not they were or were not invited - its your wedding. Politely tell them that they are invited, and not their guests. As for your grandmother - she should really mind her own business - i am sorry if i sound snippy - but I myself am sick of trying to defend my own decisions and bend over backwards when I am doing everything for myself....
I completely agree. You are under no obligation to defend your choices to anyone. You have made a decision and set up boundaries and that should be respected.
There comes a point where you have to be more blunt and firmer in telling people that the decision is final and that they can take it or leave it. If they are against it then they don't have to come...or better yet...they can throw themselves a wedding a do it themselves.
gettinghizitched
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Re: How do I deal... LONG VENT - SORRY!!
Well first off I never heard of telling a guest that they can't bring a guest because they are neither married, engaged, nor in a relationship that just doesn't make sense. When you invite a guest you have to put 'and guest' on the card that's just the way that goes. It's one thing to not invite someone but it's another thing to tell someone that they can't bring a guest. The only way you can do that is if for an example your grandma's husband died you wouldn't put and guest on her invite. Sorry but that's the way it goes. There really is no way to fix this because if you tell them no they will bring there guests anyway.So I think if you really need the space than just tell them that they come alone or they don't come at all. I hope that this helps you.
weddingbunny
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Re: How do I deal... LONG VENT - SORRY!!
Posted by gettinghizitched
Well first off I never heard of telling a guest that they can't bring a guest because they are neither married, engaged, nor in a relationship that just doesn't make sense. When you invite a guest you have to put 'and guest' on the card that's just the way that goes. It's one thing to not invite someone but it's another thing to tell someone that they can't bring a guest. The only way you can do that is if for an example your grandma's husband died you wouldn't put and guest on her invite. Sorry but that's the way it goes. There really is no way to fix this because if you tell them no they will bring there guests anyway.So I think if you really need the space than just tell them that they come alone or they don't come at all. I hope that this helps you.
no offense, but that's not 'the way it goes.'
maybe it was at one point... but these days not everybody can afford to do that and still invite all the people they want to invite. you invite who you invite - it's your wedding, not a random party for everybody to get drunk at.
dangell427
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Re: How do I deal... LONG VENT - SORRY!!
i`m in a simialr situation and usually i`m a softee about everything and i`d get ****** into things even if i hated the idea but here you have to stand up for yourself and explain to the people invited that you can not afford to have extra people there you don`t want to cut loved ones off the list so that they can bring people you don`t even know. as for your g`ma....it`s fh`s that i am going thru this with.....i think you need to have a talk with her and say that if there was someone willing to pay for the extra people then it would be fine but you and fh can only afford X amount of people. that is what i did and before ya know it people were throwing up money saying ohhh if you have room i know so and so would like to come and i`ll pay!!
rkl1130
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Re: How do I deal... LONG VENT - SORRY!!
At one point in time, it was standard to invite everyone with 'and guest.' But now with most couples paying for some, if not all, of the wedding themselves it is not always practical.
A wedding is supposed to celebrate your unity--not an excuse to throw a party and invite whoever and their guests.
I actually went through this with FH's mom who wanted to invite her sister's ex-daughter in-law who no one talks to. If you explain the situation, I'm sure people will understand. As for grandma, sit down and talk to her and be firm--suggest that if they want to bring guests, then maybe they should cough up the money since you don't have room in your budget for it.
LuckyMe
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Re: How do I deal... LONG VENT - SORRY!!
Put your foot down and pray that the myth is right and 20% RSVP no.
Madorie
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Re: How do I deal... LONG VENT - SORRY!!
It stinks that you have to undo what your G'ma did but ya gotta do what you gotta do. You and your FH are the ultimate decision-makers so you have every right to uninvite the unapproved add-ons.
