***!!! Ladies..how do you feel about marrying ur love then living apart from him..PERMANENTLY?!!!

Ok so I just got a subscription to SELF Magazine cause I have always enjoyed the magazine and it was 1 buck an issue so figured why not, but now Im LIVID I spent the money because of the cockamanie articles they seem to be printing. Maybe some will think Im taking it too eprsonally but some crap is just that..CRAP.

Ok so this article was about a woman whose been married 14 years to a much older man (only you dont know the ages at first because the pictture used is of a very young attractive couple so that SELF can rationalize and legitimize this nutsiness) and who has twins with him, yet they do not live together. At ALL.

YEP. I said it. So the article continues to say how he is a former opera singer now in his late sixties with two 7 or eight yr old little boys with her. He likes music that makes his sons cry and didnt wnat to move in essentially because he would have to give up his two pianos. She howeer, is no better because as she said herself, she loves him but they have NOTHING in common except that love and a love of their childre,;personalities clash otherwise in every way. So instead of doing what most people would do, (NOT get married) they got married, had kids and the kids live with her in her apartment downtown. He lives in his with his pianos uptown but goes over every afternoon to eat dinner and tuck them into bed. He supposedly stays over 2-3 nights a week....


She claims this is the best situation in the world and that all people should do it because you love your spouse but also find them annoying so this is the best of both worlds. Sounds great but my questions is... HOW is this a marraige?!

I mean marriage by the very vows means being togethr till death does you part; loving and workkign togetehr, adapting and makign room for one another and changing because you love that person enough to do so. NOT fitting them into a sechedule because you dont wnat to change at all.

The article really bothered me because I feel that too many people lately are making light of the bonds of marriage and trying to unlegitimize it. It especially rankles me because my SIL and her partner would LOVE to be married and are just as committed and lovign to one another as my DH and I are to each other, yet they're not allowed to legally marry, while people who CAN, are making these ridiculous arrangements that pervert the idea of marriage MUCH more than a loving same-sex couple...

Bugs me.

Sorry..had to share. All thoughts...throw em on in.

WHile in one sense I can see how it makes sense to them, there is no 'love lost' over time,

BUT, let me say that again BUT

I dont really see it as a marriage...why get married then if you arent going to go thru the course and steps of a marriage? To get extra money back at the end of the year and save on insurance?

It doesnt make sense to me, marriage is binding, its a contract FOREVER! Im not saying divorce is ok but you get married, live together and make it work....Marriage is work and it seems like they are just to weak to work and making it work

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Posted by PeteysBride

It especially rankles me because my SIL and her partner would LOVE to be married and are just as committed and lovign to one another as my DH and I are to each other, yet they're not allowed to legally marry, while people who CAN, are making these ridiculous arrangements that pervert the idea of marriage MUCH more than a loving same-sex couple...

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Posted by PegaLega

WHile in one sense I can see how it makes sense to them, there is no 'love lost' over time,

BUT, let me say that again BUT

I dont really see it as a marriage...why get married then if you arent going to go thru the course and steps of a marriage? To get extra money back at the end of the year and save on insurance?

It doesnt make sense to me, marriage is binding, its a contract FOREVER! Im not saying divorce is ok but you get married, live together and make it work....Marriage is work and it seems like they are just to weak to work and making it work

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Yea thats what bugged me. Most shrinsk would say this isn't a healthy marrige if they choose to run from their problems and build seperate lives parallel to the life they should be living together, to escape one another.

What also bugged me is the guy is in his late 60's and had kids..I mean I know people CAN have kids much later in life but personally I think 60 is a bit old to start -he wont be able to enjoy these kids the way they should be enjoyed and the proof is in he wnats to keep his own apt so he doesnt have to have them over.


This is an older couple's story yet SELF posted a pic of a really attractive, aka HOT young couple to accompany the article as if trying to use sex to sell it... Just really makes me regret ordering this magazine if thats the loopiness they are goig to keep printing...I really would like to submit a rebuttle article but doubt it would get printed.

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Posted by PeteysBride

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Posted by PegaLega

WHile in one sense I can see how it makes sense to them, there is no 'love lost' over time,

BUT, let me say that again BUT

I dont really see it as a marriage...why get married then if you arent going to go thru the course and steps of a marriage? To get extra money back at the end of the year and save on insurance?

It doesnt make sense to me, marriage is binding, its a contract FOREVER! Im not saying divorce is ok but you get married, live together and make it work....Marriage is work and it seems like they are just to weak to work and making it work

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Yea thats what bugged me. Most shrinsk would say this isn't a healthy marrige if they choose to run from their problems and build seperate lives parallel to the life they should be living together, to escape one another.

What also bugged me is the guy is in his late 60's and had kids..I mean I know people CAN have kids much later in life but personally I think 60 is a bit old to start -he wont be able to enjoy these kids the way they should be enjoyed and the proof is in he wnats to keep his own apt so he doesnt have to have them over.


This is an older couple's story yet SELF posted a pic of a really attractive, aka HOT young couple to accompany the article as if trying to use sex to sell it... Just really makes me regret ordering this magazine if thats the loopiness they are goig to keep printing...I really would like to submit a rebuttle article but doubt it would get printed.

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You should! Its such a twisted wierd story that it almost makes no sense, why have children then? and attempt to tuck them in and eat dinner with them? silly in all ways

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Posted by iBCraZ131

I just have to comment because as a newlywed, I have to say I can definitely see where you are coming from, and can agree with your points. However, as a teacher, I see many different aspects of marriages and parenting. I had one student last year who lived with her mom here in NY, while her dad lived in England. Yes, England. They are still married and apparently talk on the phone constantly and the father comes and stays with the mom and daughter usually every holiday during the year, unless they go visit him. He has an entire life there and doesn't plan on moving anytime soon. They don't plan on moving to England either. They are both very active in their daughter's life and she seems perfectly happy, loves talking about him, and speaks fondly of him as does her mother. From the information I got last year from both the mother and the daughter it seems they are quite active in each others lives, just more so over the telephone rather than in person. It seems to work for them. I'm not sure why their situation is that way (I believe his job moved him there) but for some people it just works. I can't say that theirs is any less of a marriage really - since they are so active with each other, but I can say I've seen both aspects, but I wouldn't want my marriage to be like that. I guess to each their own.

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That makes sense, but if his job moved him there he most likely didnt have much of a choice. If my husband had a job that wanted to move him across the country we would talk about it ALOT before the move would ever be 'ok' for us. This couple is a short distance away from each other. That is the part that I think almost makes this marriage in a sense strange

To each their own, but why get married in the first place? The wife says that they have NOTHING IN COMMON. So they have dinner with each other everyday. That doesn't mean it's a marriage - it's a relationship. Of course, this is with MY definition of marriage - I feel like of course there's stuff that will annoy you about the other person, but marriage is about making things work despite that. Of course, their way of making it work is by not living together - so hey if it works for them, doesn't make a difference to me.

But I totally see what you're saying Jenn.

[

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That makes sense, but if his job moved him there he most likely didnt have much of a choice. If my husband had a job that wanted to move him across the country we would talk about it ALOT before the move would ever be 'ok' for us. This couple is a short distance away from each other. That is the part that I think almost makes this marriage in a sense strange

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Exactly!!!! Like basically she admitted that she likes her freedom; she dosnt want to change her life to fit him into it. She just wants to keep 'perpetually dating' the man so she gets the good stuff without the actual work that goes intoa real marriage. If we get into it with our DH's, we have to work it out. we cant just say 'im going to my house. Goodbye!' thats a dating relationship, not a married one. You cant run away in a marriage and they essentially do. if they didnt have the kids to bind them, they'd probably see one another less.

If they wnat to say they are in a committed relationship, ok, I buy that. But to say they are married? Thats not fair. Cause if you have to get moved far apart, that is ENTIRELY different than saying 'I love him but dont want to share my life with him so i am CHOOSING to live a seperate life from him and sometimes meet him in the middle for catch-up.'

FYI: I am a teacher also-have seen alll aspects but we're talking about what the definition of marriage is; the definition that keeps gays from marrying, among other things, yet which seems to becoming more and more perverted by peopel's personal spins.

I can understand special cicrumstances but this? WHY get married? Its not a marriage-barely a stable relationship.

crazy story!

BIZARRE!!!! Whats the point in getting married???

CRAZY STORY!

I thought this was going to be a article about those crazy ladies that marry men that are serving life in prison.
That is a weird way to live. It kind of sounds like a relationship you would have with a friend or maybe even your brother (except you wouldn't have kids by your brother HOPEFULLY )
Like you said what is the point.
Next year get a subscription to the Enquirer I want to know what is going on with the half boy half bat kid.

I guess Im bugged by it because I was one of those people who was committement phobuic. All ym exes know the way to scare me away like the Runaway Bride was to say 'committment.' I liked having my freedom and being able to bounce off if I wanted to, WHEN I wanted to. I didnt wan to get married and have to work on anything. I was a selfish pain in the butt-TOTALLY admit it.

BUT when I met DH and he finally wore me down...I was still afraid to commit and even now its HARD because when we argue my first instnct is to bail. But thats NOT what marriage means and since I agred to make this marriage a true one, I need to work on myself and get a grip. So I did.

I stay and we puck it out and fix it again and puck it out some more. we love and laugh and shake our fists at one another, but we work it out. we don't take easy outs or shortcuts as much as I would LOVE to....

So yea..thats why this whole idea of a 'convenient, my-way' marriage annoys me-not that they choose to liive that life, but that they choose to call it a 'marriage,' in essence mocking all of us that so work hard and sacrifice to make it work.

-slides off her soapbox now and tucks it away-

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Posted by MeNBobs

I thought this was going to be a article about those crazy ladies that marry men that are serving life in prison.
That is a weird way to live. It kind of sounds like a relationship you would have with a friend or maybe even your brother (except you wouldn't have kids by your brother HOPEFULLY )
Like you said what is the point.
Next year get a subscription to the Enquirer I want to know what is going on with the half boy half bat kid.

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LMAO you crack me up...poor kid. Hopefully Batman is his hero!

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Posted by PeteysBride

I guess Im bugged by it because I was one of those people who was committement phobuic. All ym exes know the way to scare me away like the Runaway Bride was to say 'committment.' I liked having my freedom and being able to bounce off if I wanted to, WHEN I wanted to. I didnt wan to get married and have to work on anything. I was a selfish pain in the butt-TOTALLY admit it.

BUT when I met DH and he finally wore me down...I was still afraid to commit and even now its HARD because when we argue my first instnct is to bail. But thats NOT what marriage means and since I agred to make this marriage a true one, I need to work on myself and get a grip. So I did.

I stay and we puck it out and fix it again and puck it out some more. we love and laugh and shake our fists at one another, but we work it out. we don't take easy outs or shortcuts as much as I would LOVE to....

So yea..thats why this whole idea of a 'convenient, my-way' marriage annoys me-not that they choose to liive that life, but that they choose to call it a 'marriage,' in essence mocking all of us that so work hard and sacrifice to make it work.

-slides off her soapbox now and tucks it away-

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But when you fight does your DH sing opera I bet that guy does and that would be reason enough for us to live apart.
Seriously though, I completely agree with you. I don't understand why he needs to get away from them. He should have a music studio that is his workspace and then go home to his family at night. Marriage doesn't mean being in your SO face 24/7 get a job, go out shopping they could do things seperately.
Are you going to print all these responses out and send them to the editor?

omg, i've subscribed to SELF for years and when i got this in the mail last month and read this article i got so mad! i agree with peteysbride on pretty much everything she says - from posting just little tidbits about this article, it doesn't seem as absurd as when you actually read it. the 'wife' just comes off as a completely selfish person in how she doesn't, at all, want to make any accommodations for her husband. stupid stuff like, she's messy and he's really clean and she didn't want to constantly have to clean up after herself. ***? grow up!!

overall, i really like SELF, but this article really rubbed me the wrong way - it was even highlighted on MSN.com a few weeks ago! i think it really belittles the vows we all took when we promised to love our DHs through sickness and health. . .