Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

dubliner Posted: Jun 10, 2003 10:11 PM

Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

I think my inlaws have asked my DH who gave what at the wedding. In fact, I know. I have no problem saying 'so and so gave us a lovely vase', but checks wise, I don;t think its anyones business. I kind of forsaw that this might happen and I brought this up to him before the wedding that I did not think it was anyone's business who gave what. Last night he asked me if I had made a spreadsheet of the gifts (which I hadn't), so I am guessing why he asked.

Is it common for parents to ask? - I don't think the thought even crossed my parents minds.

I really don't want to share this info, aparently they (DH's parents) want to reciprocate a generous gift to other peoples children...but IMO, when you go to a wedding its not about payback - maybe I'm wrong.

I don't want to put my foot down if this is a common thing - parents knowing gifts

chmlengr Posted: Jun 10, 2003 10:14 PM

Re: Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

Our parents didn't ask, but I was going to say that each of our sets of parents inquired as to what their friends gave because they also went to their friends childrens wedding.....

I don't think it's any of their business either, IMO, but you didn't say whether or not they had any part in paying? Maybe that's why their interested? Not that that gives them the right....

LisaW Posted: Jun 10, 2003 10:15 PM

Re: Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

My parents asked for this info too.

They said they wanted to know what family members and their friends gave so they know what to reciprocate when the time comes.

It made sense to me and I ONLY gave them a list with family and THEIR friends

dubliner Posted: Jun 10, 2003 10:16 PM

Re: Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

OM - so maybe its not so unusual - and I would definately only give them info about their family / friends

thanks

LisaT Posted: Jun 10, 2003 10:36 PM

Re: Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

my in-laws asked too. I had no problem showing them the list. They wanted to see how they're friends did and wanted to know what they should give at future weddings.

alina Posted: Jun 10, 2003 11:19 PM

Re: Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

wow, I didn't realize it was that common!!!
FMIL asked only about one person, to tell her what he will give at the wedding. This is after that one guest being extremely difficult with transportation options and causing FI's parents to pick up the tab for a cab ride from Brooklyn to NJ!!!

According to them 'he better cover the food and the cab ride'.

I would feel uncomfortable about the rest of the $$$, and probably would not tell!!!

Diane Posted: Jun 10, 2003 11:21 PM

Re: Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

ours didnt ask, and his didnt either.
Tell them, that you dont rememeber off hand what so-in so gave

yabbobay Posted: Jun 11, 2003 12:02 AM

Re: Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

my mom asked...so she knew what to give in other situations...

I don't think it is done to snoop...

JennRenee Posted: Jun 11, 2003 07:14 AM

Re: Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

My parents asked. I think they were just checking what others give to make sure they weren't giving cheap gifts when they attend weddings!

Valenia Posted: Jun 11, 2003 07:17 AM

Re: Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

I share this info when asked. Think about it not as payback, but also not wanting to insult anyone -- If someone was overly generous to us to give less to their children would seem like an insult. My parents/ILs aren't looking to match, but just want to make sure they aren't way off so as to create an awkward position in either direction.

MSCJLK Posted: Jun 11, 2003 07:45 AM

Re: Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

Helen- check your FM

VickiC Posted: Jun 11, 2003 08:21 AM

Re: Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

Yep, both sets of parents asked since they were going to their friends and family weddings after ours. They all wanted to make sure they gave a gift in the same ballpark as what we were given.

I think it's a pretty common thing to do actually.

Cira Posted: Jun 11, 2003 08:50 AM

Re: Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

My mom asked and I gave her the list ... it didn't bother me and I totally understood - same reasons that everyone here has posted! But it is truly a personal decision ... so do what you feel is right!

ddunne23 Posted: Jun 11, 2003 10:42 AM

Re: Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

I was just discussing this with my mom last night since she has two upcoming weddings and was actually shocked (in a good way) by what some people gave us. She would have never thought to give that much, but now she is in the loop and it won't be an awkward situation. Because even if you don't want to think so, people to keep track of things like this and remember it! I didn't bother me to give the info to my parents. I don't think DH told his parents simply because 80% of guests at the wedding were from my side and IMO it isn't their business if it is not their side of the family.

Jenn P Posted: Jun 11, 2003 10:49 AM

Re: Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

My mom didn’t ask for a list, but she already warned me she might ask about what certain people gave so she could reciprocate properly in the future.

If you’re uncomfortable do what Lisa W did and just provide her with the amounts for her family.

Laura Posted: Jun 11, 2003 10:53 AM

Re: Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

We had conversations with both my Mom and Dh's parents-- with inlaws it was for the same reasons that everyone stated they wanted to make sure they were giving on par with their friends-- we didn't show them the spreadsheet but did talk about when people (family and friends) gave above and beyond but didn't divulge the amount
HTH

MichelleW Posted: Jun 11, 2003 12:01 PM

Re: Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

My mom didn’t ask for a list either but did ask about certain so she could reciprocate appropriately

DeniseMang Posted: Jun 11, 2003 01:59 PM

Re: Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

My In-laws did this to reciprocate appropriately too. I think its distasteful. I have always beleived in giving from the heart, no matter what was given to you. jmo.

charliesgirl Posted: Jun 11, 2003 03:05 PM

Re: Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

I gave my in-laws a list of their guests and how much they gave. They asked for it becasue the keep a record so they can reciprocate at the next wedding. I thought it was kind of wrong to do this but that's what everybody does in DH's family. very old school. Then my MIL told me a should keep a book and write down evry gift I give someone from now on so I know what to give back. Its like one big game. I wasn't brought up this way. I always gave what I could give.

My parents just asked if we did ok. They never asked who gave what.

Paiz Posted: Jun 11, 2003 05:17 PM

Re: Another In Law question - (sorry) (and its long)

My parents asked about their family members. DHs dad didn't. Actually, the biggest surprise is that my COUSIN asked my brother what another cousin of ours gave.

My family is so screwed up...