Ok...need some advice..Do i put up the peace wand first?

The short version is I am PMSing and DH is crabby and oevrtired because of the odd hours he keeps so his normally easy going nature is undergoign a Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde moment.

Yesterday I missed my stop because I fell asleep on the bus and ended 3 miles away from my house at the next stop. Not a huge deal if you drive up but obviously I had no car and it was 8pm at night. We live off of Route 46 which connects to 280. and if anyone knows the area its BUSY. People fly through their like they think they're in nascar.

Anywho i called DH who was suppsoed to eb home in a few hours and asked if I should just wait at the Wendys for that time till he could get me because I can't walk home with no shoulder. He said 'walk home. there IS a shoulder.'

Now I KNOW there is a shoulder but its a SMALL thing and its pitch black for 3 miles along a major roadway connecting onto other major highways. I am also a 120lb woman alone walking beneath deslotae underpasses and areas...Would you think it smart to walk home? I didn't.

Normally he wouldn't either but like I said he was tired and cranky and just snapped at me, finalyl sighing and saying 'FINE I'll call my father to come out and get you since you don't want to walk home.'

I reacted childishly by getting pissed because I walk EVERYWHERE. I could walk for miles and do in the city because I hate subways. If it were daylight I'd have walked it easily cause cars can see me but its a highway and dark and I am not exactly an albino. So we argued, I called him a few choice wordsa and hung up on him. I refused to answer when he called me back a few times, and just walked home.

It was scary and I was upset so when i got there I called and told him i was home but I was mad at him and would talk to him when he got home. he said fine and hung up. So I go home, defuse and get ready to talk about it calmly. He should have been home by 9pm. So I waited. At 10:15pm he sends me a TEXT message and say 'I decided to sleep at the dealers. Goodnight.'

That just compounded my mood. I was trying to be calm and diplomatic and reasses my behavior but he KNEW I was upset and he also knows when I get upset I cant sleep till things are resolved. When i called him back his phone was off.

I am trying to cut him SOME slack because usually he isn't comabtive but he hasnt called me and I cannot bring myself to call him. I am upset because I was scared all the way home and was already on an adrenaline high and when i finally calmed myself, preppin myself for some reconcilation, he slaps me across the face with a TEXT message, and not even a phone call which hhe knows I fidn passive aggerssive!

I probably won't see him till Thursday anyway. Should I keep the torch going or try to wave the peace wand first?

If you are willing to, let it blow over, or wait and see what Pete's reaction is on Thursday when you see him.
Like you said, he is cranky because of his hours.

I just wouldn't call him first.

Is he the type to realize that he did something wrong, or do you have to crack him over the head to make it sink in ?

Just a thought - were you wearing that pencil skirt that does the twisty thing when you walk ?
That would have been a looonnnggg 3 miles then.

We chatted about this so you know my thoughts on it.

I personally have such a hard time with being prideful after a fight, meaning that its very hard for me to be the first one to say sorry or start talking again, though by the grace of God Im workin on it.

This being said, it cant hurt to be the first to reach out. In the grand scheme of life, this is just a 'spat' and you guys love eachother to pieces. Also, being the first to reach out doesn't mean you're admitting that it's all your fault, even though sometimes it can feel that way. I've found that it just opens the doors to really talk it out and when I start, DH usually follows with a heartfelt apology right back and we can settle it.

Don't let it go on to long. Your feelings are totally legit. But maybe you guys can talk about calmy to where he can hear why you were so upset, without beginning to argue again.

First of all, I think it is so nice to see someone like me on these boards. Yes, sometimes I complain about DH and rant and rave, but I usually understand where he is coming from too!

My feeling is this: don't 'try' too hard to be mad. Sometimes, I feel like I am mad bc I think I SHOULD be mad. I would see how you feel when you see him and go with that reaction.

I would definitely try to talk about it with him, but it can be exhausting to hold a grudge - so don't do that to yourself.

wow .. Jenn. im so sorry that you had to walk home late in the dark..

you know i can actually relate to this a little.. my DH can get so stubborn and cranky when he works weird hours.. it really is like night and day..
but for me .. i always wait.. no matter how much i think he is at fault and how mad i am at him.. i ALWAYS wait until HE apologizes OR decides to have a nice conversation rationally!

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Posted by SusiBtoM

Just a thought - were you wearing that pencil skirt that does the twisty thing when you walk ?
That would have been a looonnnggg 3 miles then.

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LMAO Yes Susi..that was the skirt. Fortunately I had boots on with a flat heel.

well i can't lie--i would have put up the flag up until he chose not to come home. that would have sent me into a rage.......so i'm not help here.

sorry you are having some issues.....maybe things just need to cool down.

just out of curiousity---there wasn't any way to call a cab or anything? i would have hated waiting hours for DH---but also not have wanted to walk the 3 miles late at nite.

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Posted by ant n tilde

First of all, I think it is so nice to see someone like me on these boards. Yes, sometimes I complain about DH and rant and rave, but I usually understand where he is coming from too!

My feeling is this: don't 'try' too hard to be mad. Sometimes, I feel like I am mad bc I think I SHOULD be mad. I would see how you feel when you see him and go with that reaction.

I would definitely try to talk about it with him, but it can be exhausting to hold a grudge - so don't do that to yourself.

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I think you're right. Honestly thats how I feel. Like I am not even MAD anymore today. I am just tired and I always talk to him in the morning before work so not doing it is really taking effort and its more tiring. Like jess said, i have a problem with beinf prideful so i am tryin not to be mad for the sake of it. I may be right but it doesnt make me feel any better.

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Posted by MJDoc12

well i can't lie--i would have put up the flag up until he chose not to come home. that would have sent me into a rage.......so i'm not help here.

sorry you are having some issues.....maybe things just need to cool down.

just out of curiousity---there wasn't any way to call a cab or anything? i would have hated waiting hours for DH---but also not have wanted to walk the 3 miles late at nite.

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well I live out in the 'sticks' so to speak so the cab would have taken 35-45 minutes to get to me (have had to do it before but at a diff closer location) and then we would only be going 10 minutes away but they'd charge me an arm and a leg. So I wanted to avoid that. I mean our area IS SAFE. I will say that so really its just my residual NYC paranoia about getting mugged that was the issue. Or squashed lol which was a real possibility. I guess I was just more mad that he was going to insinuate to anyone that i was 'lazy' by not 'wanting to walk.' I am a NYC girl. All we do is walk!

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Posted by DeannaNDave07

wow .. Jenn. im so sorry that you had to walk home late in the dark..

you know i can actually relate to this a little.. my DH can get so stubborn and cranky when he works weird hours.. it really is like night and day..
but for me .. i always wait.. no matter how much i think he is at fault and how mad i am at him.. i ALWAYS wait until HE apologizes OR decides to have a nice conversation rationally!

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Deanna is your husband the police officer?

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Posted by Aug07OFCbride

We chatted about this so you know my thoughts on it.

I personally have such a hard time with being prideful after a fight, meaning that its very hard for me to be the first one to say sorry or start talking again, though by the grace of God Im workin on it.

This being said, it cant hurt to be the first to reach out. In the grand scheme of life, this is just a 'spat' and you guys love eachother to pieces. Also, being the first to reach out doesn't mean you're admitting that it's all your fault, even though sometimes it can feel that way. I've found that it just opens the doors to really talk it out and when I start, DH usually follows with a heartfelt apology right back and we can settle it.

Don't let it go on to long. Your feelings are totally legit. But maybe you guys can talk about calmy to where he can hear why you were so upset, without beginning to argue again.

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Thanks jess. I was trying to find taht book you told me about. I am needing some forbearance today -chuckles-...aye...

First of all, I'm so sorry you had to walk home in the dark; I would have been panic stricken!!

Second, even though I totally would have went into a blind rage if DH sent me a text that he wasn't coming home and then shut his phone off, I would definitely put up the peace wand first. But that's just my way; staying mad wipes me out so I try to make things right as soon as I can.

dude, i can't believe you went through that last night!!! i'm so sorry!!!

the best advice i can offer (which i know stinks!) wait till you both calm down and then discuss it.

it's absolutely torture when DH and i argue, he is suuuuuuuuuuper stubborn and will NOT call me, no matter what. i, in turn, go through four stages: 1) i'm mad at you, go screw yourself. 2) okay i'm not so mad at you, call me so we can discuss 3) okay now i'm mad that you haven't called 4) i'm gonna call you cause you haven't called me.

what pete did was wrong. he let you walk home, for 3 miles, on a dark highway. then the whole not sleeping at his own home thing - yeah that's not cool.

just wait for things to cool down on his end, then when he's ready to talk, rip his head off (gently) for what he did and make sure he NEVER does it again. and if you have to withold sex, DO IT!

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Posted by PeteysBride

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Posted by DeannaNDave07

wow .. Jenn. im so sorry that you had to walk home late in the dark..

you know i can actually relate to this a little.. my DH can get so stubborn and cranky when he works weird hours.. it really is like night and day..
but for me .. i always wait.. no matter how much i think he is at fault and how mad i am at him.. i ALWAYS wait until HE apologizes OR decides to have a nice conversation rationally!

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Deanna is your husband the police officer?

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yea he is.. and im telling you.. when he works overtime. or gets stuck.. he is not a happy camper..lol

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Posted by MJDoc12

well i can't lie--i would have put up the flag up until he chose not to come home. that would have sent me into a rage.......so i'm not help here.

sorry you are having some issues.....maybe things just need to cool down.

just out of curiousity---there wasn't any way to call a cab or anything? i would have hated waiting hours for DH---but also not have wanted to walk the 3 miles late at nite.

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I'm so bad at this crap, I stay mad forever, and I need to learn to let go sometimes.. sorry.. If it was me, I wouldn't call him today. Let him call you. He's the one who wouldn't come home over something that wasn't THAT huge of a deal, IMO.

Hope you guys work it quick, I hate being mad at DH

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Posted by DeannaNDave07
yea he is.. and im telling you.. when he works overtime. or gets stuck.. he is not a happy camper..lol

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Yea thats what happens to Pete I think. since he really schedules hsi time around traffic and trying to miss it, his sleep hours are all off and he's asleep by 7pn on Fridays on the couch but then up at 4:30 am on saturday! His internal clock is off so that might be adding to it. so I am TRYING to be calm..


My biggest issue is he doesnt discuss things. Like he will hold a grudge silently and say he is fine but I KNOW he's mad cause he gets quiet. Drives me nuts. I am a noisy fighter-kick and scream for 10 minutes then we move on. He lingers OR avoids completely. Like he just sent me a text message saying he won't be home tonight and other details like nothing is wrong but Im MAD about that now..Like i got 2 hours of sleep because you were a bum and now ypu're pretending it never happened/?? NOT cool so I am mad all over again lol. OYE!

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Posted by bonitachyc



dude, i can't believe you went through that last night!!! i'm so sorry!!!

the best advice i can offer (which i know stinks!) wait till you both calm down and then discuss it.

it's absolutely torture when DH and i argue, he is suuuuuuuuuuper stubborn and will NOT call me, no matter what. i, in turn, go through four stages: 1) i'm mad at you, go screw yourself. 2) okay i'm not so mad at you, call me so we can discuss 3) okay now i'm mad that you haven't called 4) i'm gonna call you cause you haven't called me.

what pete did was wrong. he let you walk home, for 3 miles, on a dark highway. then the whole not sleeping at his own home thing - yeah that's not cool.

just wait for things to cool down on his end, then when he's ready to talk, rip his head off (gently) for what he did and make sure he NEVER does it again. and if you have to withold sex, DO IT!

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Yea I go through those stages too and I am mad again because he is acting like nothing happened. So I need to cool off before I call him back or i will rip his ehad off none too gently.

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Posted by PeteysBride

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Posted by DeannaNDave07
yea he is.. and im telling you.. when he works overtime. or gets stuck.. he is not a happy camper..lol

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Yea thats what happens to Pete I think. since he really schedules hsi time around traffic and trying to miss it, his sleep hours are all off and he's asleep by 7pn on Fridays on the couch but then up at 4:30 am on saturday! His internal clock is off so that might be adding to it. so I am TRYING to be calm..


My biggest issue is he doesnt discuss things. Like he will hold a grudge silently and say he is fine but I KNOW he's mad cause he gets quiet. Drives me nuts. I am a noisy fighter-kick and scream for 10 minutes then we move on. He lingers OR avoids completely. Like he just sent me a text message saying he won't be home tonight and other details like nothing is wrong but Im MAD about that now..Like i got 2 hours of sleep because you were a bum and now ypu're pretending it never happened/?? NOT cool so I am mad all over again lol. OYE!

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Oh geez, Pete sounds like me.
I'm the quiet one and will stew over something. Mike is the one that does all the talking and wants everything out in the open. It is hard for me to change, but I am learning for the sake of sharing my life with someone else now. I need for him to understand what I am feeling and what I am thinking. Mike is not a mind reader. If he's being an a-hole, I have learned to let him know that instead of keeping it inside and stewing. Actually makes me less stressed.
Sometimes I do have to whack him over the head to understand something.

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Posted by PeteysBride

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Posted by DeannaNDave07
yea he is.. and im telling you.. when he works overtime. or gets stuck.. he is not a happy camper..lol

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Yea thats what happens to Pete I think. since he really schedules hsi time around traffic and trying to miss it, his sleep hours are all off and he's asleep by 7pn on Fridays on the couch but then up at 4:30 am on saturday! His internal clock is off so that might be adding to it. so I am TRYING to be calm..


My biggest issue is he doesnt discuss things. Like he will hold a grudge silently and say he is fine but I KNOW he's mad cause he gets quiet. Drives me nuts. I am a noisy fighter-kick and scream for 10 minutes then we move on. He lingers OR avoids completely. Like he just sent me a text message saying he won't be home tonight and other details like nothing is wrong but Im MAD about that now..Like i got 2 hours of sleep because you were a bum and now ypu're pretending it never happened/?? NOT cool so I am mad all over again lol. OYE!

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it seems like we are talking about the same guy here
yea with Dave , he really just keeps alot inside.. but like i said its only when he works long, or weird hours. but i hate when he acts like that because its so hard to even talk to him... thats why i always say that i hate his job and wish he had a normal one..
but most of the time he knows that he acts like that and apologizes.. i just try to bare with him.. its all i can do.. (and dont get me wrong .. we have a great relationship and are completely happy) but nothing is perfect..