need help! work and personal life got mixed up! (LONG)

I got married 4 months ago. I invited my boss, her assistant, and my then-teammate. None attended- only the assistant sent in her RSVP)

Okay, no one at work EVER acknowledged my wedding- no cards, no gifts, nothing...

So, yesterday I get an email from the assistant saying that WE are throwing a baby shower for the boss and one other colleague. She then went on to list what I was ASSIGNED to supply for the shower, as well as links to both of their registries because 'we are all getting individual gifts'

I called the assistant and said that since my wedding, I have decided that I don't really want to participate in these kinds of things anymore. She then asked if I ever got my wedding gift from her and the boss. (NO)...she said that she gave the boss money and the boss was supposed to buy it.

Well, the boss calls this morning all upset that I was 'looking around for wedding gifts' and that they have 1 year to give me a gift. And, that they did get me a gift off of my registry and even saw that it was purchased (No, it never was)

She then said how upset SHE was that I would ask about gifts and how she's been married almost a year and just got a gift and even had a member of the bridal party not give a gift and that she would never dream of asking the person about it.

I finally just said, 'okay, try to put yourself in my shoes. I got married 4 months ago. Someone just followed up on a gift that they sent, that I never received. Now, I have my boss yelling at me about it.'

We left off with her wanting to call Fortunoff and me being upset with how she was speaking to me. I also mentioned that I was uncomfortable with the discussion about her wedding and her lack of gifts. Still, we ended the conversation by her saying how HER day was ruined and she couldn't believe that I thought she wouldnt' sent me a gift...and that now she has to get me a gift, but how she's upset because I'm going to think it was 'a forced gift'...

I called the assistant back because they kept blaming Fortunoff and I know that they never purchased the gift. I was so heated that I told the assistant that I think the boss reacted VERY strangely and that if I had sent a gift that never arrived, I would NEVER be mad at the person who I was sending the gift to. I also asked the assitant what she said to the boss. She said she was very clear with the boss that I was NOT asking for a gift, but that it came up in conversation. She said that she reminded the boss about how she gave her 1/2 the money for the gift and wanted to know where the gift was. She said that the boss was asking for more details about our conversation, but that the assistant said she couldn't talk about it because they were planning something and she didn't want it to get ruined.

...Umm, I also might have mentioned that I don't think the boss ever did get anything...

bottom line: if they didnt' want to send a gift, that is fine with me, and I really do mean that. BUT, on the same token, I don't want to be told that I have been assigned things to do for her shower and that I need to get an individual gift...

HELP! ( I already told the assistant that I will supply my 'assigned' items. ) So, now I guess I need to go out shopping for their gifts...

Re: need help! work and personal life got mixed up! (LONG)

Hmm..I'd be pissed if I were you too. Your boss didn't respond to your wedding, nor did she get you a gift. Sounds like she jumped down your throat on the phone because she felt like an idiot for not getting you anything. And you made her look like a bigger idiot when she was confronted by the assistant..good job. If I were you, I would tell the assistant that you were really hurt by the lack of support by your job for your wedding and regardless if they gave you a gift now or not, it is after the fact and you really do not want to be a part of throwing the shower. I would pick up a small gift and give it to the boss anyway, to make her look even stupider and leave it at that.

Re: need help! work and personal life got mixed up! (LONG)

i know weddings arent about the gifts you get and you should just be happy for peoples well wishes but why does it seem that the people that dont send gifts always expect something from you when its there turn. i just think working so closely with someone they should have gotten you a gift thats just rude. i also think that its even worse that your boss took money and just put it in her pocket and didnt buy you anything with it. i would do very little for this womans shower, do enough to seem polite but i wouldnt buy something overly expensive.

Re: need help! work and personal life got mixed up! (LONG)

That is so wrong and rude on so many accounts. I am so sorry that you had to deal with that. You handled it better for me. I would have just sent back an e-mail that said sorry can't participate and give no further explaination and as for your boss I think she is acting like that out of guilt. I think the assistant gave her the money and she either pocketed it or completely forgot.

Don't worry about her, she is obviously not the type of person you want to stress over, just be cordial and professional.

Re: need help! work and personal life got mixed up! (LONG)

I think that your boss didn't buy a gift and now are trying to make Fortunoff look like the ones that screwed up. Fact of the matter is your boss never even sent back and RSVP, and from what I gather didn't even ACKNOWLEDGE your wedding. You didn't say to the assistant that you're mad that you didn't get gifts and that's why you're not going to participate, you are upset becuase of the lack of caring from your boss about the wedding in general. I would be mad too.

Can you tell your boss that it's NOT about the gift at all it's about the fact that she didn't even have the politeness to rsvp or at least TELL you she couldn't go, and no one asked about it before or after and that sort of lack or caring is what made you decide that you were not going to go overboard for others. I mean what do they expect, they can act like this yet you have to make a big deal out of her life event? Sheesh. People are so selfish and your boss sounds like a real winner.

Re: need help! work and personal life got mixed up! (LONG)

Sorry you have to deal with all this. Def. sounds like the boss pocketed the $ and is blaming Fortunoff.

However since you do work with these people I would participate in the shower but to a minimum - don't buy a gift off the registry - buy a cute little outfit or pretty frame and leave it at that.

Re: need help! work and personal life got mixed up! (LONG)

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Posted by Donna

Sorry you have to deal with all this. Def. sounds like the boss pocketed the $ and is blaming Fortunoff.

However since you do work with these people I would participate in the shower but to a minimum - don't buy a gift off the registry - buy a cute little outfit or pretty frame and leave it at that.

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I agree

Re: need help! work and personal life got mixed up! (LONG)

I think you have every right to be upset about this. I also invited many people from my job to my wedding, but since it was out-of-state and on a Sunday, none of them came. I was a little offended, esp. now that one of the other girls is getting married and everyone is just SOOOO interested in her plans when no one wanted to even hear about mine last year.... Grrrrrr... But to avoid these types of situations, maybe you can suggest a different way of dealing with these types of events so no one feels slighted? If it's any help, the way we deal with showers, etc. here at my job is that one person coordinates a fund, and people can either contribute or not for each event. Taht way everyone gets the same amount of recognition and no one feels left out. It sounds like that's what happend to you, so I'm sure it's happened to others at your workplace too.

It's hard, bc you don't want to offend anyone you work with, but at the same time - they really have some nerve TELLING you what to get for this baby shower when your own WEDDING sounds like it was just brushed under the rug. Is this favortism or something?
I don't think you should be made to feel that you're obligated to do anything, esp since you've told them how their actions about your own wedding made you feel. I agree with the personal gift - no reason to take it out on her by stiffing her a present, but at the same time - you should eb able to maek your own choice abotu something like this without having tasks assigned to you. Jeez - I guess people just can't be NICE anymore :( I hope this clears up for you!!

Re: need help! work and personal life got mixed up! (LONG)

It's total nonsense what you are going through with your boss and work etc...that is ridiculous and it's so twisted, your boss sounds really immature and is tacky...I also believe that weddings are not about money or gifts or expecting this or that, but I also was surprised that my supervisors that I work for - going on 8 yrs now, who I recently asked for a raise last year-in a very professional manner prior to my annual review....these supervisors drive in Mercedes, live in houses, are making a ton of money....didn't even cover their plates...I was a little taken aback...I received a $100 check for two people that are making 4 times what I make. And I wasn't even given a decent raise when I know I'm worth it.

Re: need help! work and personal life got mixed up! (LONG)

Your boss is an a-hole. Don't participate in the shower.

Re: need help! work and personal life got mixed up! (LONG)

All I can say is WOW..