Maybe this topic is for the parenting board but...

I will ask anyway.

I know I will eventually have children and I often think about how I will raise them.

My question is- do you agree with parents who are very overprotective and overly strict with their kids?

I know a few people whose parents never let them do anything while growing up- whether it be going to parties, going away to camp, not being able to go away to college because they were afraid something would happen to them. As a result these people are some of the rebellious people I know.

I refuse to be a parent like this.

I can write 10 pages on this.
All I have to say is that my parents were not very strict and we turned out ALOT better than many friends of ours whose parents were VERY STRICT.

Yes, my mom gave us a time to be home (But she wasnt good at enforcing it, LOL) My dad was very much the 'I trust your judgement' on things, yet he gave us his sound advice. We took their words to heart and always made the best decisions we thought possible =)

There are alot of things I am very proud of (that I did or didnt do compared to others my age growing up), and I attribute it to my parents giving us the freedom to be able to make cetain decisions on our own. (of course they are not THERE to make decisions on whether you should have that 4th drink at the frat party,lol)

Certain things we couldnt do though:
NEVER slept over friends houses, never. 'you have a bed, sleep in your own bed'.
NEVER went on the subway alone till high school.
Dad drove us to some functions as youngsters and picked us up, we werent crazy about this, but it wasnt so bad.

We were pretty honest about telling them where we were at all times. Our friends with strict parents couldnt keep up with the lies they were telling them.

I knew several girls growing up that had VERY strict parents (couldnt wear nailpolish, their moms had to walk them to school when we were 'too old for that', they 'couldnt date') and they became the biggest rebels: smoked, drank alot, 'tried things'.
I partied and had lots of fun, but NEVER did anything I'd regret, NEVER smoked a cigarette-or anything else (ALL Of our friends did just to fit in)
I think I had a pretty sttrong head on my shoulders about not falling in to peer pressures. There were many circumstances where my sis and I handled eachother well whereas our friends made fools of themselves, because they were SOO rebelling against strict parents...

thats all for now. lets see how this thread goes !

I remember having a 'boyfriend' when I was about 14. and introducing him to my nonna (grandmother) and she was saying (in italian) 'Dont let him take you down the crooked path, YOU dont listen to boys, YOU go down the STRAIGHT PATH' Of course at 14, I was thinking 'yea yeah leave me alone'. But I always look back at those words and think it was precious and priceless advice.

My parents were and are pretty liberal and while I and my little sister turned out ok, my brother didn't have such a 'strong head' on his shoulders and is in a bit of trouble, but not serious. My brother tends to follow the crowd, which is what leads him to his troubles.

But overall, I would say a no-no to super strict parents. It makes no logical sense to me.

But FH is a bit stricter than me, especially when in comes to dating, etc, so we'll have figure these things out when we get to them.

Compared to my other friends my Mother was very strict... no boys in the bedroom, no dropping classes, no camp (I don't believe in it either), study before play, etc. and I turned out way better than my friends who were allowed to do whatever. None of my friends graduated- they all dropped out- probably because they were allowed to quit anything they wanted.. I think it's very important to instill values in your children- finishing what you started, having commitment, drive, etc.

My half brother has NONE of this- he's going into 11th grade and my stepmom STILL calls the school to stick up for him giving them reasons why his homework is late, etc- disgusting. He's at his girlfriends house at all hours- (what do you think they are doing- HELLO)... it drives me crazy.

I intend to be strict- but reasonable.

I think good parents do not have any methodology of parenthood but instead parent based on the personality of the child and what works. Every child is different and needs a custom approach.

I know children raised in very strict homes who turned out fabulous and I know children raised in strict homes that are in jail. I know children raised in very loose homes that are fabulous and I know children raised in very loose homes that are in jail.

There is no 'right' way.

I don't believe in being super strict either. My parents were involved but never strict. (I actually was usually allowed to stay out later than my friends, wear makeup, etc. but never felt the need to take advantage.) Me and my brothers were all and still are good kids.

I think there needs to be rules and guidelines but I think like dkga1026 said above there has to be a happy middle ground.

Having already raised two children (25 and 19) I have to say that I agree with Stef. Each child has his or her own personality and what works with one, may not work with the other. Sometimes nothing works, regardless of how hard you try. When that happens you have to make sure that you are there to pick up the pieces.

I was left on my own a lot as a child (oldest of 5) and often got in trouble. Most times my mom had no idea where I was. We weren't allowed to have more than one friend at a time in our house so I went out. Not a good thing

With my own kids, I made sure I knew (as much as possible) where they were. But I also made my home totally accessible to my kids and their friends. I didn't yell that the TV or music was too loud, I didn't criticize their clothes and hair (in my son's HS yearbook pic he has TEAL hair). I had an open refrigerator policy (open it and help yourself) and I always let friends stay over. Better to have them at my house than out roaming the streets!!!

Are my kids perfect?? I wish!! But they are both pretty well adjusted and on the right track, although my oldest child took somewhat longer to get there than my youngest and took a few years off my life in the process.

The best advice I can offer to any parent or parent-to-be is to take the time to listen to your kids. I mean really listen. Have conversations where you are doing nothing else but talking. It is really easy to get so caught up in the every day insanity of life that we forget to take the time to really listen.

Take an interest in what your children do, even if it isn't what you would like them to do or is of no interest to you. Be supportive, especially in failure. It's easy to cheer for the child who just hit a winning home run, but remember to cheer for the child who strikes out as well. They made the effort and deserve just as much praise.

Do your best, that's all you can do. Kids don't come with an instruction manual..but they should!!!

Wendy: You sound like a wonderful mom

I think there is a delicate balance to this. I think it is important to set reasonable rules to teach responsibility and consequences but not so strict that you don't let your children do anything.

When I was growing up, my parents employed this method. They set rules such as times to be home and enforced them but the time was reasonable for my age. They did not enforce things like no boys in the house because they knew that it would only fuel a rebellion. They were eager to meet the boys that I saw and usually were friendly with them. I think that made me and the boys both more respectlful of them and their home.

Of course we always try to test the limits and this was the case with me also but it was definately helpful to me and my brother growing up.

I will use very similar tactics with my children. Conversely, DH's parents didn't care what he did and covered up for him - I think this made him do more outrageous things just to test the limits.

I think some level of fear/respect for parents authority is definately a must - but not to extremes.

JMO.

Thanks Stef.

This:I think good parents do not have any methodology of parenthood but instead parent based on the personality of the child and what works. Every child is different and needs a custom approach. is EXACTLY what I believe parenting to be all about. Well said, Stef!

Anna - hey, I thought I was the ONLY ONE who was never allowed to sleep over anyone else's house!

Wendy

Amen

Being a parent and raising a child really scares me to death. There really is no control. Parents are people and we make mistakes. I fear making a mistake and having a child that dislikes their parents.

My mom was very strict growing up. She raised 3 girls alone so I can understand sometimes why she was the way she was. I have to agree with Stef and definitely with Wendy in saying that you have to parent according to the type of child you have.

I come from a home where things were just not always in good balance. My parents were not very happy most of the time and my mom went from always there-loving mom to never-there mom. My dad moved out and we saw him during emergencies and christimas morning only. My brother, sister and I all turned out very differently. So I agree that different children, need different things/rules. One thing I think that was very important to my mother is that she always told us the truth. She never lied.
Here is where I feel that my mom went wrong and where I am determined NOT to go wrong: she didnt pay attention. My mom never knew when my life was falling apart or when I had a major issue going on in my life. Because of this my friends were my main support system and 15 year olds don't always know the bigger picture or the best things to do in each situation. I think there were times that my parents should have gotten very involved. At one point I had a boyfriend who was much too old for me and he was just plain crazy. He started to follow me everywhere I went, wait in my car for me after work, call me all hours of the night, some really really scary stuff. My mom knew that this guy was bothering me but never realize just how far it was going until one day he threatened to kill me and started hitting me. If my mom had been more observant she would have seen that I was scared to walk outside the door most days and that it wasn't my friend calling my phone at 2am. My friends didn't even know what to do about something like this. How could we? we were 16.
So I want to be the kind of parent that goffers her child a safe, loving home that has boundaries and rules that are fair and age apprioriate. I don't want to be her best friend (as I think that should be for a child her/his own age) but I want to be someone she trusts and is confident will always be there for him/her no matter what the situation. I hope to guide them in their choices but allow them to also make some mistakes in life, because that is the only way you grow and learn.

this may be the psychologist/teacher in me speaking...and its only a plan...b/c who knows what I will actually do in the situation...

but I plan to have rules...and consequences to the rules...but I hope that they are fair and that my children and I can come up with them together.


Wendy...I so agree with you making your home a place where the kids could come!!! How bad was your gracery bills?

Just to show you that its really out of your hands no matter what you do - my parents were not good at all...but I turned out pretty normal. Ok, maybe normal isnt the best word but you know what i mean

The key is doing the best you can.