You all know my problems with my husband and his family and how we've tried very hard to work through our issues. This weekend the problems in our life escalated and I was told by him (after several days of him pounding on me emotionally - nit-picking, brow-beating me and micro managing everything I do) that he can say or do whatever he wants to me and I can't do a thing about it because I'm trapped with him because of the house. Literally, I'm a 'convenient' prisoner. He also told me that the puppy he bought me for my birthday last year is only mine, contingent on the survival of the relationship.
And that was it. I hit my limit with him.
Sunday I'm moving out and after I return from my trip to Ohio at the end of the month, I'll make a decision about whether I want to move ahead with an attorney. I can't do it right now because I feel emotionally drained and I need to regroup because it's going to be one hell of a fight.
I feel like I'm losing everything, but at the same time I'm gaining back my self respect because no one thing (house, etc.) is worth selling yourself out and being miserable. He's a typical Jeckyl and Hyde. Sweet and considerate in one breath and then intentionally cruel and insensitive in the next. Plus he has OCD that's escalating out of control and he won't seek help for it. He doesn't understand why I'm upset, it's like he completely forgot what he said and everytime something like this happens, I lose another piece of myself. I can't go on like this. I'm working three jobs to juggle the bills and although he works, he contributes very little to the overall expenses of the house. His car broke down and I offered him up my brand new car and now my truck is gone (sold) and I'm left with the option of fighting him for my car back or letting it go and getting another one (provided my credit is decent enough to get another one). I'm carrying the mortgage, the car payments, several loans, credit card bills, insurance (health, home, cars) and NOW I need to get another car?
I don't know what else to say. I don't even know why I'm putting this out there other than I can't speak to my family about it because they will not be surprised in the least - they think I should have called it a day years ago and my friends are tired of hearing about it. I feel like I'm screaming inside and I can't say a word and a tear hasn't been shed.
MSCJLK
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
I am so sorry thar you have to go through this.. Stay strong
JennRenee
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
I'm so very sorry this is happening.
NuBride
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
Congratulations to you on finding your self respect and realizing you 'don't have to accept unacceptable behavior' The rest of your life starts now!!!!!
Good Luck to you.
swags1016
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
Shamee,
I am sorry that you are going through this but please know to get out now is for the best!
I am like you and believe in staying in the marriage if possible. But the environment that you are describing is not healthy nor safe! It is not your fault nor is it a reason to be ashamed!
It will be scary to start back out on your own. But you are saving yourself and that is the most important thing. You are important and worth it! Your husband needs help! You cannot be his source of help, he must be willing to do it on his own. I know you don't know me personally but it sounds like you have a lot of friends and support on here! Use that to keep you strong. Take the support, love and encouragement of these fine women to give you the courage and strength to do what you need to do to save you!!!
I hope that you find peace! Please feel free to sound off to me anytime you need to vent!
Shamee
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
Thank you for sharing that very personal story. I thought it would be harder than this because right now I don't feel anything except maybe a little anxiety about selling the house and stuff (and we haven't officially spoken in several days, except for me to threaten him when he tried to pull some stupid stunt by taking my pup and her belongings over to his mother's to 'hide' her from me). But I really feel okay and I think that's strange? Shouldn't I feel devastated? Shouldn't I feel upset and miserable? I honestly don't! I have an appointment on Tuesday to meet with one attorney. It's a start. I literally feel nothing for him anymore and I grow more confortable with the idea of not having him in my life everyday, vs. what I thought I would feel and do (back-pedal). Everyone around me keeps asking me if there's a chance we'll reconcile and I'm like 'No'. I feel like I would be betraying myself if I was weak enough to give him another chance. I feel like my pride is on the line and I have no other alternative than to leave. Unlike before, where I felt like it was 'okay' with me if I went back. Now, it's not 'ok' with 'me'. Where I have felt fractured and torn over the last several months, I feel whole and complete, stronger than I have in years. I feel like my path is clear and I have direction and hope.
I know I'll feel weird remaining on this site after things start moving along (although I love you guys and the support you've given me) . I don't want to be the flip side of everything you girls are experiencing - to be a downer. Maybe LIW should start up a tab that refers to 'relationships'? b
Lisa Rose
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
Please do not feel that you would have to leave this site...we are all family here and here to support each other! Im sorry to hear that you are having a bad time now, but we are all here for you to vent to, cry to, laugh with...anything you need!!
anna
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
Shamme, dont even THINK about staying away from this site, simply because its called LIWeddings. We all agreed that they should have changed that name along time ago Most of us are tired of wedding talk anyway
ITs more like LI LIFE, so you are part of our lives, part of our daily chats, you add to much of the humor and have great words of wisdom for us.
God Bless your strength and persistence.
Keep us posted and lots of big bear-hugs to ya!
dgtlsunshine
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
I definately do not think you should leave. You are a strong woman and all strong woman need a place to talk, laugh and cry at times. I think here is a nice outlet. I am with the other poster we as woman we need other things to talk about besides weddings.
Keep your head up and I am so glad you at least feel a sense of peace. All the best I pray for you sweetie.
swags1016
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
Sharon,
There is nothing wrong with you! This is your body and heart telling you that this is what is right for you! You are in fight or flight mode. You are fighting to save YOU and your selfworth! You should be very proud of yourself that you are strong enough and love and respect yourself enough to say ENOUGH!!! Good for you!
As to leaving this site. You should not leave. You have friends on here and I agree this is LILIFE! This is a network of friends and a support system for you, though you may feel uncomfortable at first, don't give up on your friends!
to you!
michele31
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
If you re-read my orginal post you will see that you are not crazy for NOT being devasted. When I ended my bad-relationship it was such a huge relief. You MUST change ALL of your locks and get protection of all your assets. He will just enter the house and take what he wants or charge up a storm on your cards. PLEASE protect your future now.
Shamee
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
Unfortunately I was advised that unless the situation is volitile (physically threatening) I can't make him leave or change the locks. But believe me the second things turn (and they might once he gets the idea of what is about to happen), he's outta there. I don't care about possessions and stuff. I moved ALL of my money into my personal (maiden name) account. We have no joint charges and the joint checking account has a whopping balance of $50.00. If he wants it bad enough, he can have it. I think I'm more upset over the prospect of losing the dog. I know it was a birthday gift and stuff and everything is pointing in my benefit - but I hate that it's going to get ugly. He won't give in. I know I should let it go but that one point just tears me up - it's not an easy decision either way because I know she loves us both. I feel bad for HER more than I do myself. Can you imagine how I would feel if there was a child involved? Which brings up another point...I'm not late per say but I feel physically ill (even though my spirits are high) and we have been trying for awhile. I really pray to god that he doesn't play a sick joke on me right now. You know how they say you are only given what you can handle? I couldn't handle that one. If the situation was different I would be thrilled, but if my 'friend' doesn't drop in for a visit soon, I'm going to be freaked out!
michele31
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
Take your dog! Do not think for a minute that you need to leave her. And another hint- do not say ONE word about your 'friend' being late to him or anyone in his family. That is ONE thing you cannot allow him to know about. he will torture you with that. If you think he is bad about a dog, my God what he will do with info about a possible baby.
We are ALL here for you to get you thru this time. Since you cannot change the locks, you can start to get the 'things' that you do love out of the house. Bring them to your Moms. He will not notice stuff gone from the closet or china closet. Or have your brothers/father come with you and pack your stuff. He will not try anything with them there. Stay strong!
NovemberSue
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
Take your dog. As far as your 'friend' goes,stress can make you late and that is probably what's happening.
kelly4
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
HUGS!!!!!
I am so sorry to hear, but happy you are smart enough to leave. You don't disserve this crap! I agree, take your dog and leave! Although you may want to check with your lawyer. If you leace your house, he may be able to fight for it and you may loose out. We are all here for you. Do what is best for you. You are still young and don't need someone in your life like that. The sooner you drop this guy the sooner your new life will begin- a much happier one!
As for your friend, I'm sure it's all due to stress. She will come and visit soon, I'm sure. To ease your mind, take a preg. test. It will all be ok.
Lora
Kathy116
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
Is there anyway you can let your dog stay with a friend until you get him out of the house, or with your family? I am just so scared that he'll hurt the dog.
We're all here for you!
LnP2003
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
shamee.... there's nothing to say but....
Olgaki
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
I've been reading this whole thread and all I can say is I'm sorry that your world is being turned upsidown but on the other hand - I'm happy that you will finally be happy with your life since it is obvious you haven't been happy for a while. Definetley keep that pup - you will need to cuddle up to somone at some point in time. Good luck with everythng! And kudos to this whole board for all the moral support in times of need. Everyone on here is just so wonderful! Keep us posted so we know you are ok.
Shamee
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
I'm hanging in there - we're sort of at a place where we co-exist peacefully - yet separate. He still doesn't know about my appointment next Tuesday and we only speak to each other when it's absolutely necessary. I still don't have my 'friend' but I'm chilling out so that I don't accidentally stop it from coming on. I feel normal for a change, not anxious or tense. In all seriousness, I don't think he would ever hurt her. He loves her too much. But I can't steal her away like he attempted because that's just wrong and I don't want to play stupid games. I only want what is fair. I'm going out tonight with a girlfriend for some dinner and drinks, so you know I'm looking forward to that. b
I'm glad things are at least peaceful...hang in there...and be very careful...
mv1003
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
Sharon, I just read this whole thread and I admire and respect you so much! It takes a lot of strength to be able to do what you're doing.
My cousin got married 3 years ago to a very abusive man. We like her husband, just not for her. He is extremely controlling, not to mention egotisitical. They had 2 BIG Greyhounds, and it is 'her' responsibility to walk them! He insults her in front of her family and friends, and it's really disgusting to watch/listen to. To see her so weak that she can't see this herself. I asked her one time if she was aware how cruel he was to her? Her response was 'I fear I married my Father'. Weird to me, but it's her life. Well, she thought a baby would make him 'better'. So, she discussed having a baby? He said, 'Well, there's this trip I want to go on, it's 3 weeks vacation, but it's motocycling to California... if you let me take this 3 week vacation w/out you, I'll LET you have a baby'. (Imagine?) So, she is now pregant and due in June. I do not speak to my cousin, haven't in over a year over an insodent w/ her husband. I did not tell a little of her story for any self pitty for her. She would be so much better off w/out him.
Edited to add my cousin is still walking the stupid dogs, 7 months pregnat!!! and will probably walk them w/ an infant attached to her too!!!!- Jerk!
I read the post of the girls Mother who was in an abusive relationship too long, and her Mother is cold. The opposite for my Grandmother (God Bless her Soul), she was married to my abusive Grandfather for way too long. Back then, it was taboo to think divorce. However, when she finally got the courage to divorce him (4 kids later), she was at peace. My Grandmother was the sweetest lady. She smiled everyday, went on walks, and watched her 4 children grow in a peaceful environment.
If in your heart of hearts, you are not happy and your pride & self esteem is being put to the test everyday, then you have to do whatever you need to do to make you happy. Life is too short to be in an uncomfortable, unhealthy relationship.
God Bless you. Shron! I wish you the best in whatever the future holds for you. I'm sure it's nothing but great things ahead!
