Needed to Vent... (added apology) UPDATE ON PAGE 2

... and it appears that everyone who usually vents to me is too busy for me. I cant go to my mom b/c she has enough to deal with but besides that, she ALWAYS sides with DH.

One major issue in our relationship has always been sex or the lack there of. Not your usual argument either, because I am the one who wants more (I really had to be a womanizing man in a past life... lmao).

The first reason/excuse for the lack of it was that DH *claimed* his past relationships never wanted it so they'd turn him down all the time. So he got used to going with less. Since 'no' is not really I word I ever use when it comes to sex, that felt like a moot issue.

The next reason/excuse by DH was: sex isnt a big priority to him so he doesn't think about it often. My rebuttal to that is always the same: I have moved things that weren't priorities to me up in rank b/c they are impt. to him, shouldnt the same be done in reciprocal?

The last response is always the one that makes me crawl up into a ball and cry: 'I'll try'. I'm blown away that a person would have to TRY to want to have sex with me.

I'm not saying that I'm a supermodel, because I'm far from it. I'm blown away b/c I've NEVER had this issue before. Sex is honestly just something I'm good at. lmaoo. I'm really not trying to be conceited. When DH and I started to have this issue VERY early on in the relationship (2-3 months into dating) I asked past lovers and b/fs if it's something I'm doing. That was the one thing they all agreed on that I was very 'gifted' in this area. One (who cheated on me repeatedly) even said that we would have broken up a lot earlier had the sex not been as good. Mine you, we broke up b/c he had a whole other relationship on the side.

When DH and I would talk and I brought that up, all of a sudden that was a NEW reason why he was so not into sex. He 'was intimated'.

We've been together now 5 years and I'm officially at my wits ends. I'm so tired of having to (a) guilt him into sex (b) be the one to actually start/pursue him (c) feeling so unwanted.

Sex is a big part of a healthy relationship in my eyes and so it hurts me to have someone who couldn't care less about it, but at the same time doesn't seem to care that it DOES hurt me and make me feel so blah.

ETA: I want to seriously apologize. I don't like to air my dirty laundry as it were, and I would usually NEVER talk about this in such a public way but I am at my wit's end and the people I usually go to aren't available to me. Im sorry for putting all of this on here and if I made/make anyone uncomfortable, I'm very very sorry.

I know exactly how you feel! We were have some issues in the bedroom as well, or lack there of! So I know where you are coming from. You need to sit down and talk to him about it! What I found worked for us..was to spice things up, try different things, actually wear something sexy (I wasn't helping the situation either, I haven't worn lingerie since our honeymoon! ), Also try planning a date night..we do that sometimes now,, and it really helps the routine mundane feeling couples get into! We also have set aside a night we call 'sex night' lol where we devote the whole night to sex..and we'll go in the hot tub, take showers. etc! This really helped break things up! I hope things get better.

I think you need to be open and honest with him and tell him just how much this is hurting you and effecting your relationship. I am sorry hun it sounds like you are very hurt, Im thinking DH probal doesnt realize how much this is hurting you and once he does will try to fix the situation

i guess i can sort of kinda relate to you DH in the sense that, i personally do not need sex everyday to stay satisfied... there are so many other things that satisfy me in terms of 'being with' DH that i get pleasure out of... maybe he feels the same way?

dont get me wrong, i LOVE sex... LOVE IT and of course i still get turned on by my DH... lol but i dont want that to be the only thing me and DH do to be close.... i like to do other things IE-foreplay, massages, cooking a nice dinner and cuddling all night, treating HIM to some sexy time play

i think you def need to talk to him and tell him how its effecting you.... my DH had the same talk with me and after i explained that its not like i dont like having sex 24/7, i would just rather do other things sometimes to be close with him.... i never want to fall into a 'routine' of having sex every monday wednesday and friday lol, KWIM?

maybe if you talk to him he will express some of the things i know i feel about the situation

good luck

Thanks Ladies.

DH and I have talked about it for 5 years. I'm not one to keep things inside. I usually try to see if anything changes over a month but at the end of the month - for 5 years - I've been disappointed.

I am also very straight forward and I dont beat around the bush. I'm very clear in how it makes me feel about myself and how I feel he views me because of this.

I hear what you are saying, TM2008, but I feel the same way in the respect that its not just sex its anything sexual: foreplay, massages, etc. All of it is left by the waste side.

I have offered of numerous ideas and followed a bunch of them through. The thing that happens though is I am the one doing everything and he does NOTHING.

ex: (1) I met him at after a night class he was taking in March wearing nothing but a bra, garter, thigh highs, knee high boots and a black trench coat. I was FREEZING!

(2) I've bought numerous games to play. One for his birthday last year - it STILL has the wrapper on it!

(3) I have a drawer filled to the brim with lingerie. Alot of it he picked out or bought with me. Most still have tags!

(4) I brought up the idea of a date night.

My issue is I am ALWAYS initializing anything sexual/sensual. So it feels as if I'm constantly throwing myself of him and he only does anything b/c he doesnt want to hurt my feelings. But my feelings are hurt anyway (and he knows it b/c i've said it) b/c other than me doing everything he does NOTHING!

If its not the bare min. DH doesn't do it.

Last week I tried AGAIN to show him it doesnt take much to do a little something extra to show you care. it continues to fall on deaf eyes and lack of action.

sex is just not important to him. At one point someone in the relationship hits that (doesn't matter if your dating two months or married 20 years it happens) i guess like you said you have talked to him about it over and over again and it seems like he doesn't want to try to rev up his sex life with you so not to sound like a freak I would go out and buy toys. Yes its not the same but it clears your head enough not to start looking elsewhere to fill that void. It also might get your husband realizing that he really is not keeping up his part. I think to expect to have sex once a week is really a normal expectation to have, if you have more then that is great! If he ignores you weeks on end then I would say step up and do therapy (sex therapist) because in the end if this is something VERY important to you - your going to start wanting it more and more and may stray.

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Posted by nifheim

sex is just not important to him. At one point someone in the relationship hits that (doesn't matter if your dating two months or married 20 years it happens) i guess like you said you have talked to him about it over and over again and it seems like he doesn't want to try to rev up his sex life with you so not to sound like a freak I would go out and buy toys. Yes its not the same but it clears your head enough not to start looking elsewhere to fill that void. It also might get your husband realizing that he really is not keeping up his part. I think to expect to have sex once a week is really a normal expectation to have, if you have more then that is great! If he ignores you weeks on end then I would say step up and do therapy (sex therapist) because in the end if this is something VERY important to you - your going to start wanting it more and more and may stray.

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I have to agree with this. I have the opposite situation, where dh could have sex all day and night everyday, but not me. It has nothing to do with me not being attracted to him or not wanting to be close to him, or it not being good, its actually incredible! Its just not something that i think about or need a lot of. Sometimes he gets annoyed with me, but i think he understands now that there is nothing wrong with him and that it doesn't mean i don't love him. This may be horrible of me to say, but sex, to me, is like working out. I know i'll feel great in the end, but just thinking about all the energy i need to get into it just makes me tired! Dh used to bother me all the time about it, and that actually was a turn off for me. Now he doesn't really talk about it as much and its more spontaneous, which i love!

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Posted by BklynBride2Be

I hear what you are saying, TM2008, but I feel the same way in the respect that its not just sex its anything sexual: foreplay, massages, etc. All of it is left by the waste side.

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hmm... i see what you are saying... EVERYTHING just seems unimportant to him ie-not just sex... but 'being with' him in other sensual ways

have you ever seriously sat down and hand an indepth convo... like ASKED him straight up why things of this nature arent important to him?? i would try to get a clear cut answer from him before moving forward!

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Posted by Soon2beAlberti

not that YOU need to try harder...but since he's the one who needs more of a push...have you tried letting him come home to you cooking in the kitchen in sexy lingerie? or telling him to take a bubble bath with you while you rub his back after work. maybe he's just feeling tired and lazy. If you get him to unwind a bit and make him feel like you're catering to him a bit before 'going in for the kill' maybe he will feel more in the mood as opposed to feeling like an exhausted piece of meat. (I'm just trying to think of how I sometimes feel, because my hubby has a WAY stronger sexual appetite than I do) I know sometimes my hubby will just 'go in for the kill' and IMMEDIATELY try to touch me in my errogenous zones and it kinda turns me off when it's so technical and BAM...I kinda like more build up and intimacy. if he just kinda ran his fingers lightly along my leg and body beforehand it might turn me on more so, this way I'd actually be 'built up' enough to WANT passionate sex.

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i have. Lazy is a great definition of DH in this area. This past week was a good example. I cooked him a very nice meal, not in lingerie but in stuff he tends to like (low cut tank and yoga pants). I baked him dessert and I gave him a massage and voila. Sure, he'll have sex when I give him a map, and walk him thru it step by step or when I've gotten to the point of crying over it (i.e. pity sex in my eyes). The problem is HIM starting it. HIM making the effort.

It KILLS me that he supposedly wanted his exs so much that he'd start with him but for me, HIS WIFE, he cant be bothered.

I'm a very confident person in and of myself. I know I'm not a beauty queen but I'm a good looking girl with a curvy body. Its so weird to say b/c it sounds so snotty but I've never had this problem in the past.

I cry because it feels like a cosmic joke: all the guys before DH were on the same level as me in their appetite, but there was nothing else really there. Then I find DH where everything else is perfect and our appetites are complete opposites. And every time I go to speak with him about it, he shuts down. He gets quiet and self-loathing so the conversation turns to me trying to make him feel better.

We've had countless discussions. If we avg'd once a month last year I'd rounding up.

I'd was used to 3-4 times a week before DH. I'd be thrilled with once a week with him, we BARELY get once a month.

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Posted by nifheim

sex is just not important to him. At one point someone in the relationship hits that (doesn't matter if your dating two months or married 20 years it happens) i guess like you said you have talked to him about it over and over again and it seems like he doesn't want to try to rev up his sex life with you so not to sound like a freak I would go out and buy toys. Yes its not the same but it clears your head enough not to start looking elsewhere to fill that void. It also might get your husband realizing that he really is not keeping up his part. I think to expect to have sex once a week is really a normal expectation to have, if you have more then that is great! If he ignores you weeks on end then I would say step up and do therapy (sex therapist) because in the end if this is something VERY important to you - your going to start wanting it more and more and may stray.

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I'm not a toy person, but lets just say I know myself in and out! lmao.

I have bought up a sex therapist about 4-5 times and each time he shuts down even more b/c he's embarrassed.

wow i didn't realize that it was barely once a month. Would he be willing to talk to a doctor like some of the girls mentioned? I think in his case medicine might help if its just a chemical thing. As long as its not a deeper issue, he should want to do SOMETHING to help the situation.

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Posted by Soon2beAlberti

also, he could be into alternative sex and not want to say anything or be ashamed of it. I know of a situation where somebody was having probs in the relationship and almost split because of it. Come to find out the guy was into kinky sex...bondage, submission what have you...it wasn't a deal breaker...but because the girl didn't know and he was too scared to say anything...it almost ended a relationship that ended up blossoming. You never know.

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i have asked him his fantasies and told him mine. I've offered a 3-some or to go to the ranch out west. i'm very comfortable in this area that i'd be willing to discuss and/or try anything. and again, i've made it very clear.

honestly you don't have to apologize. Everyone has a choice to read this or not, and to participate or not. This is exactly what the newlywed board is for. I've learned so many things from this site simply from listening to stories and experiences. So many times i've thought 'wow, i'm not the only one that feels that way!' Sometimes its easier to open up to complete strangers (well not complete )

this problem obviously goes deeper than we all thought from the first post.

like i asked before - have you ever gotten a REAL answer out of him?? like, to the point where he said 'yes, i have a sex drive problem' or 'i still love you put am a little depressed right now'

i hear a lot of how you are trying (and dont get me wrong, thats AWESOME and you should feel great about yourself) but i still dont hear anything about getting a clear cut answer from him about anything.... or will he not even give you an answer?

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Posted by wundmoretime

Another point I wanted to make, is sometimes if you push to hard for something they might not do it because then they feel like if they do it it was fake and only done to satisfy you and that doesn't make the situation better. Have you decided to stop 'nagging' about sex. Don't mention it...Don't initiate it...FORGET ABOUT IT. Give it a month or two and see what happens. Keep yourself up, dress nice etc but don't make a move and don't mention S_E_X.... See if he makes a move. I had an issue with DH that I use to nag nag and nag him about.I stopped. It took awhile but he surprised me with what I wanted (w/o getting more specific here). Sometimes with holding gets you what you want also. Maybe he is tired of hearing it. Give him a break and see if he makes a move. JMO. I don't think it can hurt this situation.

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I have actually and its my usual mode. We'd discuss it and then I'd wait 6-8 weeks to see if it changes. I've waited up to 4 months and NO change! I went 4 months without anything except PG kisses and hugs as if I was 13 again!