Re: Need some advice

I am really really sorry that you are going through this. We can all sit here and try to rationalize what is going on, and if your DH won't open up, then you'll never really know what the underlying issue is.
Before getting intimiate with someone other than your DH, please talk to him again about it. Are you looking to be with this man for the intimacy or are you looking to leave your husband? I definitely think counseling would be helpful for the two of you. Try to work things out, if you truly love each other. If not, then I would personally call it quits before developing an intimate relationship with someone else.

Good Luck to you. I hope it all works out for your best!

Re: Need some advice

You have no idea if the person on AOL is having the same issues or is even safe for you to met so honestly, that should be out of the question.

Now in terms of your marriage there is a problem. And your DH needs to admit that this is a problem, whether he thinks so or not. I would go to a therapist asap. Tell your DH that you are unhappy and that being tired for YEARS is not going to fly anymore.

I am truly sorry that you feel so rejected and bad and are in this situation. But be proactive and work on it, rather than bring in someone else.

Re: Need some advice

I am so sorry. I think you've gotten some great advice here. I definately think that since you've tried pretty much everything, it's time to tell your DH just how serious you are about this. Tell him that sex is an important part of your relationship and you don't want to be driven elsewhere for intimacy. Let him know just how very important this is to you.

to you. We're here for ya

Re: Need some advice

I think counseling should be your next option. As indicated above, you have tried everything else. Give your marriage a chance to work. I wish you all the best.

Re: Need some advice

Everybody has such great insight..I really have nothing to add except one thing.

Sometimes 'sexy' isn't what needs to happen. It's quite possibly the sweetest thing in the world that you have tried lingerie, lipstick, candles, and so on -

But let's just say...sometimes intimacy issues run very deep. And sometimes they seem to appear out of nowhere, even after years and years of a normal 'sex' life... but let's call it 'intimacy' life. I completely understand your frustrations and concerns, but please also keep in mind that your husband is suffering as well. Withdrawing,sleeping, listing sex as a low priority....it's not an easy place to be.

The best thing you can do is keep the communication flowing. It's not you. I can promise you that. More than 100%. I think counseling would do you loads of good as a couple....but I think therapy for your husband on his own might start him working through some of the forest he has wandered into. The roots can run very deep....and sometimes from very long ago.

Good luck to you. Forget the AOL person - you probably wont' be attracted to him anyway!

Re: Need some advice

I think you've gotten some really great sound advice on here!

I see you've tried a lot, but not everything - trust me, when it comes to saving your marriage there are infinite amount of things you can try!

Find a good counselor - I can refer you to one if you'd like (fm me), she's really good! Then you need to bring up in your session the fact that you are on the verge of leaving b/c of the lack of intimacy. He needs to know that he's driving you to another person. YOu have to be very open and honest about issues like this and the whole topic needs to be opened.

Also, please remember that for men, it's really difficult getting them to open up and share their true feelings about things. I think you owe him the respect to try to get him to really express himself. Even more importantly, you've only been married 1 YEAR!!! You can't run everytime things are not working out perfectly, hang in there and stick things out!

If he doesn't have the desire to be intimate something is DEFINITELY wrong! You should really treat this like an emergency and get some counseling like - YESTERDAY! I truly get sad when i see people give up so quickly on each other.

I'll pray for you!

Re: Need some advice

First you need

You already have gotten great advice.

I do want to say that, in my experience some men 'can't' talk about certain things. My DH and I communicate very well in my opinion, but when it comes to sensitive topics such as sex it is very, very difficult for him.

We've gone through some 'intimacy issues' and I also have 2 good friends that have gone through them as well (1 married, 1 not). All of us have worked through them, and have resolved them. I thought it might help to know that it's not uncommon. And in all 3 cases, lack of attraction was not even a part of the problem.
Counseling would be my next step if I were in your same situation. The counselor will advise you if you should meet as a couple or separately.

Re: Need some advice

Please do not meet the AOL person just yet. I know it seems tempting because he is showing you the affection that you are missing with your husband, but going down that road is not what you need right now. It will complicate things further and right now your concern should be trying to simplify things.

Sometimes our lives get so 'busy' with all the small stuff that we forget about what is really important. If you truly love your husband and he loves you the most important thing right now is finding the intimacy you once shared. It sounds like it got lost in your busy lives. Like some of the ladies mentioned, that does not necessarily mean, sexy lingerie, or candles. Intimacy is a 'look', or a word, or the way you speak to each other on the phone during the day. When you talk are you also 'matter of fact' or 'just the facts'? When DH and I talk during the day, we hurry through the stuff about the kids or the house and at the end we also say 'psssttt, I love you' in a whisper. We also leave notes for each other everywhere that say 'SHMILY'. It means 'See How Much I Love You?' DH has even written this on the condensation on the mirrors in the bathroom. It is also engraved on our wedding bands. This is the kind of intimacy you need the develope with you DH. I NEVER wear lingerie and DH travels about 75% for his job. He took a red eye home from CA last week so he didn't sleep all night, he went to work when the plane landed, came home that night, helped me cook and get the kids to bed and then wanted to have sex!

I wouldn't buy the excuse from him 'I'm tired'. It sound like you have a lack of intimacy and he feels it too.

Please go to counseling together. When you say you talked to him have you suggested a theapist? What is his response?

Good luck to you! Please hold off on pursuing another man until you know for sure if you can salvage your marriage.

Good luck sweetie and please keep us updated.

Much love

Re: Need some advice

Before you do anything drastic, like meet this AOL person, you need to determine what you want to do with you life. Nothing good can come out of this AOL thing.

There appears to be a break-down in communications between you and DH. Either he does not know the seriousness of the situation or he is ignoring it and both are a serious problem. Ask him to go to counselling with you and if he refuses, go yourself and decide what is best for you.

This is a tough predicament, but don't do anything rash. Best of luck to you.

Re: Need some advice

I didn't read all your responses so I don't know if anyone mentioned this: I know you said there is nothing medically wrong with him I am assuming you meant for that problem. Does he take any medication for anything? Blood pressure medication, depression medication and actually some vitimans have a affect on you. Also if he is depressed that could also do it. My friend was like that the doctor put her on depression medication and now she is totally opposite but she had to try two different medication.

I agree though, no AOL person. Work at the problems together as long as he is willing to also!

Good Luck to you and keep trying!

Re: Need some advice

just curious? what is the cuddling situation? do you guys touch each other in non sexual ways?