Holiday Hell

This is I think one of the trickiest parts of being a NW. So I figured I'd post it over here. It's also one of the trickiest parts of expecting a baby - so expect to see this re-posted on Parenting for maximum advice.

My MIL lives in NYC. We see her quite often. My BIL and SIL live in Jersey with their kids. We see them often as well. In general, my husband's whole family lives in Jersey and we see them all on a regular basis.

My parents retired to Cape Cod in January. My older sister , 4 kids in way up CT, my little sister and hubby in Westchester.

Okay - long story short. We have always spent holidays apart. Because neither Mom would give it 'over' and I just never wanted the fight. For the first time last year, as we had just gotten married, we decided after 10 years, time to stay together on holidays, right? So the chaos began. My mom wanted us on Christmas Eve (which is our biggie holiday in our family) but Chris' mom did too because that is the holiday that he spends with his brother. We negotiated (or I compromised) and I skipped Thanksgiving at my mom's, had it at my house with MIL, BIL and SIL and kids, and had Christmas Eve with my mom. On Christmas Day we stayed home, and his mom came over for dinner - just the three of us. She doesn't have anybody on Christmas Day as her other son goes to his inlaws.

Now that my mom is in the Cape she wants Thanksgiving there and is giving me a REALLY hard time about not coming. Which I am really upset about. I mean - we made it clear last year, and so on. And quite frankly I don't want to drive 6 hours at 7 months pregnant either. My sisters and their husbands are of course going, so I am clearly the dilemma. My mom (who the few of you who know me a little more personally) is not the 'easiest' person to deal with. And my MIL is no walk in the park either. I just feel pulled in all these directions. And at the same time, I get angry to think that my husband's family doesn't understand the dilemma I am in , that I never get to see my family any more…..I mean we will only get together all of us once this year at Christmas Eve, and that breaks my heart.

Does anybody have these kind of holiday problems? Especially with the baby on the way, everybody seems to be clamoring to set up traditions that involve that family seeing the baby - and nobody wants to negotiate! I just feel like having turkey sandwiches from Boston Market and watching the game in bed with my husband…..

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I hate the holidays for the same reasons - all we do is fight over where to go. It is so hard and we have real horrible fights. DH does not like to tell his parents no or steer from his traditions. I am not sure if they give him a hard time or he is just afraid to say no to them. He blames it on having a small family and if he doesn't show it will be smaller. But on Christmas and Thanksgiving, my family dinners are typically smaller that his! My mom never gives me a hard time if we don't come - - she is very understanding but I also want to see my family and not take advantage of her understandingness. It is a very difficult time. In recent years it has gotten a little better but I still don't like the way it is handled. It stinks. It should be interesting this year being we now live further from our families....we have yet to talk about it and I am really dreading it.

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I think you have two options:

a) Telling your families that you will alternate holidays each year from now on and that any objection will result in a prompt refusal to come. I know its harsh but its not fair that you are being put under this stress

OR

b) Hold the holidays at your house, invite everyone (have it catered maybe so you dont have to do teh work) and let everyone else have to deal with the push/pull of the families.


You really have to lay down the law. If you dont, you are giving them permission to nag you forever.

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Jenny I feel your pain....with a baby on the way, this is so much harder for sure. Our fight is usually when to make our 'annual' trip to Fla. If it were up to me, we'd never go to see my ILs, but that's not fair to my hubby.

My IL's were just here for a long weekend, and I cannot tell you how many times there was a comment passed about us going down to Fla. The truth is - I do not want to go this year. This is our first year in the house and I refuse to have Christmas ANYWHERE else but in NY. I want my son to wake up in his own room, with Santa's gifts under his own tree! Call me selfish, but that's how I feel.

Besides, the holidays are different with my family - for one, they are larger gatherings and two, we spend the entire day together. DH's family doesn't really prepare a big meal and the usually end up going to the movies on Christmas night! What's the point of visiting with family then?

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I TOTALLY understand what you are going through ... Rob and I usually fight over where we are going and our families make us feel so guilty. In the beginning we were taking two trips each holiday - dinner at one, dessert at another, but decided to alternate the holidays once we got married. Whoever gets Easter - the other is Thanksgiving. Christmas Eve is usually at one (my family) and Christmas Day another.

But I have an even bigger dilemma in that his parents are divorced, so that's spilting the holidays 3 ways! Ugh!!!!

Okay - enough about my holiday problems ... I like Stef's suggestions. You just, physically, can't put yourself through all this emotional stress. Tell both families how you feel and alternate OR cater at your house. For goodness sake, you are 7 months pregnant, everyone should be banging down your door to see you!

Just wait until you have to carry you little princess on those road trips. Put your foot down now so it makes it easier when she is born.

And ... if you want to see your parents, for a change ... your IL's should understand!!!

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Here is a solution that has worked for very close family friends of ours. There are 5 sibs all married all with kids. They have Thanksgiving on a rotating basis at the home of one of the 5 sibs (all on LI). On Christmas and Christmas Eve they all go their sep. ways. On Little Christmas ( I think its a few weeks later) they all get together and celebrate Christmas at the home of one of the 5 sibs. They have been doing this for years and it works wonderfully for them.

Another solution that works for my cousin and his family. They rotate all the holidays every other year between her family and ours. Again we are all on LI so we usually see each other at some point even in the off years. But its another way to approach it.

I think the key in these two cases is they have decided on one way to go and have stuck with over the years. Everyone on both sides of the family knows when to expect them.

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I agree that this is one of the more difficult aspects of being a NW. My DH and I used to go our separate ways for holidays before we were married too, so last year was our first Christmas together, and our first dealing with 'choosing families.

I'm up here in Buffalo, and my whole family is on LI. My IL's are here and buffalo for the most part with the exception of my BIL who's in FLA.

I carry tremendous guilt year round because I'm so far away from my family. So the holiday's are even worse.

Last year, my DH had to work. We spent Xmas here in Buffalo and Thanksgiving on LI. It was so hard not being home for Xmas. That was my first Xmas away from home. Unfortunately this year Dh is going to have to work again, so we'll do the same thing.

There really is no way to make everyone happy, and the only thing you can do is compromise. Both sides of the family should be treated equally though, even if one side isn't as family like......it's still family.
Good Luck Jenny!

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Splitting holidays is very difficult and almost someone is always not happy with the arrangement but as families get bigger and bigger people have to compromise.

What we do is we alternate. One year Thanksgiving at my moms then the next at his. We do that for all the holidays including mothers day and fathers day.

We make sure that we have at least 2 big holidays with the same family each year. (thanksgiving and christmas.....or christmas eve and easter).

Or as someone said above, have the holidays at your house and invite both sides. After a few years everyone will get use to whatever arrangements you decide and they should be fine : ).

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I totally understand.

I grew up splitting the holidays because both of my parents are divorced. It was always Easter at one, Thanksgiving at the other and then Xmas Eve and Xmas Day split. Well of course, now DH's parents are divorced too- and the FIL lives in IL and the MIL in FL!

This is what we do...

Thanksgiving: Is either with my Dad or my Mom. If DH's brother and SIL come up to visit during Thanksgiving we will go to my Mom's b/c my Dad's family is like a pack of wolves and I wouldn't subject even my enemy to them if it wasn't necessary!

Easter: This year it will probably be MIL. Since MIL lives by herself, we try to get her to make the drive with us to Tampa and have Easter with my family there- that's what we did last year- it was fun.

Xmas Eve & Xmas- this year we will stay up here for both holidays- we'll probably spend xmas even w. my Mom and Xmas day with my Dad.

The day after Xmas we will fly to florida and spend a week there through new year. For the last 2 days we'll spend with my family in Tampa.

It's very hard but it's ALL about taking turns- that's the BEST you can do- aside from cloning yourself.

never worry you are hurting the other person's feelings- if they take it that way, well then- they are selfish and don't pay attention to them. You have to do the best you can.

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So we all have this problem. Figured as much! It amazes me the guilt that goes along with it all! Stef you are totally right - the boundaries need to be set, and from all your replies, it seems the rotating holiday rule works the best. We have to start that immediately, and my mother will just have to understand that this year, due to the pregnancy discomforts, I am going to start in Jersey . She'll see me and my husband and our child next year, same bat time, same bat channel.

I am truly tired of pleasing a million people. And am especially tired of having to please my mother. My MIL I expect to be an issue. My mom I expect to understand that I can't be in two places at once. Particularly when one of those places is 6 hours away (on a good day! - Thanksgiving weekend we could be looking at 8…)

Now comes me having to tell her…ugh….not to MENTION it's not even OCTOBER yet - and this has been brewing since August!!!!

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We have a similar situation, my ILs are in Syracuse and my family is in Queens. We spend Thanksgiving here at home, usually having my family over our house. We spend Easter usually at my ILs in Syracuse. For Christmas, its hard as we cannot even split up Christmas Eve/Day since the parents are 5 hours apart. So we spend Christmas in Syracuse, since DH lives here w. me so we can be close to my family, and its only fair as he never gets to see his family and I can see mine whenever I want. If it was up to him, we would live in Syracuse so I have to compromise whenever I can.

One thing we may try this year is a combined family Christmas, where my parents & sister come up to Syracuse to spend Christmas w. us and the ILs. We are lucky in that both families get along very well. I have a very small family, and ILs have a large family, so my parents are willing to travel to be with us on the holiday. I really hope it works out, as it would be so great to have both families with us on holidays, esp when we (eventually) have kids of our own

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I can totally sympathize with this problem. I had to explain to my mother and my hubby to his mother...that we love them both and are not choosing sides! However we want to spend holidays with both sides and we needed THEM to come up with the compromise.

So now my MIL invites my mom and my family to Thanksgiving dinner and vice versa for Christmas. Now they just fight over who is going to make the turkey!!! Is that an option for you Jenny? Can you have everyone at one place? (Just warning you in advance someone will complain about the driving).

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You are definitely not alone.

The only advice I can give you is whatever solution you come up with enforce it this holiday season. The sooner you set a pattern, the sooner you can quell unrealistic expectations from your family and show them you will not be pushed around. If you lapse into a situation where you're trying to please everyone but yourself, they will come to expect that from you and it will be that much harder to undue that in years to come.

I'm in a similar situation to Cira-his parents are divorced and the holidays are split three ways. The divorce was very hostile and there is no way his parents could ever be in the same room together for a holiday dinner; it was a miracle they behaved at the wedding. As a result, Pat would never want to host a major holiday because he didn't want to have to choose between his mother's and father's sides. For the first two holiday seasons I dealt with it, not knowing what to do. I wanted so badly to at least host Thanksgiving so last year, after another Thanksgiving at his grandmother's, I put my foot down. We were doing Thanksgiving this year and that was all there was to it. He could pick sides, alternate, I didn't care, but we were hosting it. He saw how much it meant to me so he's going to alternate years; one year have his mother's family, next year his father's. It's a good compromise and I'm finally happy.

I'm not a cryer, but I shared plenty of tears over this for two holiday seasons. I share this story because I want to you know you can make things work better for you but only if you put your foot down, nicely but firmly. Good luck.

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We are coming up on our first anniversary in December and therefore the start of our first 'where do we go for holidays' fun. As many of you know, we live in Texas, my family on LI and his in Indiana. So for us, a holiday is all or nothing. We can't do x-mas eve at one house and x-mas day at another. Since Mike spent x-mas with my family last year due to the wedding being 4 days after x-mas it only seemed fair to go to Indiana this year. But I am not totally thrilled since last year he at least got to see his family at x-mas time since they all came to NY for the wedding. So I am very bummed that I will not see my family at all for x-mas, not to mention that a week in Indiana is going to force me to drink much spiked egg nog all day long!

From the get go we decided we ARE NOT committing to any schedule. We will alternate as best we can, but going anywhere for a holiday costs us so much money! $250 at least for plane tickets per person and then $20 a day to board the dog.

So for this upcoming season we are going to FL for Thanksgving to my parents condo and then Indiana for x-mas. After that, the only major holiday that we will travel for is x-mas and I'm going to start extending the invitation to come to Dallas. Then the pressure is on them, not us. Plus, when we add kids into the mix, I want to spend X-mas at my house, like Claud said, where my children can get up at the crack of dawn, run downstairs and be so excited to see want Santa brought them under their tree.

So sometimes I think we may have it easier since we do live so far away and splitting holidays is not even an option. But then on the other hand, when I look at what it costs to go see our families, I'd love to have the option to go to my parents for dinner and IL's for dessert.

Let the compromising begin!

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This is our biggest nightmare. Further complicated by us being in CA, so NOBODY sees us regularly, and they latch on when we're in NY. We usually don't go home for Thanksgiving or Easter, so that hasn't been a problem (yet).

Our parents live very close to each other, which is both a good and bad thing. Winds up being a lot of running back and forth between the two houses, which I refuse to do anymore.

Its really his family that is difficult. If is was up to my mom, she'd just invite them all to our house. But they won't come. They'll usually come by for a drink, but not for dinner.

Last year, we did Christmas Eve at his house, and Christmas Day at mine. But we still had to go to mass with his family christmas morning. And it still didn't all go that smoothly...

One of Al's sisters (that also lives in CA) alternates holidays - one year they stay in CA with her husband's family, one year they're in NY. Al's other sister runs around like a lunatic and doesn't get to enjoy herself anywhere cause she's too busy trying to please everyone. I will not let that be me.

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we see my family all the time (live 5 blocks away from us) and so I leave it up to my husband on what holidays he wants to spend with his (they live in PA)....we split it up but I give him first choice.


This year, we plan to host thanksgiving dinner for both of our families...christmas will be with mine and easter will be with his.

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reading your post it could clearly be mine. Roger always wants to be with his family and not compromise and go to my family, hello you are married the holidays have to be split. I mean every single holiday on the calendar needs to be spent with his family, memorial day, grandparents day, 4th of july, tacher's day, you get the drift. My mom is starting to feel left out and I miss her and my family. I really had to put my foot down this year. TG is coming up, its going to be another big deal. I feel your pain.

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DH family lives in Queens and LI. My family is in Staten Island, Brooklyn and Jersey. Although I have a brother who is married and has a child, his wife dislikes our whole family and they never spend a holiday with my Mom and Dad. If I were to go to DH Mothers house for Thanksgiving my Mom wouldnt have any of her children to spend the holidays with (dont get me wrong there are many aunt uncles and cousins who are there but Parents should have one child there to celebrate no?)

So now that we are married and have our own home I have informed both families (including my brother and his wife) that Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Palm Sunday, holiday my mother has at her home, will now be at our house, whomever would like to join us is more than welcome. There will be no splitting up of families and no hurt feelings.

My MIL made a little comment the other day but I just let it slide. She has her daughter and 2 grandchildren every holiday I think it would be wrong for me to leave my mother. And I also informed them that everyone they invite for their holidays is welcomed in our home as well.