Being aware of an unfaithful partner- UPDATE

Long story short. Vin's uncle/ best friend (theyre exceptionally close) is going through a lot with his wife & marriage. His wife asked him to move out. Theyre trying to work things out- well, atleast he is.

He is under the impression she is 'confused', they married young (24) had kids young (25).. However, she is out dating other guys and talking about possibly having sex with other men

I hate being aware of all of this. There is more, ask away and I shall edit & respond. I just don;t want to make this post too long.

What do I do? I am all for giving 'Joe' a heads up.. Vin wants to wait to get 'concrete evidence'. We even went so far as to search bay shore to see if we could find her out with this other guy. We only did that because things REALLY got messy yesterday @ a baby shower she & I attended.

Not one person has said 'it isn't your concern/business' which makes me feel even MORE guilty. 'Joe' has NOT A CLUE what is going on..

what would you do?


ETA clarifications:


1. she has been caught on 3 different occasions with 2 different guys (both of which are ex's of hers) by both myself, Vin, and my sister.. What more evidence does Vin want before we say something?

2. Yesterday at the shower she was talking to her best friend (who happened to be sitting next to me) and blabbing about how she is going to lie to her DH and tell her she was going to said friend's company party but really go out with 'Bob' (one of the exes)

oh heck no.. I'm bumping this.. This needs to stay at the top because I need outsider advice!!

So Uncle has No Idea that she is out Dating other men???

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Posted by Brian and Marie

Personally I wouldn't get involved until there is some concrete evidence!! If I was going to hear my partner was cheating I'd want some hardcore proof!!

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I *think* I agree with Marie on this one ... I don't think I'd say anything without solid proof to back up the suspicion.

On the other hand, though, if she is actually having sex with other men & with her husband, there is a risk for disease, etc that he does have a right to know about ....

I would probably stay out of it, and feel the same way you do ...

I would Want some Concrete evidence before I open my mouth.
I just do not want to look like a Fool, if I can not back it up.

Nope... no clue.. He thinks shes just going through a lot and trying to figure out what she wants to do. He has no clue that there are 2 other men in the picture..


see edits..


this uncle is DHs BEST FRIEND... it isnt like hes just an uncle. Vin & I are EXTREMELY close. That's why this is hurting me so much. I feel like harboring this information is some sort of sick betrayal

tough one. I'm not so sure I'd necessarily get involved. Frequently, people who are getting hurt lash out at the messanger instead of the appropriate person.

It sounds like there is enough obvious evidence (living seperately) for his uncle to wake-up and smell the coffee if he'd like... It seems like he just wants to remain in denial a while longer.

I personally wouldn't get involved unless the uncle was in harms way (like her new boyfriend is a felon and looking for him , or she's been so promiscuous that he may catch a disease )

We know someone who is a serial cheater... he's not computer savy, and actually accidentally emailed a pic of who we think is his latest fling ) From reading the interactions between the couples, we think the wife knows, but is choosing to stay right now for financial/child reasons.

we never told her we saw that pic. We DID however, tell someone else extremely close to her (who suspected the husband for years also)..... so more people with good judgement could have the info and reveal it if it became necessary.

good luck

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Posted by portjeffbride

tough one. I'm not so sure I'd necessarily get involved. Frequently, people who are getting hurt lash out at the messanger instead of the appropriate person.

It sounds like there is enough obvious evidence (living seperately) for his uncle to wake-up and smell the coffee if he'd like... It seems like he just wants to remain in denial a while longer.

I personally wouldn't get involved unless the uncle was in harms way (like her new boyfriend is a felon and looking for him , or she's been so promiscuous that he may catch a disease )

We know someone who is a serial cheater... he's not computer savy, and actually accidentally emailed a pic of who we think is his latest fling ) From reading the interactions between the couples, we think the wife knows, but is choosing to stay right now for financial/child reasons.

we never told her we saw that pic. We DID however, tell someone else extremely close to her (who suspected the husband for years also)..... so more people with good judgement could have the info and reveal it if it became necessary.

good luck

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I agree- which is why i havent acted yet.. However, Vin, 'Joe's' other best friend (who is aware as well), and I all are also concerned that when joe does find out- hes going to be even MORE mad that we never told him our suspicions. This is going on 2 months now.

Oh, Heather....

If she has been caught on different occasions cheating, then I probably would give Uncle a Head's Up.
Esp. since you over heard her at the shower.

It is a Very Tough Situation. But I think for the sake of Vin's Uncle....(Which I think might have a clue that she is cheating, esp. since she has cheating on him in the past).

hmmmmm this is a tough situation....

If his Uncle knows what it is going and still does not want to act upon it....(leave her)...then I say your best bet is to stay out of it. I know it's a lot easier said then done especially when she talks about it out in the open but it could get even messier if you get involved.

You'll never be able to change his mind until he is good and ready to really wake up.

you can do 1 of 2 things:

plead ignorance that you knew anything (if that's possible)

test the waters by casually referring to his wife and saying, I know you are seperated, is she with her family, or is she debating seeing someone else?

personally, I'd choose #1

Joe has NO idea. She has never cheated on him in the past. The only thing we can think of is that she's trying to have one more fling. Theyve been together for 10 years now. They got together when she was 18 and he was 20.


Now shes 28 and thinking her life is over because she has kids & has been married for 6 years.. W T F is wrong with her??

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Posted by soon2bmrsVPT

Joe has NO idea. She has never cheated on him in the past. The only thing we can think of is that she's trying to have one more fling. Theyve been together for 10 years now. They got together when she was 18 and he was 20.


Now shes 28 and thinking her life is over because she has kids & has been married for 6 years.. W T F is wrong with her??

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Sorry your trapped in this VERY uncomfortable situation!!

Oh, I am sorry she has Never Cheated on him in the Past.

It is a Tough situation.
Sounds like Therapy will Help soo Much More.

The best thing is to be a supportive friend to the uncle. If he talks about the relationship, you can hear him out and respond accordingly. I wouldn't go out of my way to intervene. It sounds like the clues are already there. When he is ready to deal, he will say something.

Despite everything, they are still married and have kids. What if they reconcile at some point? Be careful! You don't want yours and your DH's relationship with him to be the one that suffers.

I agree... they should seek therapy... that is, as long as she wants to work things out. who knows what happened which made her want to seperate..... it may have been for a good reason, or she could just be depressed.....

I wouldn't intervene, other than suggesting counseling.

How would Joe feel if he found out the two of you knew she was cheating this whole time and you never had the decency to tell him?

I say this because I have a similar story and maybe it'll help you.

Years ago my uncle (dad's brother) was cheating on his wife. My mom was very close to his wife and knew all about the cheating. She never told her though because she thought it wasnt her place. Well, a year later when it all came out (as it always does eventually) she called my mom crying and said 'you KNEW about this the whole time and never even told me?! How could you let me sit there and be humiliated, I thought u were my friend!' She never forgave my mom and they've never spoken since the divorce.

Long story short -- if you care about him, i would tell him. I think he would feel more betrayed by you and Vin if he finds out you knew and never told him.

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Posted by AeroJenn

How would Joe feel if he found out the two of you knew she was cheating this whole time and you never had the decency to tell him?

I say this because I have a similar story and maybe it'll help you.

Years ago my uncle (dad's brother) was cheating on his wife. My mom was very close to his wife and knew all about the cheating. She never told her though because she thought it wasnt her place. Well, a year later when it all came out (as it always does eventually) she called my mom crying and said 'you KNEW about this the whole time and never even told me?! How could you let me sit there and be humiliated, I thought u were my friend!' She never forgave my mom and they've never spoken since the divorce.

Long story short -- if you care about him, i would tell him. I think he would feel more betrayed by you and Vin if he finds out you knew and never told him.

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That's EXACTLY my concern.

He comes over every weekend in tears and cries to us about how distraught he is over her.. MEANWHILE he doesn't know that she couldn't care less and is out getting her swerve on.. I am so concerned that he is going to bug out on us.

If it were ME i would want to know... Id rather know that someone was looking out for me and they were wrong- rather than them NEVER telling me, ya know?