NY POST article - what are your thoughts???
March 2, 2004 -- EVERYTHING you thought you knew about marriage just may be wrong.
Love isn't all you need, honesty is overrated and children can drive you apart.
So contends Dr. John W. Jacobs, whose new book, 'All You Need Is Love, and Other Lies about Marriage' (HarperCollins, $24.95), takes many long-accepted 'truths' and turns them on their head.
'There are myths that marriages are natural and easy to do,' says Jacobs, a New York psychiatrist who began working with couples in the early '80s, after his own divorce.
In fact, he says, marriages are fragile - and knowing how to keep them healthy is anything but intuitive, natural and easy.
The facts seem to bear that out. Half of all first marriages end in divorce, and two-thirds of all subsequent marriages fail as well.
The reason, says Jacobs, is divorce is fairly simple. It's marriage that's hard, and few couples have the skills to make it thrive.
For starters, we're living longer - so we have a lot more time to drive each other crazy.
Two-income households have become the norm, creating a problem traditional couples years ago rarely had to contend with: Just who's responsible for what at home has become a new arena for conflict.
And then there's sex - and today's widespread perception that our love lives are lustier than ever. Talk about pressure.
No wonder people are quick to take the easy way out and simply split up.
'Marriage is seen as a voluntary union,' Jacobs says.
'That wasn't true just a 100 years ago. People deserted marriages and had affairs,' he adds with a rueful laugh, 'but they didn't get divorced. Now they can.'
Luckily, there's help for marriages on the verge of a breakdown.
The first step, Jacobs says, is being aware that it's not merely your fault the marriage is in trouble - outside forces are at work, too. That's where therapy comes in.
'The beginning of therapy can bring tremendous relief when they realize it's not all their fault, or their spouse's,' Jacobs says.
From there, a couple needs to look within, at the behaviors that can be changed so they can stay married. Anger, resentment, disappointment - all these feelings, Jacobs says, need to be addressed.
Some husbands and wives, Jacobs says, have hurt each other so badly, 'they're in a downward spiral.'
'They not only dislike their spouse, they think they're 100 percent in the right, and the further they spiral down, the more they're sure of it because their spouse is behaving worse and worse.'
Once a couple has calmed down enough to talk instead of fight, there is challenge.
'They need to really admit who they are, not who the other person is,' Jacobs says.
'You have to figure out in fact whether who you are meshes well enough with your spouse and what he or she wants in life.'
Sometimes, they don't mesh, and there's no middle ground for rapprochement.
Jacobs says it's akin to having one person intent on living in New York and the other in California: The solution isn't moving to Des Moines.
But in other cases, he says, compromise is possible, and a marriage has a good shot of being saved.
It's crucial, Jacobs says, to know when to call for help.
'If you are beginning to feel that you really don't like your spouse, get help early,' Jacobs says. 'The longer it goes on, the harder it is to reverse.'
Understanding why marriage is vulnerable to outside pressures and our own misguided expectations - drilled into us from countless pop songs and movies - is a big step toward keeping a union happy and healthy.
'Have the courage and the humility to fight for your marriage,' writes Jacobs, who's now in the 22nd year of a happy second marriage.
'Love requires skillful, hard work . . . That's the love that real people find in real marriage.'
Love isn't all you need, honesty is overrated and children can drive you apart.
So contends Dr. John W. Jacobs, whose new book, 'All You Need Is Love, and Other Lies about Marriage' (HarperCollins, $24.95), takes many long-accepted 'truths' and turns them on their head.
'There are myths that marriages are natural and easy to do,' says Jacobs, a New York psychiatrist who began working with couples in the early '80s, after his own divorce.
In fact, he says, marriages are fragile - and knowing how to keep them healthy is anything but intuitive, natural and easy.
The facts seem to bear that out. Half of all first marriages end in divorce, and two-thirds of all subsequent marriages fail as well.
The reason, says Jacobs, is divorce is fairly simple. It's marriage that's hard, and few couples have the skills to make it thrive.
For starters, we're living longer - so we have a lot more time to drive each other crazy.
Two-income households have become the norm, creating a problem traditional couples years ago rarely had to contend with: Just who's responsible for what at home has become a new arena for conflict.
And then there's sex - and today's widespread perception that our love lives are lustier than ever. Talk about pressure.
No wonder people are quick to take the easy way out and simply split up.
'Marriage is seen as a voluntary union,' Jacobs says.
'That wasn't true just a 100 years ago. People deserted marriages and had affairs,' he adds with a rueful laugh, 'but they didn't get divorced. Now they can.'
Luckily, there's help for marriages on the verge of a breakdown.
The first step, Jacobs says, is being aware that it's not merely your fault the marriage is in trouble - outside forces are at work, too. That's where therapy comes in.
'The beginning of therapy can bring tremendous relief when they realize it's not all their fault, or their spouse's,' Jacobs says.
From there, a couple needs to look within, at the behaviors that can be changed so they can stay married. Anger, resentment, disappointment - all these feelings, Jacobs says, need to be addressed.
Some husbands and wives, Jacobs says, have hurt each other so badly, 'they're in a downward spiral.'
'They not only dislike their spouse, they think they're 100 percent in the right, and the further they spiral down, the more they're sure of it because their spouse is behaving worse and worse.'
Once a couple has calmed down enough to talk instead of fight, there is challenge.
'They need to really admit who they are, not who the other person is,' Jacobs says.
'You have to figure out in fact whether who you are meshes well enough with your spouse and what he or she wants in life.'
Sometimes, they don't mesh, and there's no middle ground for rapprochement.
Jacobs says it's akin to having one person intent on living in New York and the other in California: The solution isn't moving to Des Moines.
But in other cases, he says, compromise is possible, and a marriage has a good shot of being saved.
It's crucial, Jacobs says, to know when to call for help.
'If you are beginning to feel that you really don't like your spouse, get help early,' Jacobs says. 'The longer it goes on, the harder it is to reverse.'
Understanding why marriage is vulnerable to outside pressures and our own misguided expectations - drilled into us from countless pop songs and movies - is a big step toward keeping a union happy and healthy.
'Have the courage and the humility to fight for your marriage,' writes Jacobs, who's now in the 22nd year of a happy second marriage.
'Love requires skillful, hard work . . . That's the love that real people find in real marriage.'
