Re: Advise needed please!(LONG)

Tammy

How long was she with her DH before they got married? Did they get engaged because it was a logical next step or because she really wanted to? (Just trying to understand how they wound up married to begin with)

As for 'X' She does need to stop thinking about him for awhile anyway. As Sept20 said I think some people go through the I'm married blues. After I got married a friend of mine (who was recently married herself) asked me are you wishing you were single again yet? So I guess she went through these 'blues' I have never had that. An ex of mine (the guy I was dating when I met Matt) ran into some friends of mine and went on and on about how I shouldn't be with him and how he couldn't beleive I was married..blah blah..blah. I can't say I wasn't flattered. But it didn't make me think I should leave Matt to be with him.

I think your friends problem with her hubby goes beyond X and needs to be addressed and TTC should be the furthest thing on her mind. If he makes her cry often that is a big problem like the girls said.

My advice to her would be to put X on the back burner (even as a freiend) for now and focus on her marriage. She has to decide why she is having doubts and when and why they started. When she knows the answer to that she will be able to decide if they are fixable.

Sorry this got long!

Re: Advise needed please!(LONG)

Tracy I was posting when you did but very well said!!

Re: Advise needed please!(LONG)

Okay. This is what I think.

1. The statement that he makes her cry, but really is a good guy is a little dangerous. Men who beat the life out of their wives are 'good guys' sometimes, too. That's why their wives stay with them so long in the first place. Is he upsetting her every single day? Does he respect her feelings? Does he listen to her? Does he treat her as an equal? I don't care how much of a good guy he is, if he's not respecting her, he's not that great.

2. He puts her down. Another red flag. This is absolutely unacceptable. It will erode her self esteem until there is nothing left.

3. Her husband needs to know exactly how she feels about him and about his behavior. He should be willing to listen, be open, and willing to work on this together, even if it means involving a counselor. If he isn't willing to do this, then she needs to go for counseling by herself to help her figure it all out.

4. The fact that X is showing up really doesn't make a difference. I agree that things happen for a reason. But it's not always the reason we think. Maybe she WAS meant to run into X. But maybe it is only to get her to start dealing with her marriage and it's problems. Being attracted to X, thinking about ending up with him, thinking it's fated are all BIG signs that there is something lacking in her relationship with her husband. That is the real issue here. And that needs to be dealt with first.

5. She also needs to realize that she cannot compare X with her husband. She and her husband are involved in a REAL marriage. They interact every day, live together, eat together, sleep together. They have bills and inlaws and stress and worries. They have disagreements and moods and all the normal things a real couple faces.

X is a fantasy. She never had a marriage with X, and has no idea what it would be like if she married him. For all she knows, it could be worse than what she has now. Or she could leave her husband, and still not end up with X for one reason or another. So basically, I agree with the other poster, that X is a way out of what she's feeling and dealing with. It's too easy to think that X is her dream come true, her destiny, her way out of all this.

On the one hand, I would say it's fine to stay friends with X, and leave that door open for the future if it ever comes to that. But by the way it sounds, I think she would be way too tempted to find comfort in X's arms. I think she needs to stay away from X until her marriage is settled one way or the other.

Basically, it's time for a good talk between her and her husband. If that doesn't help, it's time for some serious counseling. Until she does that, it's completely unfair and unhealthy for her to think about leaving her husband for X, or anyone else. You've got to finish one relationship before you move onto the next. Unless you want to complicate your life beyond belief, and bring yourself more misery.

Second thoughts are common in marriage. There's always going to be someone attractive that makes you 'wish' you were single, even if just for a day! There are going to be times when things in your marriage feel difficult and boring and restrictive, but that's just part of the ups and downs of any relationship.

She needs to figure out if she's just experiencing the normal ups and downs, or if there's a real serious problem in her marriage that's making her miserable.

Wish her luck. I'm sure it's a very difficult time for her.

Re: Advise needed please!(LONG)

I am just going to copy what I posted on NWR thread thank you though, I know some things said will help her - you thought of things I certainly did not

WOW,we have some smart ladies here I do not know half of the answers to your and the newlywed board questions but will try to find out. I do know that her DH knows she is unhappy at times b/c she told me that she tells him. Ill try to find out the rest but I leave tomorrow for mexico and wont be back until the 21 but I will send her this link and the newlyweds one to keep checking what you say, she is not an LIW member so I do not know if she will log in or not
thanks again

Re: Advise needed please!(LONG)

her DH often puts her down and makes her cry but is a good guy/honest guy in general

I didn't even have to read any further. Been there, done that (although didn't marry the guy, THANK GOD). You cannot be a general honest and good guy as you put down your wife/girl friend and make her cry. Why do we as women even pretend that is okay? Of course we all have arguements and say dumb or insenstive things at times, but not to hurt the other person and not often. If this is an everyday type thing or a 'that is their relationship' type thing she needs her running shoes on IMO.

Being with someone since you are 16 and then leaving is NOT easy, but why stay in a marriage that is full of hurt just because you are afraid to leave? I cannot tell your friend what to do. No one can really. I would NEVER tell someone to leave unless they were in physical harm BUT mental harm is just as bad IMO, often times worse and your friend needs to do a lot of soul searching. I just want her to know that there are good and honest men out in the World who DO NOT make you cry and put you down. And that she WILL be okay if she decides to go it alone for a while.