Need some advice

I never thought that I would be doing this, but I cannot post under my own name.

I have a major problem and need some advice from the LIW ladies.

I have been married for a year and it seems like the spark has gone out. We have been together for more than 5 years and while sex was never a priority with my DH it has now become non-existant. We have talked about it and he swears that it's just that he is tired from working and that it's not me. After hearing this for several months and trying every way that I know of the entice him I have given up. In the last few years we have had sex less than 20 times. I think that's strange. He has had full physicals and nothing is wrong with him medically. Yes he works hard, both at work and at home but we both do. We have gone on vacation and he would rather sleep than have sex. I love him but my frustration is growing by leaps and bounds and I am tired of being rejected.

Here is my problem. I have been approached by someone on AOL who is in a predicament similiar to mine. We have been talking for a while as friends only, but I have been thinking about offering to take it further. I know I should stop now, but don't seem to be able to. He is interested and would like to meet in person to see where it goes.

He is leaving it entirely up to me to decide and we will remain friends even if I don't meet him. Has anyone had a problem like this? I just don't know what to do anymore and just want to cry. Help!

Re: Need some advice

First off

Secondly do not do anything with this person from AOL. It will only cause more complications.

My first marraige sounded exactly how you described. We had some other problems as well but intimacy was a BIG issue. He was no longer interested in sexual activity anymore and I didn't want to live my life as a 'sister' rather than a wife.

Have you talked to him about the situation and to let him know that is bothering you? My advice to you is to get some couseling. You need to find out if there are any other issues that he may have within your marraige that might be turning him off to anything intimate. You married your husband because you love him so before you do anything rash you should look at all options in working this problem out with your husband. You owe that to yourself as well as him.

Good luck and FM me any time.

Re: Need some advice

wear lingerie for your hubby..or how about just lipstick and a smile to bed..

sorry you are going through this, buy maybe talk to your DH or see a therapist

Re: Need some advice

Many, many hugs to you sweetie.

Bringing another person in to the picture will not help the situation it is still going to be there. You and your hubby need to talk, you need to express to him how this is making you feel and that if this situation does not get better, he is sending the message to you that it is ok to get your needs fulfilled by someone else. Please do talk about this first before doing anything.

Your hubby and you need to make an effort in making love, b/c it is so very easy to push it to the side, make dates with each other. There is a coupon book I got at borders which is really cool, you should look in to something like that, maybe a little mystery will add a little excitement

I wish you all the best.

Re: Need some advice

I agree with what others have posted. It's probably not a good idea to indulge the AOL opportunity. As we all probably remember from past dating experiences, the 'rebound' relationships never work! Counseling should be #1. If you and your husband both want to stay married you need to communicate! It's never easy to do... so talking with a third party may help. Maybe you should go separately at first, to break the ice, and then go as a couple. But I think it would help to get everything out in the open, and I hope that your husband is willing to do so! I'm sure with honesty and a little hard work everything will work out just the way it should.

Lots of luck to you, we're all here for you!

Re: Need some advice

I can't say it better then what's already been said but wanted to give you some

Re: Need some advice

I'm so sorry you are going through that! I don't wish that on my worst enemy.

I agree with what everyone on here said, you need to try to work things out before going outside of your marriage. Think about your vows 'for better or for worst, in sickness and in health!' I see your dilemma and it certainly is a hard one, but you have to be honest with your husband and yourself.

Look at Kobe (a bit drastic, but it's comparable), he would give anything to get out of the situation he's in and i'm sure he's like to take back what he did in a heart beat! I know you are open right now because things are not working out so good, but TRY your hardest before you sink further into something that could potentially screw up your life or make things worse.

Find a therapist, hash things out, it's worth it! If nothing else, it's better to part amicably and move on to another relationship, than to take the cowardess road and cheat on your husband. Being underhanded is not the answer it only creates drama and resentment.

I really hope you find a solution and please THINK before you jump into a pit of trouble.

I wish you the best!

Re: Need some advice

So sorry you are feeling this way. The one thing I will say is DONT start up with someone else. You will make your life extremely confusing. It doesnt solve anything. Like the other girls have said, what about approaching him about going to counseling? Hope it all works out.

Re: Need some advice

I think you should talk to your DH and let him know how you're feeling. I know you said you spoke to him before, but do it again and make sure he realizes that you are serious. He needs to know how you feel. I would then suggest that you both go to counseling. I'm sure that this really has nothing to do with you personally - he has probably got a lot of stress or worries that is affecting him.

As for the AOL opportunity, I would NOT pursue that. That will only make things worse and make you feel guilty for cheating.

Many to you. Hang in there!

Re: Need some advice

If you and your husband wish to remain married, then I would pursue counceling or professional help. Let him know how you are feeling...if you still love eachother, I'm sure it will work out.

As for you new friend...I would not meet up with him until you decide if your marriage is indeed over and your husband agrees.

good luck and I wish you all the best.

Re: Need some advice

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this

I agree with the others in that you should try and address the issue with your DH rather than opening up another issue with the AOL guy. In the end, that will only complicate matters even further and won't do anyone any good.

I'd sit down with your DH, and truly let him know how upset you really are about this. Counseling is a great suggestion if you are both willing to work things out and address the problems.

Hang in there and I hope things improve for you real soon

Re: Need some advice

I agree with advice of others... Don't do the AOL thing, it not right either for your or hubby... Talk to hubby and get some counseling first (if you wish to stay married)

Re: Need some advice

Ok an affair is definitely not the answer here and with someone online??? You don't even know if this person is a sicko. He may seem nice now because you have been chatting online but who knows what kind of person he can be in person. It's a bad idea and I think you should go to counseling and try fixing up your marriage. If you decide to separate or divorce then you can start persuing another relationshiop if you want, but to do it while you are married you will only make the situation worse.

Re: Need some advice

No No No! (I mean this lovingly) Please don't hook up with this person from AOL. If you pursue that relationship this will only be a temporary band-aid to the problem you are having within your marriage. After the sex, the problem will still be there and now on top of it you are adding infidelity to the mix.

Perhaps the problem is deeper than a physical one for your husband. (One of women I know from my church actually went through this with her husband, and it turned out that the problem stemed from his being abused as a child). If this is deeper than a physical problem you both need to seek professional help.

I'm so sorry you are going through this! Hang in there!!! I pray this will work out.

Re: Need some advice

I agree with everyone else. Please don't pursue the AOL relationship any further. It will only confuse you more and make a bad situation even worse.

Please seek counseling, either with your husband, or individually if he won't go with you.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be very difficult.

Re: Need some advice

Try to talk to your husband about your concerns with his lack of interest in that department. If that doesn't go anywhere, I suggest going to counseling together.
I wouldn't get involved with anyone else. Work on your relationship with your husband.
If your marriage is unable to be repaired and you go seperate ways, then you can entertain the thought of starting over.
I wish you lots of luck.

Re: Need some advice

like all the other women have said....work on your marriage first...If you love your husband as you say, respect him and try to get help (counseling) or decide to end it before you move on with someone else.

Re: Need some advice

I am sorry...definately seek counseling if you'd like to save your marriage.

Re: Need some advice

Lots of hugs from me and I really hope that everything works out.

Re: Need some advice

Thank you ladies for all of your advice. I really do know that I need to resolve this issue or move on it's just really difficult.

Just to let you know I have talked to my DH at length about this subject. I have asked him where sex ranks on his list of priorities and he said way down low, but that it doesn't mean that I do. But for me sex is a large part of our relationship and right now the lack of that is really hurting me. He knows this. I have told him. About the only thing I haven't told him is that he is driving me to someone else.

I miss the intimacy and no matter how many times he tells me that it's not me I keep thinking that somewhere deep down it must be. It isn't something physical for him..no Viagra is necessary, he just always seems to have other things to do or is too tired.

I have tried everything I know. Sexy lingerie, candles, dates and nothing works.

I guess the only option is counseling or I will have to end it.
Thanks for all of your help.