For Newlyweds Only - How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

Jax430 Posted: Apr 18, 2005 12:39 PM

How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

It struck me yesterday that we have to figure out what to do for mother's day. My parents live on SI, his live on LI. My sister, who also lives on SI, always has a mothers day BBQ with my parents and my BIL's mother, and of course, my nephews. I really don't want to miss that. I don't think DH's family does anything specific, but I know his mom will get insulted if we don't see her that day. She won't let us know she's insulted, but she'll pout and be passive aggressive about it.

The other thing is that my grandma is in a rehabilitation/nursing home, so I feel like my mom is going to be pretty depressed this mother's day, and I should be with my family. I'm tempted for DH and I to split up, but we only have one car, and if we do that now, it will never end.

How is everyone else handling mother's day?

eogara Posted: Apr 18, 2005 01:00 PM

Re: How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

The QOTD in my house! Still not sure. But, in your situation, maybe you could see if your sister wouldn't mind if you had your ILs over too? That would solve it, at least for this year. Otherwise, do brunch with one and lunch/dinner with the other.

xjulietx Posted: Apr 18, 2005 01:08 PM

Re: How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

Hmm, maybe I will invite both sets of parents to come over and invite my brother. He is in the process of a divorce so he won't have to think of his wife or MIL.

I,too, will want to be with my mom because my grandmother (mother's mother) died in March and this will be her first Mother's Day without her.

usuk2004 Posted: Apr 18, 2005 01:27 PM

Re: How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

Posted by eogara

Otherwise, do brunch with one and lunch/dinner with the other.

I second the brunch with your MIL and BBQ at your sister's. Mother's Day really lends itself well to Brunch! You can take her out somewhere, this way it's not like lingering at home - you go, you eat, the check comes, you pay, you leave! and then on to your sisters.

Mother's Day is in March here (it's the 4th Sunday in lent or something) so we don't have a conflict, but I won't get to see my mom anyway

nylisa Posted: Apr 18, 2005 01:33 PM

Re: How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

DH & I were discussing the same thing this past weekend. My sister might have my niece's christening on Mother's Day, so if that is the case then we will go to my MIL on Sat and be with my family on Sun. If not, I am not sure yet what we are going to do. DH suggested that we split but I don't really want to do that but I also don't want to go to MIL's house either.

Jax430 Posted: Apr 18, 2005 01:49 PM

Re: How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

Brunch is a possible idea. It also involves coordinating with DH's sisters and his father. I actually don't know what they normally do for mother's day. I don't know if they do much of anything.

stacy&joe Posted: Apr 18, 2005 01:59 PM

Re: How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

Even before we were married, we started a tradition of brunch with one, and dinner with the other, alternating every year. So, this year, it's brunch with my mom, and dinner with MIL. I think as long as you tell people in advance what you're doing, and make an effort to see both moms, everyone should be ok.

JMHO - Just in general, I would never split up for ANY holiday. I think once you're married, your allegiance is to that person above all else, even moms. I have seen that fall into a pattern with some of my friends - and it doesn't make for happy relationships. I would come up with a plan that makes you both comfortable, and stick together for the day.

nov04LIbride Posted: Apr 18, 2005 02:25 PM

Re: How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

We're splitting up for the day. His mother is on Long Island, mine is visiting my grandmother in Queens, so unless we eat really early here to split the day, we just can't do both. I don't know, I really want to spend it with my Mom. She's done a lot for me this past year. His mom would be pissed if he didn't see her. So, we will split up. I don't think it is that big a deal.

nov04LIbride Posted: Apr 18, 2005 02:26 PM

Re: How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

Posted by stacy&joe

JMHO - Just in general, I would never split up for ANY holiday. I think once you're married, your allegiance is to that person above all else, even moms. I have seen that fall into a pattern with some of my friends - and it doesn't make for happy relationships.

What happened to the couples that split up? I just don't think it is a huge deal for mother's day. I wouldn't split for Christmas. Once I have kids whoever wants to come to see me can, and I wouldnt travel for it, but til then I don't care...

nylisa Posted: Apr 18, 2005 02:34 PM

Re: How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

Posted by nov04LIbride

Posted by stacy&joe

JMHO - Just in general, I would never split up for ANY holiday. I think once you're married, your allegiance is to that person above all else, even moms. I have seen that fall into a pattern with some of my friends - and it doesn't make for happy relationships.

What happened to the couples that split up? I just don't think it is a huge deal for mother's day. I wouldn't split for Christmas. Once I have kids whoever wants to come to see me can, and I wouldnt travel for it, but til then I don't care...

I totally agree with you.

nferrandi Posted: Apr 18, 2005 04:08 PM

Re: How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

We always see both moms. We usually have brunch with my family and then go meet up with his family. Have you thought about inviting Brad's parents to your sister's?

VickiC Posted: Apr 18, 2005 04:35 PM

Re: How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

We'll probably do brunch with my MIL and then maybe dinner with my mom. My mom usually works on Sundays and doesn't get home until about 5pm, so there's no conflict really there.

We also have dinner over at my parents on Monday evenings, so we may just celebrate the day after. I have to see what everyone wants to do.

TwoBugs Posted: Apr 18, 2005 05:19 PM

Re: How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

If DH and I were in this situation (but we're not - we both live 1000s of miles away from our moms ) we would definitely split up.

stacy&joe Posted: Apr 18, 2005 05:33 PM

Re: How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

First, let me just apologize if I offended anyone. I truly am sorry if I did.

Things happen, and of course, married couples don't have to be joined at the hip for every social event they're invited to. Work, illness, other commitments can conflict with holidays, so I didn't mean a couple should never split up for anything.

What I meant, is that I have known couples who split holidays away from each other b/c the parents laid a little too much guilt/pressure on the couple, and it was easier to give in to each parent/family and split up then it was to make a decision and stand up to the family and say 'No. We are married, and this is our decision. Deal with it.' Once you start off in the pattern of giving in to parents, some parents take a mile from that inch and interfere in other ways, and it makes it so there's more than two people in the relationship. So, what I have seen were couples who were being pressured more and more to 'give in' to mom, dad, grandma, whoever, rather than decide with their SO and stick to it. Then it became her family vs. his family, which led to lots of fights and in some cases, break up. (I am a family law attorney. I see this a lot.)

Sorry for the long-winded explanation. What works for me and DH is to make it a point to decide what we want to do for holidays together, so no pressure is applied to give in to anybody. But that might not work for everyone else, and I didn't mean to imply that it would. If splitting works for you, that is great. Sometimes, I wish it worked for us - it would be easier!

stacy&joe Posted: Apr 18, 2005 05:35 PM

Re: How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

I also apologize for the semi hijack of the thread. I hope your plans work out for you both!

TracyInQueens Posted: Apr 18, 2005 05:54 PM

Re: How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

Not sure what we are going to do. We will hopefully have moved by then, so we won't be all that close to either mom.

The idea of splitting up for the day might work for us, but I really would miss seeing my MIL and I know my mom would miss my DH. We can't do both on the same day. We talked about doing MD and FD together- maybe do MD and FD with my folks on Mother's Day, then do MD and FD on Father's Day with DH's family. Or the other way around.

J.Lo24 Posted: Apr 18, 2005 08:11 PM

Re: How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

We always do brunch with both families together. It works out great because we are both with our moms together.

nov04LIbride Posted: Apr 18, 2005 08:48 PM

Re: How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

Posted by stacy&joe

What I meant, is that I have known couples who split holidays away from each other b/c the parents laid a little too much guilt/pressure on the couple, and it was easier to give in to each parent/family and split up then it was to make a decision and stand up to the family and say 'No. We are married, and this is our decision. Deal with it.' Once you start off in the pattern of giving in to parents, some parents take a mile from that inch and interfere in other ways, and it makes it so there's more than two people in the relationship. So, what I have seen were couples who were being pressured more and more to 'give in' to mom, dad, grandma, whoever, rather than decide with their SO and stick to it. Then it became her family vs. his family, which led to lots of fights and in some cases, break up. (I am a family law attorney. I see this a lot.)

Ahh I totally understand. I know parents can give a lot of pressure. Thing is, my mom never would, which makes me love her even more and want to spend the day with her.

wood2be Posted: Apr 18, 2005 09:44 PM

Re: How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

I'm getting off easy this year. We have to go to a friends wedding on Saturday and DH's Mom is in Boston. I do feel bad for him though. He's upset. We would have each spent the day with our own Mom's.

stacy&joe Posted: Apr 19, 2005 01:47 PM

Re: How are you handling mother's day if you each have mothers who live nearby?

Posted by nov04LIbride

Ahh I totally understand. I know parents can give a lot of pressure. Thing is, my mom never would, which makes me love her even more and want to spend the day with her.

That is so sweet. Parents who are so giving are the best gift to any daughter or son! (And, it sounds like your mom is pretty lucky, too.)