forget it

lisa...I was just about to write

I care about your problems!!

I care! What's the matter???

Well then and and an ear to listen!

I just saw this thread and it was gone.

Firstly I am sorry you are going through this.


I feel like we are very similar in the sense that we always want to do the right thing and it p*iss*es us off when no one sees the trouble we go too.

It seems as though your SIL sees what an organized on top of things woman you seem to be and resents it, so what does she do- she tries to sabatoge you .

I know you do not want to go to the Christening but as a member of the family and to keep peace with the DH you may have to.

My advice is from now on, let them plan things on their own, let them fall on their faces and then they will learn how important it is to be organized and on top of things.

Don't worry Lisa...bad days are allowed...

I would go to the christening though...another GTG maybe?

Erica - that made me laugh! that's the best reason to go so far!

thanks nrvbvd - your response made me feel better. It does sound like we're alike. I know I should go, and I probably will for Al. But I don't think it would matter much to the rest of them. His other sister (also in CA) will probably be coming in without her husband.

Al just sent me a note saying that he appreciates that I want to be involved in his family. He's very supportive and is trying increase awareness with his family. He thinks things will get better with time.

It just seems like we're always the ones making the effort - we fly to NY all the time for family events, yet his family never comes here! They didn't even come to the wedding celebration we had here (meanwhile my parents and sister flew in, and have visited numerous times). Saddest thing is his two sisters work for airlines and fly practically for nothing!

here's the original vent:
I'm very hurt by my SIL right now. She has a habit of excluding me in family communications - even when I'm the one that started the topic. Most recently, I sent an email to her, my BIL and Al about figuring out the expenses for the anniversary party (I helped and laid out some money for favors and decorations, and BIL paid the restaurant bill - but we needed to even out the costs). I sent the email 2 weeks ago, and got no response. Today I ask Al if we should pay the photograher bill or if SIL (who hasn't paid anything) is taking care of that.

So he calls her and finds out she 'attempted' to send HIM an email about this. Meanwhile, we never got the email cause she typed the address wrong - she could have just hit REPLY to the one I sent. I was totally taken out of the loop.

This isn't the first time things like this have happened. His mother will tell me one story and then tell her kids something else (the truth I guess)I feel like I'm allowed to be involved in things only up to a certain point and then I get shut out. To me, being part of a family means being involved, but I don't know how much of an option that is with this family.

So, I'm sad and hurt and disappointed. And wondering how to behave going forward. Do I just stop putting forth the effort? Al let his sister know I was disppointed, but its not the first time it happened, I'm sure it won't be the last.

I told Al I'm staying out of everything now and since I don't share equal footing as part of the family, why should I bother? His family is a bunch of last minute planners that drive me crazy to deal with anyway - and his sister is so used to controlling the family, that she's not used to checking in with anyone else.

We have a baptism for his nephew in April in NY (his godson) - I'm thinking of having him go without me. Thats $350 we could use elsewhere - especially since I'm not working.

We were just there for his parents anniversary! Think they could have combined events into the same weekend to make it easier on us? NO.

so, how bad is it for me not to go? My parents are invited but can't make it

I would say that you have to go. If you don't, then you are excluding yourself, which may make them all too happy.
Also, the more you give, and the more gracious you are, the better you look in the long run. I think it's always better to be the one who comes up smelling like a rose!

Sorry to hear about this - weren't you just in NY for a family reunion on his side of the family? Now you'll be back in April? You should start asking them to chip in your airfare JUST KIDDING!!!

It's not fun to feel left out, but since it's family, and it'll probably do more harm then good to not go.

Maybe Al could speak with his family, and nicely remind them that it's hard for both of you to travel to NY for every event. Maybe he can suggest what you mentioned, about combining the events once in a while if possible. If the rest of his family lives in the area, they might not even be considering how you both feel.

That IS ironic that his sisters could get awesome deals on airlines though - you'd think they'd use them a bit more

sorry to hear your going thru all that
will your husband be upset if you dont go? If he will then you should go

seriously Teri - its ridiculous!

his other sister (and her family) are in CA too (by LA). Originally, all of our airfare was going to be added into the expenses for the anniversary party (since it wouldn't be as special if we weren't all there), but then his brother decided he didn't want to do that. (who's he to decide?) it was his sister (the one in NY) who suggested it in the first place! Ugh - they aggrevate me.

we did suggest to his sister while planning the anniversary party that it would be great to have the baptism that weekend too, but she ignored us.

They're good people, but VERY different from my family. You'd think I was the first in-law! Both of his sisters are married. Now I understand why my SIL's husband jokes about us being the 'outlaws'

I agree & I have a SIL that is the same if not worse. You will go with your husband(looking beautiful as usual) and being your gracious self and she will still be a b*tch. I understand your feelings totally-unfortunatly our poor husbands & the rest of their families are accustomed to putting up with these controlling yet needy women so it's best if we just go with flow. I've decided not to try to put the 'fun' in my hubbys dis-fun-ctional family.
Like my therapist always says 'will this issue be important in one year?'
I feel for you, but try not to give her the satifaction of hurting you

Al's good. He told his sister I was hurt. She felt bad that I felt bad.

But its not the first time and I doubt it will be the last. This was just the final straw on all these negative feelings I've been having towards his family.

The thing with letting them plan on their own is - whatever they come up with will be representative of me too, and I don't like what they come up with. Thats what makes it especially hard to stay out of it. They just don't understand the little things that make things extra special.