Is never arguing really a good thing???

Original post by nrvbrd

Nov 14, 2003 01:37 PM

I was reading a post on BHB about a postponed engagement, and she mentioned how her and FH- NEVER argued and they got along so great so she is puzzled as to why this is happening.

This is not the first time I have heard of a situation like this.

I was getting my nails done and the technician told me she was getting a divorce after 30 years of marriage She also said it came out of nowhere because they never argued.

While I do not think it is healthy to argue all the time, but it seems as though keeping it in can be just as bad. It can be fun to brag that you and DH never argue but could there be something deeper?

No offense to anyone, just please give me your thoughts!!!!!

Xelindrya Posted: Nov 14, 2003 03:40 PM

Re: Is never arguing really a good thing???

Posted by WhatNow?

Never arguing is a major sign of a dysfunctional relationship. It means you just don't care...

I have to disagree (heh a pun) anyway..

Jim and I don't argue. Well I mean we disagree but we get it out before it's blown up into something nasty. I can't say we've NEVER argued.. but the 2 or 3 times we have in almost four years doesnt mean we don't care. We care so much neither of us wants to say something we will regret later. We are big into taking a moment, collecting our thoughts and letting them come out in some form of intelligent sentences. We try HARD not to yell or accuse or blame. We just explain how we feel and why we were hurt. It works for us. I wont say it's easy cause there are times I just think he's nuts or I am for marrying him, but I remember I do love him and care and it's a two way street.. each of us believes we contribute to all.. the good times and the bad. So we stop and talk it out. Heh.. talk it out through tears or clenched teeth but we do talk not argue.

*shrug*

Wendy Posted: Nov 14, 2003 03:40 PM

Re: Is never arguing really a good thing???

I am in that situation and I have to say while I liked it at first, it bothers me now. We have been together for 7 years, married for more than 2 and have never had a good argument. To be honest, I try to pick a fight now and then (hey we all know how to push buttons)but my husband just won't argue. I agree with Stef that it's cleansing. I have even talked to my husband about it and he says he would rather just be quiet and not have any confrontation. I see it as him not caring enough to be honest with me about things.

We are working on it because I don't think it's healthy. At least it isn't for me. We do communicate well, we pretty much talk everything out, but I am in the process of looking for a couples counselor so that we can get past this and other issues. Hey, who knows, maybe I'm the one with the problem!

nrvbrd Posted: Nov 14, 2003 03:45 PM

Re: Is never arguing really a good thing???

Wendy, this brings me to a point I made earlier.

One of the parties (your husband) is holding things in and not being true with his feelings and as you said that is not healthy.

What-Now Posted: Nov 14, 2003 04:04 PM

Re: Is never arguing really a good thing???

It seems that a lot of people think that arguing always means screaming profanities at each other!

A heated conversation when you try to proof your point of view while not crossing the boundaries and still showing respect for you partner is a healthy argument!

Let’s not confuse arguing and making a scene!

Sassy Posted: Nov 14, 2003 04:08 PM

Re: Is never arguing really a good thing???

Posted by WhatNow?

It seems that a lot of people think that arguing always means screaming profanities at each other!

A heated conversation when you try to proof your point of view while not crossing the boundaries and still showing respect for you partner is a healthy argument!

Let’s not confuse arguing and making a scene!

WELL SAID - we are not talking about down right losing our minds

Wendy Posted: Nov 14, 2003 04:16 PM

Re: Is never arguing really a good thing???

I'm not talking about causing a scene either. We have never even had a heated argument, unless you want to count one that is about politics and even that was pretty tame. That is what I am concerned about. I don't want any knock down drag out fights..I had enough of those with my ex, but a heated argument is far better than silence. At the point where things begin to get heated, my husband turns on the 'off' switch. I do not believe that is healthy for either of us. While we do eventually resolve whatever the problem is, it may take days to do it. In the interim I get annoyed because I want to resolve the issue and not wait and let it build up.

What-Now Posted: Nov 14, 2003 05:01 PM

Re: Is never arguing really a good thing???

Wendy, I think you have a very healthy approach to relationships! That's exactly how I feel! It’s incredibly debilitation for a marriage to bottle up your feeling and not communicate with your partner!

I will even take a scene over silence any day! Well, not really, but if things are really bad, I would rather hear screams than get a silent treatment IMO

P.S. I was actually referring to another comment when I made my remark earlier about confusing arguments and crazy scenes

Julybaby Posted: Nov 14, 2003 05:39 PM

Re: Is never arguing really a good thing???

Does never arguing mean that you or someone else is keeping everything inside? If so, that is so unhealthy physically and mentally. It creates stress and resentment towards the other person. You could be giving in and therefore not getting what you want. I teach conflict resolution and try to teach the students that conflict is a neutral thing - it's how we handle it that makes it a good or bad thing.

I argue with DH, sometimes we resolve it easily and occasionally we need some time apart (a couple of hours) to calm down so we can talk. We are not ones to raise our voices or create scenes. And the best part of arguing is making up!

karen32 Posted: Nov 14, 2003 05:58 PM

Re: Is never arguing really a good thing???

i don't understand people who say they never argue. that boggles my mind - how can you and DH agree 100% of the time???? i agree with everyone else that arguing is healthy and i think, part of a normal relationship.

Cindy Posted: Nov 14, 2003 06:02 PM

Re: Is never arguing really a good thing???

Nrvbrd - I totally agree with you 100%. It is impossible to not have any disagreements. Something is going to come up that you wont agree on and if you dont argue at all, to me you are just not confronting some of the real issues. I would never be able to keep things in that were bothering me.

Sonicstef Posted: Nov 14, 2003 06:45 PM

Re: Is never arguing really a good thing???

Maybe this is because I have been with my husband for 8 years now but we have had agruments where we each scream. Not scream nasty things and insults but when things get heated, its in our fiesty personalities to get loud.

I will say that in the first few years of our relationship, we never had those types of arguments...but i also think that the first few years are really fantasyland and you are living on love, etc. Eventually that wears off and reality gets in the way. For those that have had long term relationships (over 5 togehter, at least 3 living together) - you have never screamed at each other? I am literally shocked!

Maybe we are the only ones but I still think its healthy. Once we have our little tiff, its clears all the bad air and making up is more fun:D

MrsTC Posted: Nov 14, 2003 07:06 PM

Re: Is never arguing really a good thing???

i hope it is healthy because we do it at least once a day!

(not heated once a day but argue a little every day) -

edited to say : we just had a screaming match! hows that for a coincidence.

LisaT Posted: Nov 14, 2003 07:40 PM

Re: Is never arguing really a good thing???

Stef - we've been together for almost 7 years (living together for almost 3). We don't have screaming fights - I can only remember one.

nrvbrd Posted: Nov 14, 2003 10:30 PM

Re: Is never arguing really a good thing???

Stef,I have been with my husband for nearly 10 1/2 years so believe me there has been some screaming and as I asid before there have been some nasty things said, but I have learned better.