You all know my problems with my husband and his family and how we've tried very hard to work through our issues. This weekend the problems in our life escalated and I was told by him (after several days of him pounding on me emotionally - nit-picking, brow-beating me and micro managing everything I do) that he can say or do whatever he wants to me and I can't do a thing about it because I'm trapped with him because of the house. Literally, I'm a 'convenient' prisoner. He also told me that the puppy he bought me for my birthday last year is only mine, contingent on the survival of the relationship.
And that was it. I hit my limit with him.
Sunday I'm moving out and after I return from my trip to Ohio at the end of the month, I'll make a decision about whether I want to move ahead with an attorney. I can't do it right now because I feel emotionally drained and I need to regroup because it's going to be one hell of a fight.
I feel like I'm losing everything, but at the same time I'm gaining back my self respect because no one thing (house, etc.) is worth selling yourself out and being miserable. He's a typical Jeckyl and Hyde. Sweet and considerate in one breath and then intentionally cruel and insensitive in the next. Plus he has OCD that's escalating out of control and he won't seek help for it. He doesn't understand why I'm upset, it's like he completely forgot what he said and everytime something like this happens, I lose another piece of myself. I can't go on like this. I'm working three jobs to juggle the bills and although he works, he contributes very little to the overall expenses of the house. His car broke down and I offered him up my brand new car and now my truck is gone (sold) and I'm left with the option of fighting him for my car back or letting it go and getting another one (provided my credit is decent enough to get another one). I'm carrying the mortgage, the car payments, several loans, credit card bills, insurance (health, home, cars) and NOW I need to get another car?
I don't know what else to say. I don't even know why I'm putting this out there other than I can't speak to my family about it because they will not be surprised in the least - they think I should have called it a day years ago and my friends are tired of hearing about it. I feel like I'm screaming inside and I can't say a word and a tear hasn't been shed.
WithThisRing
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
OMG I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.
Just stay strong. Be positive and strong. Dont let him hurt you any more (words hurt more the anything)
I agree speak to an attorney just for some words of what can be done legally if and when you are ready.
shamma
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
Shamee, you know we are always here for you sweetie. If you ever need to talk we will listen, scream, rant, rave, but do not hold it in. I am glad to hear you are not making any rash decision and you will take your time. I wish you all the best, I can only imagine how hard this is. FM if you want to talk
michele31
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
You deserve a huge applause! You are chosing NOT to let anyone, not anyone hurt you or degrade you anymore! While this pain hurts, deep in your bones, the release of the burden you are carrying while feel like a thousand pounds falling to the ground. I was in a very abusive relationship before I met Scott. The guy used to degrade me, and I never knew what would set him off. My advise when leaving this type of relationship is to NOT do anything with him in the house! Take your dog! Do not leave the poor thing with him to hurt in your abesense. He has not 'custody' rights over the dog. Birthday and Holiday gifts are ALL yours. That is why many attorney caution clients from giving e-rings on b-day or holidays, as the gifts are not forcibly returned. Make sure your Dad or another male member of your family is with you while you are moving out. Do not take a chance that this turns to voilence. Do not tell him where you are going. It is NONE of his business. Also, write down what has been said and make sure to take proof of your payments on the house and bills. Another thing, take ALL of your money out of any joint accounts asap. He could wipe out the accounts when he realizes that you have left him. Call and take his name off any of your credit card accounts. Make sure you change your pin numbers or anything else that he might be able to use to hurt your credit or bankrupt you. This is VERY important. Not trying to scare you, but I am scared for you. No house is worth your life, your heart or your happiness. The sun does come out, I promise!!! You deserve true love and I KNOW that in time you will become whole again. We are all here to support you!!!
angeleyes
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
i am not in your shoes and i am sorry you are feeling so upset by the situation
as an objective party who doesnt know either of you i would say before doing anything drastic like consulting an attorney
please please take a step back evaluate why you married him in the first place
take some deep breathes
think about all his positive attributes then think about his nitpicking and his holding the house and dog over your head and maybe just maybe
he said those things out of anger and bc he himself was very very upset?
he obviously doesnt want to lose you
hes grasping at straws for a way to keep the marriage together
please just really really think about things and NOT only what you want but what is best for both of you as a partnership
youre still in the stages of learning about marriage and each other
it would be so sad to see you both split up after less than 5 years!
i recently found out that a couple that i always though super great together is going thru a divorce
hope any of this made sense its a very important subject to me
marriage is so sacred dont give it up over his nitpicking and other things unless it is WAY more serious that what you described in your post!
Mary
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
Although you say your family and friends are tired of hearing it, you can't go through this alone. Despite whatever happened in the past with them, they will support you and love you.
michele31
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
Sorry but I totally disagree with the 'keep trying' post right now. I am NOT saying to rush to divorce but I read between the lines in your initial post and I didn't get the feeling you were just upset because your husband was a bit nickpicking one or two days this week. He seems to degrade you and hold your life in his hands. That is NOT okay under ANY circumstances. Councling is not a bad option but living like that is never, ever okay.
Shamee
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
Thank you guys very much for your support.
Believe me, I've had many years to reflect on his behavior and forgive over and over his insensitve words and actions. For the last eight years of our relationship, never ONCE did he support me during the controversies with his family. At one point (after an argument between his mother and I) he left his ring on the counter and ran after her. I should have known where I stood at that point. It's not so much the nit-picking I'm bothered by because I'm sure I'm not perfect to live with, but it's CONSTANT. I'll come home from working (literally) a 16 hour day and he'll be like 'You're sitting down to watch tv? There's dishes in the sink that need to be done' when I wasn't home all night to make them. Or I'll come home exhausted and he'll point to three loads of dirty laundry or 'his' shirts that need to be ironed. He is forever making nasty, insulting remarks about my weight (which I am trying to get under control) and yesterday it was 'Did you even attempt to see if those pants fit before you bought them?' They were sweats and fit fine!! It was just another attempt to beat me down. Did any of you see 'Sleeping with the Enemy'? where Julia Robert had to align the towels in the bathroom just so and all of the cabinets were obsessively arranged. That's my life. And while he doesn't abuse me physically, sometimes the words hurt more than a punch. At least if he came after me that way, I could retaliate, but to tear away at the so called 'foundation' of our relationship is something I'm not into playing. I am a huge supporter of staying in the marriage. But I'm not into masochism which is what my life has become by taking his constant abuse. All the hearts and roses of why I married him has faded, there's nothing left but ugliness and malice.
Mary
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
Also adding to my previous email, OCD is a serious disorder. If your husband will not seek treatment, then he has left you no other alternative but to leave. You are your husband's mate and you deserve love, not demanding behavior and control issues. I know that it is hard, but you need to concentrate on yourself and make him realize why HE FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU and how wrong he is in this situation. It sounds as though you've been patient and he needs to change pronto. I am sure that it hurts and there will be many tears, but you deserve someone who loves you and treats you as his equal. But, you may want to consult an attorney in the near future because he may claim that you abandoned him (giving him the upperhand), which isn't true; you had no choice but to leave because of his cruel and inhuman treatment towards you. Take a couple of weeks to get your thoughts and strength together. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Wendy
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
I do not know you but my heart goes out to you right now. I have been where you are, in a marriage for 18 years that just got worse and worse, to the point where I felt if I did not leave I was going to be smothered. While your husband may not be physically abusing you, there are other kinds of abuse, emotional for one, that are even worse. It sounds to me like that is where you are now. My advise would be to consult an attorney immediately, not necessarily for a divorce, but to protect yourself and see what rights you have. Then to seek counseling for you. You need someone to talk to who can be objective and who is on your side. I agree with Michelle that you need to get far away from this man before anymore damage is inflicted on you in this way.
I will say this....things can be replaced. You cannot. Take care of you first for that is truly most important. Good luck. My thoughts are with you.
shamma
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
Shamee, I wish you all the best, time a part might be what you need, I know you telling us your story before has led me to believe you have tried and tried on more than one occasion. I wish you peace. Words hurt, sometimes more than a hit. Peace of mind and feeling loved an wanted is expected in a marriage and you do not get that from your husband. Why settle. Take care of yourself sweetie.
shamma
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.
Disappointments are like road humps, they slow you down a bit but you enjoy the smooth road afterwards.
Don't stay on the humps too long. Move on!
When you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy, because God has thought of something better to give you.
When something happens to you, good or bad, consider what it means. There's a purpose to life's events, to teach you how to laugh more or not to cry too hard.
You can't make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realize your worth.
It's better to lose your pride to the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride. We spend too much time looking for the right person to love or finding fault with those we already love, when instead we should be perfecting the love we give.
Never abandon an old friend. You will never find one who can take his place. Friendship is like wine, it gets better as it grows older.
shamma
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
After a While By Veronica A. Shoffstall After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure... That you really are strong, And you really do have worth.
Jenn P
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I agree with Michele31, it sounds like you've been through far more abuse than any human should be subject to. Please consult an attorney right away so you can find out how to protect yourself. My thoughts are with you.
applesfla
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Marnles
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
I am so sorry to hear this...big hugs sent your way.
I am one who is all for trying to work things out, but it doesn't sound like you are making a hasty decision here. It sounds as if you have tried, but trying takes two - especially since you are not the one causing the grief here. I cannot give you anymore valuable advice than the wonderful women who have posted already have, but I must agree that you need to seek an attorney's advice here. Especially when it comes to the finanaces.
I wish you much love, strength and bright days ahead...
jennbaby
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
I am sorry. I hope your future turns out better.
boosh78201
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
I am so sorry for you. I hope everything works out.
LisaT
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
Sharon - I know you're not making this decision hastily. I've watched your relationship with hope and interest over the years and I was glad to hear things were working out for you. But it seems that may have been a temporary reprieve from the problems that you have together.
You deserve better than you're getting. And I'm glad you have enough self respect to realize that. You are a strong lady - I wish you all the best.
chmlengr
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
I am so sorry you have to go through this. You will be in my thoughts and you know the girls of LIWeddings will be here if you need us.
Here's to a better, brighter future
Cira
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Re: My heart is very heavy....
Shamee ... I am so very sorry that you are going through such a tough time. I wish I could lighten your heart with the perfect answer, but I hope it helps to know that we are all here for you to listen.
The girls on here are terrific, and they gave such wonderful advice. I know things will work out for you, because like Michele said, it may be raining now, but their is a rainbow waiting for you.
Do what in your heart is right ... and remember we are here for you!
