If this were you- would your husband grow to be resentful?

Dh and I were having a discussion about some married friends of ours.

This couple is struggling financially- they did not even come to our wedding because they could not afford the expense.

Here is the situation- couple have been married for 3 1/2 years. Six months into the marriage, the wife got laid off. She has not worked since. The financial burden has been on the husband. Now she is going back to school. She has taken out loans for thousands of dollars.

MY DH thinks that it is wrong of her not to contribute anything to the household and depend on her husband financially knowing that it is a challenge every month to pay the bills. Dh thinks she should at least get a part time job to contribute.

He says situations like this make a man grow resentful of their wives which lead them to do other things.

Thoughts?????

Re: If this were you- would your husband grow to be resentful?

I think that is a load of crap people cheat because people want to cheat.

But anyways, due to my husband's career/ USAF pilot is is extremely hard for me to work. We have moved three times in one year and also I require holidays off because if he has off and we get the chance to see our families back north we are going.

I don't like talking about other couples because you never know the whole story. But it sounds to me like she could have attended a less expensive school and made it easier or they could budget some more and make things a tad bit easier on themselves.

I attended CUNY John Jay and it cost me total about 20,000 for my BA, out of pocket for four years and that included tution, books, and commuting from Bethpage and I worked about a 30 hour week most semesters so I didn't need to take loans because my salary is what I paid for school with. I don't see why they couldn't just look at other avenues of education and try those first which may be less expensive.

Also, could part of the reason he doesn't have her work is because of Fiancial Aid, would her salary knock her into getting lower amounts of loans that are interest free till Graduation.

It's a shame they couldn't attend your wedding due to the expense? Was it a far trip for them. We missed one of my best friend's weddings because my husband couldn't get leave and we are in Texas now.

Re: If this were you- would your husband grow to be resentful?

Hmmmmm.........
I don't think my DH would grow 'resentful' and lead to other things. That's not the kind of man I married.
But he may want me to do my part if he were struggling. If he made enough money for us to live comfortably he would def. encourage me to go to school, since that could only help in the long run.

BUT if he is struggling, I would NEVER put him in the situation where he has to do it alone. I would work somewhere doing anything even part time to help out.

We're partners, that's the way I look at it. BUt we also married for good times and bad. If one gets laid off, the other should try to be supportive. But if one gets lazy, that's not being a good partner IMO.........

Re: If this were you- would your husband grow to be resentful?

I think it depends... The fact that she was laid of 6 months into the marriage sux, but what's worse is that she hasn't worked in 3 years!!! If there is no reason for this (besides not seeking a job), I would be upset.

If she were laid off and wanted to switch fields and needed education, she should have done that sooner, and I will agree that PT work would be useful in bringing in some extra cash (at least for her lunch money).

I understand that economic environment is horrible, but three years is a looong time not to be able to get a job, assuming the person has skills/experience and is relatively young (under 40)

Edited to add that cheating is a whole other bag of worms that deserves no excuses

Re: If this were you- would your husband grow to be resentful?

Three points:

a) anyone who says they are cheating on their wife because of somethign the wife did is full of sh&t! That is complete garbage. People cheat b/c they are weak and have no honor. Nothing my husband could do would ever be a good enough excuse in my mind to excuse me cheating on him. If someone is that unhappy, get a divorce.

b) I do think that is he has an issue with her not contributing and he is under a lot of stress b/c of it, she should try to contribute in whatever way she can. Perhaps she already is contributing in ways he doesnt realize like cutting coupons or doing thing herself that they would normally pay someone to do, etc.. But i do think she should get a job if she can.

c) When people get married they should start thinking like a team. Its not a case of who does what but more of two people working towards goals. Yes, she may not be contributing now but perhaps she is going to schools so she can earn a big salary later. He wont be complaining then, right? So they both should be making decisions about what they can handle.

Re: If this were you- would your husband grow to be resentful?

Also what has she been doing for 3 years?
Did it take her 3 years to decide to go to school?

Re: If this were you- would your husband grow to be resentful?

Another thing to consider is how specialized are her skills in the former occupation? If that field was doing badly, I can potentially see not being able to find work.

but I agree, what did she do for the past 3 years

Re: If this were you- would your husband grow to be resentful?

Thanks ladies- good points.

When my Dh said lead to other things cheating was not all he meant (not that this would be an excuse to do so), but he also meant the husband would distance himself, lose respect for her, and start to dislike her intensely. I know I should have been more explicit but I did not want to make this post too long.

When she is finished with school she should have a good career, thus a good life for them both, but in the meantime, it is not easy for them. They cannot enjoy little things like dinners out or movies on a regular basis.

Re: If this were you- would your husband grow to be resentful?

Not knowing the whole story, the husband may not have wanted the wife to work but could accept the idea of his wife going to school.

Re: If this were you- would your husband grow to be resentful?

She is trying to be a writer so she did have a couple of short term freelance gigs, but for the past 3 years she has NOT really worked.

Re: If this were you- would your husband grow to be resentful?

When a spouse chooses NOT to work, I think that needs to be a joint decision. TO me, it sounds like she took this upon herself, and the hubsaand was not in agreement, so I could see him getting annoyed, and stressing out and thinking she's not doing her part.

Cheating is still a no-no, but as for losing respect, etc. . . that COULD happen if she's not even trying.....

Re: If this were you- would your husband grow to be resentful?

The whole cheating thing because his wife isn't working is total BS.

But that aside, this woman sounds really selfish and she ought to go out and get herself a job! I would never expect my husband to support me and put me through school when we are struggling to pay our bills! If they were well-off financially, that's another story, but to be in such $$ trouble and still do nothing for 3 years is inexcusable. I think anyone, man or woman would have every right to be resentful of that.

Re: If this were you- would your husband grow to be resentful?

I think your friends husband would grow resentful if he is not open and honest with his feelings. If he feels that his wife is not contributing and should be working than he needs to tell her. Wrong or right if he's not open about his true feelings that will cause resentment.

Re: If this were you- would your husband grow to be resentful?

If it were me and I was laid off and decided to go back to school, I would at least get a part time job, apply for financial aid and any scholarships that were made available or as someone mention applied to a less expensive school rather than take out additional loans.

Re: If this were you- would your husband grow to be resentful?

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When people get married they should start thinking like a team

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Exactly my thoughts Stef! Did they decide together that she would take the time/loans/loss of income and go back to school or did she deicide to do this on her own? If this was a solo decision I could see the spouse being upset and feeling resentful. If both of them signed off on the idea together than maybe they just need to find a less expensive way to live for the time being.

Re: If this were you- would your husband grow to be resentful?

It depends...my DH is always telling me I do not have to work. We are not wealthy but he wants me to be happy.

We both work full time and if my DH made a small salary, which he doesn't, I would never let the burden fall on him alone. It's not fair. We are a team.

Re: If this were you- would your husband grow to be resentful?

Once again, this is a case of finding out the whole story. Did he agree to her being off of work for the past 3 years?

Why is he complaining/discussing this with someone else? He should discuss his annoyance or concerns with HIS WIFE!!! A lot of couples do not talk to each other about the right things, thus create more problems for themselves. These are issues that no other person should be aware of, it's between the couple themselves.

If she's doing this without his input, then their marriage will suffer in the end - team work really is important!

Re: If this were you- would your husband grow to be resentful?

my dh was laid off 1 month into our marriage and in his industry there were people out of work for 18-24 mo!!!! sometimes things are not as easy as you think...you want to take a PT job doing anything...but don't want to mis the phonecall or interview...


during DHs time off we talked about school...its logical...and using loans makes sense as well...its not often that you can get a loan at 4%

Re: If this were you- would your husband grow to be resentful?

To be honest with you guys, I am not sure if it was agreed upon by the both of them that she would NOT work. I do know that based on the conversation DH just had with him the husband expressed his discontent with her not making an effort to contribute to the household.

Tray:

I know that this is a discussion that needs to had between husband and wife, but I guess this guy needed to vent.

Re: If this were you- would your husband grow to be resentful?

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during DHs time off we talked about school

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yabbobay: you said the magic words. WE TALKED.........

That's what counts, when as a team, partnership, you talk about things and make decisions together that you both agree on.

From what nrvbrd's posts are saying, it doesn't seem this was agreed on. (this could totally not be true, of course, but that's what it seems like)
I think this is the underlying problem, their lack of communication with the situation more so than her just not working.