Baby Bug has me so sad

So I sub, but as many people subbing right now I rarely get called or find a job on Aesop. Its so frustrating that I graduated from a top college, have two masters degrees and no real income. Top it off DH is in CT all the time because that is where his job is based out of. He is supposed to work from home most of the time, the deal they made with him when he left them to take a LI job, but its not going like planned as they have been trying to ship 5 -6 machines a month and need him up there.

Last night DH and I had a long talk about how it looks like we either have to change our situation or we have to push off having a baby another year because we weren't able to save any money this year. I am turning 30 in March and am a DES grand-baby and I don't want to push off trying much longer. What if it takes me 9 years like it took my mom?

So now we have to make a decision...

1) Stay here, continue with DH's commuting, keep looking for a job and push off babies for at least a year if not more.

2) Put the house we have worked our butts off on (for over a year) and finally got it the way we want it (including an amazing walk in closet) on the market and move to CT where he doesn't have to commute and it wouldn't matter if I was making money because the cost of living would be less. Were talking Middletown area, where its cheap. This means moving away from my friends, the waterfront and DH's dream of having his own boat business someday, and most importantly my family (only child so this is a big one.) His family is in NJ so we really have no one there. So it means moving somewhere I don't know anyone. It also means I won't be certified for CT, so I don't know what I will do to work, but there it wouldn't be as much of an issue. But I think I am bored now, at least I have my parents near by. Being home all day up there I think I would be miserable. But we could start trying sooner and hopefully have a baby soon. Plus I would see DH every night.

I just want to cry.

Oh no...Im so sorry you have to choose between 2 things you love so very much

Just follow your heart...you guys will figure out whats more important and works for the both of you! Im sure you guys could find a wonderful house anywhere to raise a family AND be in love with. As long as your together

Aww Michelle!

Is there any way that DH can look for a job on LI? I feel like both of your dreams are here so it would be a shame to leave LI.

It is beautiful in the Middletown area - two of my best friends now live up there (one in East Haddam and one in Westbrook) but as far as it being cheap - it's cheaper but not necessarily cheap.

AND they both say the school districts aren't great. Both of them are stay at home moms and have their kids (5 combined) in private schools - which negates any savings they have on the property taxes.

Oh that is so hard. . Is it a job that your DH really wants to keep - I think life could be really nice for you guys up there but it seems hard to move for a job it seems like he may not want to keep - and if you guys move there for it, he will probably end up keeping it for a long time. . so I guess you guys need to decide if it's a good thing - could you rent out your house here and stay in CT just for now?

I know one or two people who live there though and they love it, one friend owns a yoga studio there. .

and I DEF know how you feel about the baby thing - I am so ready to start trying now and DH doesn't have a job and won't even think about trying to get pregnant until he has one - which I know makes sense but I get panicked bc I feel so old (turned 37 in November)

It sort of feels like someone has to compromise here ... you seem so sad without your DH around and not working 100% of the time.

I know your family is on LI but if DH's job is in CT and it cannot be done on LI, then I wonder if your family is enough for you to remain here on LI.

I'm not trying to be mean or anything; in fact I feel very sympathetic to your situation - but now that you and DH are married, you are each other's family - and you should be together. I know it would scuk to leave the house you guys worked SO HARD on, and to leave your family ... but wouldn't it be nice to be together every day?

ETA

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Posted by Tracey1979

I moved from NY to CT for DH. I live in Stamford, which is near the water. There are a lot of towns near the water that may be nicer than you expect. If you ever want to come up and go look around I would love to show you around, or the 4 of us could have dinner.

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Thanks, that area is a little more expensive then along the CT river but if we lean that way we might take you up on it. i tried so hard to get a job with the History Channel. If I could do that then Stamford would be great, but its never really worked out.

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Posted by MLAngelo

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Posted by Tracey1979

I moved from NY to CT for DH. I live in Stamford, which is near the water. There are a lot of towns near the water that may be nicer than you expect. If you ever want to come up and go look around I would love to show you around, or the 4 of us could have dinner.

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Thanks, that area is a little more expensive then along the CT river but if we lean that way we might take you up on it. i tried so hard to get a job with the History Channel. If I could do that then Stamford would be great, but its never really worked out.

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Stamford is nice - my dad lives there and my step sister and her husband live there too - there are actually super affordable places to live in stamford too (not near the water of course) but I know my s-sister has a pretty reasonable house. .
and it's still really close to LI - my dad lives there and commutes to LI everyday. . so you could still see your family and focus on starting your own

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Posted by meara



Oh that is so hard. . Is it a job that your DH really wants to keep - I think life could be really nice for you guys up there but it seems hard to move for a job it seems like he may not want to keep - and if you guys move there for it, he will probably end up keeping it for a long time. . so I guess you guys need to decide if it's a good thing - could you rent out your house here and stay in CT just for now?

I know one or two people who live there though and they love it, one friend owns a yoga studio there. .

and I DEF know how you feel about the baby thing - I am so ready to start trying now and DH doesn't have a job and won't even think about trying to get pregnant until he has one - which I know makes sense but I get panicked bc I feel so old (turned 37 in November)

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He loves his job but his goal in life is to have his own marina/boat business, which is so much better down here. But who knows if we will ever afford to do that. As far an engineering jobs he loves his job, though they want to sell the company eventually, which is why we didn't move to CT from the start. But DH has stock options in the company so he wants to stay until they sell. It could be 2 years, it could be 10. If it does sell we don't know if it would stay in CT or be moved to Houston (his bosses worked for a company that was sold).

But in this economy he has a job where they can't function without him, its hard to leave that. He did leave it and they BEGGED him to come back (twice). Its hard to walk away from a company with that kind of job security in a time when manufacturing businesses are closing left and right.



We talked about renting out our house. But I think that would be more heart breaking then moving, because we just worked so hard redoing all the rooms and you know that most renters won't take care of it the way we do. Plus the property taxes in Islip are BRUTAL.

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Posted by meara

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Posted by MLAngelo

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Posted by Tracey1979

I moved from NY to CT for DH. I live in Stamford, which is near the water. There are a lot of towns near the water that may be nicer than you expect. If you ever want to come up and go look around I would love to show you around, or the 4 of us could have dinner.

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Thanks, that area is a little more expensive then along the CT river but if we lean that way we might take you up on it. i tried so hard to get a job with the History Channel. If I could do that then Stamford would be great, but its never really worked out.

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Stamford is nice - my dad lives there and my step sister and her husband live there too - there are actually super affordable places to live in stamford too (not near the water of course) but I know my s-sister has a pretty reasonable house. .
and it's still really close to LI - my dad lives there and commutes to LI everyday. . so you could still see your family and focus on starting your own

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Thanks. Its something to think about.

wow, you sound EXACTLY like me!! i have the same exact thing going on. i also have two master's, get tortured by aesop, never ever work, no matter how hard i try (in my field anyway)... my husband works here on LI as a teacher, but it's gotten so bad he's willing to give it up and move elsewhere so we BOTH can be happy... it totally S**CKS to have to feel like you do! i know how hard it is. it's not an easy choice to pick one or the other scenario. i'm sorry you are going through this. it's totally unfair! but what i've come to feel is that i can't just sit here, rotting, not having a baby, watching other people either get jobs (thanks nepotism) or live just like me and want it but can't get it... not being able to get along in my life and feel happy and productive. i believe i deserve that and will do what it take to get that. and so if moving is what i have to do, yes, it will be awful to move away from ALL that i know, everything and everyone that i love...BUT those things can change and not leave you. it will be different, difficult... even hard and maybe so sad... but it has to worth it because those things i want are waiting for me somewhere. so that's what i try to believe. your friends and family will have your back. and i'm pretty sure that CT has reciprocity with NY so you'd have some time to get a new cert. if that's in fact what you wanted to do. but that's just sorta how i'm trying to think about things...looking at your situation through my eyes, which really feel for you. because i know how you feel. it will work out and you deserve all the happiness in the world so i wish you all the luck in the world and think you guys can make the best decision for you both :o) it will be okay.

Follow your gut. You & DH have to decided which is more important to you, and go with that. Will it be easy no way, but will it all work out in the end for sure. I would make pro/con lists of both options, that usually helps me get my head around things. I feel for you. DH & I moved to DC in Sept so he could take a new job. If we stayed on LI we would not have been able to start a family so soon, or buy a house in the near future. By moving here for DH's job we were able to start trying & I got pregnant. Now we are looking to move into a house by August. Was it easy, no, is it getting better yes. I love having DH home after years of being away playing baseball. We try to visit NY as much as possible. DH's schedule doesn't always allow but we make the best of what we have. CT is much closer than DC, so you wouldn't be too far. To me it sounds like you want to start a family sooner than later. If that means moving to CT you will make it work. Good luck either way.

eta: Having moved here & being able to buy a nice house for less money in MD I am going to be able to be a SAHM.

That's a tough decision to make and I think only you and DH can come up with the best solution.

As far as being certified in CT, As long as you are certified in NY you can get a certification in another state, you just have to find out from the CT dept of ed what the steps are, you might have to take an exam. And I recently read that CT pays their teachers the most out of all the US.

Good Luck

oh michelle i am so sorry!!!!!!!

this is such a rough call...my best advice is to lsten to your heart..really think about which one you want the most right now and go from there

Thanks girls, I think its even harder given how hard we have worked on this house. I love this house. I love the kitchen I designed, the walk in closet I designed, the beautiful den I laid out. We did a lot of things I wouldn't have bothered to do if I thought I was going to sell my beautiful house. But you girls certainly helped me feel better about it.

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Posted by MrsJuneB2B

wow, you sound EXACTLY like me!! i have the same exact thing going on. i also have two master's, get tortured by aesop, never ever work, no matter how hard i try (in my field anyway)... my husband works here on LI as a teacher, but it's gotten so bad he's willing to give it up and move elsewhere so we BOTH can be happy... it totally S**CKS to have to feel like you do! i know how hard it is. it's not an easy choice to pick one or the other scenario. i'm sorry you are going through this. it's totally unfair! but what i've come to feel is that i can't just sit here, rotting, not having a baby, watching other people either get jobs (thanks nepotism) or live just like me and want it but can't get it... not being able to get along in my life and feel happy and productive. i believe i deserve that and will do what it take to get that. and so if moving is what i have to do, yes, it will be awful to move away from ALL that i know, everything and everyone that i love...BUT those things can change and not leave you. it will be different, difficult... even hard and maybe so sad... but it has to worth it because those things i want are waiting for me somewhere. so that's what i try to believe. your friends and family will have your back. and i'm pretty sure that CT has reciprocity with NY so you'd have some time to get a new cert. if that's in fact what you wanted to do. but that's just sorta how i'm trying to think about things...looking at your situation through my eyes, which really feel for you. because i know how you feel. it will work out and you deserve all the happiness in the world so i wish you all the luck in the world and think you guys can make the best decision for you both :o) it will be okay.

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It really is frustrating. I get up every morning at 5am and shower and put on makeup. Then I sit on my bed and refresh my browser until about 7:30am. Then I give up, wash my face, put my hair in a ponytail and go back to sleep. Yesterday DH witnessed this and told me I am crazy and thats when the discussion started.

The sad thing is that if I hadn't caught the film bug and done teaching first I would have been looking for jobs when they were doing forced retirements 7 years ago and hiring teachers like crazy. I would have known a million people in the schools (since retired) and probably been tenured now. Everyone says you can't look back and I know that but its so hard not to when I am sitting on my couch watching Soap Net. I went from one field you can't get jobs in to another.

I know what you mean about nepotism though... My MIL is the assistant to the superintendent in South Brunswick, NJ, DH's hometown. My probably future SIL gets sub jobs EVERY day because MIL's best friend is in charge of the subs there. If I said I would move back to NJ she would do everything she could to get me a job. Problem is, we would be divorced in a year. We can't live within driving distance of his over demanding parents. So thats out.

I am sorry you guys are going thru this but I really would sit down and have a plan as to what is the best for both of you!!!!! And maybe think that if you cant find a job in the next 6-12 months consider moving to CT...I would also see what the job prospects there are cause if its not any better than it is here then whats the point.