Family Financial Issues...update

So, I recently had my first in-law issue, where I'm not completely comfortable with things...quick story...One of dh's bro's is having some $ issues right now...this isn't the 1st time, and, as much as I hate to say it, it could've been easily avoided. But at this point, what's done is done. DH and I are the youngest, and the ones without kids right now...Financially, we're in a good position, and recently have been able to do a lot of things for ourselves that I know some people can't. His bro asked him to co-sign a loan, and I just can't support it 100%. I get that it's family, and I couldn't say no either, but, I'm just not comfortable with this at all...I'm concerned about things down the road and how this could affect us if things go really south for them...I think part of my issue is that close family members of mine are having financial issues too, but it's not like we jumped in to save them...

Sorry to vent...it's just really bothering me...

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First, I just wanted to say thanks to you all for your words of advice...and, it doesn't look like the cosigning is happening, so that's a good thing...partly because of my feelings, but also because a financial advisor told him it probably wouldn't work...

So thanks again!

money is always a tough subject espcecially when family is involved. You have every right to feel the way that you do.

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Posted by Songstress

Ooh thats a tough one. Especially considering how bad the economy is right now with insurance companies and banks. I dont think Id want to get involved with any kind of loan at this point. Is there any option to say no?? I know its family but in any event that hisbrother doesnt pay this loan you guys are screwed. And its not right.

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Believe me - that's my fear exactly...and I said pretty much that to dh - that i understand it's family, but I don't support it at all...we both work in finance, so I see this economy falling apart daily. It scares me to think that at a time like this, we'll be bringing something else negative onto our plate...ughhhhh

10000000% stand your ground and to NOT let your DH co-sign the loan for his brother. i don't care if the family thinks you are an evil wench for it---in the end the OTHERS don't have to deal with the financial repercussions if he doesn't pay the loan.

remember--he's in his financial troubles FOR A REASON and now that's he's messed up HIS credit, he needs someone to help him. let someone else be the sucker...you should not have to worry for the next FIVE YEARS whether or not the payments are being made on time and such. sure its family--but business is business. and i refuse to have my credit jacked up cause of a financially irresponsible relative. if people keep enabling him by co-signing loans and such--guess what? he'll never learn! i know he will say to his bro (your DH) -- 'but i would do it for YOU' actually you dont' HAVE to do it for me, cause i have the smarts to make sure my finances are in order! so remember, anything he says will be to maniuplate your DH to sign the loan. i would make sure your DH knows that if he signs the papers--serious problems will arise between you two.

i'm sure some might not agree with me--but sorry i wouldn't co-sign a loan for a family member that could have easily avoided their financial mess. nope--i had my share of financial issues with credit when i was younger but i got out of them ON MY OWN and learned my lesson. let your BIL learn his!

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Posted by Songstress

Ooh thats a tough one. Especially considering how bad the economy is right now with insurance companies and banks. I dont think Id want to get involved with any kind of loan at this point. Is there any option to say no?? I know its family but in any event that hisbrother doesnt pay this loan you guys are screwed. And its not right.

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I agree.... if I was in your position I would want to run far far away from the loan. Are you definitely going to do it?

that is a very tough decision. Normally my instinct is to help but i also know first hand how it can just get ugly. Money is a touchy subject and can cause problems.

my parents gave my aunt a big loan to get out of a horrible financial situation. Was gonna get evicted and all that so of course my parents tried to help out especially bc of my 2 younger cousins. Well ALL the money was used for everything but what it was supposed to be used for. Found out she played the stock market online and lost most of it that way in one night. Its been years and my parents havent seen a dime back. And now that they hit some hard financial times you would think they'd try to pay some of it back but they haven't, it upsets me to think about this. Not even any attempt has been made or at least a small portion of the money given back.

can you tell them that if you want to buy something in the future, it will be hard to do so if your dh co-signed on something else

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Posted by jillyb97

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Posted by Songstress

Ooh thats a tough one. Especially considering how bad the economy is right now with insurance companies and banks. I dont think Id want to get involved with any kind of loan at this point. Is there any option to say no?? I know its family but in any event that hisbrother doesnt pay this loan you guys are screwed. And its not right.

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Believe me - that's my fear exactly...and I said pretty much that to dh - that i understand it's family, but I don't support it at all...we both work in finance, so I see this economy falling apart daily. It scares me to think that at a time like this, we'll be bringing something else negative onto our plate...ughhhhh

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Exactly. So since you both work in finance maybe you can use the fact that you see the financial turmoil the country is in and let him know it wont be the greatest idea for anyone to be involved with loans right now. I really dont think you should do this for him at all. You really need to convince your DH to say no. As hard as its going to be.

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Posted by MJDoc12

10000000% stand your ground and to NOT let your DH co-sign the loan for his brother. i don't care if the family thinks you are an evil wench for it---in the end the OTHERS don't have to deal with the financial repercussions if he doesn't pay the loan.

remember--he's in his financial troubles FOR A REASON and now that's he's messed up HIS credit, he needs someone to help him. let someone else be the sucker...you should not have to worry for the next FIVE YEARS whether or not the payments are being made on time and such. sure its family--but business is business. and i refuse to have my credit jacked up cause of a financially irresponsible relative. if people keep enabling him by co-signing loans and such--guess what? he'll never learn! i know he will say to his bro (your DH) -- 'but i would do it for YOU' actually you dont' HAVE to do it for me, cause i have the smarts to make sure my finances are in order! so remember, anything he says will be to maniuplate your DH to sign the loan. i would make sure your DH knows that if he signs the papers--serious problems will arise between you two.

i'm sure some might not agree with me--but sorry i wouldn't co-sign a loan for a family member that could have easily avoided their financial mess. nope--i had my share of financial issues with credit when i was younger but i got out of them ON MY OWN and learned my lesson. let your BIL learn his!

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I completely understand - and agree - with what you've said...I told dh he needs to find out more info on all of this...

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Posted by Espo22

that is a very tough decision. Normally my instinct is to help but i also know first hand how it can just get ugly. Money is a touchy subject and can cause problems.

my parents gave my aunt a big loan to get out of a horrible financial situation. Was gonna get evicted and all that so of course my parents tried to help out especially bc of my 2 younger cousins. Well ALL the money was used for everything but what it was supposed to be used for. Found out she played the stock market online and lost most of it that way in one night. Its been years and my parents havent seen a dime back. And now that they hit some hard financial times you would think they'd try to pay some of it back but they haven't, it upsets me to think about this. Not even any attempt has been made or at least a small portion of the money given back.

can you tell them that if you want to buy something in the future, it will be hard to do so if your dh co-signed on something else

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See that's the thing - we just bought a house, a car, and everything to go with that stuff...so I can't think of anything feasible that we would need to get a loan on ourselves right now...BUT...i did say that sure, we don't have kids RIGHT NOW...but in a yr or two, who knows...and I don't want to be stuck not being able to do things for us because of this...

Like you said, my first instinct too is to help, that's just how I am...so it's tough for me to even be thinking the opposite side of it...and it's not like we having a money tree growing in our backyard that's supporting us...we both bust our butts at work...the other part that I have a hard time swallowing is that his wife doesn't work...if $$ is that tight, then shouldn't a part time job or something be thought about???

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Posted by jillyb97

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Posted by Espo22

that is a very tough decision. Normally my instinct is to help but i also know first hand how it can just get ugly. Money is a touchy subject and can cause problems.

my parents gave my aunt a big loan to get out of a horrible financial situation. Was gonna get evicted and all that so of course my parents tried to help out especially bc of my 2 younger cousins. Well ALL the money was used for everything but what it was supposed to be used for. Found out she played the stock market online and lost most of it that way in one night. Its been years and my parents havent seen a dime back. And now that they hit some hard financial times you would think they'd try to pay some of it back but they haven't, it upsets me to think about this. Not even any attempt has been made or at least a small portion of the money given back.

can you tell them that if you want to buy something in the future, it will be hard to do so if your dh co-signed on something else

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See that's the thing - we just bought a house, a car, and everything to go with that stuff...so I can't think of anything feasible that we would need to get a loan on ourselves right now...BUT...i did say that sure, we don't have kids RIGHT NOW...but in a yr or two, who knows...and I don't want to be stuck not being able to do things for us because of this...

Like you said, my first instinct too is to help, that's just how I am...so it's tough for me to even be thinking the opposite side of it...and it's not like we having a money tree growing in our backyard that's supporting us...we both bust our butts at work...the other part that I have a hard time swallowing is that his wife doesn't work...if $$ is that tight, then shouldn't a part time job or something be thought about???

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i dont think you need to have something now to buy to feel this way. They should understand that anything can come up and by having him co-sign then that can change things for you. Maybe tell him first that you have to see how this would effect you. Maybe tell him you're afraid of this showing up on your credit report too and on top of having a house, car under your name which shows as loans youre afraid this will also go on top of that, which it can effect you.

I obviously dont know their situation, but I would be upset if his wife didn't work (assuming she wasn't a SAHM) and they weren't trying everything they could to fix things on their own.

I know this isn't the most appealing option either, but have you considered lending them money yourselves? You'd have to go into this with the notion that you would never be seeing the money again, but at least your credit wouldn't be on the line and you wouldn't have to worry about whether they made their payments and what they do for the next 5 years. It might help them out, and you never know, there's a chance they might pay you back one day, but it's a different type of risk (and one you might prefer).

You know it's a bad idea to co-sign on the loan.... what a hard situation

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Posted by Espo22

i dont think you need to have something now to buy to feel this way. They should understand that anything can come up and by having him co-sign then that can change things for you. Maybe tell him first that you have to see how this would effect you. Maybe tell him you're afraid of this showing up on your credit report too and on top of having a house, car under your name which shows as loans youre afraid this will also go on top of that, which it can effect you.

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I know...and I said pretty much all of that too...dh gets it, and completely understands where my concerns are coming from, but it keeps going back to the fact that it's his brother...

I really feel horrible about it all...it's making me sad and annoyed / angry at the same time...(probably doesn't help any that I'm pmsing ) but I feel so torn - morally I feel like helping family is what I'm supposed to do...but my brain is telling me it isn't...

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Posted by bluegreen08

I obviously dont know their situation, but I would be upset if his wife didn't work (assuming she wasn't a SAHM) and they weren't trying everything they could to fix things on their own.

I know this isn't the most appealing option either, but have you considered lending them money yourselves? You'd have to go into this with the notion that you would never be seeing the money again, but at least your credit wouldn't be on the line and you wouldn't have to worry about whether they made their payments and what they do for the next 5 years. It might help them out, and you never know, there's a chance they might pay you back one day, but it's a different type of risk (and one you might prefer).

You know it's a bad idea to co-sign on the loan.... what a hard situation

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Well, she WAS...but the last of the kids just entered college...(I'm taking a deep breath as I right this, cause it's really starting to frustrate me...) Of course, I didn't think about this whole aspect of it until after my mind start running through it all after my convo with dh...

And about the lending...I agree that it would be a good idea...problem is, and I know that once some people read this they will just say how much more the co-signing shouldn't happen - dh already did that...and still hasn't gotten it back...

I just feel like this is a situation I really didn't want to deal with in my 1st yr of marriage - let alone 1st 2 months!!!

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Posted by jillyb97

I just feel like this is a situation I really didn't want to deal with in my 1st yr of marriage - let alone 1st 2 months!!!

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Youre right. I think its extremely selfish of someone to ask for loan when you JUST GOT MARRIED. That is just unbelievable.

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Posted by jillyb97

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Posted by bluegreen08

I obviously dont know their situation, but I would be upset if his wife didn't work (assuming she wasn't a SAHM) and they weren't trying everything they could to fix things on their own.

I know this isn't the most appealing option either, but have you considered lending them money yourselves? You'd have to go into this with the notion that you would never be seeing the money again, but at least your credit wouldn't be on the line and you wouldn't have to worry about whether they made their payments and what they do for the next 5 years. It might help them out, and you never know, there's a chance they might pay you back one day, but it's a different type of risk (and one you might prefer).

You know it's a bad idea to co-sign on the loan.... what a hard situation

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Well, she WAS...but the last of the kids just entered college...(I'm taking a deep breath as I right this, cause it's really starting to frustrate me...) Of course, I didn't think about this whole aspect of it until after my mind start running through it all after my convo with dh...

And about the lending...I agree that it would be a good idea...problem is, and I know that once some people read this they will just say how much more the co-signing shouldn't happen - dh already did that...and still hasn't gotten it back...

I just feel like this is a situation I really didn't want to deal with in my 1st yr of marriage - let alone 1st 2 months!!!

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I dont think the lending is a good idea (you're not getting it back) but I think it has less of a potential for long term damage than co-signing on the loan. If you've already lent him money and haven't gotten it back then I really think you have already exceeded your obligations. when they ask, say you have helped out as best as you could, and you cant sacrifice more of your money or your credit. you can help them find a financial counselor or someone who can get them back on track, but you'll have to sit this one out on the sidelines.

for some reason i thought i read that its for a car loan and re-read it and see it doesn't mention what kind of loan it is.

what exactly kind of loan is this for? a personal? auto? mortgage? business?

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Posted by Songstress

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Posted by jillyb97

I just feel like this is a situation I really didn't want to deal with in my 1st yr of marriage - let alone 1st 2 months!!!

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Youre right. I think its extremely selfish of someone to ask for loan when you JUST GOT MARRIED. That is just unbelievable.

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I mean seriously - I'm still getting used to the word husband! and a new last name!!!

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Posted by jillyb97

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Posted by Songstress

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Posted by jillyb97

I just feel like this is a situation I really didn't want to deal with in my 1st yr of marriage - let alone 1st 2 months!!!

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Youre right. I think its extremely selfish of someone to ask for loan when you JUST GOT MARRIED. That is just unbelievable.

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I mean seriously - I'm still getting used to the word husband! and a new last name!!!

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I agree your DH says 'but it's my brother' but maybe his brother should of thought about not putting this on HIS brother...I think it's good to help family when you can but there is only so much you can do. You said your DH already gave him $$??? I think that is more then enough help especially since you haven't gotten it back. At some point ppl need to take responsibility for themselves...