Feelings hurt and need advice....LONG

I have a friend that I have been friends with since HS (10+ years) who came to Italy for my wedding.

I honestly don't know why she even came....

Our friendship had been 'losing steam' for a while, but it seemed we both were making attempts to keep it going. She seemed excited at times about coming to the wedding, but not for the right reasons. She seemed more excited about taking a trip to Italy with her new BF than coming to my wedding.
She never once was involved with plans, never called to ask questions, see how I was etc....I asked her to go to dress fittings and other appt's and she was always busy!!
No big deal, I tried not to take it personally and realize that her life didn't revolve around my wedding.

Well fast forward to Italy....I called her hotel and left message that if she wanted to come early to the villa where I was getting ready the morning of the wedding, it would mean a lot. She never came and never mentioned it - and yes, I know she got the message.

She never once, at the wedding, said anything nice about how I looked or about the wedding in general and barely even spoke to me.

Throughout the trip, she was bent on forging friendships with my DH's family....cousins, friends, even his sisters all the while ignoring me.

Now - that we are back, we haven't spoken since the wedding....I am yet to even receive a CARD!!!!!...and to make matters worse, she has started contacting DH's cousins, sisters etc...asking them about getting toegether!!!!!!!
Can you believe that???? She wants to hang out with my new family!!!!!
(sidenote - none of them have taken her up on the offer and think she's a bit crazy- but still!)

I am so hurt!! and even though everyone says it's jealousy.....I am so pre-occupied by her hurtful behavior!!!!

I am sorry you are hurt but I dont understand her behavior to be honest with you. If you are very close with her I would ask why she has not called you. Maybe there is a misunderstanding that you are not aware of.

If you are not close w/ her anymore or in the past I would leave the ball in her court to contact you for GTG's

I think its fair to say that most single people are not very interested in wedding details so I would take her silence as any sign good or bad.

But her other behavior sounds a strange to me. Like why would she spend a good deal of money and time to go to your wedding if she had no interest in your friendship?

I think you need to ask yourself: Is this girl still a friend to me? Does she hold up her part of the friendship? If she is not, why do I agonize over it?

Sometimes I think looking into our own reasons for keeping a relationship helps us reveal the other persons motivation. Maybe she is just having a hard time with your recent marriage for whatever reason and she needs a little space - which is reasonable and you can just distance yourself emotionally until she is over it. Maybe she is not a friend to you at all but just a 'hanger' on - in which case you should just cut yourself off from her emotionally and treat her with the same priority she treats you.

But her other behavior sounds a strange to me. Like why would she spend a good deal of money and time to go to your wedding if she had no interest in your friendship?

***This is what I don't understand.....why spend all that money, bring your new boyfriend, just to make a POINT out of giving me the cold shoulder the whole time!!! I just don't get it!

I think you need to ask yourself: Is this girl still a friend to me? Does she hold up her part of the friendship? If she is not, why do I agonize over it?

***This is something I have been thinking about quite a bit lately and although it's sad, I am coming to the conclusion that she really doesn't hold up her end of the friendship and I spend more time being frustrated by it than anything else....

I guess it's just hard seeing a 10yr. friendship dissolve and not know why.....

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Posted by Sage10.03


Throughout the trip, she was bent on forging friendships with my DH's family....cousins, friends, even his sisters all the while ignoring me.

..and to make matters worse, she has started contacting DH's cousins, sisters etc...asking them about getting toegether!!!!!!!
Can you believe that???? She wants to hang out with my new family!!!!!
(sidenote - none of them have taken her up on the offer and think she's a bit crazy- but still!)

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Why?

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Posted by jennbaby

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Posted by Sage10.03


Throughout the trip, she was bent on forging friendships with my DH's family....cousins, friends, even his sisters all the while ignoring me.

..and to make matters worse, she has started contacting DH's cousins, sisters etc...asking them about getting toegether!!!!!!!
Can you believe that???? She wants to hang out with my new family!!!!!
(sidenote - none of them have taken her up on the offer and think she's a bit crazy- but still!)

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Why?

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Your guess is as good as mine!!!

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Posted by Sage10.03

I have a friend that I have been friends with since HS (10+ years) who came to Italy for my wedding.

I honestly don't know why she even came....

Our friendship had been 'losing steam' for a while, but it seemed we both were making attempts to keep it going. She seemed excited at times about coming to the wedding, but not for the right reasons. She seemed more excited about taking a trip to Italy with her new BF than coming to my wedding.
She never once was involved with plans, never called to ask questions, see how I was etc....I asked her to go to dress fittings and other appt's and she was always busy!!
No big deal, I tried not to take it personally and realize that her life didn't revolve around my wedding.

Well fast forward to Italy....I called her hotel and left message that if she wanted to come early to the villa where I was getting ready the morning of the wedding, it would mean a lot. She never came and never mentioned it - and yes, I know she got the message.

She never once, at the wedding, said anything nice about how I looked or about the wedding in general and barely even spoke to me.

Throughout the trip, she was bent on forging friendships with my DH's family....cousins, friends, even his sisters all the while ignoring me.

Now - that we are back, we haven't spoken since the wedding....I am yet to even receive a CARD!!!!!...and to make matters worse, she has started contacting DH's cousins, sisters etc...asking them about getting toegether!!!!!!!
Can you believe that???? She wants to hang out with my new family!!!!!
(sidenote - none of them have taken her up on the offer and think she's a bit crazy- but still!)

I am so hurt!! and even though everyone says it's jealousy.....I am so pre-occupied by her hurtful behavior!!!!

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I am soo sorry that you are going through this.. Could she be jealous, you think?

sounds really weird....did you confront her yet? SOunds like she just wanted to take a trip to Italy. Ask her. I would be very up front. I cannot stand not knowing and esp rude people like that!

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Posted by MarcellaBella

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Posted by Sage10.03

I have a friend that I have been friends with since HS (10+ years) who came to Italy for my wedding.

I honestly don't know why she even came....

Our friendship had been 'losing steam' for a while, but it seemed we both were making attempts to keep it going. She seemed excited at times about coming to the wedding, but not for the right reasons. She seemed more excited about taking a trip to Italy with her new BF than coming to my wedding.
She never once was involved with plans, never called to ask questions, see how I was etc....I asked her to go to dress fittings and other appt's and she was always busy!!
No big deal, I tried not to take it personally and realize that her life didn't revolve around my wedding.

Well fast forward to Italy....I called her hotel and left message that if she wanted to come early to the villa where I was getting ready the morning of the wedding, it would mean a lot. She never came and never mentioned it - and yes, I know she got the message.

She never once, at the wedding, said anything nice about how I looked or about the wedding in general and barely even spoke to me.

Throughout the trip, she was bent on forging friendships with my DH's family....cousins, friends, even his sisters all the while ignoring me.

Now - that we are back, we haven't spoken since the wedding....I am yet to even receive a CARD!!!!!...and to make matters worse, she has started contacting DH's cousins, sisters etc...asking them about getting toegether!!!!!!!
Can you believe that???? She wants to hang out with my new family!!!!!
(sidenote - none of them have taken her up on the offer and think she's a bit crazy- but still!)

I am so hurt!! and even though everyone says it's jealousy.....I am so pre-occupied by her hurtful behavior!!!!

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I am soo sorry that you are going through this.. Could she be jealous, you think?

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I honestly think it might be jealousy...she was living with someone and the realtionship seemed to be heading towards marriage, and then it ended suddenly (by his choice) and ever since then, it honestly bothers her to see other people happy!

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Posted by Kathy116

Her wanting to hang out with your new family and NOT YOU is very strange, and sounds like she's trying to hurt you. Maybe it's fueled by jealousy....I just hope it gets resolved.

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Kathy - I know...it is VERY strange and bothers me a lot.
I could handle her not wanting to be friend anymore if she so chooses, but to try and start up friendships with my new family just to get under my skin?
That's manipulative IMO.

I am trying so hard not to let it get to me, but lately it's been on my mind a lot.

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Posted by Sage10.03

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Posted by MarcellaBella

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Posted by Sage10.03

I have a friend that I have been friends with since HS (10+ years) who came to Italy for my wedding.

I honestly don't know why she even came....

Our friendship had been 'losing steam' for a while, but it seemed we both were making attempts to keep it going. She seemed excited at times about coming to the wedding, but not for the right reasons. She seemed more excited about taking a trip to Italy with her new BF than coming to my wedding.
She never once was involved with plans, never called to ask questions, see how I was etc....I asked her to go to dress fittings and other appt's and she was always busy!!
No big deal, I tried not to take it personally and realize that her life didn't revolve around my wedding.

Well fast forward to Italy....I called her hotel and left message that if she wanted to come early to the villa where I was getting ready the morning of the wedding, it would mean a lot. She never came and never mentioned it - and yes, I know she got the message.

She never once, at the wedding, said anything nice about how I looked or about the wedding in general and barely even spoke to me.

Throughout the trip, she was bent on forging friendships with my DH's family....cousins, friends, even his sisters all the while ignoring me.

Now - that we are back, we haven't spoken since the wedding....I am yet to even receive a CARD!!!!!...and to make matters worse, she has started contacting DH's cousins, sisters etc...asking them about getting toegether!!!!!!!
Can you believe that???? She wants to hang out with my new family!!!!!
(sidenote - none of them have taken her up on the offer and think she's a bit crazy- but still!)

I am so hurt!! and even though everyone says it's jealousy.....I am so pre-occupied by her hurtful behavior!!!!

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I am soo sorry that you are going through this.. Could she be jealous, you think?

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I honestly think it might be jealousy...she was living with someone and the realtionship seemed to be heading towards marriage, and then it ended suddenly (by his choice) and ever since then, it honestly bothers her to see other people happy!

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Well, you don't need that.. there is nothing WORSE, then a JEALOUS friend.. I've had a fair share, so I know where you are coming from... It's best for you to just cut that person out..

Thanks Marcella -
I pretty much agree...and had come to that decision as well.
I just have a hard time letting go of being hurt...but I guess that's my own issue.

THanks!

Aw Sage, I know how you feel
Unfortunatley some friendships eventually run out of steam, and then it's time to let them go
Better now than later when she may do something worse that hurts you even more.

Feel better

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but that's a part of the whole wedding process, some friends will drop and some will become stronger.

During my wedding I had so much drama around me that it was just sickening! Most of the girls in my bridal party were unsupportive and everything they did for me was a hassle, from picking up dresses to planning my bridal shower. None of them planned a bachelorette party for me or anything - toward our wedding day I just wanted to get married and a get away from all the cattiness. Where friendships were concerned it was a really sad ride for me. For the most part I've let it go, but whenever I think of all the nasty things those women did to me it's hurtful. I had 7 girls and most of them I no longer speak to. Its a sad thing, but when you are getting married, you almost have to plan on some friendships breaking off.

There's so many emotions going on when a person gets married.

Thank you all for being so supportive....I really appreciate all the advice, and basically being a sounding-board!

You all are the best!!!

ETA: Tracy - I am sorry to you as well...that you had these things happen to you! It's awful to feel hurt and disappointed by your closest friends!

hm....this is one for a super sleuth for sure.

jealousy does strange things to people. it does sound to me like maybe your marriage has hit a strange chord for her and she's not sure how to handle herself in light of it. The part that makes me sad about this is that she went to Italy. Which makes me feel like she tried to make the effort to put one foot in front of the other in squashing her jealousy.

I mean - this is all speculation - hell maybe she wanted an excuse to go to Italy who knows. I just think she had intentions of being nice there and forging a relationship with YOU again, and instead probably was overcome a bit by that damn green bug (jealousy) and found herself reaching out in all the wrong directions.

Why don't you talk to her about it? Maybe it's not a relationship to just toss off....maybe it is...but you should ask her and open the road of communication so that you can always know you tried.

sounds like jealousy to me, if you feel that this friendship is worth it maybe you should talk to her about it, if not then move on and honestly don't waste your time.

Life changes and so do friendships, sometimes people just turn out not be worth another minute of your time.

Real friends should be happy for you not jealous

Jessie

Why not confront her????

I am so lucky to have special friends and those who aren't so special I cut them off...
I hold noone close to me that doesn't love and has ill feelings towards Ron or I!..

Love YOu!