Marriage......

Hey Ladies,

I recently saw the Oprah show on extreme break ups and I thought it was very interesting.

One woman in particular stood out. Her and hubby got married, bought their dream house and she was 12 weeks pregnant. They were watching television one night and she said she looked over at him and was so happy with her life - she said 'honey, we have our dream house, we're happily married and now i'm carrying our baby - we are the luckiest couple alive!' Well 1 month later he walked into their bedroom and told her he no longer loved her and was leaving her. She had a nervous breakdown and she said her while life came crumbling down over night!

Then there was another woman whose husband left her for her best friend who lives around the corner...that was just down right crazy!!!

However, as they discussed these issues on the show, I realized that some of the women were unaware of the signs that their husband was cheating. However, after everything happened, as they look back they can now see patterns and behavioral changes.

There was a psychologist on the show that said sometimes couples wait until it's too late before they come to him.

I don't really have a question, I just want to get your thoughts on this.

I didnt see the Oprah show but it sounds really interesting.

My comment is on people who cheat/leave their spouse etc..

How can someone get up in front of everyone they know and vow to LOVE and HONOR that person for the rest of their life and then break those vows? I honestly do not know how people live with themselves. They obviously have no honor and it disguists me.

So my point is...the women who didnt see the 'signs' were just living up to their vows. Loving and honoring their husband. The husbands are the scum of the earth.

Unfortunetly, most people in society accept these situations as part of life. Like its okay to leave your spouse if your not happy for any reason. If that were the case, why get married at all?

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Posted by Sonicstef

So my point is...the women who didnt see the 'signs' were just living up to their vows. Loving and honoring their husband. The husbands are the scum of the earth.

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I agree. Sometimes there were really no sure signs.. sometimes women just make them up so they don't feel so used. 'Oh I should have noticed he didnt talk to me as much' when they never talked before.

Personally I have been there (without marriage - tho some may feel that's different) These days it is a throw away society as said here. And sometimes, be it guy or girl side of it, one of the pair feels like they want to move on and that's that. The other half is always left crushed.

I feel, however, it's unfair to only highlight the women left spurned. Men are dropped as well. Women are becoming more self-efficient and don't 'need' men as much as we used to.

My point is, it's a sad world. Anything can happen and will. You always hope for the best when you get married but in the end all you have is your faith in one another. You can't MAKE someone faithful or MAKE them love you.

Your right Xelin, its just as disguisting when the roles are reversed. Women can be scum of the earth too

I was just discussing this on Friday with a co-worker...
It has come to light that one of the girls at work is having a 'hot and heavy' affair with the newly appointed 'office manager'... (they are both married, with small children)
There have been some obvious signs, (i.e. flirting, lunch outings together, mysterious flower deliveries, and extravagant gifts - which she paraded around the office)
Anyhow, it came up and they both denied anything was going on - meanwhile, someone came across (on screen in plain view) an instant message exchange between the 2 of them talking about how they want to do it on the conf. room table, so that next time they have a meeting they'll have something to think about!
I think they are both disgusting, liars, cheaters and hypocrites!! Why the hell get married and then turn around and do this?? He's been married only 3 years, and she's not even married a year yet!!!!! Then he has the nerve to bring in his wedding and honeymoon photos to show everyone!! What a friggin hypocrite!!!!!
(sorry so long)

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Posted by Cindy

As wrong as I think it is to cheat and bail out because you are bored, it does happen.

As I was growing up, I saw this happen to someone and her life came crashing down on her. Her husband was her life. I saw the devastation she went through emotionally and financially. She had to move from a beautiful big house in a nice area to a small co op in a not so nice area with two children in middle school. It made me realize at a very young age that no matter what, you have to stand on your own feet and have your own life and not just your 'at home' life. As devoted as a couple can be, there is no guarantee what the future holds. Just my opinion...

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Wow Cindy, how sad. I agree with what you said though, and yes it does happen.

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no matter what, you have to stand on your own feet and have your own life and not just your 'at home' life

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But how can you do this? I mean, you can be financially independent ... but how can someone spend 10, 20, 30 years with someone and not be emotionally attached to them?

I know someone who just broke up with his wife for a younger women after 10 years of marriage. She wanted kids for the past few years but he said no, no, no. And she respected that since that is what they agreed. Now she is 40 and he leaves her for a younger women - and they are going to have KIDS! What kind of pig not only breaks the vows he made to his wife but also 'steals' the years of her life when she can have a child? The whole thing just pisses me off to no end.

I know it happens all the time, but it doesnt make it any less despicable to me.

She married him thinking they were both in the 'not wanting kids' situation. A few years passed and she changed her mind. She was committed to her marriage...she planned on being married to this man for the rest of her life. She wasnt about to get divorced b/c she changed her mind and he didnt.

I dont understand what 'these things happen' mean. Does that mean everyone should just accept it? That its now part of life?

I think it comes down to responsibility. If you make a promise, you must keep it. Very few people have any respect for each other anymore..its all about instant grafitication and moving on to the next best thing no matter the cost. If someone thinks that they should get divorced when they are unhappy, they are not marriage material. Just stay single...no one is putitng a gun to anyones head saying you must get married anymore. Why do people commit to something they have no intention/ability to fufill?

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Posted by Sonicstef

I dont understand what 'these things happen' mean. Does that mean everyone should just accept it? That its now part of life?

I think it comes down to responsibility. If you make a promise, you must keep it. Very few people have any respect for each other anymore..its all about instant grafitication and moving on to the next best thing no matter the cost. If someone thinks that they should get divorced when they are unhappy, they are not marriage material. Just stay single...no one is putitng a gun to anyones head saying you must get married anymore. Why do people commit to something they have no intention/ability to fufill?

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I totally agree.

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I just believe that each individual, along with sharing their lives with someone, needs to maintain their sense of self.

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I totally respect your opinion Cindy but I dont agree.

I think you either are fully committed to your marriage or not. We all have a sense of self of course (how can you not?)..but 'growing apart' is just an excuse for being too lazy to do what we all know is right. Of course, working at a relationship is hard work and people just want the easy way out.

As soon as someone tells me they 'grew apart' from their spouse, I know the whole story right there.

I admit that there are very valid reasons for divorce - im just referring to what effects most divorces, a lack of responsibility to make it work b/c that is what you vowed to do.

Ok, I see what you mean. Sorry, I thought you meant something else. But yes, a person has to be their own person.

As sad as this sounds I think some people go into marriage under false pretenses, meaning that they are not 100% committed to the union. They may try for a while to make it work, put up this peachy kean front and then eventually the real person comes out.

I have met a couple of women who are now divorced after many years of marriage, and you know what they said- 'I knew from day one I did not want to be married to this person and it would not work' You know what she stayed with it and pretended to be happy for as long as she could stand to.

UNBELIEVABLE.

I HATE thinking about this stuff...it is my worst nightmare. I think sometimes I am so afraid of it happening that I see signs that are not even there Unfortunately, I have seen this happen with other people many times and, most of the time, there really is no explanation for it. i.e. the woman is not younger, prettier, thinner etc....


Thus, to add to the other debate, I stand on my on two feet. I make more than my husband, I have my own circle of friends and I have more of an education than he does. However, nothwithstanding all of this, my husband is still my world and, if I found out he was cheating on me I would be devastated. HOWEVER, one thing standing on your own two feet does give you is the feet to WALK. There would be no room for debate with me. It would be completely over...

What do you girls think? Would you call it quits immeiately or do you think you could work it out?

Good question.

I think it depends on the circumstances. Not that there is any ever an excusable circumstance but I can see a one time thing being as something that is POSSIBLY forgiveable. Particularily if I had children since I think its possible moving on from a one time indiscretion is probably the least of the two evils. Although I honestly dont think I could ever forgive even if I wanted to.

But as far as affairs or relationships go..there is just no way I could ever even consider forgiveness. Not only is it a sexual betrayal but its a betrayal of trust in every way, and a proverbial slap in the face of everything a marriage is supposed to be. What would be the point of forgiveness if someone never held the relationship sacred to begin with?