Being aware of an unfaithful partner- UPDATE

Original post by soon2bmrsVPT

Feb 03, 2008 03:04 PM

Long story short. Vin's uncle/ best friend (theyre exceptionally close) is going through a lot with his wife & marriage. His wife asked him to move out. Theyre trying to work things out- well, atleast he is.

He is under the impression she is 'confused', they married young (24) had kids young (25).. However, she is out dating other guys and talking about possibly having sex with other men

I hate being aware of all of this. There is more, ask away and I shall edit & respond. I just don;t want to make this post too long.

What do I do? I am all for giving 'Joe' a heads up.. Vin wants to wait to get 'concrete evidence'. We even went so far as to search bay shore to see if we could find her out with this other guy. We only did that because things REALLY got messy yesterday @ a baby shower she & I attended.

Not one person has said 'it isn't your concern/business' which makes me feel even MORE guilty. 'Joe' has NOT A CLUE what is going on..

what would you do?

ETA clarifications:

1. she has been caught on 3 different occasions with 2 different guys (both of which are ex's of hers) by both myself, Vin, and my sister.. What more evidence does Vin want before we say something?

2. Yesterday at the shower she was talking to her best friend (who happened to be sitting next to me) and blabbing about how she is going to lie to her DH and tell her she was going to said friend's company party but really go out with 'Bob' (one of the exes)

rmsgirl Posted: Feb 03, 2008 03:55 PM

Re: Being aware of an unfaithful partner- advice

Tough situation all around. Make sure you and your DH are on the same page before you decide whether or not to say anything.

Joe is lucky to have people care so much about him.

PreshusSmurf Posted: Feb 03, 2008 03:57 PM

Re: Being aware of an unfaithful partner- advice

Hmmm .. well now that I read the updates, that you guys have actually caught her in the act ...

I guess that I would probably try to find a way to tell him ... I think that would be better than him finding out later, and finding out that you guys knew all along and didn't tell him.

soon2bmrsVPT Posted: Feb 03, 2008 03:59 PM

Re: Being aware of an unfaithful partner- advice

told you it was tricky...

Thank you... Keep the advice coming. Flame away if you have to.. I dont care, I just want other opinions!

diva7531 Posted: Feb 03, 2008 04:04 PM

Re: Being aware of an unfaithful partner- advice

I would have Vin talk to him, just give him the facts, no opinions or advice. Let him know so he can hurt and eventually begin to heal.

I have a sorta step sister who went thru something similar. Got a good guy, house kids and had somewhat of a early midlife crisis. She started drinking because she felt trapped. $ years alter the only ones suffering are the kids. Tell him, that's my opinion.

We wish we would have known what was goin on earlier so we could have stopped a lot of what happened.

ruzi777 Posted: Feb 03, 2008 04:08 PM

Re: Being aware of an unfaithful partner- advice

It is Tricky I feel b/c of the Kids.

I think Ryan is right about having Vin talk to him.

I think Uncle should know what you over heard at the shower Heather, that is important.

soon2bmrsVPT Posted: Feb 03, 2008 04:18 PM

Re: Being aware of an unfaithful partner- UPDATE

Just thought of something.. Can you imagine me saying to Vin

'Babe, I posted on LIW the situation with Joe...'

I don't think he will take the advice seriously

PeteysBride Posted: Feb 03, 2008 04:30 PM

Re: Being aware of an unfaithful partner- UPDATE

Most of what I would ahve aid has been said so I will only say this...

STAY OUT of it...Let Vin talk to him if he has proof but if he doesn't STAY OUT both of you. WHY?

Its simple. I know you guys love him and he loves you. Hwoever, she IS his wife...and if by some miracle they go to counseling and wok it all out, you guys will always be the ones who 'called her out,' 'Attacked hsi wife verbbally' 'Made her feel bad,' etc etc. It won't be entirely true of course-you were just looking out for him.

BUT He is the one who married her and has to meke it work. So he will choose his wife if they are making a real go at it, and you dont want to be left in the cold because her resentment agianst you turns him against you guys out of necessity.

. I really am sorry that you guys feel caught in the middle, but without proof, I would keep your mouths shut. Just keep supporting him and being his friends. If she DOES cheat, he will need that love more than any heads up.

BTW DH agrees on this too-just ride along and pick him up when and if he falls.

Jennifer907 Posted: Feb 03, 2008 04:37 PM

Re: Being aware of an unfaithful partner- UPDATE

I'm in a similar situation. One of DHs friends, like an uncle to him, has been cheating on his wife for many years. They have 2 kids. She found out once before and I don't know if she thinks it stopped or if she knows it's still going on. I can't look at her because I want to say something so bad, so I try to avoid them as much as possible. She's a stay at home mom and he only gives her like $60 for ALL expenses each week, including grocery shopping. He has control of everything. I feel so bad for her.

So for me, I just try to stay out of it. But I know how hard it is to keep quiet.

portjeffbride Posted: Feb 03, 2008 04:48 PM

Re: Being aware of an unfaithful partner- UPDATE

ok, I didn't see your update until now... you should tell him. she basically wants you to... afterall, she's talking about it while sitting right next to you!

I think it's probably over, if she's so brazen. she's looking for an excuse to end it....

ruzi777 Posted: Feb 03, 2008 04:52 PM

Re: Being aware of an unfaithful partner- UPDATE

Posted by portjeffbride

ok, I didn't see your update until now... you should tell him. she basically wants you to... afterall, she's talking about it while sitting right next to you!

I think it's probably over, if she's so brazen. she's looking for an excuse to end it....

That's what I was thinking, she was talking in front of you, so that you can hear.

soon2bmrsVPT Posted: Feb 03, 2008 05:37 PM

Re: Being aware of an unfaithful partner- UPDATE

I just dumped it all on my MIL. I asked her what to do. Her response 'tell him.. If she was so brave to talk about it, shes probably looking for an excuse to get out of it.'

She thinks that if Joe confronts his wife, shell then be able to blame it all on him for 'not trusting her & giving her her needed space'

this SUUCKs

ruzi777 Posted: Feb 03, 2008 05:46 PM

Re: Being aware of an unfaithful partner- UPDATE

Posted by soon2bmrsVPT

I just dumped it all on my MIL. I asked her what to do. Her response 'tell him.. If she was so brave to talk about it, shes probably looking for an excuse to get out of it.'

She thinks that if Joe confronts his wife, shell then be able to blame it all on him for 'not trusting her & giving her her needed space'

this SUUCKs

Your MIL has a Point. She could do that. Turn it ALL around & put the blame on him.

ruzi777 Posted: Feb 03, 2008 05:47 PM

Re: Being aware of an unfaithful partner- UPDATE

Heather, this is soo Tough....what has Vin said, I know he doesn't know you are posting this, but does he think he should talk to him???

soon2bmrsVPT Posted: Feb 03, 2008 05:49 PM

Re: Being aware of an unfaithful partner- UPDATE

Vin said Joe may be coming over tonight. If he does, hes going to text his other friend and tell him to come over ALONE (shaun, the other friend is married to joe's wife's best fried)

Then Shaun and Vin are going to tell Joe what they know.. I'm praying he comes over because it needs to come out.

I don't know what happened today that he decided to tell him... Im sure it has something to do with his mom telling him he should tell. He's a total mommas boy

ruzi777 Posted: Feb 03, 2008 05:52 PM

Re: Being aware of an unfaithful partner- UPDATE

Posted by soon2bmrsVPT

Vin said Joe may be coming over tonight. If he does, hes going to text his other friend and tell him to come over ALONE (shaun, the other friend is married to joe's wife's best fried)

Then Shaun and Vin are going to tell Joe what they know.. I'm praying he comes over because it needs to come out.

I don't know what happened today that he decided to tell him... Im sure it has something to do with his mom telling him he should tell. He's a total mommas boy

That sounds like a Good Plan. Sometimes You have to Hear it from Mom. I am even like that. I upsets my DH but I don't mean too.

I Hope everything goes smoothly.
I feel for Vin & your Uncle & the whole situation.
I think it is Best for him to Hear it though. Uncle seems like a Really Good Man. He has the Right to know.
IMO

soon2bmrsVPT Posted: Feb 03, 2008 05:54 PM

Re: Being aware of an unfaithful partner- UPDATE

Yea, Vin just walked through the door and I told him what his mom said.. It annoys me that he takes his mom's word as God's word, but still.. it got the point across!

Vins uncle is a GREAT guy. Any woman would be lucky to have him. He deserves SO MUCH more than what hes getting right now..

ruzi777 Posted: Feb 03, 2008 05:57 PM

Re: Being aware of an unfaithful partner- UPDATE

Posted by soon2bmrsVPT

Yea, Vin just walked through the door and I told him what his mom said.. It annoys me that he takes his mom's word as God's word, but still.. it got the point across!

Vins uncle is a GREAT guy. Any woman would be lucky to have him. He deserves SO MUCH more than what hes getting right now..

He sounds like a Great Man. And Deserves soo Much More like you said.
It sounds like communication is Missing from that relationship. If she would of Openly told him how she is feeling, this would not be going on. That is her fault for Not being Honest.
If she is going through a Pre-Mid-Life Crisis, she should talk about it with her Husband, I am sure he would understand her Feelings.