MIL dropping by unannounced

DH and I got married not even a month ago. We live in a town where 4 of his (6) brothers live. His parents live a diagonal town up. His mom lives for her family because she spent her life raising them. All DH's brohters are married with kids. I guess they don't care if she just stops by.

I, on the other hand, care. I won't hide that DH and I have had problems with his family in the past, no matter how hard we tried to not be involved in problems. But DH wants to be part of his family (who doesn't?) so he doesn't like to rock the boat.

HOWEVER, stopping by our house without calling first is a no-no for me. What if we were running around naked? We're newlyweds, for crying out loud! Even if we weren't newlyweds, I like my privacy. I don't like people stopping by without calling first.

She stopped by Sunday late morning. I was cutting coupons, getting ready to go grocery shopping. DH was at Home Depot. I HATE grocery shopping. I was grouchy because I had to go. And I was not in the mood to host anyone.

I know she has (mostly) good intentions, but really now.. common sense.

Ok, just wanted to vent. I know it's not a huge deal, but it bugs me. Thank you for reading.

Re: MIL dropping by unannounced

I HATE THAT!!!! I can't stand that crap....you should boobie trap the house or say something to your husband.. heck, you tell her.. he is your husband! lol

Re: MIL dropping by unannounced

Sorry you're dealing with this.

I'm probably going to be in the same boat soon myself, when I finally move into DHs house, which is NEXT DOOR to his Mother.

I have no advice for you. I don't even know what to tell MYSELF!

Maybe someone else has something wonderful and enlightening to say that will help us out!

Re: MIL dropping by unannounced

I've mentioned it to DH, I think I'll have to say it again. I don't want to feel like I can't do whatever I want in my own home bc someone may show up at any minute. My family calls first. I guess since it's just a 10 min drive for MIL, she doesn't see the need to check if we are home first.

I think that if I say something, she will think I am being a trouble maker, which is what they think of me anyway, and it will cause a bigger rift between DH and his family, which I DO NOT want.

But if I don't say anything, then it will be an acceptable behavior, which is most certainly is not.

I just need to find a nice way to say it. And I also want to, at the same time, say don't park in the driveway. Only under special circumstances was I allowed to park in their driveway when DH lived at home (he wasn't allowed to park in it either) and even more, when I did leave my car there for a few hours, I had to move it back from the front of the house, almost in front of the next door neighbor's house....

Re: MIL dropping by unannounced

I think the best way to handle this is coming from your DH. He needs to set boundaries with his family in the same way you would need to do so with your own if it was a problem. Have him explain that you do not mind visitors, but you feel more comfortable when people call before hand rather than just dropping in. I'm a firm believer that you need to establish you boundaries early and let the inlaws know that you and DH are family #1, and then from there everyone else falls into place.

Re: MIL dropping by unannounced

Don't answer the door! She'll get the hint

On a serious note I think you need to have you DH take care of this so that you don't come of as the bad guy Good Luck

Re: MIL dropping by unannounced

We stopped this right in the beginning-- I made it very clear that we dont expect drop in visits--from anyone let alone my MIL---BTW she is the only one who would do this!!! and has tried to----and they live 40 minutes away--
But get this she has done it to DH's Brother and SIL and they live in a different state!!!!! and they never put a stop to it--and all I can say is stupid stupid stupid--- we laugh(SIL and I) every time it happens-- me laughing at her (SIL) and SIL laughing cause she doesn't know what to do
Laura

Re: MIL dropping by unannounced

I wouldn't like it either. Can you pretend your not home and don't answer the door?

Re: MIL dropping by unannounced

OK- I had this problem when I first moved out of my house. My coworker would just stop by and so would my Mom! I stopped answering the door. I didn't care who it was- they could go to a shopping center and call if they were in the neighborhood. I know its hard- but they would tell me that they saw my car, etc and decided to pop in and where was I? Well, my response was 'I don't answer the door if I don't know who it is' or 'Did you ring the bell- sorry I didn't hear it- there must be something wrong with it'.....or any other lame brain excuse like that. Eventually she'll get the hint...after a few pop-ins of no answer!

Re: MIL dropping by unannounced

I totally understand how you feel b/c I appreciate my privacy too. But, maybe I can also give you a different perspective.

My DH and I used to live 3,000 miles away from both families and most of our friends. We made a choice to move back to NY b/c we wanted our son to grow up around family and friends - we made this decision together, based upon both our respective childhood experiences.

However, we ended up buying a home that's at least 25-30min from most of my family and further from DH's. Seems that on LI, 30 min. is an unsurmountable distance. I would LOVE IT if someone from my family or one of my friends decided to 'drop by' since that is the reason I came home. But, apparently, going to Suffolk is like driving off the edge of the earth.

Re: MIL dropping by unannounced

My MIL never would drop by. This subject has been coming up though because his sister did this a few weeks ago. I made a nice dinner for the two of us. We dont get to eat much together because My husband works nights. His sister dropped by and I tried to hide it but I was annoyed. What could I of done but put a plate out for her . We are not close so it was hard to swallow.

Re: MIL dropping by unannounced

Claud, I completely understand your perspective. My sister lives in San Fran, and only comes home at most once a year, sometimes not even that. So when she's home, I LOVE it. And I try really hard to see the rest of my family as often as possible. I also support DH seeing his family. They have family functions ALL THE TIME. We go to every one. We barely have personal time together, and the time we do have, his mom comes over unannounced. Not cool...

Re: MIL dropping by unannounced

Claud- I totally understand what you're saying. When we're home in LI, I always try to get my sister to come over to my parents. And she always wants me to go there. I'm like, hello, I just came 3000 miles - you can't drive 20 minutes?

In SF, everywhere we go is at least 20 minutes. Its such a different perspective!

As for dropping in unexpectedly...I don't know how I'd feel about that. Right now, I think I'd be OK with it (but I don't have much access to my family while I'm in CA) - that feeling could change when we move Actually, I think I'd welcome my family, not sure about his...

But if you're not OK with it, something needs to be said. Sooner rather than later.

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Eileen, I hear you - absolutely UNCOOL, to say the very least! I was just offering another perspective b/c sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we just can't win with our families!

Like Lisa said, I think I'd be okay if it were MY family, but I doubt I'd be okay if it were DH's family.

Re: MIL dropping by unannounced

Re: MIL dropping by unannounced

I agree that it's your DH's responsibility to discuss this with his mother. If I start having problems with my MIL, I'm going to send DH to solve it right away! LOL.

Could be worse.... My MIL is going to have a KEY to my house!!!

Re: MIL dropping by unannounced

Yeah, she has a key too, which I was ever so reluctant to hand over. I said, 'can't we give it to instead?' He said his mother would be insulted, which she would, but I know his brother and his wife would rather walk on tacs than let someone use our key if they didn't have proper reason. His mother, on the other hand....

Re: MIL dropping by unannounced

If your MIL is anything like my Mom and Grandma ... it may be a culture thing. She may feel that she would love it if people just stop by her house, so she sees no harm.

I think, for your sake and for the sake of having a relationship with DH's family, this conversation should take place with DH and his mom. I'm sure your DH feels torn ... but ultimately, he should respect your feelings.

Good Luck!!!

Re: MIL dropping by unannounced

If her normal experience is to drop-by her other children's home, she probably doesn't see why your home would be any different. And I am sure she is trying to be friends with you so I wouldn't get tooo upset just yet.
Maybe next time you could just say really nicely, I would hate to see you come over and us not be home. if you let me know that you are stopping by I can tell you if DH is home or not. Or something like that.
See if this happens again before getting too upset. If it happens a few times a year I would let it pass. If it happens once a week then DH will have to say something.

Re: MIL dropping by unannounced

Similar experiences b/c we live downstairs from her...I hate it!!! Joe and I had several fights over this....