Marriage......

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Posted by nrvbrd

As sad as this sounds I think some people go into marriage under false pretenses, meaning that they are not 100% committed to the union. They may try for a while to make it work, put up this peachy kean front and then eventually the real person comes out.

I have met a couple of women who are now divorced after many years of marriage, and you know what they said- 'I knew from day one I did not want to be married to this person and it would not work' You know what she stayed with it and pretended to be happy for as long as she could stand to.

UNBELIEVABLE.

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I also don't understand the reason for this... Makes no sense and why waste time?

DH and I had school orientation this past weekend, both full weekend days. We tried our best to meet and mingle with different people and socialize, but after a weekend together but away from each other we were glad to have each other back And boy we were so happy!!!!

I saw the Oprah episode, and two of the wives there were FDNY wives whose husbands had left them for the widows of 9/11 they were supposed to be conseling. It was heartbreaking, all of the women there looked like they were in a car wreck, devestated and heartroken.
It seemed to me the worst part was the emotional betryal, not the sexual one. I think that the man going and having sex with another woman was horrible, yes...but it was his leaving his home, children and family for another woman and her kids that was devestating. I dont know how these women do it, the one woman has to drive past her best friends house (who her husband left her for) every day. Can you imagine? Looking at that house, knowing your ex is in there playing house w. your best friend?? I would go loco. I mean really, how do you keep your sanity in that situation?
The therapist on the show made some good points, that you have to really work at marriage-its so easy to take your DH for granted, spend time apart, not pursue their interests as well as your own.

That is horrible. My goodness I could not imagine.

The situation Stef mentioned I do not see what that has to do with a wife having her own life. I mean my goodness I would not have a child if my husband did not want one either. Am I suppose to divorce him and just start over. To me that thinking is what encourages the above behavior. People find any little thing and say due to that they had to get a divorce. So Sad.

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There is NO way anyone can predict how they will feel about things in 10 or 20 years, or how their DH's will feel.

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I agree with your point but the comment above is where I think the problem is. It shouldnt be about feelings. Marriage vows never state 'i will love & honor you as long as I feel good about it'....its until you are dead. People who want to break up without a very valid reason should check their pulse...if they are not dead, its shouldnt be such a simple decision.

If people felt that marriage was really a commitment they had to live with FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES they wouldnt take the act of committing yourself to someone else so lightly. So my point is that b/c society considers it something that is just acceptable and part of life, the whole institution of trust and honor and commitment in our society is a complete joke.

I realize life is not black and white...but a person is either true to their word or is not. There is no gray area b/c the vows are marriage are very clear. You cant control another person but I dont think the person that is fully committed to the marriage should get a 'she should have known better' assessment b/c she was the one who did take it seriously.

As you can see, this is a huge issue for me. Thankfully i have never had to face it in my own relationship but I see it all the time around me and it annoys me. Not only at the person who did it but how everyone else just accepts it.

Stef, I think there is a grey area. If my husband came home tonight and told me that he has decided the only way he can be happy in life is to not have children or to move to Africa and live in a hut, I would not be able to live my life with him. Having children is too important to me and living in a house is also too important to me!

If Luke suddenly told you that he wanted to have ten babies, would you feel that since you made a vow to stick with him you should have ten babies when you aren't sure you want to have one?

I know that you have spoken with your husband and you know his heart on this issue. But the great WHAT IF, what if he has a change of heart, is the risk we all take when we get married. It isn't necessarily a betrayal that breaks up a marriage and there isn't always fault to be assigned to one person as the result of some dramatic occurrence.

My aunt was married and wanted to have kids and her ex didn't. They broke up over that issue and he DID end up with someone younger who he had children with. I don't think my aunt took her vows litely or entered into her marriage with the thought that if she wasn't 100% happy she would just leave.

As recently married people, we all want to think that our husbands will always be the same as they are today. That is not true. I will change. My husband will change. The trick is to follow the same path when those changes occur. I totally agree that every couple needs to work on growing in the same direction. But sometimes, you just hit a point where both people want to go in the opposite direction. What can you do about that?

I realize I have a very distinct view on this that most people but:

If Luke were to come home and tell me he wanted 10 babies...my feeling is that he should accept the fact that I dont want that and get over it. You married me knowing that was never going to be possible. You dont have a right to get divorced b/c all of sudden something so insane is an absoulte necessity or you cant be happy. The whole point of getting married is sharing your life with someone you love...that doesnt mean getting everything you want. Obviously I couldnt make him stay if he wanted to go no matter what the reason. But I would expect that if there was some new need he wanted met and I couldnt meet it, he would just have to go without. Much like I would go without if I decided I want 10 babies tommorrow. To me, that is part of being married...compromising and sometimes giving up certain things you want in the greater good.

And I agree that there are circumstances where a divorce is totally warranted. In cases like betrayal, abuse, etc.. the vows have already been broken by that person, so a divorce is not breaking any sacred vows.

So my question to you is: What if my husband wanted children (of his own) and I was unable to have them? Would it be okay if he divorced me?

Becky, Kmcwed - That is what I was trying to say.

I am not going to say anything else on this issue. I only posted to share my feelings, NOTHING ELSE. If I thought this was going to become a debate I would of never responded at all. Because of that, I deleted my posts.

Stef, of course not!! I hope I didn't even suggest that in my previous post. But you are talking about a situation in which both parties want to have a child. THat is very different from two people who have opposing viewpoints on having children. You are talking about compromise for a situation that doesn't really allow for one. Either you have ten babies when you don't want any children or hypothetically your husband has no children when he really wants ten. That is not a compromise, that is one person having their need met and the other person having their need disregarded. And whose will or need should be forced on the other?

Obviously you have a strong opinion on this subject, and I am not trying to poke fun at it. I just think that there are some situations for which there is no compromise. Compromise is who gets to chose which television program to watch when one wants to watch wrestling and the other wants to watch Friends.

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Posted by Sonicstef

So my question to you is: What if my husband wanted children (of his own) and I was unable to have them? Would it be okay if he divorced me?

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No, it would not be OK!!! In this case it would be considered a 'difficulty' and marriage is not only for 'happy times'. However, I do think that in this case, trying whatever may work is necessary. I think modern medicine now allows you to have in-vitro, with other women's eggs, and another probably less accepted way is to have another woman carry a the baby if the wife can't. Adoption is also an obvious choice, however it would not be hubby's DNA in this case.

I don't think hubby has a right to leave in a difficult situation. If anything, he has an obligation to 'support'. Otherwise, women would be leaving older men for younger men for lack of s.exual performance after a certain age.

I hope no one is offended by my comments. (cindy: i wasnt offended by anything you said). To me it seems like a discussion of a sensitive topic where we all have different opinions but we are keeping at an adult level.

If I said anything to offend anyone, Im sorry..that was not my intension. I think its very interesting hearing what everyone thinks on the subject.

Although I share Stef's conviction in the sanctity of marriage vows I think sometimes people do have to walk away from each other... and it IS important to have your own sense of self and self worth apart from another human being. My husband is NOT by World, but a part of my World- the cherry that makes the pie sweet.. not the pie.

I would never say to my Mom that her reasons for divorcing my father weren't justified just because the weren't major (abuse, cheating, whatever).. in their case it simply did not work out- they were BOTH miserable. Maybe they were blinded by their initial love and didn't think in through.. But just because they took vows in front of friends and god doesn't mean they both have to go on being miserable.

With that said, what these men on Oprah did (cheating & leaving their wives) is bull crap= but at the same time i think cheating is indicitve to problems in a marriage. If the marriage was worked on by both parties maybe it wouldn't have come to cheating & abandonment.

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Posted by dgtlsunshine

I agree with Stef 100%. The statements she made are EXACTLY how I feel about marriage.

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Completely agree!

Stef, I do not have the time to respond right now, but when I get home I will respond fully, I love your stance on marriage, I just wanted to put that out there.

Cindy, you know we love you, they are just debating the point and getting the convo going. NOthing against you sweetie You better keep posting your points/opinioins on things, that is how we all learn.

Stef - No harm done.

I just have a totally different viewpoint on the subject. I would never want a friend of mine to stay in a marriage so miserable because she took these vows. I have a friend with a little baby who is so unhappy right now. I would never look down at her for having the strength and courage to walk away from something that was not good for her. I really dont want to go on and on....

When I responded to the post to begin with I didnt think it was going to become a debate, so to speak. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, even if it is different. When parts of my posts were repeated in other posts by other people who I dont even know, I just felt I didnt want to be part of it anymore.






Shamma right back at you!