Do you agree Marriage is Hard

My one year anniversary is coming up and I'm thinking back at all the people that said 'the first year is the hardest'. We had some tough times since we didn't live together, but worked through them.

Any thoughts about having to 'work at your marriage'?

My first year has been wonderful so far BUT heck yeah marriage is hard! It takes work.

Think of it this way, if you weren't related to your parents or siblings. . . how many times would you have 'divorced' them in the past.

Every day you make a choice to work on your marriage. Being in love helps make things run smoother but it takes hard work to keep it all together.

I have only been married for 3 months so its hard to say.
We lived together before so we knew what eachother likes and dislikes.

As far as like chores around the house, i do the laundry when i feel like it. but we have a cleaning lady who comes once a week. And she does everything else so there is never any fighting about that.

As far as him working alot, he does but we also work together so its not like i cant go in his office and see him. But since the wedding he has been very busy but its been great for me because i enjoy my alone time and hanging with friends.

Because of his schedule i am not expected to have meals on the table ready for him. I have cooked a few times. but i dont make a habit of it. we usually fend for ourselves or we go out to a restaurant or order in.

Its only been 3 months lol so i still have a while to go!

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Posted by Soon2bMrsRP

I agree - I've only been married for less than a month - out of which we were living w/ MIL for 2 weeks and now we finally have our place. I definitely think Marriage is hard - Hoping to get the hang of it soon - any advice ladies?

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I realized in myself that I can't get mad at every little thing or else would be mad all the time. I like things perfect and life is not perfect. That is something I have to work on in myself. Sometimes I am fine with it, but sometime I get crazy about!

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Posted by dimples092907

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Posted by Soon2bMrsRP

I agree - I've only been married for less than a month - out of which we were living w/ MIL for 2 weeks and now we finally have our place. I definitely think Marriage is hard - Hoping to get the hang of it soon - any advice ladies?

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I realized in myself that I can't get mad at every little thing or else would be mad all the time. I like things perfect and life is not perfect. That is something I have to work on in myself. Sometimes I am fine with it, but sometime I get crazy about!

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I totally hear you - I realized DH and I are very different - I need to talk about each argument in order to get over it and he doesn't want to discuss AT ALL! I take that as he doesn't care to make me feel better or doesn't care that I'm upset - for him it's he's a guy - he'll get over it. 10 minutes after an argument he's fine.
Life is very different after marriage I feel - DH and I never lived together so this is a first and things just change

I don't feel like I have the right to give any advice since we are still so new. But, what I had a little trouble with is comparing myself to other couples. I have to focus on what works for US.

A few examples:

DH and I curse at eachother. A LOT. I will read on here or hear about IRL women who walk out on men bc they said FU to them once or something. SO for a while, if DH cursed I would get all mad and end the conversation and cry about he doesn't have respect blah blah blah. And he would be all baffled because I was the one two days before screaming obscenities at him over the phone. So, for us - profanity is no big deal and I shouldn't make it a big deal because I feel that it SHOULD be one.

In our home, I do EVERYTHING. I cook every night, I clean every week, I do all of the laundry, I pay all of the bills - everything. But you know what, I KNEW THAT coming into this marriage. So instead of expecting to see DH with a mop and bucket on SAturday morning, I just throw myself into my work and fully enjoy it. All I ask is that he appreciates me. This is NOT the case for most couples, but it works for us so that is how it will remain and we are both happy about it!

So just try to ignore what you see or hear around you and think about how you truly FEEL about the situation .

I've been married for a year and a half now---and I think marriage is wonderful. However that doesn't mean it can't be hard. Any relationship is work--you have to invest time and nurture it. Falling in love and having a fairytale wedding is easy--no matter how much we think its hard and stuff when we moaned and groaned on here planning our weddings--thats the easy & fun part!!

Being able to sustain the relationship after the novelty of being a 'Newlywed' goes away is what marriage is REALLY about. Keeping the spark alive and truly communicating to one another and working as a team is the key to success IMO. Sometimes that is the part that is the hardest for couples to realize after the wedding is over and you are trying to keep the relationship fresh and feeling as happy and energetic as when you first fell in love.

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Posted by Soon2bMrsRP

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Posted by dimples092907

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Posted by Soon2bMrsRP

I agree - I've only been married for less than a month - out of which we were living w/ MIL for 2 weeks and now we finally have our place. I definitely think Marriage is hard - Hoping to get the hang of it soon - any advice ladies?

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I realized in myself that I can't get mad at every little thing or else would be mad all the time. I like things perfect and life is not perfect. That is something I have to work on in myself. Sometimes I am fine with it, but sometime I get crazy about!

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I totally hear you - I realized DH and I are very different - I need to talk about each argument in order to get over it and he doesn't want to discuss AT ALL! I take that as he doesn't care to make me feel better or doesn't care that I'm upset - for him it's he's a guy - he'll get over it. 10 minutes after an argument he's fine.
Life is very different after marriage I feel - DH and I never lived together so this is a first and things just change

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WOW sounds like we have the same relationship!
I need to talk about everything and he needs to be alone for a while or sleep it off and he's fine. Makes me feel like he doesn't care. I guess it's true Men and Women are so different.

Wow - that's so true - about how you imagine things should be verses what the reality is and how you feel about it.

In terms of cooking and cleaning - I had told DH prior to getting married that I expected him to help me out. I have cooked for two nights for us and I have washed dishes after. He does nothing - he's just on his f-ing blackberry and it irritates the crap out of me. He knew my expectations - he just went back on his word about helping. I get it - he works later than me, but I have a job and a career also - I'm cooking for him - the least he could do is help me out a bit!!! ughh - frustration.

I hate going to bed angry and it seems like DH has no problem w/ that as that's when he chooses to pick a fight!

But your posting definitely makes me feel a lot better.

We have been married for almost a year and living together for over 2 years. Before that, we lived on our own and we were very independent people. It is work to adjust to someone else's peculiarities.

Overall, I would say marriage is a joy, but it does take work. Work that I am totally willing to do, but work nonetheless!

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Posted by Soon2bMrsRP

Wow - that's so true - about how you imagine things should be verses what the reality is and how you feel about it.

In terms of cooking and cleaning - I had told DH prior to getting married that I expected him to help me out. I have cooked for two nights for us and I have washed dishes after. He does nothing - he's just on his f-ing blackberry and it irritates the crap out of me. He knew my expectations - he just went back on his word about helping. I get it - he works later than me, but I have a job and a career also - I'm cooking for him - the least he could do is help me out a bit!!! ughh - frustration.

I hate going to bed angry and it seems like DH has no problem w/ that as that's when he chooses to pick a fight!

But your posting definitely makes me feel a lot better.

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It is nice to know there are people out there going through the same thing.

Yes and no... I looove sharing our finances even though I came into the marriage with more assets and will be making quite a bit more than DH beginning next year. We never really fought about money, but we'd alternate who would pay etc and its so much easier to just know it's all our money so it doesnt matter. We lived together for a little over a year beforehand, so not much has changed in that respect... we just have cooler stuff in our apartment.

what has been tough (really tough) is trying to figure out what we're going to do when I graduate in May, what job I'll take, and what city we will live in. This has been extremely stressful, and would have been stressful had we just been dating, or just been engaged as well -- I think it's more of a stressful situation that because of timing came up during our marriage. We will figure things out and no matter what happens we'll be OK. Just hard to have this giant obstacle/issue to deal with during your first month of marriage

Edit: I do most of the cooking (which I enjoy) although DH helps too. We both knew going into this marriage (and even going into living together) that I am horrible about cleaning, but I've been making more of an effort and we split that 50/50 or maybe DH does more. We'll probably get a cleaning lady once I start working.

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Posted by ant n tilde

I don't feel like I have the right to give any advice since we are still so new. But, what I had a little trouble with is comparing myself to other couples. I have to focus on what works for US.

A few examples:

DH and I curse at eachother. A LOT. I will read on here or hear about IRL women who walk out on men bc they said FU to them once or something. SO for a while, if DH cursed I would get all mad and end the conversation and cry about he doesn't have respect blah blah blah. And he would be all baffled because I was the one two days before screaming obscenities at him over the phone. So, for us - profanity is no big deal and I shouldn't make it a big deal because I feel that it SHOULD be one.

In our home, I do EVERYTHING. I cook every night, I clean every week, I do all of the laundry, I pay all of the bills - everything. But you know what, I KNEW THAT coming into this marriage. So instead of expecting to see DH with a mop and bucket on SAturday morning, I just throw myself into my work and fully enjoy it. All I ask is that he appreciates me. This is NOT the case for most couples, but it works for us so that is how it will remain and we are both happy about it!

So just try to ignore what you see or hear around you and think about how you truly FEEL about the situation .

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I think the most important thing is exactly what you said 'i knew that coming into this marriage' is cooking everyday, doing laundry all the time and cleaning a bit annoying at times-YES but then you cant go into marriage not knowing you will do this, and yes some ppl don't but usually both should know this, not where a man expects a home cooked meal more often but she never wants to cook, he should know what to expect and she should also talk to him in this case bc if she has no plans of this then let it be known. And yes paying all the bills yourself and handling everything is hard but again, when you decide to get married you know this and should be expected so prepare yourself ahead of time.

Like you said, every couple is different and what works for some won't work for others. But you should know what to expect from eachother. I guess this is where it becomes difficult for some people when first moving in together. No offense to anyone, but sometimes i read what ppl have trouble with when first moving in and I think 'well didn't you know that about them already' and again SOME situations not all. I knew my DH is OCD and that he has to have things in a certain way. I am the opposite of this but i knew beforehand that there are some things i'll have to stop doing and be more conscious of, even something small as which way to face the hanger in the closet, which way to fold a shirt. And it was something i was willing to do and prepared for. Otherwise it would've been a disaster when moving in together, and probably alot of arguements. I just have to adjust some things i do, and he also has to do the same.

And have reasonable expectations. Don't expect someone who never cooks to all of a sudden start cooking everynight once they are married, some men do and the woman just doesn't want to. Don't expect a guy to become a neat freak and clean up after himself all the time if he never has, it wont change drastically overnight just bc you are married. In my case dh is the neat freak and i do make some changes with how i do things but there are some things that remain the same

We've been married about 6 months, but we lived together a few years before we even got engaged and since so we worked out all our 'living together' and finance issues years before we got married. We're also expecting our first child that will be born before our first wedding anniversary so that's a whole nother issue, but as huge as it is, it hasn't really affected us except made us happier and more bonded. But I think that's because our base was so strong to begin with.

That said, we still argue from time to time. I think the biggest thing we've learned over time is to 1-to learn HOW to argue, and learn HOW to better communicate with each other. The learning how part definitely take effort, but once we learned it became must less frustrating and now, we seriously rarely if ever argue. Do we get into random tiffs every now and again? Sure, but we really don't fight because it never gets that far because our communication has evolved so much throughout the years of living together. Also 2- we pick our battles. Kind of an offshoot to learning how to better communicate but after awhile we just learned to let things go and that yeah we might be annoyed in that moment but it passes so quickly and is truly forgotten, that it's not worth even having a discussion over that could turn into a fight.

Could this all change when the baby actually comes? Sure.....check back with me next year around this time.

ETA: One thing we truly feel that I think is huge is that we both know that we are a TEAM. We are on each other sides through thick and thin....we may anger each other, but we are always there for each other, without agenda. It's trust and communication that helps the most...and love of course.

well I've only been married for 10 days but we have been living together for 3 years. It does take work but its not like its something you dont want to do. It takes time and patience to consider someone elses feelings and to work through things. Thats how I feel about marriage being work - your not just one person, your two and you will always have to consider that. Its about making things work b/c you care about each other.

And yes while the first year was the 'honeymoon' it did take the most adjusting!

everything takes work but i can't say it's been hard so far. when i think it's about to get hard, he does something totally out of the blue to make it easier. like i've been such a lazy POS lately; have had a whole month without a day off between work and school. I haven't cooked or cleaned or done laundry. On sunday I went to school for 7 hrs then came into work for 5 hours. Got home around 10pm, totally sad and depressed. He had gone food shopping, done laundry, made dinner, waited for me until 10 to eat, and bought me flowers. my DH is no romantic, so when i saw all this I was floored and instantly reminded myself to not be such a PITA. I've gotten better b/c i don't want to be a nag. I've also learned to live in a messier apartment b/c he's a slob. Messy, but not dirty.

I don't think it's hard but like others said know when to pick your battles. it was hard at first for me to get used to his messiness and that he never cleans up after himself and the amount of laundry i was suddenly doing, then HE started to suddenly do it without me even asking. and other little things. it also helps that we are on the same page about a lot of things like money, kids, a house.

The hardest part right now is not seeing each other enough b/c of my schedule, but according to him absence makes the heart grow fonder. yea, he loves me.

I dont think its hard. DH and I have had a lot of practice. We were together almost 7 years when we got married so the only thing that changed was we got a certificate saying were married Of course we fight but we both have enough space from eachother that I feel we get to miss eachother. And thats important to me.