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Ok...need some advice..Do i put up the peace wand first?

Original post by PeteysBride

The short version is I am PMSing and DH is crabby and oevrtired because of the odd hours he keeps so his normally easy going nature is undergoign a Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde moment.

Yesterday I missed my stop because I fell asleep on the bus and ended 3 miles away from my house at the next stop. Not a huge deal if you drive up but obviously I had no car and it was 8pm at night. We live off of Route 46 which connects to 280. and if anyone knows the area its BUSY. People fly through their like they think they're in nascar.

Anywho i called DH who was suppsoed to eb home in a few hours and asked if I should just wait at the Wendys for that time till he could get me because I can't walk home with no shoulder. He said 'walk home. there IS a shoulder.'

Now I KNOW there is a shoulder but its a SMALL thing and its pitch black for 3 miles along a major roadway connecting onto other major highways. I am also a 120lb woman alone walking beneath deslotae underpasses and areas...Would you think it smart to walk home? I didn't.

Normally he wouldn't either but like I said he was tired and cranky and just snapped at me, finalyl sighing and saying 'FINE I'll call my father to come out and get you since you don't want to walk home.'

I reacted childishly by getting pissed because I walk EVERYWHERE. I could walk for miles and do in the city because I hate subways. If it were daylight I'd have walked it easily cause cars can see me but its a highway and dark and I am not exactly an albino. So we argued, I called him a few choice wordsa and hung up on him. I refused to answer when he called me back a few times, and just walked home.

It was scary and I was upset so when i got there I called and told him i was home but I was mad at him and would talk to him when he got home. he said fine and hung up. So I go home, defuse and get ready to talk about it calmly. He should have been home by 9pm. So I waited. At 10:15pm he sends me a TEXT message and say 'I decided to sleep at the dealers. Goodnight.'

That just compounded my mood. I was trying to be calm and diplomatic and reasses my behavior but he KNEW I was upset and he also knows when I get upset I cant sleep till things are resolved. When i called him back his phone was off.

I am trying to cut him SOME slack because usually he isn't comabtive but he hasnt called me and I cannot bring myself to call him. I am upset because I was scared all the way home and was already on an adrenaline high and when i finally calmed myself, preppin myself for some reconcilation, he slaps me across the face with a TEXT message, and not even a phone call which hhe knows I fidn passive aggerssive!

I probably won't see him till Thursday anyway. Should I keep the torch going or try to wave the peace wand first?
soon2bmrsVPT Posted:

Re: Ok...need some advice..Do i put up the peace wand first?

Posted by MJDoc12

well i can't lie--i would have put up the flag up until he chose not to come home. that would have sent me into a rage.......so i'm not help here.

sorry you are having some issues.....maybe things just need to cool down.

just out of curiousity---there wasn't any way to call a cab or anything? i would have hated waiting hours for DH---but also not have wanted to walk the 3 miles late at nite.


ITA. I would have waited in the Wendy's until the cab came. There is no way i would be walking home. I also wouldn't expect DH to be able to get to me in a hurry so I would have handled it myself. IMHO I think you're both a bit in the wrong & both need to sit down and talk about it- no peace wand necessary. Its a perfect example of the dire need for open communication. Your safety is most important. Walking shouldnt have been an option.
PeteysBride Posted:

Re: Ok...need some advice..Do i put up the peace wand first?

Posted by SusiBtoM

[Oh geez, Pete sounds like me.
I'm the quiet one and will stew over something. Mike is the one that does all the talking and wants everything out in the open. It is hard for me to change, but I am learning for the sake of sharing my life with someone else now. I need for him to understand what I am feeling and what I am thinking. Mike is not a mind reader. If he's being an a-hole, I have learned to let him know that instead of keeping it inside and stewing. Actually makes me less stressed.
Sometimes I do have to whack him over the head to understand something.


Lol yea..he is usually the mroe peaceful one. i tend to fly off the handle faster but I get it out and oevrwith faster too. He can last an entire week stewing and then months later lashes out at me with it and Im like DUDE..DONT DO THAT. Yet he hates 'passive aggressive behavior.'

I love the man to death and he really doesnt have many 'vices' so im trying to learn to dela with this. just need something tasty first...mmm cheesecake lol.
DeannaNDave07 Posted:

Re: Ok...need some advice..Do i put up the peace wand first?

i will tell you this though.. and Jenn i know you feel the same way..

when we do fight.. i have such a sinking feeling in my stomach and feel sooo uneasy.. i HATE it.. our fights really never last too long.. but i never can sleep if we are still fighting.. it really stinks..
hunnybunnyxoxo Posted:

Re: Ok...need some advice..Do i put up the peace wand first?

oh that would piss me the f off!
i would continue the fight ! i would throw a fit but look to resolve it that night.




PeteysBride Posted:

Re: Ok...need some advice..Do i put up the peace wand first?

Posted by soon2bmrsVPT

Posted by MJDoc12

well i can't lie--i would have put up the flag up until he chose not to come home. that would have sent me into a rage.......so i'm not help here.

sorry you are having some issues.....maybe things just need to cool down.

just out of curiousity---there wasn't any way to call a cab or anything? i would have hated waiting hours for DH---but also not have wanted to walk the 3 miles late at nite.


ITA. I would have waited in the Wendy's until the cab came. There is no way i would be walking home. I also wouldn't expect DH to be able to get to me in a hurry so I would have handled it myself. IMHO I think you're both a bit in the wrong & both need to sit down and talk about it- no peace wand necessary. Its a perfect example of the dire need for open communication. Your safety is most important. Walking shouldnt have been an option.


Yea I know that would have been smarter, but I didnt have the money to pay 40 bucks for a cab. I wasn't expecting him to pick me up rigth away-Id have waited the 2 hours ebcause he was coming home anyay and I was a 10 min drive away from our apt.

It was a silly move-should have waited for his dad to come get me but I was just so annoyed that eh was phrasing it as 'she doesnt want to walk' rather than the truth of 'its dangerous and I dont want her walking dad so can you get her.' His dad is 61 and he'd be coming 30 minutes out of his way so i didnt want him to feel there was another alternative and I was just beign a jerk.
PattyK Posted:

Re: Ok...need some advice..Do i put up the peace wand first?

Jenn, I am sorry that you & Pete got into an arguement last night and that you had to walk home in the dark. Knowing me I would probably offer up the peace flag first. I hate being mad at DH and in general I avoid confrontation with the people that I love (although there are exceptions to that rule..insert picture of sister). Send him a text letting him know how you feel, let him know you love him and keep it light. Then you guys can dicuss it when you are both calm.

PeteysBride Posted:

Re: Ok...need some advice..Do i put up the peace wand first?

Posted by DeannaNDave07

i will tell you this though.. and Jenn i know you feel the same way..

when we do fight.. i have such a sinking feeling in my stomach and feel sooo uneasy.. i HATE it.. our fights really never last too long.. but i never can sleep if we are still fighting.. it really stinks..


Yea I have a headache. i didnt sleep much and when i did it wasn't well. I am spunky but HATE confrontations especially because I don't see him much of the week. so to fight means we have to make up during the weekend and then you have that lingering unease for awhile. STINKS!
carolinebr Posted:

Re: Ok...need some advice..Do i put up the peace wand first?

I don't actually have any advice on this one! But I just wanted to give hugs for your long walk home

kahlua716 Posted:

Re: Ok...need some advice..Do i put up the peace wand first?

I definitely wouldn't give in first, and I probably would have been the one to not come home. I would've walked to my parent's house, until he decided to call me and apologize.

I'm sorry, but making you walk home on a dark highway with barely any shoulder that late at night is enexcusable- cranky, bad day or not. If he really couldn't get his as* up to pick you up- HE should've offered to call a cab.

If something had happened to you, how would he have felt then?

I should hope he would be the one to apologize, but if he doesn't. Then calmly discuss it- but you shouldn't utter the words I'm sorry unless he does first. IMHO- he deserved the choice words for telling you to walk home.

All that being said, I would probably just let it blow over because I don't like conflict, but I would definitely need time to cool down.
jtgarsik Posted:

Re: Ok...need some advice..Do i put up the peace wand first?

Posted by Aug07OFCbride

We chatted about this so you know my thoughts on it.

I personally have such a hard time with being prideful after a fight, meaning that its very hard for me to be the first one to say sorry or start talking again, though by the grace of God Im workin on it.

This being said, it cant hurt to be the first to reach out. In the grand scheme of life, this is just a 'spat' and you guys love eachother to pieces. Also, being the first to reach out doesn't mean you're admitting that it's all your fault, even though sometimes it can feel that way. I've found that it just opens the doors to really talk it out and when I start, DH usually follows with a heartfelt apology right back and we can settle it.

Don't let it go on to long. Your feelings are totally legit. But maybe you guys can talk about calmy to where he can hear why you were so upset, without beginning to argue again.



hey girlie I know u already got a whole slew of advice on this - but i'm just reading it now & of COURSE have to add my two cents . I agree with Jess - just because u're the first to wave the peace flag does NOT mean u're saying u were wrong or saying it's ur fault. it absolutely opens doors to really TALK, and gives DH a reason to listen & communicate(AND if u do have pride - think of it this way..it's just another reason to say ur being the bigger person ). I will say - that you did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. Safe neighborhood or not, bottom line is you shouldn't be walking along the side of a major highway by yourself, late at night. And DH shouldn't have wanted you to either(which like u said, i'm sure if pete was in a better mood he wouldn't have acted the way he did..but the bottom line is he DID act the way that he did). Tell him that number one - u were frustrated with urself that u missed ur stop, and number 2 - it hurt u to think that he let his emotions get in the way of ur safety. Granted yes - he told u he'd send his dad - but this was AFTER a spat AND with an attitude...the situation is nobody's fault - it was just a sucky situation that got to both of ur emotions. Also tell him how much it hurt you/annoyed you that he didn't come home. THAT would flip me out. I dont care what kind of fight/spat/argument u got in...to not come home is completely selfish and immature and you need to tell him that. TALK with him. no more cold shoulder & no fights! i hope this all works out let me know what happens!
joshisgirl Posted:

Re: Ok...need some advice..Do i put up the peace wand first?

hmmm... thats kinda tough. it's hard to tell someone what they should do becasue we all have our personalities and our dh's know us well enough to know when we would be pissed about something. if it were me, i would SOOOO pissed off because i think, no matter how safe a place is, your safety was at risk here ( and this is prob. what is bothering u) and u may have felt as if he didnt care. but, your dh was obviously cranky, since this is not something that he would normally do, right?
as far as waving the peace flag. if it were me, i would be giving dh the silent treatment until he apololgized, but that may not necessarily work for u...especially if you're usually the first one to initiate talking things over. i would, however, definitely speak with him and, for lack of better words, find out the hell was up with that?

i'm also really sorry that u had such a bad night last night! i love walking also but i'm not a fan of walking alongside highways :)

hope u guys work it out!!
thelastresort Posted:

Re: Ok...need some advice..Do i put up the peace wand first?

No! Do NOT put up the peace wand! Screw that!

I'm obviously not much of a help but honestly! I can't believe he has the nerve to be mad with you after he had you walk home for 3 freaking miles in the dark!

I'm very stubborn and will never give in (which is not a good trait I realize) but I will tell you, there is no way he would be coming in the door without a peace offering (read: expensive gift) for me.

But you know him best and fighting definitely stinks. However, considering you had to wear out the soles on your boots the least he could do is give you money to go shoe shopping! Good luck!
Aug07OFCbride Posted:

Re: Ok...need some advice..Do i put up the peace wand first?

Posted by PeteysBride

Posted by Aug07OFCbride

We chatted about this so you know my thoughts on it.

I personally have such a hard time with being prideful after a fight, meaning that its very hard for me to be the first one to say sorry or start talking again, though by the grace of God Im workin on it.

This being said, it cant hurt to be the first to reach out. In the grand scheme of life, this is just a 'spat' and you guys love eachother to pieces. Also, being the first to reach out doesn't mean you're admitting that it's all your fault, even though sometimes it can feel that way. I've found that it just opens the doors to really talk it out and when I start, DH usually follows with a heartfelt apology right back and we can settle it.

Don't let it go on to long. Your feelings are totally legit. But maybe you guys can talk about calmy to where he can hear why you were so upset, without beginning to argue again.



Thanks jess. I was trying to find taht book you told me about. I am needing some forbearance today -chuckles-...aye...


I want to get it for you as a gift! Will you FM me your addy?
jtgarsik Posted:

Re: Ok...need some advice..Do i put up the peace wand first?

Posted by Aug07OFCbride

Posted by PeteysBride

Posted by Aug07OFCbride

We chatted about this so you know my thoughts on it.

I personally have such a hard time with being prideful after a fight, meaning that its very hard for me to be the first one to say sorry or start talking again, though by the grace of God Im workin on it.

This being said, it cant hurt to be the first to reach out. In the grand scheme of life, this is just a 'spat' and you guys love eachother to pieces. Also, being the first to reach out doesn't mean you're admitting that it's all your fault, even though sometimes it can feel that way. I've found that it just opens the doors to really talk it out and when I start, DH usually follows with a heartfelt apology right back and we can settle it.

Don't let it go on to long. Your feelings are totally legit. But maybe you guys can talk about calmy to where he can hear why you were so upset, without beginning to argue again.



Thanks jess. I was trying to find taht book you told me about. I am needing some forbearance today -chuckles-...aye...


I want to get it for you as a gift! Will you FM me your addy?


heeeey what book might this be???

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