Adjusting to being Married...Is it just me???

Hi girls,

I was wondering if anyone else feels this way. Since I'm married I've noticed something strange. It has to do with your life in general after marriage, in comparison to how things were before.

For example, since I've been married my DH and I have gone to several BBQs and other functions. These things are such a BORE compared to how they used to be for me when I was single.

There's such a new and different dynamic when most of the guests at a BBQ or party are married (and some even bring their kids). Everyone mostly sits around and talks about WORK!!! My DH and his friends are all cops, so all they talk about is cop stuff (and most of the women are cops too!). I have NOTHING in common and nothing to say, and I end up SO entirely bored to death, and can't wait to leave. This is not my idea of a good time!!

Another thing I've noticed, and it's probably just my personal situation, is that friendships change dramatically during the wedding planning, and even more after the wedding. Some friendships are completely gone from my life. (ETS: I think the loss of friendship is adding to my sense of loss. I feel a loss of my past, of who I was and how things were...)

While I have gained SO much from getting married, and my DH is a wonderful man who I love SO much, I still feel like I have lost something by getting married. I'm going to be 34 next month, and I've had my share of being 'free' and single. I defintely felt like it was out of my system, and I didn't think I'd feel this way at all!!

I think I feel a loss of a sense of individuality and freedom. I'm a WE more than I'm a ME now. It feels so strange. I changed my name yesterday, too, and I think I'm having an identity crisis!! LOL.

But honestly, does anyone else feel that way? I especially feel it at parties and things, where there is such a different energy now. Things are a lot more low-key. I wish I didn't feel so completely bored and stiffled at these things. Shouldn't I be enjoying this 'couple' stuff???

Has anyone else felt a sense of loss for things past?

Any thoughts?

Karen

Re: Adjusting to being Married...Is it just me???

I don't think its getting married...I think its getting older...

Re: Adjusting to being Married...Is it just me???

Yeeks! That makes a lot of sense...

I hope this isn't a mid-life crisis!! LOL!!!

I'll definitely admit there is some aspect of getting older here. But I still think a lot of what I'm feeling has to do with being a couple now.

I'd really love to hear everybody's feelings and experiences with this.

Re: Adjusting to being Married...Is it just me???

We were already a 'we' before we got married. We had our own interests and friends just like we have now but we were together for 7 years by the time we got married, so sharing our lives was something very normal for us.

In many ways, I dont understand how anyone can make the commitment that marriage entails without already having that.

As for the friendships...i think a wedding brings out the best in some and the worst in others. In a few people, it has made me realize the people they were already but I had just never seen. So I dont see that as a result of my marriage, more as a result of poor characters on others. In many ways, my wedding strengthened a few friendships so its an even balance.

Oh and those BBQs are usually boring to me (before and after).

Re: Adjusting to being Married...Is it just me???

Dear Karen:

I think that I can see your point, because some times I feel also that some people see us not like Me or Him, but as US ... that sometimes is not so nice, because although we are married, we are still different human beings. I am 32, and of our 4 years of dating we lived together for the almost 3, and I also enjoyed my singlehood before meeting him, so as well as you, I really looked forward to getting married.

I am trying to avoid those 'boring' things, by keeping a chunk of space for myself. In my case, since I am a musician it can be easy, because I got to go to play in gigs, to teach, freelancing, rehearsing for performances ... and that is a time that I get to be by myself and with other people that are in the same art environment than me. DH likes what I do, but he is not involved on it, he only goes to most of my performaces, so that is entirely 'my place'. Plus, I did not change my professional name, for my music jobs I am still Miss Rojas (and always will be).

We do a lot of things together, but also do things alone. Right now DH is in Portugal helping his mother to take care of the renovation of an old farm house they have ... and I find that great, because although we are just married (2 months ago) I feel that is wonderful that he gets a break away from his search of employment (he is one of those 9% unemployed New Yorkers) while I am busy teaching and playing.

Have you talk about doing things different from other married couples that you know? Or to be still boyfriend and girlfriend although you are married? About friendships that change ... you are right about that, but I try to think that I am better off without those that run away ... some relations are not meant for ever.

I hope you are feeling a lot better. Believe me, you are not alone in that feeling of perceiving that things are changing, I guess that we just have to try to make them change the way we want it, and the way it suits us best.

Good luck!

Elena

Re: Adjusting to being Married...Is it just me???

Hi Stef,

DH and I lived about 64 miles apart. So we never really saw each other every day, or even spent a huge amount of time together before we were married. We dated for about 18 months, but because of the distance and his work schedule, only saw each other about once or twice a week. So it's a big change for me.

I also think the fact that so many of his friends and their wives are cops, it just naturally leaves me out of conversations. I have nothing to say! I started a new thread about it, actually.

One of the friendships I lost was the longest and closest I had, 22 years long! So that in itself is an adjustment, I guess.

I'm sure it's just a time of adjustment, but over the past few days I started to worry about it. I started wondering why I was feeling this way, and if it meant something terrible!

Karen

Re: Adjusting to being Married...Is it just me???

Thank you Elena! It's good to know I'm not alone!

I think part of my problem is I need to find some good friendships for myself to replace the ones I lost along the way. I suppose lately I feel like my DH is the only person I have for support and friendship outside of my family. So it really is time to get back in the swing of things!

I'm sure it will help me a lot to get my own little piece of the world going again.

Thanks again!

Re: Adjusting to being Married...Is it just me???

I totally understand about being left out of conversations...many of my husbands friends are in the aviation industry which could not be more boring to chat about. My solution to that is just to sit back for a little while but when I have had enough I remind them how rude they are being and its time to talk about something we can all have a nice discussion about. I mean, its only normal to talk about common interests to some extent but if they are leaving you out to a great extent, its time to speak up about it.

I think the distance between you and your husband while you were dating is the real adjustment. Living together is a big adjustment even if you have spent every waking moment together beforehand - so I cant imagine how tough your situation must be. But the good news is that after the adjustment period, you do get used to dealing with each others less than perfect traits and it gets A LOT easier. But the adjustment period ****s!

Re: Adjusting to being Married...Is it just me???

Oh you are welcome! Remeber, it is not bad to feel that besides being 'WE' we also are 'I', the fact ath we were different compatible 'single people' is what drove us together to shager our uniqueness in a commited partnership. The hard part is trying to balance our own and particular space/time and that space/time that we share together.

best,

Elea

Re: Adjusting to being Married...Is it just me???

Karen - I totally understand how you feel. My husband is a cop and quite a bit of his friends married or have girlfriends who are cops (who are very nice) but doesnt leave you anywhere in the conversation.

Also, I let two longtime friendships go during my wedding planning. They both called the week of the wedding to say they werent coming and I had to pay for their plate. Looking back, they werent friends I could depend on, but I was friends with one for 25 years and the other 15 years. It still was a loss even though they werent the truest of friends.

Just wanted to say you are not alone.
I FM you before I wrote this.

Cindy

Re: Adjusting to being Married...Is it just me???

Hi Karen,

There is A LOT of adjusting after you get married. Even though people may have lived together before the wedding, there is a big difference in how people view you! I totally understand the single friend thing. I have had the same group of friends for over 15 years and boy, when I got engaged, they all seemed to fall off the face of the earth. I don't know what happened(s). If anyone else knows, please let me know!

Re: Adjusting to being Married...Is it just me???

I could understand how boring it would be for you if everyone is constantly talking about their jobs. You can just ask questions to get them talking more about themselves. Everyone loves to talk about themselves or you can try and steer the conversation to a different subject.
I would have a little get together with some of your friends.Why so you feel your friendships ended since the marriage? Are they married too? Do they have children? One of my friends I don't talk to often because she has 2 children and is constantly running around with them to baseball or soccer or boy scouts. Try calling one of your friends for lunch sometime. They may be feeling the same way.

Re: Adjusting to being Married...Is it just me???

Karen- I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It sounds like a whole bunch of things have been changing in your life all at the same time and that is totally overwhelming. I think moving in together is a big enough adjustment without getting married, changing your name, etc. And I am sorry to hear about your friends. When you lose someone close for whatever reason it really makes you reflect on your life and take stock. Do you and your DH ever hang out with your friends? It sounds like you spend alot of time with his friends. Can you try to make 'dates' with your friends to hang out alone or as a ocuple? Do you have any hobbies or interests that are just your own that you can focus on when you are feeling down? I know for me it is work/school that is just my own that I love and makes me feel smart and independent and strong. Maybe you can join a book club or take an exercise class or something to meet new people and have time to focus on you. Thinking of you- and sending you

Re: Adjusting to being Married...Is it just me???

Thanks everybody!

I really have a lot that keeps me busy. I work, and I have a lot of hobbies that I love. I think there are just a lot of changes going on all at once, and it's going to take a little getting used to.

In terms of friendships, I really only had one very close friend. We were friends since grammar school, and were more like sisters than anything else. Working at home like I do, I never made a lot of other friends, and some of the ones I had from school fell away as time went on and they got married, or moved away. So it was really just me and this one friend.

But she got involved in a bad relationship a few years ago, and got heavily into drugs which completely wacked out her mind and her judgement. Needless to say, she withdrew from my bridal party three months before the wedding and we haven't spoken since.

So really it's up to me not only to work on being a wife and adjusting to a new home, but also to start cultivating some new friendships for myself.

Lots to do!! I'm sure I'll be fine! It's just a lot of major changes.

Thanks again!

Re: Adjusting to being Married...Is it just me???

Hey Karen,

I can certainly relate. Marriage is an adjustment in every sense of the word! When most of us married, we never believe that things will change so drastically. I have a friend who lost several friendships through having them as Brides maids, she had major problems in with her in laws and her family stopped talking to her, all throughout the time she was getting married. To top it all she had the ajustment of being married, changing her name, living in a new place etc. Imaging having to go through all of that within a one year time span? She almost had a nervous break down. The drama was just never ending. However she is way past that now and I think she's a better person as well. I think every major event in our lives causes a certain amount of growth and that growth can be very painful or confusing at times, but you get past it.

I've been to BBQ's and get togethers and have seen some women looking very uncomfortable. At times I feel sorry for them because they seem so out of place. I love to approach people like that because after talking with them for a while, it pulls them out of their shell and they end up having a great time.

I am a people person, so everywhere I go I can fit in and find something to talk about with someone. The key is connecting with a one person at the function, once you do that, you'll be surprised at how interesting things get! Even more, you might connect with someone who could potentially become a new friend!

Hang in there, you'll be fine and things will get a little easier as time goes by. You've been married just 2 months - girlfriend, you have some adjustments to go through!!!!!

Re: Adjusting to being Married...Is it just me???

yes! i have to agree with you getting married completely changes your life, i've been going through a lot in the past two months, not a feeling of loss but a feeling of too much routine and getting older. have you talked to your husband about it. a lot people go through this sort of thing, marriage is a big step but if you can have a successful one, all the power to you. good luck and and if you need to talk you can email me any time.

Re: Adjusting to being Married...Is it just me???

Hey Karen
As you know, my adjustment period has been hard as well.
Mostly my issues are family related, but already I see it getting better.
My friends seem to be giving me space, either that or they are sick of me now
No really, I agree once you're married, you seee things differently, all of a sudden, you do a lot of 'couple' things. No one expects to see you w/o your hubby.

I lived w/DH and it's still an adjustment period. BUt we'll get through it, and so will you

As for the BBQs I agree, that one is about gettting older. EEK !!! Once we're older, we have different interests and certain things just arent as much fun.
I thouroughly enjoy BBQs but DH doesn't and I drag him anyway

Good Luck, I'm sure everything will work out.
FM me if you need to talk some more

Liz

Re: Adjusting to being Married...Is it just me???

Imhaving some adjustment issues, I want things to be the same as before. I hear ya on the identity issue.

Im convinced that age has something to do with it, at 31 years old I have to get use to saying husband and we and let me check with hubby first.

Where as Im used to just doing what I want without having to consult with someone else.

Re: Adjusting to being Married...Is it just me???

Karen,

I know just how you feel. And unlike you, my husband and I had been together 9 years before getting married – lived together for 8 – and there was still adjustment. For me anyway. He seemed to slide right into it! I think it was more an internal thing than anything. It was the sudden realization that certain things felt 'over'. It’s very hard to explain…and I remember feeling so badly about it. I just didn’t feel like the rest of the Newlyweds! I must be honest…this is exactly the same feeling I had when I got pregnant. I think it all just affects women differently. Some can coast right into it, and some put up a little bit of an independence fight! (like me! And you!) I wouldn’t worry about it. What I would do, is make sure to spend quality time with friends that you are still close with. Separate from your husband. So that you can be you – apart from the new 'you and hubby' duo! Good luck…I think its normal - don’t worry yourself.

Re: Adjusting to being Married...Is it just me???

Thanks again everybody...

SANDYP: You're totally right about trying to find someone at these functions to talk to. I'm sure I would feel so much better. I guess I've been approaching it wrong, and feeling like these are 'HIS' people, and 'HIS' friends. I guess I was just expecting them to include me more on their own. Looks like I'm going to have to weasel in! LOL.


THUSMUF: I spoke to me DH about how I'm feeling, but he suddenly got SO hurt and worried. He was so concerned that I wasn't happy I married him, which isn't the case at all. He couldn't see it as an adjustment phase, just that I wasn't happy and he took it personally and got upset. Not angry, but very hurt! So I just dropped it. I know I'll get through it, and I don't want him to feel responsible for my feelings..

LIZLEN: I'm happy to hear things are already working themselves out! Thanks so much for the . Who knew all these adjustments would take place? Or that it would feel so strange! Someone should have written a book so we would have known! LOL..

WACKY: I hear you about the getting older thing! When DH or my family calls me....'Mrs. Hislastname' instead of feeling happy and smiling about it, I actually feel OLD and sad. My poor DH thinks I hate his name. It's more like I don't have any feelings connected to Karen Hislastname. I told him it would be like everyone suddenly calling him Joe instead of Kevin. It takes a lot of getting used to for me.

JENNY: I absolutely 100% feel a sense of loss. I feel like things are OVER for me now. I know getting married is the beginning of a new phase of life, but that means the old phase is over. Even though there is a lot in the past I'm glad to leave behind, it just feels so FINAL now. I'm don't even have the same name anymore!


I guess it's normal for us to feel a sense of loss. We've changed our names, our homes, and the way we interact with our family and friends, the way we socialize, and some have even lost friends all together. How can we not feel sad on some level?

I'm happy it's not just me! LOL Now I'm more relaxed with feeling this way, and I'm just going to let things flow along, be patient with myself, and see where this new life takes me.

Thanks again!