Needed to Vent... (added apology) UPDATE ON PAGE 2

Original post by Wifeynella

Jan 18, 2009 10:46 AM

... and it appears that everyone who usually vents to me is too busy for me. I cant go to my mom b/c she has enough to deal with but besides that, she ALWAYS sides with DH.

One major issue in our relationship has always been sex or the lack there of. Not your usual argument either, because I am the one who wants more (I really had to be a womanizing man in a past life... lmao).

The first reason/excuse for the lack of it was that DH *claimed* his past relationships never wanted it so they'd turn him down all the time. So he got used to going with less. Since 'no' is not really I word I ever use when it comes to sex, that felt like a moot issue.

The next reason/excuse by DH was: sex isnt a big priority to him so he doesn't think about it often. My rebuttal to that is always the same: I have moved things that weren't priorities to me up in rank b/c they are impt. to him, shouldnt the same be done in reciprocal?

The last response is always the one that makes me crawl up into a ball and cry: 'I'll try'. I'm blown away that a person would have to TRY to want to have sex with me.

I'm not saying that I'm a supermodel, because I'm far from it. I'm blown away b/c I've NEVER had this issue before. Sex is honestly just something I'm good at. lmaoo. I'm really not trying to be conceited. When DH and I started to have this issue VERY early on in the relationship (2-3 months into dating) I asked past lovers and b/fs if it's something I'm doing. That was the one thing they all agreed on that I was very 'gifted' in this area. One (who cheated on me repeatedly) even said that we would have broken up a lot earlier had the sex not been as good. Mine you, we broke up b/c he had a whole other relationship on the side.

When DH and I would talk and I brought that up, all of a sudden that was a NEW reason why he was so not into sex. He 'was intimated'.

We've been together now 5 years and I'm officially at my wits ends. I'm so tired of having to (a) guilt him into sex (b) be the one to actually start/pursue him (c) feeling so unwanted.

Sex is a big part of a healthy relationship in my eyes and so it hurts me to have someone who couldn't care less about it, but at the same time doesn't seem to care that it DOES hurt me and make me feel so blah.

ETA: I want to seriously apologize. I don't like to air my dirty laundry as it were, and I would usually NEVER talk about this in such a public way but I am at my wit's end and the people I usually go to aren't available to me. Im sorry for putting all of this on here and if I made/make anyone uncomfortable, I'm very very sorry.

Wifeynella Posted: Jan 18, 2009 01:25 PM

Re: Needed to Vent... (added apology)

Posted by TM2008

this problem obviously goes deeper than we all thought from the first post.

like i asked before - have you ever gotten a REAL answer out of him?? like, to the point where he said 'yes, i have a sex drive problem' or 'i still love you put am a little depressed right now'

i hear a lot of how you are trying (and dont get me wrong, thats AWESOME and you should feel great about yourself) but i still dont hear anything about getting a clear cut answer from him about anything.... or will he not even give you an answer?

Everytime we talk about it he always goes back to the reasons I mentioned in the beginning. Occasionally he'll add that he is shyer than I am.

And when I say talk, I mean we really talk and it appears we get everything out. 1-2 hour conversations at a pop.

wundmoretime Posted: Jan 18, 2009 01:29 PM

Re: Needed to Vent... (added apology)

Posted by BklynBride2Be

Posted by wundmoretime

Another point I wanted to make, is sometimes if you push to hard for something they might not do it because then they feel like if they do it it was fake and only done to satisfy you and that doesn't make the situation better. Have you decided to stop 'nagging' about sex. Don't mention it...Don't initiate it...FORGET ABOUT IT. Give it a month or two and see what happens. Keep yourself up, dress nice etc but don't make a move and don't mention S_E_X.... See if he makes a move. I had an issue with DH that I use to nag nag and nag him about.I stopped. It took awhile but he surprised me with what I wanted (w/o getting more specific here). Sometimes with holding gets you what you want also. Maybe he is tired of hearing it. Give him a break and see if he makes a move. JMO. I don't think it can hurt this situation.

I have actually and its my usual mode. We'd discuss it and then I'd wait 6-8 weeks to see if it changes. I've waited up to 4 months and NO change! I went 4 months without anything except PG kisses and hugs as if I was 13 again!

Wow..This really sounds like he is not going to change. It really does sound like he needs to commit to working on this with you or I hate to say this, but the relationship will fail. Everything you tried doesn't seem to be working and he is not trying to make it work. If he is not willing to go to counseling with you, you need to go alone. This is not something you can resolve on your own and talking to him is going nowhere. He needs to get a medical workup to make sure that there is nothing medically wrong then to sit down with a counselor so he can understand what is wrong and work on getting it better. He might not have the answers either. Sorry you have to deal with, esp as a newlywed when this should be your best times together. Again, please don't take it personally though. It is not you or how you look. He would not have married you if that was the case.

TommysWife08 Posted: Jan 18, 2009 01:39 PM

Re: Needed to Vent... (added apology)

Posted by wundmoretime

Wow..This really sounds like he is not going to change. It really does sound like he needs to commit to working on this with you or I hate to say this, but the relationship will fail. Everything you tried doesn't seem to be working and he is not trying to make it work. If he is not willing to go to counseling with you, you need to go alone. This is not something you can resolve on your own and talking to him is going nowhere. He needs to get a medical workup to make sure that there is nothing medically wrong then to sit down with a counselor so he can understand what is wrong and work on getting it better. He might not have the answers either. Sorry you have to deal with, esp as a newlywed when this should be your best times together. Again, please don't take it personally though. It is not you or how you look. He would not have married you if that was the case.

ITA

since you have done everything we are saying, it sounds like there is a real deep issue that he isnt talking about... what that is, i have no idea.

maybe you can bring up sex therapy again or just straight up therapy while explaining how much this means to YOU and how upset YOU are and how you are feeling not desired

Wifeynella Posted: Jan 18, 2009 02:43 PM

Re: Needed to Vent... (added apology)

I think you guys are right and that's what scares me.

You always hear and learn early on, you cant change someone, and my fear is this is just DH and he doesn't want to change it (shown in his lack of doing anything to compromise where we are both happy with the outcome) that we are basically doomed.

SFAR89 Posted: Jan 18, 2009 04:20 PM

Re: Needed to Vent... (added apology)

This is tough. I actually have a problem with sex, DH doesn't know b/c I am embarrassed to tell him. But I need to go to a doctor and figure some things out. I have no sex drive, at all. I rarely ever 'want' to really have sex. So I can undertsand. However, It doesn't stop me from having sex with DH. I make sure that he is kept happy. I am very happy with the sex that we have, when we have it, but I am just not one to go jumping all over him all the time.

Then again, even though he wants it all the time, he never initiates it! That drives me nuts sometimes. I would say 90% of the time he will never initiate it. So that pisses me off too.

I mean, maybe he can go to a counselor alone. Have you ever talked about that? Maybe he can go and talk about it with someone without you there and see if that can help him??? I would feel embarrassed talking about it and having DH in the same room.

Have you brought that up?

Future Mulligan Posted: Jan 18, 2009 05:14 PM

Re: Needed to Vent... (added apology)

first i dont think you need to apologize - you are very brave for coming on here looking for advice, help and just to vent......

i know that my DH sometimes feels like i dont want hm - or we dont do it enough - but then that changes and im the one who wants it more and im the one who is complaining - so sometimes DH and i are not on the same page when it comes to how often we should be doing the deed - and that, i think, is kind of normal...BUT you said you can go months without him wanting it or initiating and that is what i guess you could call a problem....maybe he has a very low sex drive - which wouldnt have anything to do with you - and i agree with the other girls that maybe he can speak to his doctor or a therapist....not to be gross, but if he isnt like masturbating sorry that word makes me laugh - and he isnt having sex than it really could be some kind horomonal thing, or emotional thing, or whatever - and that isnt because of you KWIM? so dont think you arent beautiful or sexy or things like that....i would really try to encourage your DH to not be embarrased and maybe talk to someone either alone or as a couple....

jgl Posted: Jan 18, 2009 05:28 PM

Re: Needed to Vent... (added apology)

try not initiating.. see if he realizes that the 2 of you havent done the deed. maybe he needs to be the one to start initiating

hth.. otherwise.. you may have to deal with the fact that, that is how he is. like you said the roles are reversed you would typically be the guy.. so just think most guys have to deal with what you are dealing with

Wifeynella Posted: Jan 18, 2009 05:46 PM

Re: Needed to Vent... (added apology)

I think I going to follow your advice ladies and try to speak with him again about going to speak to someone about it. whether it be a doctor or therapist, but someone.

thank you all so much i really appreciate all of your help today with this.

del Rio Posted: Jan 18, 2009 05:47 PM

Re: Needed to Vent... (added apology)

I agree with most previous posters that maybe you and your DH should seek a sex therapist. Although I don't have any further advice to add I did want to commend you for actually coming on here and venting such a personal subject and I do not feel that you should be sorry about it. After all, I believe that is what the board is for!

Aug07OFCbride Posted: Jan 18, 2009 06:06 PM

Re: Needed to Vent... (added apology)

id suggest seeing a therapist, like a marriage therapist, who might be able to help you both talk through what is going on. im sorry youre feeling unwanted and so upset.

jmo, but I really dont think offering up 'extreme things' is a solution bc those things you mentioned (threesomes and going out west to a ranch...) do absolutely nothing to address the intimacy b/n you and your husband alone. it would likely just distract/cover up the real issue. and besides that, thankfully, he doesnt sound interested in trying that.

and if hes sort of uncomfortable sexually for some reason then i think going with a regular therapist is the best bet, not bringing him to a sex therapist since he said that would be embarrassing.

the other thing i was thinking about is if he has been like this all along, did you think it would change after marriage? are you 100% committed to working through this with him? big questions.

I Love my bear Posted: Jan 18, 2009 07:02 PM

Re: Needed to Vent... (added apology)

I think its an insecurity issue on his side. Please don't take any offense to this but your initiating it maybe intimidating to him. It may make him feel inadequate in some sense, he may be a little put off and feel like its too aggressive and feel like he's losing his manliness. I don't think you are doing anything wrong, please understand I can completely see that you are trying everything you can to make this work. This has to come from him and he has to sit down with someone and work these issues out. Please support him through this b/c it is probably just as frustrating for him as it is you. Best of Luck!

RisiLeigh Posted: Jan 18, 2009 07:34 PM

Re: Needed to Vent... (added apology)

This is definitely a tough one! I don't have much more to offer b/c I agree with all the girls that you should have another really serious heart-to-heart and see what happens.

DH and I definitely have issues in the bedroom at times, and I am mostly at fault b/c I am the shy one, and don't initiate things, etc. And it bothers me more than him, b/c I know how I used to be with my previous b/f's and all, and I was definitely not this inhibited with them. DH doesn't really know that... I think it's b/c with all my ex's, they were quiet and shy and I took the more 'dominant' role in our relationships, in every way. With DH, I am definitely the shyer one, and quieter one, so I guess it comes thru in the sexual aspect, too.

Please keep us posted! Don't ever feel the need to apologize for venting and sharing something so personal! We all chose to read your post, so you're not offending anyone!!!

Wifeynella Posted: Jan 18, 2009 07:42 PM

Re: Needed to Vent... (added apology)

Posted by Aug07OFCbride

id suggest seeing a therapist, like a marriage therapist, who might be able to help you both talk through what is going on. im sorry youre feeling unwanted and so upset.

jmo, but I really dont think offering up 'extreme things' is a solution bc those things you mentioned (threesomes and going out west to a ranch...) do absolutely nothing to address the intimacy b/n you and your husband alone. it would likely just distract/cover up the real issue. and besides that, thankfully, he doesnt sound interested in trying that.

and if hes sort of uncomfortable sexually for some reason then i think going with a regular therapist is the best bet, not bringing him to a sex therapist since he said that would be embarrassing.

the other thing i was thinking about is if he had been like this all along, did you think it would change after marriage? are you 100% committed to working through this with him? big questions.

I understand what you are saying but those 'extreme things' were used as examples as far as 'id do as little as as much as he'd want'.

As far as changing after the wedding, every discussion always ends in 'i'll try' so trusting him implicitly, I always believe him. the problem is he never holds true to it. had i not thought it was something we could meet on common ground about I never would have worked down the aisle. I dont believe in divorce so that isnt even an option. Also neither of us have or could every be unfaithful b/c we've been on the rec'ing end of it so that is always not even an option.

If it came down to this is as much as i'm going to have to just come to terms with it and really get to KNOW myself more often. I just want to exhaust all of our options. I have the mind frame that you have to try everything and anything before settling.

As cheesy as it sounds DH does complete me and fulfill me in every other way imaginable. And when actually have sex, its off the charts so of course I want to more than once a month.

Aug07OFCbride Posted: Jan 19, 2009 12:19 AM

Re: Needed to Vent... (added apology)

its really good to hear that youre absolutely committed to him and your marriage and doing whatever you have to to work through this! thats a great place to start- youre so willing. its probably is really difficult to think about but it sounds like even if it means things not improving quickly, youre still in it for the long run. hang onto that. i really hope for you that he is willing to just go talk to a therapist, alone or with you (preferably) and try to figure out what is going on (do you know if hes at all willing?). like others said, he may even just be dealing with low libido and if so, he should bring that to his doctor and see if they can figure something out. its hard not to put pressure on yourself to try to fix it and keep doing things on your end, but you sound like youve like exhausted all these things to try to spark the intimacy.... at some point, his 'issues' have to be addressed and he needs to be making an effort too. thats marriage! best of luck in this. im sure its not easy but clearly there are alot of girls on here that will listen and offer support when you need it.

TrueLoveIn2008 Posted: Jan 19, 2009 08:42 AM

Re: Needed to Vent... (added apology)

I don't have much to offer you - seems like you've gotten all the suggestions I would have given you (except going to a strip club???? I have a feeling you've mentioned that to him however, but I wanted to mention it .. .). I just wanted to tell you that I hope things get better for you and give you some

Kimbalina Posted: Jan 19, 2009 12:17 PM

Re: Needed to Vent... (added apology)

Do not apologize!!! I just saw this thread and I think that you are bringing up somthing important.

I know with myself, when i am stressed or unhappy with something in my life weather it is related to marriage or not.. sex does not seem intresting or appealing at all.

It sounds like you are TRYING very hard to make DH happy as well as your self. Of corse we all want to feel wanted by our spouses. If he doesnt understand why you want to have sex so often then let him know that it is about desire and wanting you. That althoug you are providing for eachother and married... feeling sexy and wanted by some one else, especially your husband is just as important if not more.

Kimbalina Posted: Jan 19, 2009 12:18 PM

Re: Needed to Vent... (added apology)

Posted by BklynBride2Be
As cheesy as it sounds DH does complete me and fulfill me in every other way imaginable. And when actually have sex, its off the charts so of course I want to more than once a month.

That is great to hear. Maybe he needs to hear those exact words more??

Wifeynella Posted: Jan 21, 2009 01:45 PM

Re: Needed to Vent... (added apology)

UPDATE:

DH and I talked for a long time, got a lot out that neither of us knew so we are going to continue to try and work on it ourselves for a while but it we aren't getting anywhere we both agreed to go and speak to a pro.

I wanted to thank all of you SOOOOOOOO much for your advice, compassion and kind words.