in terms of wedding gifts, is this rude? no flaming please!

I think people give what they can afford. I know when people give me a gift I am not keeping tabs on them or only give because I hope to receive the same in return. It's a gift for a reason.

Say they came to your wedding first and gave you $50 would you then go to their wedding and give $50? Would you match tit for tat or would you give your usual gift?

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Posted by MeNBobs

I think people give what they can afford. I know when people give me a gift I am not keeping tabs on them or only give because I hope to receive the same in return. It's a gift for a reason.

Say they came to your wedding first and gave you $50 would you then go to their wedding and give $50? Would you match tit for tat or would you give your usual gift?

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I had a few people give us $50 or $100...when their weddings come of course I wouldnt give them that-I would give our normal gift. But these are people I KNOW arent in the same position as us-People we wanted there that had RSVPed no b/c of the gift. We had one of our closest friends in our BP, they are married, we werent in there BP b/c we were in a different state and couldnt afford to do it. YET they gave us what we gave them, bought the dress and rented the tux and paid for the b-parties....I didnt expect to get back what I gave. We kept track of gifts b/c there were people that gave EXCEPTIONALLY large gifts that we KNOW made $ tight for them in the long run.

I feel that if you have a 40k wedding and I give you 350 and I have a 40k wedding I would hope that you would reciprocate the thought-if money is tight I would most likely know about it.

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Posted by Future Mrs.
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To say they don't have it is nonsense......they have it b/c you gave it to them!
Very cheap.

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i don't think that's very fair to say---because you don't know what ppl do with their money. i guess if people want to think that DH and i are 'cheap' cause we can't give the same amount back to everybody....then what can ya do. DH and i used our wedding money to pay down debt---buy furniture---everyday items for our apt--cause we didn't have anything to start out with. not everyone can just say 'well i'm gonna put this aside for a wedding later in the year'. ppl gave us gifts for us to use--not for us to save and give back.

i would like to give huge chks to everyone whose wedding we have this year---but it just can't happen--we're not made of money....we do what we can afford.

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Posted by LB and DC

i went to three weddings this year. DH and i gave the same gift to each couple (a check for a specific amount). i feel that we are pretty good friends with each of the couples, we are all around the same age, and grew up in *relatively* similar areas.

the three couples were all invited to our wedding, and they all came. out of the three, only one gave the same gift to us as we did to them. the other two gave significantly less.

i TOTALLY understand that a wedding is not a fundraiser. this, to me, is not about money, but blatant rudeness. am i wrong?

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IMO - Yes, you are wrong about this. I personally don't feel that just because you gave friend 'A' $$ amount, that they should give you $$ amount in return if they can't afford it. It's not fair to expect that each couple is in the same financial situation as you and can afford the same thing. They never asked you to give them the amount you gave them.......so it's not fair to expect them to give the same amount back. Everyone WANTS to give nice gifts, but sometimes life gets in the way and it can't happen. You shouldn't expect your friends to save up for your wedding gift.....appreciate what they can afford.....they are your friends for other reasons..........

Again, this is just my opinion. I have been on both sides of this situation.......

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Posted by portjeffbride

other than it being what they can afford, I must confess I was a miserable bridal bookkeeper, and didn't keep track of how much each person gave us....

so it could be they didn't recall how much you gave

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I did the same thing.

Also although it may seem as though everyone is in the same boat financially that is not always the case. I always feel people are good at faking that they have money when they do not. (For example: my gf who seems to have a million designer purses gets hand me downs and gifts galore from her aunt. Her dad also paid for her last vacation as her bday gift and she has to work a lot of overtime to make ends meet)

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Posted by Summer07Bride

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Posted by portjeffbride

other than it being what they can afford, I must confess I was a miserable bridal bookkeeper, and didn't keep track of how much each person gave us....

so it could be they didn't recall how much you gave

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I did the same thing.

Also although it may seem as though everyone is in the same boat financially that is not always the case. I always feel people are good at faking that they have money when they do not. (For example: my gf who seems to have a million designer purses gets hand me downs and gifts galore from her aunt. Her dad also paid for her last vacation as her bday gift and she has to work a lot of overtime to make ends meet)

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I didn't keep track either. IMHO, you're not supposed to keep tabs on this. It's not a competition or a math challenge. It's not about making sure you give the exact same thing. It's not about keeping up with the Joneses. It's a GIFT!! People give what they can afford. Most of my friends make significantly less than I do (Plus, let's consider we have a combined household income now whereas my friends are mostly single) So when they get married, I should give less than I otherwise would b/c they only gave me a certain amount? Following this logic, I guess I should, but I'd never do that. At the same token, if someone gave me a gift I couldn't afford to give in return when they get married, I don't feel I'm obligated to do so. I give what I can afford and what I WANT to give. It's a GIFT, not a competition. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - just b/c someone has money doesn't mean they have to spend it on you.

Be grateful people gave you anything at all. We had several guests give us nothing (and the infamous regifted cookbook )

It honestly boggles my mind that people keep lists of what everyone gave them for their wedding. I'm not trying to flame, I just honestly don't get it. I'd never think to do that. If it wasn't about the gifts and a wedding is not a fundraiser... then why are we having this discussion? Some people feel it's appropriate to give more than others do -- some people have different financial obligations. (I may make more than my friends, but none of them have a mortgage to pay either) And, despite what you may think or what your friend may own / drive, there's no way you truly know their financial situation... Their financial goals may not include giving people $500 when they get married. Some people just may not want to spend that much on you and guess what - that's okay.

To me, this is along the same lines as people who give gifts based on where the wedding is and how much it must have cost per person... Why not just make people buy tickets if you expect a certain amount? It's obviously FINE if you want to give that much, but I don't think one should ever give a gift with the expectation of getting something in return. IMO, that's not a gift. It's an investment. And even then, there's no guarantee.

Youre not being unreasonable... I kept record of how much each guest gave us just to make sure WE give THEM at least the same amount... because we had some cousins be OVERLY generous... and I usually give the same amount for weddings.. but if someone gave us ALOT, I dont want them feeling like we stiffed them etc etc


I just want to make sure that I'm JUST as generous as they were to me.. you know?

I dont think its ridiculous that people kept records...

TO EACH HIS OWN...

Personally, I don't agree that you have to give a gift equal to the one you received. To me it completely negates the purpose of a gift. Why not just agree not to give gits at all, then you'd be even!

You should only give what you can, or what you feel is appropriate, and you should gratefully accept anything that is given to you.

i don't think that it's ridiculous that people (myself included) keep track of what is given to them at their wedding. i would never want to disrespect someone by giving them less than what they gave me - again, this is NOT ABOUT THE MONEY, it's about RESPECT, IMO.

i guess what it boils down to is that different people have different views on what is disrespectful. in my view, for the two couples who gave me significanty less than i gave them, this showed a lack of common courtesy. their weddings were both in the last three months. no, i do not know their financial situations, and i get that they may have expenses, but i did not give an extravagant amount of $$ to them, that they would not be able to reciprocate - again, this is assuming they are not going bankrupt. and melissa, i understand your situation, but these couples had no other weddings to go to this year, that i know, so having to give multiple gifts in a year was not the case for them that i know of.

i really am trying to understand the other point of view here, and i am not saying i am right and the 'other side' is wrong, i just think that if roles were reversed, i would go out of my way to make sure to record the gifts given to me by those people whose weddings i knew i was going to later in the year. and honestly, if i were given $50 as a gift by a couple, i have no idea how i would react, or what i would give when i went to their wedding.

I agree with Kara and Todd on this one...... but I also see the point brought up by LD and DC.

I personally don't think the reception venue and per plate charges should be taken into account when giving a gift. If the family wants to spend $ or $$$ on their guests should not affect the generosity of the gifts. The point is not to recoup what was spent, it is to celebrate.

It's true, you don't want to offend someone by giving less than they did, but on the flip side, couples should never require large gifts, even if they have been generous in the past in giving them.

I guess my whole point is:
A gift is something given freely without any expectations of returns..... this means the amount spent pp at the hall (gift to guests), and the amount given as a gift (gift to couple).

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Posted by LB and DC

i don't think that it's ridiculous that people (myself included) keep track of what is given to them at their wedding. i would never want to disrespect someone by giving them less than what they gave me - again, this is NOT ABOUT THE MONEY, it's about RESPECT, IMO.

i guess what it boils down to is that different people have different views on what is disrespectful. in my view, for the two couples who gave me significanty less than i gave them, this showed a lack of common courtesy. their weddings were both in the last three months. no, i do not know their financial situations, and i get that they may have expenses, but i did not give an extravagant amount of $$ to them, that they would not be able to reciprocate - again, this is assuming they are not going bankrupt. and melissa, i understand your situation, but these couples had no other weddings to go to this year, that i know, so having to give multiple gifts in a year was not the case for them that i know of.

i really am trying to understand the other point of view here, and i am not saying i am right and the 'other side' is wrong, i just think that if roles were reversed, i would go out of my way to make sure to record the gifts given to me by those people whose weddings i knew i was going to later in the year. and honestly, if i were given $50 as a gift by a couple, i have no idea how i would react, or what i would give when i went to their wedding.

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I would never view someone giving me a gift equaling less than what I gave them as disrespectful. They came to the wedding which they were invited to. The invite did not have a dollar amount that was written on it that said pay at the door $300 pp. They did what they were asked to do they came to your wedding and out of generosity gave you a gift. Someone not giving a gift may be viewed as tacky but it is not a written law that you have to give this much. In contrast to what you said I would view my friend who is criticizing my gift as disrespectful. I am not saying this as attack on you because many people have agreed with you. I just don’t understand when it is ever okay to complain about a gift anyone ever gave you. You gave the gift amount you chose to give, you were not asked/forced/required to give that amount it was your choice. I usually give gifts because I want to not because I have to. If you gave a gift only hoping to get it in return why even give one. I think it would be tacky to give a card and write we won’t give you a gift so you don’t give us a gift. A wedding is a celebration not a fund raiser. If your friend is a good person and treats you well and you have a good time when you are with them I don’t think what gift they give should ever be used against them. Unless you are a persons accountant you never really know their financial situation.
I can answer for myself if someone gave me $50 as a gift I would go to their wedding and give the same gift I give to all my friends whether they are married in Oheka Castle in the height of wedding season or in Chuck E Cheese on a Wednesday in March.

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Posted by MeNBobs

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Posted by LB and DC

i don't think that it's ridiculous that people (myself included) keep track of what is given to them at their wedding. i would never want to disrespect someone by giving them less than what they gave me - again, this is NOT ABOUT THE MONEY, it's about RESPECT, IMO.

i guess what it boils down to is that different people have different views on what is disrespectful. in my view, for the two couples who gave me significanty less than i gave them, this showed a lack of common courtesy. their weddings were both in the last three months. no, i do not know their financial situations, and i get that they may have expenses, but i did not give an extravagant amount of $$ to them, that they would not be able to reciprocate - again, this is assuming they are not going bankrupt. and melissa, i understand your situation, but these couples had no other weddings to go to this year, that i know, so having to give multiple gifts in a year was not the case for them that i know of.

i really am trying to understand the other point of view here, and i am not saying i am right and the 'other side' is wrong, i just think that if roles were reversed, i would go out of my way to make sure to record the gifts given to me by those people whose weddings i knew i was going to later in the year. and honestly, if i were given $50 as a gift by a couple, i have no idea how i would react, or what i would give when i went to their wedding.

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I would never view someone giving me a gift equaling less than what I gave them as disrespectful. They came to the wedding which they were invited to. The invite did not have a dollar amount that was written on it that said pay at the door $300 pp. They did what they were asked to do they came to your wedding and out of generosity gave you a gift. Someone not giving a gift may be viewed as tacky but it is not a written law that you have to give this much. In contrast to what you said I would view my friend who is criticizing my gift as disrespectful. I am not saying this as attack on you because many people have agreed with you. I just don’t understand when it is ever okay to complain about a gift anyone ever gave you. You gave the gift amount you chose to give, you were not asked/forced/required to give that amount it was your choice. I usually give gifts because I want to not because I have to. If you gave a gift only hoping to get it in return why even give one. I think it would be tacky to give a card and write we won’t give you a gift so you don’t give us a gift. A wedding is a celebration not a fund raiser. If your friend is a good person and treats you well and you have a good time when you are with them I don’t think what gift they give should ever be used against them. Unless you are a persons accountant you never really know their financial situation.
I can answer for myself if someone gave me $50 as a gift I would go to their wedding and give the same gift I give to all my friends whether they are married in Oheka Castle in the height of wedding season or in Chuck E Cheese on a Wednesday in March.

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i appreciate your honesty, i do.

this is just a very touchy subject for me, and most - i'd like to think of myself as a better person than i am, but the truth is i was hurt by those gifts. that is my truth, and mine only - i don't want anyone to think i am forcing my opinions on anyone.

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Posted by LB and DC

i don't think that it's ridiculous that people (myself included) keep track of what is given to them at their wedding. i would never want to disrespect someone by giving them less than what they gave me - again, this is NOT ABOUT THE MONEY, it's about RESPECT, IMO.

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Well, then it's clear that our disagreement is a fundamental one... I don't ever equate gifts and money with respect.

ETA -- I fail to see how someone who doesn't give you exactly what you gave them or more is being disrespectful. Why even give gifts then? Why not adjust for inflation and deflation, too?

I guess there are sitautions where not giving a gift could be construed as disrespectful (but even then I don't know...), but not giving the same or better gift you received isn't disrespectful in and of itself IMHO.

I'm honestly curious - do you keep track of gifts related to other events, too, for the same reason? Do you make sure people spend the same on you for your bday or Christmas or Valentine's Day as you did for them? I don't see why weddings are different...

I'm not flaming anyone. I just HONESTLY don't get it. I get wanting to be generous in life to those who are generous to you... but keeping such close tabs like this is over the top to me.

And to the OP - I'm not flaming you for how you FEEL about it. I don't know the situation or amounts of money involved. I just highly doubt that any disrespect was intended, so don't take this a sign of anything from these friends. Some people just don't give the same kinds of gifts we feel are appropriate. It's generally not mean to be personal.

i definitely think this is an issue where either side is not exactly going to see eye to eye on it.

my only real issue is saying its 'disrespectful' if they don't give a comprable amount to you that you gave them. i'm sorry, but this just doesn't make sense to me. so if you give $300 to a couple and then a few months later they only give $100 to you---you assume that they either:
a)don't respect you as much or
b)they didn't think your wedding was 'worth' the same as theirs?

is that what we are talking about it here?? it couldn't be that perhaps they have some financial issues happening and they could ONLY give $100? or perhaps they didn't expect the $300 as a gift and just don't think they have to give the same amount back? (i know a lot of you think thats wrong - but some ppl think that way) as MenBobs said--when you give a gift...you give it with your heart and say 'here ya go, congrats' you dont' say 'here is a chk for $350 -- make sure you give this SAME AMOUNT back to me in a few months cause if you don't, i'm gonna think you're a bad friend.'

isn't being friends with someone worth more than just what they give you at a wedding? i mean i know some are saying 'well they should have saved if they knew it was coming.' um....really???? you mean that someone should make sure they save $$ for your wedding cause you gave a gift at theirs...so forget car payments and CC bills--just make sure they save to give you THE SAME AMOUNT YOU GAVE THEM??

i know what kind of friend i am---and you can ask anyone that is friends with me---i would give the shirt of my back in an instant for my good friends. perhaps during the time of year that a friend has a wedding...i'm struggling and i can't give a lot of $$. does that mean i'm cheap? no. it means i have to prioritize. however should that mean all the times that i'm there for a friend should cancelled out cause i didn't give them an equal amount back? the times that we might treat them to dinner....baby sit friend's kids when they need a nite out....drop everything to be by their side when they need a shoulder to cry on.....THAT is friendship and RESPECT to me. not how much we give each other at a wedding.

like i said before--this is an issue that we're all gonna probably have to agree to disagree on.

maybe 'disrespectful' was the wrong word, but the only one i could think of at the time.

i always give the same amount when i go to a wedding. i guess i didn't take into consideration that these couples might do the same, regardless of what they have been given in the past.

i am still uncomfortable with what happened, but i really truly am trying to see the other side of this.