***!!! Ladies..how do you feel about marrying ur love then living apart from him..PERMANENTLY?!!!
Original post by PeteysBride
Ok so I just got a subscription to SELF Magazine cause I have always enjoyed the magazine and it was 1 buck an issue so figured why not, but now Im LIVID I spent the money because of the cockamanie articles they seem to be printing. Maybe some will think Im taking it too eprsonally but some crap is just that..CRAP.
Ok so this article was about a woman whose been married 14 years to a much older man (only you dont know the ages at first because the pictture used is of a very young attractive couple so that SELF can rationalize and legitimize this nutsiness) and who has twins with him, yet they do not live together. At ALL.
YEP. I said it. So the article continues to say how he is a former opera singer now in his late sixties with two 7 or eight yr old little boys with her. He likes music that makes his sons cry and didnt wnat to move in essentially because he would have to give up his two pianos. She howeer, is no better because as she said herself, she loves him but they have NOTHING in common except that love and a love of their childre,;personalities clash otherwise in every way. So instead of doing what most people would do, (NOT get married) they got married, had kids and the kids live with her in her apartment downtown. He lives in his with his pianos uptown but goes over every afternoon to eat dinner and tuck them into bed. He supposedly stays over 2-3 nights a week....
She claims this is the best situation in the world and that all people should do it because you love your spouse but also find them annoying so this is the best of both worlds. Sounds great but my questions is... HOW is this a marraige?!
I mean marriage by the very vows means being togethr till death does you part; loving and workkign togetehr, adapting and makign room for one another and changing because you love that person enough to do so. NOT fitting them into a sechedule because you dont wnat to change at all.
The article really bothered me because I feel that too many people lately are making light of the bonds of marriage and trying to unlegitimize it. It especially rankles me because my SIL and her partner would LOVE to be married and are just as committed and lovign to one another as my DH and I are to each other, yet they're not allowed to legally marry, while people who CAN, are making these ridiculous arrangements that pervert the idea of marriage MUCH more than a loving same-sex couple...
Bugs me.
Sorry..had to share. All thoughts...throw em on in.
PeteysBride
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Re: ***!!! Ladies..how do you feel about marrying ur love then living apart from him..PERMANENTLY?!!!
Posted by rfilipofornow
omg, i've subscribed to SELF for years and when i got this in the mail last month and read this article i got so mad! i agree with peteysbride on pretty much everything she says - from posting just little tidbits about this article, it doesn't seem as absurd as when you actually read it. the 'wife' just comes off as a completely selfish person in how she doesn't, at all, want to make any accommodations for her husband. stupid stuff like, she's messy and he's really clean and she didn't want to constantly have to clean up after herself. ***? grow up!!
overall, i really like SELF, but this article really rubbed me the wrong way - it was even highlighted on MSN.com a few weeks ago! i think it really belittles the vows we all took when we promised to love our DHs through sickness and health. . .
AMEN Randi Jean!
I found the article. I am going to post the link here so that people can read it and maybe see it in the context Im referring to. That way Kara, you see everything the author has to say and all parts of the story and then you can make your own decision. Each is entitled to their own, but I still stany by mine, especially after rereading ths article.
Re: ***!!! Ladies..how do you feel about marrying ur love then living apart from him..PERMANENTLY?!!!
'Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera lived apart together, as did Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir.'
This is my FAVORITE part...I dont know about Jean-Paul and Simone but Frida and Diego were known and are known to be one of the most dysfunctional couples in history! The movie was purty damn accurate...and THAT couple is the one this author decides to use to defend her point?
ejm1219
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Re: ***!!! Ladies..how do you feel about marrying ur love then living apart from him..PERMANENTLY?!!!
I read the article last month and it seemed a little weird but I don't think that i got angry from this article. There are people that have difficulty living with others - and while thats not great, they shouldn't be denied love because of it. I am happy for them because it makes them work. It seems like they actually have loving supporting relationship and if they live in separate houses - so be it. My parents to this day say that if my mom didn't work days and my dad didn't work nights they wouldn't be together right now. It is hard to live with someone. I am not condoning it, but honestly, to get mad at someone elses way of life is a little ridiculous. There are plenty of other people in the world who have lives like this - polygamists, swingers, etc. It works for them - it may not work for you or I. But...I get more mad at say the increase in the rates of cancer in that magazine than this. Its an article designed to attract attention - and so it did! Hence what marketing is!
PeteysBride
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Re: ***!!! Ladies..how do you feel about marrying ur love then living apart from him..PERMANENTLY?!!!
Posted by ejm1219
I read the article last month and it seemed a little weird but I don't think that i got angry from this article. There are people that have difficulty living with others - and while thats not great, they shouldn't be denied love because of it. I am happy for them because it makes them work. It seems like they actually have loving supporting relationship and if they live in separate houses - so be it. My parents to this day say that if my mom didn't work days and my dad didn't work nights they wouldn't be together right now. It is hard to live with someone. I am not condoning it, but honestly, to get mad at someone elses way of life is a little ridiculous. There are plenty of other people in the world who have lives like this - polygamists, swingers, etc. It works for them - it may not work for you or I. But...I get more mad at say the increase in the rates of cancer in that magazine than this. Its an article designed to attract attention - and so it did! Hence what marketing is!
You totally read into what you wnated and not what I said. I don't care if people want to love in their own way-a way thats not considered the norm. In that sense, to each their own. What I took offense to and stand by, is that they call it a marriage when bymost definitions, my own included, they aren't willing to put in the work to really make it a marriage. They can turn tail whenever they feel like it and aside from the kids, have nothing in common. Sure its a relationship and if it works for them, all righty then.
But its not really a marriage and like my DH brought up, it doesnt teach their kids much about gs out and making things work. When they get older and ask why they dont live together, what can they say? 'Sorry Tommy, Billy, but Daddy and I love one another. WE just dont like one another enough to live together.' If it were just the couple I'd roll my eyes and say whatever. But they have kids involved now and sure Dad comes over everynight for dinner. Big whoop. But he won't be unselfish and stop playign Wagner when they are around (for what little time they seem to spend with him) which makes the kids sob...and thats STRAIGHT from the article.
ejm1219
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Re: ***!!! Ladies..how do you feel about marrying ur love then living apart from him..PERMANENTLY?!!!
Your right, I didn't actually read your posts, but I just went back and did. Honestly, I don't really change my stance. The definition of marriage is really just a legal commitment to each other. I never took a vow and said I would live with him forever. I agree that you have to work at a marriage, but honestly you have to work at any type of relationship. I have been with DH for 7 years and I really don't think anything has changed by us being 'married' Everyone asks how it feels to be married and my comment is the same - now its just legal! I think peoples definition of a marriage is different. I agree with you that your sister should be allowed to marry her SO but it is not recognized, but how does is that comparable to this. There are tons of people who marry people from other countries just to get citizenship - Thats a marriage - Yes, these people can run away whenever they want but guess what - we all can. Unfortunately thats why there are so many divorces now of days. A friend of mine knew someone who was divorced in 6 months. They have been married for 14 years - whether or not they say they have nothing in common, they obviously do to last in any sort of relationship for 14 years. Think of how hard it takes just to maintain a friendship for 14 years! I know I have only 1 friend from 14 years ago - thats how hard it is! As for telling their children, as long as the children see that mommy and daddy care about one another - how much does that matter. If the guy is selfish - so be it. But how many children grow up to see their parents abused, neglected, etc. These people are actually sitting down to have dinner together. I work in students homes and I can honestly say very few homes are like that now of days. Kids eat in front of the TV and noone talks to each other. Thats reality. The world changes. As for the kids crying when he sings wagner - I think I would too! What 6 year old wants to hear that kind of music? Most probably don't! And is it right of him not to stop - no....but you know what, hes not beating his kids, hes providing for them, and hes there. Unfortunately, thats more than a lot of my students get!
PegaLega
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Re: ***!!! Ladies..how do you feel about marrying ur love then living apart from him..PERMANENTLY?!!!
I just read that whole friggin article and its just mind blowing. I dont get it, she says he agreed to the burden of children at 60 , there are just some things that are out of this world.
The simple fact is they are too lazy to deal with the everyday life of a married couple. He doesnt want to get rid of his pianos and she doesnt want to clean up LAZY!!! I dont want to clean up either but guess what I have to.
And another good point from our philosophical (sp?) Jenn, those 2 children of theirs will never understand, she says the boys have never asked....BECAUSE THEY ARE 6!!!! I didnt start asking about why my parents werent together until I was 11 or 12. And it didnt make any sense then to me when it was explained. Those boys are going to have relationship issues the rest of their lives b/c their parents enjoy kicking each other out at the end of the night. They are not in love iwth each other, they may Love e/o but not in love, they are in Lust. If it works for them great, but they arent the only ones in that relationship, their children are too. When you read their reasoning for the way they live its selfish period. They dont want to give these things up b/c of their children.....we all will and have give things up for our children.
I just dont get it
ETA: I just read the post before me, yes there are children growing up in neglectful and abusive homes and how do they turn out??? Not usually good, so how will these children turn out.
PeteysBride
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Re: ***!!! Ladies..how do you feel about marrying ur love then living apart from him..PERMANENTLY?!!!
Posted by PegaLega
I just read that whole friggin article and its just mind blowing. I dont get it, she says he agreed to the burden of children at 60 , there are just some things that are out of this world.
The simple fact is they are too lazy to deal with the everyday life of a married couple. He doesnt want to get rid of his pianos and she doesnt want to clean up LAZY!!! I dont want to clean up either but guess what I have to.
And another good point from our philosophical (sp?) Jenn, those 2 children of theirs will never understand, she says the boys have never asked....BECAUSE THEY ARE 6!!!! I didnt start asking about why my parents werent together until I was 11 or 12. And it didnt make any sense then to me when it was explained. Those boys are going to have relationship issues the rest of their lives b/c their parents enjoy kicking each other out at the end of the night. They are not in love iwth each other, they may Love e/o but not in love, they are in Lust. If it works for them great, but they arent the only ones in that relationship, their children are too. When you read their reasoning for the way they live its selfish period. They dont want to give these things up b/c of their children.....we all will and have give things up for our children.
I just dont get it
You summed it up for me Peggie-dont even need to add anything to that; my point exactly. If it were just them Id roll my eyes and say pft oh well. Let em have one another. But there are 2 little boys involved... Boys espeically learn how to treat women by seeing how their mother is treated and like you said, what are they learning? How to walk away from a woman? To thrust their kids off on their 'wife' or g/f because they want to play play station and the loud noise makes the kids cry and they cannot be bothered?
When kids are involved I get touchy and I know it but its partly because my own weird childrearing with parents that loved me and my bro but very obviously 'didnt love one another.' Screwed me up and I HATE the thought that any other child has to deal with that. They may not question it now but eventually they will... Its said for the kids. When you have kids, yes you still ahve your own life, but 99.9 percent of it revolves around them. Just the way it is. Make time for urself sure, but if you want kids, be prepped to make them the majority of your life because thats how it should be.
PegaLega
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Re: ***!!! Ladies..how do you feel about marrying ur love then living apart from him..PERMANENTLY?!!!
I had a strange household growing up too so that may be why this article put me over the edge too. While my family and parents did a great job of raising me I had issues with the way I was brought up for years. I still deal with it, DH deals with it b/c it affects our relationship. I just think its unfair to the children, I almost feel that it is easier to explain divorce or seperation to a child then it is to explain that mommy and daddy just dont live together....talk about beating a dead horse, Im done
Drv0716
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Re: ***!!! Ladies..how do you feel about marrying ur love then living apart from him..PERMANENTLY?!!!
I read that article & I was very... confused scratch: . FH & I lived that way for 2 years prior to being married. We have a daughter together. However, due to the fact that we were both young & not financially ready to move out of our parents homes, we lived apart. I HATED it. We spent every day together & he came over every night until we tucked the little one into bed, and my daughter & I stayed overnight with him a couple of nights a week. I
t just wasn't the same. Not that it wasn't still a lot of work to have a relationship like that, but it just was not the same as being married. I love that we all live together as a family. Living with him isn't always easy, as with any person he has little habits I could do without. I think part of our marriage is learning to deal with those little things. I do not want to go back to living apart like we did .
I know different situations work for different people. I know that some couples live apart because of different circumstance, but in this case, they seem to be doing it solely because they want their freedom. That just does not fit my definition of marriage.
ETA: Another point that bothers me is that fact that the children are involved. It's just selfish that the father lives away from his children simply because he wants his own space. I think it will be hard for the children to understand that their parents love each other but they are too lazy to work on living together. Won't that give the children a screwed up view of love and marriage? One of the reasons my husband & I got married now was because we are in love and we wanted to be a family with our daughter & for our daughter.
PeteysBride
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Re: ***!!! Ladies..how do you feel about marrying ur love then living apart from him..PERMANENTLY?!!!
Well I'm glad you guys are finally living together as a family, Danielle! yay! I think there is a difference as you said between HAVING to live apart for whatever reason, and CHOOSING to simply because of lack of desire to change and work together to make things work. Marriage and family=BIG adjustements. DH drives me up a wall with his neurotic urge to clean...Lol Ladies I have a Donna Reed on my hands! Im more eh..clean but if its not sparkling today..I can make it ssparkle tomorrow. So we drive one another nuts but I make efforts NOT to leave dirty dishes in the sink (when he is home anyway!) and he tries not to follow my cleaning efforts with his own sponge.
