How young is too young....

to get married?

My DH has a niece who just turned 20 and will be marrying next year. She has only dated the guy (22) for a few months and he was deployed shortly thereafter. They will be marrying next summer.

I know not everyone has to wait until they were 29 (like me), but I can't help but feel she hasn't yet lived her life independently, much less really get to know this boy.

this is a loaded gun IoI Personally I am not up to marrying young but this is me (there are plenty of young brides on here, happy and successful)

I changed SO much from 21-25 - I started to date my husband at 21 but waited until 29 to marry him. We even broke up for a while when I was 25 and this is where I realized what life was about because it was the first time being single in YEARS. Now 20 forget it I was living up life and yes you can do that married but let's be honest its not that fun at times. One thing to date another to be married.

Well everyone's different but I would say that is very very young...like you say, she has not lived her life independently enough yet (I read that also to mean that she doesn't know herself well enough yet to know whether or not he is the right one for her...). It sounds like you don't agree with her/their decision and I would feel the same way....unfortunately though, all you can do is hope for the best and support her.

There's an old saying along the lines of 'who you are at 6 you are at 36 and 66' and while it's true for some things (habits, etc), IMHO anything below 25 is too young to me.

First off, who I was at 20 and 25 (and even now at 28) are sooooo different as far as my priorities, need, wants, etc.

Secondly, I think we need those years to live our lives for ourselves first. To have life experiences and make your own way.

I personally feel as though a girl should be at LEAST 21 to marry, only because that's technically when you are an 'adult'. For men, I feel like they age different and don't mature until later. So I know that for ME - I would not have married if I were younger than 21 or if my boyfriend was younger than 25. But that's just how I feel. Everybody's different, I guess.

The age that I got married at feels perfect because I'm 24 and DH is 28. It just felt like the right age. We both are mature adults, and I agree with what Wifeynella said about how you change with age. If I would have married at 19 or 20, it would have probably been REALLY hard because I've grown up since then and have changed. So I just think it's a dangerous game to play by getting married so young.


HOWEVER- my older sister got married only 2 months after she turned 21 (her husband is 8 years older) and they had only dated a mere 4 months before getting engaged (and then it was another 9 months till the wedding). Normally if I heard this kind of scenario, I'd be like 'Hell No!!!' But I can honestly say that after 5 years of marriage, they have a truly happy and healthy relationship. Should they have waited another year to at least date and get to know each other longer, let alone GROW UP? Yes, of course. But they made the choice not to wait (it's not as tho she was pregnant and HAD TO - It was just their choice). And it worked out great for THEM, so who am I judge??

i think it totally depends on your responsibility and maturity...

i got engaged at 22 and married right before my 24th bday

i met DH when i was 18 and i've been living with DH since i was 20 - so its been 4 years of living together already....for the record DH is 3 years older - he is going to be 27 soon

i would say that most of my friends are NOT ready to be married - and all of my friends are older than me so really i think it all depends on the person and how much growing up they have done.....i was always ahead of myself and pretty independent and even though i am 24 i feel like my lifestyle is closer to that of someone who is in their late 20's/early 30's....

i do feel young to be married when i look at my peers - but i also feel that i am ahead of most of my peers when it comes to being established & responsible so that is why i say it depends on the person....

but in general i do think its better to wait even though i got married at 23 - 20 is young to be engaged IMO (even though i was engaged at 22 )

---

Posted by Espo22

I dont know but when i think of 20 I think it's young. Not saying they shouldn't get married, it's their life. But I think of myself at 20 and I personally couldn't imagine being married at that age. I've changed so much and in so many am a completely different person. The things I want out of life are so different. Everyone is different though so don't care to cause drama over this, but looking back at myself at the age of 20, i say no way.

---

i agree that we change - but that is something that always happens and life experiences change a person - when we are all 50 we are going to be different than we are now KWIM? i think part of marriage is finding the right person to change with - if that makes sense....

---

Posted by Future Mulligan

---

Posted by Espo22

I dont know but when i think of 20 I think it's young. Not saying they shouldn't get married, it's their life. But I think of myself at 20 and I personally couldn't imagine being married at that age. I've changed so much and in so many am a completely different person. The things I want out of life are so different. Everyone is different though so don't care to cause drama over this, but looking back at myself at the age of 20, i say no way.

---

i agree that we change - but that is something that always happens and life experiences change a person - when we are all 50 we are going to be different than we are now KWIM? i think part of marriage is finding the right person to change with - if that makes sense....

---

oh yeah, even 5 years from now i will be so different. A HUUUUUGE part for me was at that age, I never thought about marriage, it wasnt even something I wanted at that time or any desire for it. Even mid 20's i was surprised i was getting married. I thought i'd be 30 or into my 30's. My parents thought i'd never want to get married i used to say that i might never get married, i had the philosophy that love alone is not enough and isnt the only thing to make a marriage work. For me it was also about finding the ONE i love but also for the person to have certain qualities i want. Not a demanding, disrespectful, controlling, overly jealous where you cant do anything type of guy lol and not somebody that thinks its my obligation to clean up after them, i said if thats the case i'll never get married.

It was funny but i remember one mothers day we took my mom out to eat, and my dad is old school with how he thinks and said to me 'at your age you should have kids and celebrating mothers day for you' uhmmm my response was 'on our(me and my mom) way here, i realized my battery died, tried to get a jump and ended up having to call for a ride bc i was out partying until 7am and didnt realize i had my lights on when i shut car off bc it was light out' does it sound like i should be married or a mom

oh how things change

i do think we are so different from 30 then 50 or 40 then 50, but 20 is just so very different, people are still trying to figure out what they want or who they even are and really understanding relationships.

I guess I am more worried for her than anything. She is living with her parents, and going to school but staying at home. I hear that she may or may not choose to graduate. I know that everyone is different, but she is too inexperienced and hardly knows him. The family knows him, but she has not really gotten past the honeymoon phase of their relationship.

My sister was in the military, so I understand the culture and maturity of her FH may be more advanced. But for her, I feel she hardly knows herself, much less him. But her parents are all for it, go figure. They were all planning her wedding before he even proposed!

Its so funny you posted this because there is a thread on the b2b board about young brides.

Anyway I hope I don't get blazed for this, its JMHO and applies to me only. When I was 18, 20, 22 even 24 I felt I had a lot of puppy love going on. Yes I was inlove but wasn't looking for 'real' qualities in a guy. Me and DH met when we were 26 (married at 28) and by then I had prioritized what I wanted in a man and husband. All my other sh*tty bfs helped me to realize what I really wanted and didn't want. I also went away to college, studied abroad, went on spring break, etc - just had a ton of fun, then established myself as indivdual and went after my own goals. (And yes I did have bfs throughout this process and some I thought I wanted to marry at one point but glad I didnt). Anyway I am happy for myself and the experiences I faced on my own and even the bad bf because they taught me what I wanted and did not want in life and in a husband. Not sure if this makes any sense but I would not have known all this if I got married when I was younger. Plus I may have missed out on some of the best experiences! Ie I almost didn't go away to college because of my high school boyfriend and would have definitely regretted that.

Ok that being said, I agree everyone is different and everyone is ready at different ages and some people are 40 and still not ready but for me - I am glad I waited and DH feels the same. All his friends married young but he decided to follow his career and establish himself first and he had gfs too but didn't settled down till me. His friends blazed him for moving around the country for his job and not meeting mrs right like they did at age 21 but he is happy he established himself and can now provide a home and a life for his wife and future children. Again thils has to do with dh only and he always got mad at his friends who got on his case about not settling down bc they all married young and he had his own reasons for not marrying young and plus he hadn't met me yet! Lol!!!!!

I really dont think it matters how YOU feel about someone else getting married. Ive known people over 30 getting married and divorcing, as well as older and younger. I was 19 when I got engaged, and was 21 when I got married. My DH was 24, almost 25 when we got married. Its now been a year and almost 3 months since we got married and I wouldnt change things for the world!

I really dont think age has anything to do with it, its like me saying people should live together before there married or own a home before there married, because thats how DH and I did it. To each his own, people develop and think differently, and what is good for me may not be for you and vice versa.

---

Posted by Jenn04

Its so funny you posted this because there is a thread on the b2b board about young brides.

Anyway I hope I don't get blazed for this, its JMHO and applies to me only. When I was 18, 20, 22 even 24 I felt I had a lot of puppy love going on. Yes I was inlove but wasn't looking for 'real' qualities in a guy. Me and DH met when we were 26 (married at 28) and by then I had prioritized what I wanted in a man and husband. All my other sh*tty bfs helped me to realize what I really wanted and didn't want. I also went away to college, studied abroad, went on spring break, etc - just had a ton of fun, then established myself as indivdual and went after my own goals. (And yes I did have bfs throughout this process and some I thought I wanted to marry at one point but glad I didnt). Anyway I am happy for myself and the experiences I faced on my own and even the bad bf because they taught me what I wanted and did not want in life and in a husband. Not sure if this makes any sense but I would not have known all this if I got married when I was younger. Plus I may have missed out on some of the best experiences! Ie I almost didn't go away to college because of my high school boyfriend and would have definitely regretted that.

Ok that being said, I agree everyone is different and everyone is ready at different ages and some people are 40 and still not ready but for me - I am glad I waited and DH feels the same. All his friends married young but he decided to follow his career and establish himself first and he had gfs too but didn't settled down till me. His friends blazed him for moving around the country for his job and not meeting mrs right like they did at age 21 but he is happy he established himself and can now provide a home and a life for his wife and future children. Again thils has to do with dh only and he always got mad at his friends who got on his case about not settling down bc they all married young and he had his own reasons for not marrying young and plus he hadn't met me yet! Lol!!!!!

---

exactly, that is why in my first post i said 'PERSONALLY' i couldn't picture it for myself. So again i hope people pay attention to that before getting upset. We only know how we felt at that age, and yes i know people who are in their early 20's and very mature, my cousin is 22 and i think more mature than me most times LOL, i understand there are different circumstances. But no matter how somebody tells me how they feel at that age or seeing how they are, we can only go by personal experience and knowing how we felt. Just saying for me looking back at myself at 20, i couldn't imagine it and can say that for me personally i am VERY happy i didnt get married then. Like Jenna, i always had relationships actually more like relationship bc i was in a long term relationship in my early 20's, and all i can say is thank god i didnt marry him, but again just my own situation this applies to. So us looking back this is the experiences we had. Knowing where we were at that age it wasnt the right thing for us. Doesnt mean now that everybody that is with somebody in their early 20's it wont work out or not the right person. So if this doesn't apply to you then no need to get upset. Also, we realize that ppl get married in their 30's, 40's, and older so again we do see this and realize maturity level differs from person to person and age doesn't always matter. No matter what age you are, relationships are complicated and not like as you get older its just easy with no problems.

---

Posted by Espo22

---

Posted by Jenn04

Its so funny you posted this because there is a thread on the b2b board about young brides.

Anyway I hope I don't get blazed for this, its JMHO and applies to me only. When I was 18, 20, 22 even 24 I felt I had a lot of puppy love going on. Yes I was inlove but wasn't looking for 'real' qualities in a guy. Me and DH met when we were 26 (married at 28) and by then I had prioritized what I wanted in a man and husband. All my other sh*tty bfs helped me to realize what I really wanted and didn't want. I also went away to college, studied abroad, went on spring break, etc - just had a ton of fun, then established myself as indivdual and went after my own goals. (And yes I did have bfs throughout this process and some I thought I wanted to marry at one point but glad I didnt). Anyway I am happy for myself and the experiences I faced on my own and even the bad bf because they taught me what I wanted and did not want in life and in a husband. Not sure if this makes any sense but I would not have known all this if I got married when I was younger. Plus I may have missed out on some of the best experiences! Ie I almost didn't go away to college because of my high school boyfriend and would have definitely regretted that.

Ok that being said, I agree everyone is different and everyone is ready at different ages and some people are 40 and still not ready but for me - I am glad I waited and DH feels the same. All his friends married young but he decided to follow his career and establish himself first and he had gfs too but didn't settled down till me. His friends blazed him for moving around the country for his job and not meeting mrs right like they did at age 21 but he is happy he established himself and can now provide a home and a life for his wife and future children. Again thils has to do with dh only and he always got mad at his friends who got on his case about not settling down bc they all married young and he had his own reasons for not marrying young and plus he hadn't met me yet! Lol!!!!!

---

exactly, that is why in my first post i said 'PERSONALLY' i couldn't picture it for myself. So again i hope people pay attention to that before getting upset. We only know how we felt at that age, and yes i know people who are in their early 20's and very mature, my cousin is 22 and i think more mature than me most times LOL, i understand there are different circumstances. But no matter how somebody tells me how they feel at that age or seeing how they are, we can only go by personal experience and knowing how we felt. Just saying for me looking back at myself at 20, i couldn't imagine it and can say that for me personally i am VERY happy i didnt get married then. Like Jenna, i always had relationships actually more like relationship bc i was in a long term relationship in my early 20's, and all i can say is thank god i didnt marry him, but again just my own situation this applies to. So us looking back this is the experiences we had. Knowing where we were at that age it wasnt the right thing for us. Doesnt mean now that everybody that is with somebody in their early 20's it wont work out or not the right person. So if this doesn't apply to you then no need to get upset. Also, we realize that ppl get married in their 30's, 40's, and older so again we do see this and realize maturity level differs from person to person and age doesn't always matter. No matter what age you are, relationships are complicated and not like as you get older its just easy with no problems.

---

not sure if you were meaning me, but in no way was i upset.. i was just giving her my personal experience, just like you were .. personally nobody gave me a hard time that i was marrying young, well not to my face lol, so thats why i think she should not judge the girl since she was in a totally different mind-set then her at that age

I may be in the minority here but I don't think of their age being the biggest factor. I got married at 24 and while that was because we were together for 7 years, we were 20 when we got engaged. DH was basically my first everything and I am honestly completely ok with that. I never had that urge to date someone else or feel like I was missing something even though I was young. We've survived college and living apart for 4 years sometimes even in other countries.

I know my situation is different than most and they've only been dating for a little while but I don't think they are too young necessarily. I do think that the maturity level comes into play and also the fact that he's being deployed. That puts a lot of stress on their relationship in general so I might think they should make sure that marriage is what they really want.

---

Posted by mrspalomino148

---

Posted by Espo22


exactly, that is why in my first post i said 'PERSONALLY' i couldn't picture it for myself. So again i hope people pay attention to that before getting upset. We only know how we felt at that age, and yes i know people who are in their early 20's and very mature, my cousin is 22 and i think more mature than me most times LOL, i understand there are different circumstances. But no matter how somebody tells me how they feel at that age or seeing how they are, we can only go by personal experience and knowing how we felt. Just saying for me looking back at myself at 20, i couldn't imagine it and can say that for me personally i am VERY happy i didnt get married then. Like Jenna, i always had relationships actually more like relationship bc i was in a long term relationship in my early 20's, and all i can say is thank god i didnt marry him, but again just my own situation this applies to. So us looking back this is the experiences we had. Knowing where we were at that age it wasnt the right thing for us. Doesnt mean now that everybody that is with somebody in their early 20's it wont work out or not the right person. So if this doesn't apply to you then no need to get upset. Also, we realize that ppl get married in their 30's, 40's, and older so again we do see this and realize maturity level differs from person to person and age doesn't always matter. No matter what age you are, relationships are complicated and not like as you get older its just easy with no problems.

---

not sure if you were meaning me, but in no way was i upset.. i was just giving her my personal experience, just like you were .. personally nobody gave me a hard time that i was marrying young, well not to my face lol, so thats why i think she should not judge the girl since she was in a totally different mind-set then her at that age

---

oh no it wasnt towards you at all, i just said what i said in case anybody does get mad and dont want drama to start bc of that.

---

Posted by Future Mulligan

i think it totally depends on your responsibility and maturity...

i got engaged at 22 and married right before my 24th bday

i met DH when i was 18 and i've been living with DH since i was 20 - so its been 4 years of living together already....for the record DH is 3 years older - he is going to be 27 soon

i would say that most of my friends are NOT ready to be married - and all of my friends are older than me so really i think it all depends on the person and how much growing up they have done.....i was always ahead of myself and pretty independent and even though i am 24 i feel like my lifestyle is closer to that of someone who is in their late 20's/early 30's....

i do feel young to be married when i look at my peers - but i also feel that i am ahead of most of my peers when it comes to being established & responsible so that is why i say it depends on the person....

but in general i do think its better to wait even though i got married at 23 - 20 is young to be engaged IMO (even though i was engaged at 22 )

---

Wow, I forget how young you are! See, you definitely strike me as very mature for your age.

ETA: I knew you were younger Jess, but I had forgotten how young you are too, Mayghen. And, Cutechef, I didn't realize how young you were either. See, it depends sometimes on the individual. All of you seem very mature to me.

---

Posted by Gigi08

---

Posted by Future Mulligan

i think it totally depends on your responsibility and maturity...

i got engaged at 22 and married right before my 24th bday

i met DH when i was 18 and i've been living with DH since i was 20 - so its been 4 years of living together already....for the record DH is 3 years older - he is going to be 27 soon

i would say that most of my friends are NOT ready to be married - and all of my friends are older than me so really i think it all depends on the person and how much growing up they have done.....i was always ahead of myself and pretty independent and even though i am 24 i feel like my lifestyle is closer to that of someone who is in their late 20's/early 30's....

i do feel young to be married when i look at my peers - but i also feel that i am ahead of most of my peers when it comes to being established & responsible so that is why i say it depends on the person....

but in general i do think its better to wait even though i got married at 23 - 20 is young to be engaged IMO (even though i was engaged at 22 )

---

Wow, I forget how young you are! See, you definitely strike me as very mature for your age.

ETA: I knew you were younger Jess, but I had forgotten how young you are too, Mayghen. And, Cutechef, I didn't realize how young you were either. See, it depends sometimes on the individual. All of you seem very mature to me.

---

Thanks!