Need emotional advice!

hey ladies - i really need your advice -

i am so excited to be married - these should be the happiest times for bob and i. yet - i feel like issues with other parts of my life are greatly impeding this happiness. within the past year:

- both of my grandmothers went into a nursing home (one is being moved today to South Oaks locked-psychatric ward)

- one of my grandmothers had a stroke in the middle of my bridal shower

- my brother and his wife have been experiencing severe fertility issues. they are getting ready to undergo invitro next month

- we returned from the HM with the news that my dad has prostrate cancer. he was operated on the day after we came home

- my firm has me on a partner track, which is good - but until i really get comfortable in that role, the work is crazy!!!

How do i turn off these issues when i go home and night and enjoy time with DH?? i feel like our first year of marriage is going to be remembered by all of this stress?? how do i make sure DH and I get enough time - without feeling guilty about neglecting the family issues??

thanks ladies!!

Re: Need emotional advice!

I can totally relate.

Al's family was very happy to see 2002 go bye bye (I was a little insulted by that since not ALL of 2002 was bad - afterall we got married!)

But there was a lot going on. Al's grandfather was on his deathbed for a few months, and eventually passed about a month after our wedding. Then came family feuding over the will and Italy's inheritance laws. We came home from our honeymoon to Al's dad being in the hospital.

I got laid off 6 months after our wedding and faced months of awful interviews and rejections.

I could go on, but lets just say there was stress! (and still is with this cross country move)

But it didn't prevent us from having a wonderful first year of marriage. In fact I think we're closer for it. We were there to support each other and help each other de-stress. Celebrate your life together and celebrate the little things. Make special time for each other. Thats not neglecting your family issues - but you do have to put your marriage first. Have glass of wine and give each other massages - that always helps me.

Re: Need emotional advice!

First some hugs

I don't think there's a way to necessarily turn off the stresses but you do learn to supress it sometimes. There's no need to feel guilty about appreciating what you have. I am sure DH is there for you and understands everything you are going through.

Sadly, this almost sounds like a typical year for me. Since I met DH, we have been through some very difficult times but they don't define our relationship.

I have degrees of closeness that I let affect me - kind of like a bulls eye. I am in the center and rings closer to me are the most important. The further out the source of stress is the less I let it bother me.

Re: Need emotional advice!

You know what, you should not feel bad, if that is the only time you have to get some alone time and some time away from all the things that are going on around you, take it.

Nothing says you have to be all things to all people all the time. There has to be some time for Karen and Bob. You have to remember you have to be able to do you in order to be your best for others.

Sweetie, don't feel guilty, you have a responsibility to yourself and your husband first. That does not mean the other things on your list or the people in your life are any less important, you must have balance.

I wish you all the best with all that's going on. You have to take time for yourself and Bob and your marriage that takes priority above all others. Many hugs, vent anytime you want

Re: Need emotional advice!

Karen, I'm so sorry!

I can relate in some ways to all the unfortunate things happening. Sometimes in life these are things that are unavoidable and unexplainable.

Through it all, pray, pray and pray. Also, count your blessings of all the good things that are around you - you just had a beautiful wedding, went on a fabulous honeymoon, have a wonderful supportive husband in your corner, have a job that has you on a GREAT track - you are healthy, have a roof over your head and I can go on!!! These are all great things. However, in the midst of all the good, we have to work through and accept the bad. Be there for your family (which I'm sure you are), but take time for yourself.

When you feel really bogged down, take a weekend away or get some spa treatments. At night, try to meditate for 10-20 minutes, just lock off the world and focus on your breathing. Also, take Yoga or Pilates, this will certainly help to keep your mind clear. Don't eat too late!

I hope somewhere in all my ramblings I helped!

Have a wonderful Holiday and I hope you get lots of rest and peace.

Re: Need emotional advice!

i know how tough it can be, hang in there though, you'll get through it.

we have so much going on that we hardly spend time together. its just always so busy. and it does get incredibly overwhelming at times.

Re: Need emotional advice!

just try to relax and with work do the best you can but dont go nuts! and make some time on the weekends or something for just the two of you

Re: Need emotional advice!

Ok your life sounds like mine

This is what has happened to me in my life this first year of marriage:
My mom suffered from cancer and passed away in april.
- my dad and I had a falling out- we dont speak ( found out some pretty messed up stuff about him and my mom's marriage)
mom mothers side of the family is feuding- at my moms funeral they even had words!!!
- my grandmother was diagnosed with colon cancer - and nobody in my family bothered to tell me until month later.
- my brother went away to college
- I was moh in my friends wedding
-my familyhome is being sold
-my job sucks

I could go on forever but I'll stop here.
This year has been the HARDEST year of my whole life and also my first year of marriage. Some days all I do is cry and dh cant even comfort me- But having him here with me at this time is the reason why IM STILL Here- and havent jumped off a cliff.

I can hoenstly say that I havent had much time to enjoy newlywedd bliss as they say, becuase of my life problems- but I hope to start enjoying myself this year as I put this year behind me and look towards the future.

Good luck and no that you are not alone.

Re: Need emotional advice!

Take a deep breathe.

Sorry you're hitting hard times.

I've had my share of bad years... pretty much every year since 2001 has been messed up.
Uncle died, Grandpa died, Great Niece has lukemmia (she's 2), knee issues, financial issues, family issues, so for and so on.

Just for me.. I try to stop seeing the bigger picture. I try to look at a good point. I don't believe I was put on this earth to take on all the emotional baggage of what life has given me. I give each crisis it's due time, but I try to remember it's life and sh!t happens. I hate it and I get angry and it drains me, but in the end the stuff that hurts the most, I can't change and it's completely out of my hands.

I give what I can to the people I can, but I also try to remember I can't carry the world on my shoulders. I am only a woman with a man and a life of her own to take care of. During the deaths and sicknesses I tried to remember those people wanted me to live a happy and fullfilling life. Im glad my grandpa knew i was engaged and happy before he died. I know he'd want us happy, he liked Jim.

My Aunt is currently in a hospital in San Antonio and they don't know what to do, but she knows Im married and wants me to live my life and not worry about her (like I can?) but she made me realize, life is to be lived. Enjoy and cherish the moments you have left with your loved ones. Know that all the crap that goes on day to day in your life (work and other trival things) will one day be gone and you will get through to the other side. You have to get through. There's no pause button on life. Good or bad we all move onward.

Hang in there.

*HUGS*


I look at Jim and (once after crying about my grandfather) said.. 'I hope our life is happy and full, it's all I can ask for'
We try to take comfort in eachother. We (arrogantly, I know) consider ourselves the future of our families. We must try to find time for eachother to just be with eachother because if we don't we feel 'what was the point?'

It's not always easy (god knows) but sometimes we just share a small smile and I know, it will all work out.

Have faith.

Re: Need emotional advice!

i can't thank you ladies enough for your words! i am going to make a serious effort to focus on the good and to learn to relax and not feel as if all of the world's problems are mine to solve. DH should be home soon, i'm making a nice dinner, turning off the phone and spending some quality time together!!

Re: Need emotional advice!

Karen- sounds like you made a great effort for your QT. I know this was posted a few days ago... and everyone said everything I would say. Just know you are not alone.
We all have trials and tribulations, it's how we handle them that will either make us stronger, or weaken us. Keep that in mind for the future, and I'm sure you and Bob will be nothing but a stronger couple who can handle anything thrown your way.
This is the attitude I had to take from the time we were getting engaged. It was Sept. '01. Not only was the world falling apart, my life seemed as if I was being tested. My Mom was diagnosed w/ ovarian cancer. This, after she just fought the first cancer. Vin asked me at the time if I wanted to hold off on getting engaged? I thought it was sweet, but my answer was NO. Not b/c I needed to be engaged, but b/c I wasn't going to stop my life for anything. This was MY Mother too! I figured it would be something positive to focus on - when so much negative surrounded us. My Mother fought for her life, and was able to make it to our wedding w/ bells on. I have never felt guilty for any decisions we made.... this was just one example. - Nor should you. Pray and do make special time. Nothing in the world is more important than you, your husband and your family!

Re: Need emotional advice!

I am sorry you are going through this.



Not to regurgitate what has already been said, but it is important for you to make time for YOU. If you are not at your best or in the right state of mind you are no good to any of these people.

You WILL get through this and things will turn around.

Re: Need emotional advice!

Karen- You and I got married only weeks apart. Not only are we both dealing with the New-newlyweddedness But a ton of lifes bumps!

I thin each bump will help to make the both of you stronger and closer. I dont think that you should ignore all of the outside problems, because they will not go away. Express to your DH your concerns, maybe do something sparatic one weekend a month- Surprise him and take a drive out to montauk or into the city, just to walk around and enjoy each other, and not have to worry about whats going on in the world around you. Take three to four hours.. This way you will not feel too overstressed with your new work load but will be able to spend that quality time together... without feeling like you are neglecting anything or anyone.

As far as your loved ones who have become sick, pray and keep faith that everything will work out. If you are close to your father, ( I assume you are) after you talk to your DH see if maybe HE could cook a dinner for you and invite your Dad over.

Those are just some suggestions... I amm being faced with very similar situations, and have been VERY stressed as well... If you feel like talking, feel free to FM me!

Good LucK! I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
~Lauren

Re: Need emotional advice!

I'm sorry that you are having such a rough year. Keith and I dealt with a lot of family issues right before and after we got married as well. I can relate to the hectic work that the partners lay on you, as well.

But you have to remember that through all of this you have a wonderful partner to shoulder the burden and be thankful that in your tough times you are never alone.

to you and your husband. I hope things turn around soon

Re: Need emotional advice!

Well, it seems that a lot of us having difficult times that we're going through. For the last 3 years, I have been to more funerals and hospitals and had more friends and family diagnosed with cancer than.... I don't even know how to finish that sentence. It's definitely affecting my life and my husband's. He really tries to be understanding and he's sad about these people too, but most of them he knows through me, so it's different. And I won't even start on the job issues.

First of all, forgive yourself for having your moments when you feel overwhelmed. You can't 'turn it off' every night. You are going through a lot and you need time to cope with it all. The important thing to do is to make special times together, when you can just concentrate on your relationship (and take a break from all that's going on in your life). Do something special and make the most of it. Make a list of things you really want to do and take the time to do them. If there's anything these trying times teach you, it's that life can be crazy and to make sure that you take time to do some fun things and make some great memories. It's these fun things that make all the difficult times easier to bear.

I also find that exercise helps a lot. Also, never underestimate the value of girls' night out (or in)!

Hugs! Good luck!